writer, I did not know anything about your intentions when I quoted you. I only addressed the words in your post.

The only suggestion the OP had been given at the time of her last post was that her H needed to stop travelling. She had not been inundated with advice. There were only 3 posts to her at that point; from codtej, not giving specific advice, from bigkahuna giving Dr Harley's advice to stop the travel, and from me, asking a question.

How can this be seen as being "suddenly inundated with advice that (she) may be having a difficult time processing"? I do not see any grounds for worrying that, from those 3 posts, she would be overwhelmed and would flee.

If anything, a new poster is more likely to flee when she sees that there is no clarity on this forum about how to apply Dr Harley's advice, and that posters argue on a newby's thread.

This argument has been raised and perpetuated by posters arguing against Dr Harley's advice. This has led to some, like me, wishing to defend it, because we can see the dangers in tampering with it. We are not the professionals at the coaching centre who have full knowledge of the case, and the expertise that allows them to tailor-make their advice. We are amateurs, and in this case we have very few details. When we are trying to help newbies, the default position should be to give DR HARLEY'S ADVICE and to cite his articles.

writer, when you first posted here, you were in contact with OM. If I remember correctly, you thought this was necessary because you have a child together. You received consistent advice based on Dr Harley's writings, that NC was essential. You were not immediately receptive to that advice (if I remember correctly) and it took a few posts, in which people quoted from Dr Harley's writings, and gave their own experience, before you saw how NC was essential for your marriage.

It might take a few posts before the OP understands that a non-travelling job is essential if her marriage is to stand a chance of recovery. It might take more than a few people like me, who went through the hell of repeated contact and D Days, made possible by the continuing travel, to show her that there is no other long-term solution. I certainly appreciate why a family needs an income, and why her H might not be able to leave his job today. I never at any point suggested immediate unemployment; indeed, I talked of interim measures, but the bottom line advice should be that this H needs to change jobs. He needs to start looking urgently, today. We do the OP no favours to suggest that cutting down the travel will provide a solution. The most it will provide is a temporary band-aid.

Uh huh

writer, of course they feel inundated with the advice. It is tough advice! No one said it was easy. But that is what it takes to save marriages. Many people come here believing they can save their marriages by cutting corners. They are looking for an easier, softer way. We can't help that. But those of us here who HAVE saved our marriages, are here to tell them they can't cut corners. We would be remiss if we didn't. Sure, it is overwhelming, but the alternative is ever worse.

When someone comes here and asks about the security of her marriage after an affair with a husband that travels, she needs to be told the truth. And that is what happens. Dr Harley said often on his radio show "never spend the night apart." In his own marriage he has mentioned that he practices this in his own marriage and went to a woman's retreat with Joyce.

Even so, you are probably not going to get very far if you think its ok to lecture other posters for giving Marriage Builders advice on Marriage Builders. That is not helpful and gets in the way of helping newcomers. That is what the board is for so I wouldn't go there.

I guess we never heard back from aim re: whether her H's affair was with someone he traveled with/ met while on travel, or with someone from back at home. aim, I hope you stick around.

GO, it really wouldn't make a difference in terms of having a traveling job. Traveling jobs are an invitation to an affair in more ways than one because they create a state of emotional detachment that leads to affairs whether they are assumed on the road or at home. It also leaves the spouse at home vulnerable.

This is why Dr Harley is adamantly against them. Steve recently counseled one such couple for the wife to travel WITH the husband all week until he could find a new job. They have 3 kids ranging from age 6 to 15.

Dr Harley doesn't travel without Joyce. He once said he went on woman's retreat with her and just stayed in the hotel room and worked on his projects. Steve Harley takes his wife HUNTING with him. She doesn't hunt but she mans the cabin while he does.

When my H and I were transferring to another town I would hotel it for 3 nights out of the week. Our marriage was very good at the time and I couldn't believe how hard it was on us. It caused a surprising detachment that was immediately noticable. It was so bad that he started traveling WITH me and worked out his office in this town until we could get moved down here.

writer, this is not an "extreme" position, it is a SANE position that anyone who cares about protecting their marriage takes.

Your H needs to get another job. Not only because of all the things others have posted but because it will cause less anxiety for you.

writer, first off, you didn't hear anyone say that Dr Harley contradicted his own recommendations. Dr Harley only counsels over the weekend board. Those posters were counseling with his SON, Steve.

Secondly, while Steve does seem to contradict MB principles sometimes, that doesn't mean WE have license to do that. I don't know about you, but I am not a licensed counselor. I am a soft drink salesman. Marriage Builders concepts are not set by individual counseling sessions but via the written material on this board.By Dr Harley. What Steve might tell an individual for his personal situation is NOT MEANT for general consumption. And more importantly, what clients report Steve says is hearsay.

The purpose of the board is to learn and affirm Marriage Builders concepts, not "contradict" them. No one told this poster that her H had to run out and quit his job today, Dr Harley has not said that, and no one here has said that. But what has to happen is that he needs to stop spending the night apart from his wife, however that is acheived. And as soon as rationally possible.

I'm going to leave this thread alone. I hope the OP returns and gets the help that she needs.

