Long sob story short, we seperated, she started dating another guy couple days after we split. Told her I wanted to work on marriage, after three months or so she's back. Went to some counseling. Been "together" sort of, for a month. Now she doesn't want to go to counseling, very secretive about phone, email etc. I think she may be back with him, or someone else. Reading "surviving an affair". Question though, what if I know what needs to be done to "survive the affair" but she won't do anything? She says she's all in with me, but won't take any steps forward with me. Afraid to move....don't want to lose her again, but maybe losing her anyway.....

I am sorry you need to be here. The good news is you will find lots of help.

If your wife dated a guy a few days after separation, there's a good chance she was "dating" him before the separation.

Tell us some more. How long have you been married? Any children?

kayak,

Be patient, it will be slow traffic on the forum on the weekend.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you start snooping on your wife. Find ways to look at phone bills, email, and credit cards. There is a good chance that she is still seeing this other guy.

Been married almost 6 years. two preschool kids. asked her directly for passwords to email, fbook, cell, etc. offered to give mine. she said no. That's when I realized I was probably being stupid. However, I feel guilty trying to check on her...

Kayak,

You are fighting for your marriage. The first thing you need to establish is that there is not OM. Before you can effectively work on your M, the OM needs to be removed from the picture.

Refusing to give you access to her accounts is a dishonesty your M cannot survive. Feel guilty, but snoop anyway.

You can put keylogger on computer, find cell phone bills online. But find out.

Yep, you need to find out who the OM is and expose. It took me soooo long to find out, but the impact when you do is enormous. Nope, I don't have my H back yet, but I know I put a huge thorn in the fun of their affair. Do you know who the OM is?

While we were seperated, I asked her, she told me she was seeing him. I already knew as my kids were talking about him.....After we got back together, she promised it was over. She looks me in the eye and says she is faithful, nothing happening, all in my mind. She says she will not let me "control" her by having her private info. (as I'm typing this I'm seeing how stupid I am) anyway, I'm worried that she actually isn't seeing him, and by me pushing her, or forcing her to be open, I will drive her away....of course if she is still seeing him, I lose anyway....

Don't feel guilty. Your wife did not "start dating a guy a few days after you separated". She was already dating him before you separated. And she is almost certainly back with the same guy now. Don't bother asking her for her passwords. You need to snoop to get the truth about your life before you can make any decisions. Your best bet to do that is to drop the questioning of your wife, so she thinks you believe her, and install a good keylogger on your computer. Both times my ex-wife cheated, I had incontrovertible proof within 1 day by using the All-in-one Keylogger from www.relytec.com. There are many different types though, so take your pick. You'll get everything you never wanted to know. Just give yourself a bit of time to get it installed and configured while she won't walk in on you.

I am computer idiot and I used www.webwatcher.com ....they are great all you have to do is log on , set up the account and then if you ask, their tech will take over the target computer and handle the installation .... you will have a web based site to check on your wife form any computer ......

Don't tell her what your doing

Don't tell her about this site

Don't expose any source of intel to your wife

Most of all Hang in there....... and read all you can off this site and get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it too

Wow! Kayak, I really know how you feel. I really believed and trusted my H. He told me the D was all my fault and I cried for months believing it. The OW was way across country so it was hard to expose; it made me feel helpless. Boy do I feel stupid now.

If you know her name or her friends or where she works or her FB, you have to expose. It's hard, trust me...I exposed to people who didn't know me and most were against me; but not all. And the effect is very evident to me.

We are all here for you. I'm new here too and way behind. But I know that is the first step if you want to save it. It's scary yes, and when I did it and got so much crap back, I thougth it was crazy, but it is still working; even though those I exposed to have never met me.

Yes, you do need to snoop.

SC is right...do NOT tell her about this site.

In the meantime, read all the articles on this website, and start working Plan A.

Figure out what your WW's top 5 emotional needs are and start meeting them in the way she wants them met.

Stop all lovebusting behavior. No angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments. Stop behaviors that are annoying to her.

Work on yourself and be the absolute best that you can be.

Become the best father to your children that you can be. If you are already a "hands-on daddy" in taking care of them, become even more of a "hands-on daddy". You need to protect them from the affair, even though it looks as if they have already been exposed to the OM.

Once you've found your proof of the affair, tell us about it, and we will help you with the next part of your Plan A, which is exposure.

You'll get more information after the weekend, because weekends are slow due to folks spending time with their families. Just hang in there, read the information on thi site, and post often.

Start a secret journal. PLEASE, for the protection of you and your kids.

Pepperband has a post down from this on the subject.

What you have ahead of you is NOT going to be easy.

