bump up for advice??

Start a good plan A and stick to it. Dont try to 'make' her do anything, just be loving and the man she first fell in love with. Keep snooping. Always show your love.

You could try talking to OM and see if he is aware she is married, and/or that you want to save your marriage. If he is truely an OM and not just a friend you wont get much sense out of him tho.

Ok, well sorry for the delayed information. The OM in the situation was my throwing coach and my wife is the assisstant throwers coach at a christian college. Throwing is field events in track and field if anyone was curious. Anyways, I went to practice this last tuesday and was there for about half an hour then he had my wife ask me to leave practice for no reason. I was watching and didn't say a word then he stormed off and my wife asked me to leave practice with tears in her eyes. She then told me she found another place to live and that she wasn't going to tell me. She will be working at the same job as I am for about 4 more days then she will be taking on a different job at the college. She will be still working in the same town that we live in so I will still see her sometimes....hopefully. I asked her to have the OM call me after the practice was over, but I ended up emailing him and then he emailed me back telling lies about what I have said and done in the past, it was a very immature email and he was acting like I did so much to make fun of him while he was coaching me. Really pathetic. I am sure that he has been filling my wife full of BS while she has been coaching with him. At the end of the email he continued to say that my wife was his best friend and had been his best friend for a long time and I am not going to change that. The only way he is going to get out of the situation was if she asked him.

That was basically the jist of the email and I have asked my wife several times to stop hanging out with him and nothing has seemed to phase her. I asked the OM to act like her friend and tell her that she needs to get her marriage back together rather than trying to be in a relationship with her but that didn't make a difference. I'm sure that if I wanted to I could take his email to the president of the college and he wouldn't be happy, but my wife may get in trouble as well and that would definately end the relationship, granted I don't have much to lose, but I am not to that point yet.

As far as my plan A goes, I have a voice activated recorder I am going to plant next week. I also have a keylogger I am going to use and mini GPS tracking device on the way. I plan to find all her passwords and emails as well as where she is staying at this particular moment. I am not happy about anything and it disappoints me to hear her say she doesn't even want to talk to her own pastor about the situation. I also know that she doesn't even tell much of the situation to her parents, they have gotten more info from me than anyone.

I find it very rediculous of a person just to stop a marriage when I think of it as the commitment that each person made for life to each other, God, and everyone at the marriage ceremony. I don't think that I should be going through this situation at all considering my wifes religious background and friends and family from home. Very sad and aggrivating situation.

I don't really know if my wife is cheating on me or if she is having emotional or maybe hormonal problems causing her distress. She was at the house several times this last week, never slept there, but she was there just to do a few things then leave. What really confused me was when she got in bed with me last monday and layed next to me to cuddle then she even started kissing me. She hasn't even done that very often and a few days later I asked her why she did that. She said to me ' I know that you like it, but I did it to see if I felt anything any more.' That was the second time she did something like that and it just confuses me why. I don't know why she is doing the things she is doing, but her emotional stability at the moment is very confusing.

She was just standing in a doorway of our house earlier this week and started crying. I asked what was wrong and she told me, 'I am sad that I am leaving the house. I put a lot of work into fixing it up and I am not going to be able to enjoy it because I am leaving.' I sat there and told her she didn't have to leave, I wasn't making her leave, things like that, but it didn't make a difference. She just kept trying and said it was her choice.

She is just extremely confusing with the situation now and I don't know if she is just confused emotionally or what is going on.

Please learn NOT to talk about relationships. It makes you needy. Thank her for the cuddle then shut up.

I repeat Plan A is about meeting her needs and not talking about meeting those needs. No needs a diplomat in this case.

Read Gary Chapman's book "the five love languages", I think that you will benefit.

All these posts and no one told him to expose this affair.

You must tell WW parents her siblings, OM parents.

Is WW a student at this college? Did OM help her get the job there? Then you must expose at the college. Tell the college president, then CC the vice president in charge of ethics and standards, the Board.

Second thought expose because you are a student there and your coach is having an affair with your WW. You need to expose this to the whole team as well. Your WW then has to face all these people.

Exposure is the only tool you have that has any chance to end this affair. Don't tell your WW that you will expose if she does not end her affair.

This will only get the AP's to preempt you. Paint you in a bad light. Those that tell first are more apt to be believed.

Expose today now contact those you can by phone all in one day. Get out those letters email to the big wigs at the college now as well.

Right now the only problem with exposing to the college is that I am afraid of her losing the job that she just got and has wanted for a while. She had applied and interviewed for the job two other times and just got it and now I feel like she would not get the job if I were to expose her to the president of the university.

She has moved to one of her friends houses in a different town due to people asking me about the situation. Many people would see her places then tell me about it and ask if they were having an affair. She moved so that she didn't have to deal with other people, but I am going to talk to her parents soon. I think that I will ask them to look at the text message records from her phone bill considering they are the ones that deal with her cell phone company.

