I am just curious...

Since learning of the A, what have milestone dates and holidays (e.g. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, Valentines Day...) been like for you all? Have you approached them differently?

As crazy as it may sound, today is Superbowl Sunday - not a date I ever really cared much about, but a day I find myself grieving. This is a day my WH and I would usually spend with another couple or two, watch the game... Now that we are separated, no more couple invites. I have no plans for today. Not sure if I will try to drum up something enjoyable to do or just allow it to be a day where I acknowledge the various things I miss about my life and go on. Next week's Valentines Day too. It is difficult to see the ads on television.

Has anyone out there had similar experiences? How have you approached these days?

I know how you feel, so many holiday memories and traditions, and feeling so sad about all the losses. But I decided early on that my WH leaving wasn't going to ruin more of my life, so continued celebrating with a few changes.

We were like you, watching Super Bowl with other couples. Now I have a Super Bowl Party every year, and my grown kids really look forward to it. It has been a tradition for 6 years now. Everyone is invited, their friends, work friends, neighbors and it is always lots of fun.

At first it felt kind of forced, but it doesn't take long for a family to embrace a tradition.

Valentine's Day is a bit harder, as it seems mainly to be looked at as a couple's day. But I borrow from the tradition in Mexico to make it more of a friendship day, and always plan something fun.

Same thing with my birthday. I always announce it beforehand and invite people over to my home for a pot luck. That has grown over the years and is a time we all look forward to getting together.

I hope you will think of ways to celebrate that while not the same as before, are every bit as enjoyable.

Well, this has proved difficult for me. DD was April, so approaching fast. we have had alot of milestones, last Jan. was 50th anniverary for his parents, so this Jan i found myself wondering what was he really thinking while we were planning this party. the summer was spent planning our daughters wedding this past Dec., every thought was bittersweet. even though we were trying to rebuild and recover, i kept wondering what was he thinking this time last year, he says EA started in March of 09, but they worked together so many group lunches, fun and flirty IM's, E-mails, then march it got serious. so now that its Feb, my mind starts wondering about the what was he thinking, doing. is he missing those times now, she will always be a memory, from what he says, and i have no proof to the contrary, it never escalated to PA, however the want and desire was definitely there. so, now i find myself getting very angry at thim, at the lie i see we were both living before DDay, at the images that my mind calls up and that now i see he didnt mean, was only doing to keep his EA a secret.

and of course the media of late plasering all the recent affairs all over the place. even though there has been no contact, no proof that he doesn't want to work on us, be here now, i find myself second guessing him all the time. it seems to be me, now that is hindering our recovery. throwing around the what ifs, what was he thinking then, what was he wanting then. this valentines day has already been going through my mind.

did he want to be with her, did he get her anything, what was he thinking. so i am already bracing for march, when i saw them together and just thought he was being stupid, after all she was young enough to be our daughter. i have read enough here on these forums to know that it will be difficult. all my memorys, of Christmas, daughters wedding, engagement party, her grad. in may, all colored with the knowledge that he wanted to be someplace else, not really present. if i am feeling this way, is he? he says no, he never thinks of her, he was stupid, cruel, he takes full responsibility, says he knows how he hurt me, so am i doing more damage to myself? harming our recovery by battling these emotions on my own? i don't voice these concerns to him, i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel i am never getting over this...but will i? will the memorys cease to be so painful. will the what ifs stop. will the what was he thinking, doing wanting, will these end?

how do i suggest we make new memorys for those days without letting him in on how much control the past seems to color my future days. how do i prepare myself for the up and coming march and april and may, the months i felt like i was walking through hell itself.

In my situation, D-Day was a couple of days before Christmas Day last year. We already had all of our gifts wrapped under the tree, decorations were up, stockings filled with goodies, and then bang! It all came crashing down. We didn't even have a Christmas and my WW moved away at the end of the year, so no New Year's either. I am expecting a lot of triggers during that time of year, in the years to come.

I found out right before Christmas. Christmas had always been VERY special to me, and that year, I didn't want anything to do with it. I've had 2 other Christmases now. When the 1st came up, I thought...I can ban Christmas and instead let the A define it, but that would be allowing the OW to continue to devestae my life. I won't give her that power. I am going to celebrate to the hilt! Parts were sad, and some triggered. But every time sadness or triggers surfaced, I reminded myself that she would not take another bit of happiness from me. Today is mine. I claim it. I choose what it will be. And I will not give her one more piece of it. That works for me. I now think of Christmastime as the time when personal healing began. It is a bittersweet time. Yes, I lost a lot, but also, I began again. It is the anniversary of a new beginning. I prefer to focus on that and let the rest go.