And I agree with:

1. She was screwing the other guy before you split.
2. She is still doing him.
3. He is probably married.
4. She is using you as a safe haven and cake eating.
5. Her mind, ethics, morals, etc., have turned to garbage under the onslaught of affair endorphins.
6. If her mouth is moving, likely she is lying.
7. As sneaky as she is being, be sneakier.
8. Your job is to protect yourself from being a wuss and to protect your kids from someone who is currently eat up by the dumba**.
9. GET AND READ SAA.
10. If you get her back, make sure it is a full recovery.
11. Find out who the guy is and expose, expose, expose.
12. Read this site, especially Harley's advice.
13. Don't buy her BS. Don't let her put you on guilt trips like she is trying to do.
14. Never raise your voice. When it hits the fan, treat her like you would a hormonally overloaded teenager.

All the best.

Larry

Yes you need to snoop. Hide a voice activated digital recorder in the house and one in her car. Check phone records as to any number that is being called a lot or when you are not around.

A keylogger is a must. That webwathcer seems a good way to go.

Don't jump at the first chance you get proof. Take your time to get a good amount. Then get back to us to coordinate your next move.

Also if you can hide a real time GPS in her car. Usually cheapest way is to get a cell phone that has that feature and then hide it in her car.

As you check phone records it will most likely show that there has been contact with the OM way before you separated.

Also refusing to share passwords and cell phone is a red flag. Those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.

Kayak,
I am a FWW who came back home. I was 100% committed to my marriage when I came home and gave my husband free access to my phone and computer history. I would have not been offended at all if he had ever check my phone or computer usage.

Snoop, keep an eye on your finances, tuck some money away and start documenting any weirdness.

so, it's been a few days, I did install a keylogger, and one of the first things I found was that she's talking to some guy, not the one she had an affair with, and she told him that she was working on our marriage, but it was a decision, and if she was acting off her feelings, she would have a contract on my head! Then she told him that she thought about him every day. We've only been back together for a month, but she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me, she's there for me.....etc. I'm trying to "play the game" and finish gathering all the info I need to confront her, but I don't know how much longer I can act like nothing is wrong. I still think nothing is happening, and it's all a misunderstanding. I love her, and I am completely stupid. I worked so hard to get her back this time, and I don't know if I can handle losing her again. She's very confrontational, and as soon as I confront her I know she will kick me to the curb so to speak. I feel as if my life is in a tailspin. If anyone has any advice for the "gathering intel, pretending everything is normal to not tip her off, pre-confrontation stage"....let me know

Kayakin

You've done a great job so far.....

Part of your plan is to bust her on the A .......

You say she is "confrontational" which means when you confront her you will be "loaded for bear"

you want to be able to expose her and she will have no room to deny....you want a slam dunk.....

That said it means you need to be cool for a while longer....keep snooping ...you want names, e-mails, other wife's/girl friend's name,pictures or video of them together if you can get it....

Think of your self in a class 5 and you've rolled in a hole....how much better would you be if you could rite yourself wrather than wet exiting ....... The reward for you is by staying cool you will get what you need to expose her....

That's the first step to your recovery.......

You've got a lot of great advise on your thread so far reread it

If you feel your losing it get some space for the WW til you cool off .....your doing great......hang in there

Is this the first time she has left you?

Why did you seperate?

She is still having an affair, or hoping to have an affair either with the same guy or a new one.

Do you know the Other Mans (OM) name?

in reply to above, she is a runner. She has walked out 3 times in the last two years. The last time was sept 09 when she moved in with my friend for a week. I begged her to come back. She did, said nothing happened. I believed her. Started counseling, didn't work. Oct 09 I told her to leave, told her I was going to get a divorce, and I left for 10 days. Helped her move her things into an apartment on day 11. Realized what I was doing was wrong, and I didn't want a divorce, no matter what she had done. next three - four months I worked on myself, and waited for her, love dare, hope for the seperated, etc. Finished SAA two days ago. a little more than a month ago she told me she was filing for divorce and taking the kids. I told her I didn't want a divorce and was willing to do whatever it took for our marriage, but if she was going to take the kids, I was going to get a lawyer. a week later she wanted to work it out. Went to two counseling sessions. Now she is acting distant, found messages to another guy, not the one she was dating while we were together, dating back to when I foolishly thought everything was fine. I have almost all info on OM, there are quite a few....haven't found evidence of sexual activity...yet. In holding pattern right now i guess....feel like I'm losing it though......

forgot the "why did we seperate" question. I seperated because our life was hell. She wouldn't work, different guys were always coming around when I was at work, she wouldn't take action on anything. Right before I left, I asked her if I was willing to go to counseling on my own, and with her, would she be willing to work? (we're in pretty dire financial mess) she said "no, does that answer your question?" I said it did, and walked out.