What an honest accounting of the effect of an affair on the person who is betrayed. What was most touching to me was Jenny Sanford asking herself if she really knew this man she had married and then her honest looking back throughout the marriage for clues and indications of his character which led to the disregard for her feelings and those of their children so that he could be with his "soul mate". I saw Barbara Walter's interview of her last night, and the standout part of that interview was when she said that one of her sons heard the term "soul mate" and said it was "cheesy."

This is a sad public lesson in how not to behave.

I have not read the book, and won't, but I read news stories about it. Poor Mrs. Sanford seems so astounded, and thinks she is in a unique situation. In reality, the affair progressed just like Dr. Harley describes in his books, with the fog, the denial, etc. Jenny Sanford should have hunkered down in her house and not talked about it.

Her husband should have not talked any about it beyond confessing, since he is an elected official, with an army of liberal editors who hate him personally and want nothing less than his complete destruction. Larry King, Barbara Walters, Vogue magazine... all want to just use them to make money from their gossip-seeking audience.

Why shouldn't she have talked about it?

(I'm in the UK and we have not had any coverage of this at all, so I don't yet have a view myself.)

By talking about the affair in public, Governor Sanford humiliated his wife. She can't humiliate him; he already did that to himself. She is trying to seek sympathy, and explain to everyone how it is NOT her fault, how she was duped, should have known - all the things people do in these situations, with the encouragement of others.

She was ready to forgive him, if he would have no contact with her ever again. But he wanted to talk to the other woman, explain things... right out of the Harley textbook. Having every move revealed in public burned all their bridges to recovery.

Sure she can.


I haven't read the book, but I have never gotten the impression that she blames herself for anything about his A or is looking for sympathy.


No, her WH's continued A burned the bridge. She was tired of being burned by the jerk.

My MISTAKE... should have read:

I said that her husband burned bridges with is idiotic public "apology". He burned bridges with his telling Jenny that he needed to talk to his girlfriend and explain why he was cutting things off. He just needed to send a letter and say, no more contact.

What I am suggesting is that she made the decision that things were beyond repair perhaps before they were, but by acting on that belief, she is making things worse. She would have been a whole lot better off to not talk to the press, come here, read Dr. Harley's book, and understand the patterns they are both acting out.

The Sanford's case is a bit different than ordinary couples, because both of the were hated by political enemies. Insiders were tipping these enemies off of their moves. Newspaper reporters and editors were involved in stealing e-mails and releasing those for the express intent of destroying both husband and wife. Book publishers, Oprah, Larry King, Barbara Walters and magazine writers are not her friends; they are manipulators out to make a dollar off her.

Actually I say "GOOD FOR HER".....

Sorry, but I don't see this as a "sympathy ploy" on her end, and IF she makes a few dollars off of it, good for her!!!..ESPECIALLY, since she cannot depend on WH. She SHOULD tell her end of the story....

I haven't read the book, but did read the article in People mag. I loved when she told her boys that their dad was having an affair and she was divorcing him. "You can choose the sin, but you cannot choose the consequences....".

They may have recovered, but from all indications Jenny wasn't interested in doing any part of Plan A. Her stance from the beginning was, "Get rid of the whore and return to this marriage...", the fact that he choose otherwise, is not on her.

She wants out, and personally, that is her right.....

not2fun

I never said this book is a "sympathy ploy".
All I have ever said is that everything in this episode has played out exactly as Dr. Harley describes it.

The only point I am trying to make is that both spouses feel obligated to explain their side to the outside world, but that usually does more harm than good. I commend Jenny Sanford for offering to take him back, and for knowing what the conditions had to include. Her husband, still in a fog, had not repented, wanted to bargain instead of admitting total fault, and made his next big, dumb mistake, which sank things.

By the way, she doesn't need the money from the book. She and her husband were successful investment bankers on Wall Street, and retired in their 30s to raise a family and pursue political office. She managed his campaigns.

I don't see the Sanford situation any different than the other except it's more public. I don't even think she views the press as being her friends either. She knows they are talking to her for the ratings and money. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders and knows how the game is played.

JS said:
"Certainly his actions hurt me, and they caused consequences for me, but they don't in any way take away my own self-esteem," she said. "They reflect poorly on him."

I hope Barbara Walters felt the slap.

Oh, yes, she is definitely a strong and savvy woman.

She was always "the power behind the throne", in the eyes of many people hence the target personal destruction by political enemies. I saw them more as partners, what's called a Peer Marriage, except incomplete on the home front.