Sugar Cane: Just for clarification, I have had NC with the OM since August 09 and I came to MB in Sept. 09.

WRONG WRONG WRONG...GO, have you READ what Dr. H says about this??? Why in the world are you saying things that go completely against what DR. HARLEY RECOMMENDS?

aim...the conditions that led to your H's affairs MUST BE ELIMINATED. That is per Dr. Harley BTW, not per GO's "advice".

No, you will never recover if your H continues to travel. I know this because we tried it after my H's affair. It was a nightmare and as time went on, and with each trip that he took, my anxiety got WORSE. Steve Harley told me that was to be EXPECTED because we had not eliminated the conditions that led to his A.

My H changed jobs so that he would not have to travel anymore. Changing jobs included moving out of state, but it wasn't until we did this that our recovery really took off. Please believe me on this...you will eventually start to haev a nervous breakdown if your H continues traveling without you. I was thiiiiiiiiiiis close to a nervous breakdown while he was traveling.

His affairs from 11 years ago were all PA and happened when he did not have a job with travel. I discovered a journal that he wrote in telling the OW how he felt about her. The journal never mentions having sex with her. He wrote about her being sweet and how they exchanged flirtations and about when they went out to a bar, etc. No sex mentioned. He says there was no kissing or sex but there was hand holding. The OW is married with two children. She was fired for other reasons and lives in a state that my husband does not travel to. I found the journal, flipped out, threw him out of the house and told him I want a divorce. Fast forward 10 days, I found this sight and immediately identified with the fact that neither one of us has been depositing into each others' emotional account for a while now. With his travel, my resentment towards his travel, life happenings, work, etc., it's easy to become lazy. I recognize this fact about myself and he feels the same way about himself. We have been talking about what has been missing in our marriage and I believe whole-heartedly that when he is missing something from me he will seek it from someone else rather than talk to me. Obviously our communication stinks. He can not change jobs because our son starts his freshman year at college in the fall and a job change would mean a salary that would not allow us to send him to college. And, as mentioned, his last affairs happened without him traveling. They can happen anywhere.
I have never joined a forum anywhere before and am not sure I am providing good information or not. Please let me know.
I am looking for hope, I suppose, from someone that we can figure out a way to work on this while he keeps his job.

Yes, his EA was with someone he trained for her new postition. She then was sent to help the team open a new store. They spent time together in groups as the team opened a new store and when the team went out at night she was there.
His other PA's happened when he had a job that did not require travel but required working late into the night.
I was hoping someone may have some advice about the best way to repair our marriage while he travels. I seriously do not see him being able to change jobs right now. Our finances don't allow for that.

We are going to talk tonight. I want to see if he can at least cut back. He trains and opens stores so he has to leave on a regular basis (mostly for the training component).

I can not travel with him. I have a full-time job and two children at home.

I'm still learning the lingo and how to do this. You sign BW. What does that mean?

aim,

Whether or not your WH cheated while traveling it will lead to both of you feeling emotionally dettached from one another. My H used to travel a lot and it only made for an unhealthy dynamic. You already said you get resentful of the travel...this will continue. I can only speak for myself, but when my H was gone so much my thinking started to be, what the heck do I need him around for? I was a married single mother. Your child/children are older but if your WH isn't meeting your needs for romantic love, he will start seeing him as little more than a paycheck at some point...plus you get to wash his underwear as an added bonus. Think about the big picture.

Thank you. I do know that he needs a new job. Unfortunately, it's just not that easy. He makes good money there and wouldn't come close to matching it anywhere else right now. He also likes his job and is good at it. He has been working for this company for 10 years and has been traveling for the company for about 5-6 years. This was the only affair that I know about and the only one that I truly feel happened. Naive? I will never know for sure I guess. I appreciate any advice right now. I'm at my wits end.

You won't feel safe while he travels, or stays and works late. It's his job to make you feel safe.

He, if he's able to feel caring at this point (he may be too foggy) won't feel safe leaving you at home, either. Unmet needs are an open invitation for an A. Overnighting apart is a bad idea.

Rather than brainstorm ways for him to keep his current position, brainstorm ways you can be together. I wouldn't rule out traveling with him till you've gone over every option, and ultimately you may be faced with the choice of a protected, thriving marriage and a cozy paycheck.

I could tell you what I'd choose, even if it changed my children's college plans, but ultimately that's a choice each of us has to make for ourselves.

There are ways for your son to go to college without your having to pay every cent of the cost. Your son could get a PT job for his spending money. He could switch to a less expensive college. He could get student loans. Check into college financing solutions.

I'm sure your son would be glad to help fund his education if it means that his mom and dad are happily married again.

Cut back at home. THINGS aren't as important as having a stable and intact family.

Nobody is saying that your WH should quit his job today, but he definitely should be actively seeking another job that does not involve travel.

Yes, he could have an affair anywhere, but the number 1 reason he should stop traveling is so that it "is not the cause of his wife's unhappiness".

Because, aim, you WILL be unhappy every time he is away from home, and I don't think it's likely that your marriage will survive if your husband doesn't do what's necessary.

Thank you for your heart-felt advise. I have way too much to think about. I am going crazy. One minute I hate him and the next I want to work it out. Normal?

Are you still married to him?