Hello GentJohn,

Like others I'm not sure if your post is real or not but I'll err on the side that it is.

If you're still reading and you are sincere, please pull up your bootstraps and try to absorb what people are saying in trying to help you.

Your story is wild and unbelievable.

So was mine.

You seem to be feeling like people are attacking you instead of helping you.

So did I...in fact, I initially misunderstood a concept and got blasted by well-meaning posters but in my distraught mindset, I felt similar to the "berated" state you describe. Only one poster defended my erroneous position so I left the forums after only a few posts.

Why? Because I felt berated?

No, I left to do more intense research for what eventually took two weeks.

I sent an email to the Marriage Builders staff, trying to find out more information about my issue (whether or not to expose to OWH 6 months after verifiable NC). Amazingly Dr. Harley himself answered and suggested I call the radio show so on Jan. 31, 2007, I was able to ask ~ and Dr. Harley and Mrs. Harley personally answered my question for free ~ on MB Radio. (You can still hear the recorded segments but unfortunately they are not taking new questions at this time.)

After I followed their advice, I came back to the forums to thank the one poster who made an effort to stand up to the masses. For me, at that time, the issue was not whether we were right or wrong. The fact that this one poster believed my sincerity and tried to help (even if we were both sincerely wrong), motivated me to research further. As it turned out, Dr. Harley suggested a different way to proceed than what the masses had suggested and eventually I did the opposite of what the poster who helped me had said worked for their M. But because this one person took massive shots on my behalf (which made me want to seek deeper insights), I was grateful and wanted it to be known. (My Thank you thread set off another firestorm but that's another story for another time.)

Three years later my now Former Wayward Husband (FWH) and I are into recovery and I don't post much anymore but your story caught my eye.

Why?

Because I thought about doing something similar to what you said you did.

My then-WH and OW were involved in a phone/mail/cyber EA which progressed to a PA when they started phone/cyber sex.

After 3 D-Days, I decided that I wanted my then-WH to be able to make a better evaluation as to whether or not he wanted to choose OW or me. I was frustrated for many reasons (story in my Saga linked to my sig line). I honestly thought it would come back to haunt me if I did not give him the opportunity to meet OW to see what she was like. I wanted him to choose me because he wanted to, not because I had caught him and cut him off from OW.

I offered to buy us both tickets to fly across the country to meet OW.

Fortunately, he declined.

I figured that was the end....right?

Wrong.

Why?

I did not realize until months later when I discovered the book Surviving An Affair by the owner of this web site (and subsequently discovered these forums) that withdrawal from the addiction of an A is real and that it takes time to process. Strategy and planning can enhance one's endurance (and speed things up for some), but it still will take time (and work and research).

I also discovered that it was not too late to save our M and possibly rebuild it to a better state than it was in prior to all that led to his EA/PA.

If you're sincere and you're still reading, GentJohn, please take time to read all the letters and articles on this web site. Decipher the forum posts that have helpful tips that you can use. As your trauma subsides, time will help your perspective change so that more might seem helpful.

The best thing you could do is call the MB phone counseling center to get professional assistance. You can't change your wife or undo what you've done. But you can get a plan to recover yourself and eventually your marriage.

Wishing you well in your endeavors,

Ace

Not sure what was said while we were simulposting but I'll leave my post anyhow.

Ace

This does seem somewhat farfetched: a husband finding out about an online affair and endorsing a tryout to see if his wife is compatable with the guy.

If you really did say okay to this, I still think the bulk of the responsibility lays with your WW, as she promised not to get physical with the guy. Not sure what you were thinking in consenting to the meeting.
I do not understand the justification that you did not want to have this thrown in your face at a later date. After all, if she did throw something like this back in your face, surely, you can see that her resentment would not be justified and she was taking an irrational and immoral position. Who would care if soemone did something like that, as she would have no baisis for her protestation?

Focus on the posts that offer suggestions. Why start a fight?

Gent,

If you're for real, then you'll need to own up to the fact that you brought this on yourself by letting her meet this man. The decision to let her meet him has indeed come back to haunt you.

Now, you need to start fixing your marriage and it starts with exposure, manning up, and following the principles on this site.

At first glance, it seems farfetched but then again, I think about my own mindset following the discovery of H's EA. I bought him a one way ticket to OW's city! It was more along the lines of "get the f--- outta here and let her deal with you" than "go see if there's anything there between you two" but was it really all that different than what GentJohn tried to do?

Fortuantely, my H refused to use the ticket. Who knows what would have happened if he had. She was a HS girlfriend and I still think that if he had just showed up on her doorstep, she might have freaked. But there's no telling, really.

Sure.