She is not the first governor's wife to have a cheating husband that the press knew about. Most are kept from the public by a sympathetic press.

She did need the money. She's got four boys to raise, her husband's political career is over, and she did well on Wall Street but neither that nor her grandfather founding a company made her independently weathly. One explicit motivation for the book was to make money. What I saw in reading the book was that she took the time to explain herself to her boys and to women in similar situations. She wrote it, I think, as a way to help her reach a decision on her marriage. She filed for divorce in December, and the book's release was moved up to just last week.

My husband had his affair in 2001 - 2002. I had the same view of love as her husband -- the whole "soul mate" view except that I thought that my husband was my "soul mate" and his having an affair meant that she was and I wasn't. Sanford's news conference cured me of that -- 7 years after the affair was exposed. I was fascinated by his explanation and his emotions and his general lack of shame. He could justify cheating on his wife because "this was a whole lot more than a simple affair." No it wasn't. It was a fantasy relationship completely unmoored from the reality of everyday living.

What I admire about Jenny's telling of her story is that she never bought into the "soul mate" excuse for an affair.

He is an incredible fool. When he wakes up, she won't take him back. Her explanation for how she felt as he was pining openly for his mistress certainly underscores the importance of following a Plan B. He didn't get over his mistress before she gave up on him, and now she's no longer open to reconciliation.

I read the book on Saturday. It is now Tuesday night, and I think what most sticks in my mind is her telling how it made her feel that he'd have a staffmember call her to tell her when he'd be home or give her other information. He didn't even bother to call her. In restrospect, she could see that she was a business partner, not a life partner. How sad. She's had to go back over 20 years of her life and revise her understanding of it. It took a lot of courage for her to face it.

Cherished

After I my last post, Jenny Sanford was on Larry King. I never watch his show, but meant to, forgot, went back to work. My wife watched it and said she came across as very pulled together. Last night, I watched about have of it on the Internet before getting interrupted. I may read the book if I see it on sale someday of $1.00, because I think it is pretty obvious what occurred, his fog, and I don't care to know the details.

Cherished,
I have to agree with your analysis 100%.
When I saw a mention of her book on TV the first time, I told my wife, "This is classic, right out of the book." She thought it was so unusual. I said, "No, this is cookbook fantasy, fog and denial." When she asked, "What cookbook?", I said, "Dr. Harley's book." (HNHN, the one my wife stopped reading after Chapter 1.)

When this blew up last year, I mailed Jenny Sanford a copy of HNHN. I should have sent it to Mark Sanford.

Unfortunately, most people will not get the lessons out of this tragedy that are there for them.

Baba, is a cheater, as well. Wonder what she thinks of Baba.

It is a classic affair on his part. It was her story that was of interest to me -- her total faith in her husband, her willingness to support him as they built a family and his career, her incredulity when she discovered the affair... I like that this was her story.

Another apsect of the story that I found touching was that she was looking in a file labeled "B" because she was looking for something on the family farm and "B" was the nickname of a brother in law. There she found a letter and an article. She said something like, "To this day, I don't know if the article was misfiled."

Why was this bit of trivia so touching to me? It indicated to her just how far removed from her husband she really was. Why was that clipped article in there? Was this a topic of conversation with his mistress? That little detail just further empathizes the gap in emotion between them of which she wasn't aware.

She wrote the book as an explanation to her own four boys about the importance and meaning of what is no doubt one of the defining years of their lives. Their father when from possible Presidential candidate to butt of late night TV jokes. He showed up in Washington, DC, I heard on the radio, to introduce himself to the new Senator from Massachusetts, who also ran a pro responsible spending campaign. People didn't know what to say to him: why was he there?

What a fool.

And she, in missing so much of who this man was, had to grapple with recognizing the traits in him going all the way back to his wanting the vow of fidelity out of their wedding vows. It took courage on her part to write the book.

Cherished

I read an article the other day where more than 100 people who had already read her book stood in line in a snowstorm to speak to Jenny Sanford and get her to sign their book. That says something about a lot of women sharing her experience.

I was looking at the autobiography of Carly Fiorina, the former CEO of HP, in a used book store. I don't really care for what she did at HP, but it is interesting where she came from and how she did it. I just happened to open the book to a discussion of her first marriage. Her husband apparently totally blindsided her by cheating on her and running off with what little money she had. She went back to school and worked her way to the top of the business world.

I heard on the radio news Friday that the Sanford divorce was already final. Boy, that was quick, even for an uncontested divorce!