I have been a little leery on the exposure thing at the moment because I don't know for sure if there is a true physical affair however it seems there is an emotional affair going on. I don't know how much she has contacted him this weekend, but she still has been talking to me so that is a plus I guess.

Oh, more info on the situation. I just graduated last fall, so the OM 'was' my track coach. He is no longer my coach, just another guy to me right now. I thought he was my friend last year, but that has changed. My wife is the assistant coach, not a student. She has however stopped helping at practice, but this could be just so other people stop saying things about them at practice.

Right now she just seems to be running away from the problems rather than dealing with them.

Only expose solid evidence. Write a letter to the potential OM that your wife is spending more time with him than you. Inform him that you are trying to save your marriage.

If he does not respond - notify his wife but be careful what you say.

What are you doing about improving your marriage?

Well, my wife and I talked for a long time last night and we spilled our guts to each other. I think that it helped a ton! I did find some emails that the OM had sent to her and that is what started the talking. I talked to her on the phone then she said that she just wanted to meet somewhere to talk to me. So we met, talked, cried, and I think that we got some things sorted out. We both talked about what we had done to hurt the marriage, we talked about ways we could help it. I don't know if she was just playing stupid with me, but I don't think that she realized how much she was leading the OM on and how much of a problem that it was causing. These last two days have been great because she is talking to me a lot more and talking about her problems with me instead of the OM. She had some emotional stress tonight and said that she didn't have any friends any more and she has caused a lot of problems, but I was continually consoling her and stating that I was her best friend and that we were married and I will always be there to help. I am hoping that things start to turn around considering the way she has been talking to me these last few days. She also said that she was going to talk to the OM to clear up any ideas that he may have about her. She hasn't done it yet, but I will see through that it does because that is my greatest concern next to fixing my marriage. I think that clearing up problems with him is a great start.

Talking to OM about any ideas he may have about her?

Talks about this NEVER GO WELL. DO NOT ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN. The only contact he should get from her is a No Contact letter!

Also, right now I am trying to help the marriage by trying to be the best husband I can. I show her and tell her that I love her and care for her very much. I try not to be overbearing with the love as to scare her away, but she knows that I care for her and love her. She has even told me the last few days that she cares for me a lot so I think that she is leaning towards helping to fix things now. I have been looking at marriage counselors around my area as well and I am getting her information on them so that she can look at them as well.

I would like counseling to be our next step, but I think that I have to be very careful about impressing it upon her because her emotional state is still very fragile. I am still being very persistent about us getting our marriage fixed and she can see that and I think that she is beginning to turn around.:)

Well, I don't know how her talk is going to go, but I think that he will leave her alone after she says what she needs to.

Talk between WW and OM usually leads to "we need to take this underground so hubby leaves me alone."

DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.

Ok, I think that is a good piece of information. Thanx. I will talk to her about the situation more. She seems very open about it now and it seems to be a lot off of her chest that she can talk more freely for some reason.

That's probably because Conversation is one of her EN's--at least, that's what it sounds like.

Yes, I would agree with you that conversation is one of her EN's and I didn't do a very good job at meeting that in the past. I think this is another weird thing that is going on in my head...random comment. She was explaining how things were last spring and how she had tried to get me to talk to her and stop ignoring her. She said that I spent more time on other things, which I can admit that I did if I look back on it. There were several things that she said that I don't have the slightest memory of. It seems like I wasn't even there and I sit back and ask myself how I could be so stupid or not remember things. The most frustrating part is trying to remember things that she said because right now it is very vague and I only remember a few conversations about what was going on then when she says we have several. I don't know why I can't remember, maybe I was too wrapped up in other things. I know that by my not remembering I obviously wasn't paying enough attention to her. I know that the one trying in the marriage isn't supposed to blame themselves for the problems that are going on and I don't completely blame myself for the problems going on, but I feel like I didn't do enough to prevent them from happening and I didn't meet her EN's like I should have.

You are 50% responsible for the marriage prior to the affair, but 0% responsible for the affair itself.

Meet her needs nows but do not allow her to walk all over you; do not let her or anyone else tell you it is your fault she had an A. She might not be doing it and others might not be doing it, but I am simply warning you in case it does happen.

I have talked to her about the A and there was no physical interaction and I trust her on that. I think that she knows that she went a little overboard with the emotional reliability that she had on him, she just distanced herself from me and he was the easiest person to talk to. I know 100% that it is not my fault she talked with the OM and she told me the other night that she knows she picked the wrong person to talk to. I am not going to let her walk all over me and she doesn't seem like she wants to, she just seems so emotionally stressed lately and I am willing to talk and listen to her like I should have been before. I think that me just talking to her about situations and her being open without worrying about hurting me now is a big load off her chest. I am now just hoping for the best and hoping that all of my prayers and everyone else's prayers are helping.

She's stressed because you're not the demon she made you out to be in your head, that's what happens when a WS has an A, they have to justify it somehow.