1. Tell your wife that swearing at you is not allowed.

2. Tell your wife you are in great pain.

3. Tell your wife it will take time to heal. Possibly years to get over her betrayal.

4. Buy the book Surviving an Affair - and read it together.

I have never cheated and the story is 100% true. The ONLY reason I gave her permission to MEET this guy was so in the future if we were to argue or have troubles she wouldn't throw back in my face that she should have met him or regreted not meeting him in some way. I trusted her (my error) that when she said she would not have sex with him that it was honest. And if I had not given her permission to meet him, she would have done it anyway behind my back.

And this is a huge part of the problem, GJ. Do you see this was a huge mistake? Your wife was already having an emotional affair wtih this man. The solution to an emotional affair is NOT to explore those feelings and go sleep with the man, but to AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS.

I don't see how we can help you if you don't see what a huge mistake this was.

I can possibly see where I brought the sex on myself for allowing the kid to have keys to the candy store, but I had no part in the several month emotional affair. And no one knowing my wife on this site, but me, no one knows but me that she would have never let me live it down if she could not have met him. What disgusts me so much is that she had oral sex with him, and that the first night when she crawled into be to be with me she didn't brush her teeth or shower.

GJ,
What you did was akin to giving a loaded pistol to a young child to play with and warning them whatever you do don't pull the trigger.

And now your WW wants to sweep all this under the rug. Until next time. Expect there will be further contact between the two of them.

You have a lot of work to do.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Again, John, the fear of her throwing this back in your face makes no sense to me. It would be as if I feared my wife yelling at me down the road for not letting her cash in my 401k to buy lottery tickets or something. I would laugh at her if she cited my refusal as inappropriate.
That said, I do acknowledge that with the recnt discovery of the online cheating, you may not have been firing on all cylinders and, perhaps, in you traumatized state, you went along with this.
There is a genuine issue as to whether your endorsement actually facilitated the affair. After all, she was already cheating and there is a decent likeliehood she would have taken this to the phsyical level even had you not consented to her meeting the guy.
Many of us did some enabling early on, as we were misguided, traumatized, and completely in the dark about approprite response to something that was unimagineable to us.

Never, ever let your WW allege that you were complicit in her decision to cheat, regardless of whether you could have responded differently.
As another poster has referenced, it is not an auncommon response for a BS to tell the Ws to go to her lover. This response reflects the BS's philosophy that he or she should not have to do battle with a WS or her lover to enforce vows that the WS should abide by voluntarily, without coercion. It is somewhat demeaning to some BSs to have to "fight" for somoeone in order to have that person submit to being faithful.
If you have to coerce someone to remain faithful , where is the value in their fidelity.
You need to expose your wife's cheating to all that are close to you, IMO. She needs to feel the consequences as she needs to develop a conscience and empathy.

You now have the choice to try to recover or not. Owning your part is the first step. No you did not cause the EA which led to the PA, but you need to look at what you may have contributed to the state of your marriage pre A.

Ace

Of course you had no part in the EA, but instead of helping your wife do the right thing and end the affair, you enabled it. About like handing the car keys to a drunk driver because you didn't want to make her mad. That is very poor judgment, and I hope you can see that now. Your wife is responsible for this affair, but you are responsible for enabling it. She needs you to help her be her BEST, not her WORST. That is what love is. There is nothing loving about helping someone be BAD.

The realization of your role in this sorry tale is the first step towards recovery.

I feel this is a poor analogy for a number of reasons.

First, as should be obvious, we have the distinction between a young child and an adultin terms of expierience and responsibility.
Second, the "pistol" that was handed to the "child" was already in this adult's possession. She was already cheating.

Third, as opposed to the authority one has over a child, he had no real means of enforcement, other than her voluntary compliance too his objection. As we have all seeen, in many, mnay cases , the Ws just does whatever he or she wants regardless of the BS's objection.

And a child does not know the consequences of pulling a trigger.....an adult does.

GJ, IMO, it was a FU to consent to her seeing this guy. I guess we could spend a lot of time guessing what would have happened had you said no way.There is a decent likeliehood that she would have simply gone and done him, anyway.

So, do you want to stay with her? She sounds pretty messed up? Is she worth it? Do you have prospects of a better life without her? What type of person is she , aside from her cheating?

John, as others have pointed out, your reasoning is faulty. Her throwing this back in your face later in life is completely baseless. Will you be a slave to all of her irrational demands for fear of them being thrown back at you? If my wife had attempted to make such a demand of me, I would have told her that it was her choice, but if she chose to do it, she would not have a home to come back to because I would not share her with anyone. You cannot be a slave to fear of your wife's irrational anger. All you have really done is reinforce that she can control you with it.

So, I think we can stop harping on that now. But I think you are going to have a more difficult time than most in getting your wife to truly feel remorseful. So what do you do now? I still recommend that you counsel with the Harleys as they are better than almost all other counselors for building healthy marriages, imo.

Does your wife still think the meeting was the appropriate thing to do? Not the sex, but meeting him to explore her feelings?

Technically, he gave permission for a meeting, not sex.
No doubt it was misguided, but, to be accurate, he did not consent to his wife doing this guy.