I have been lurking for a few weeks now. I am a BS, a title I never, ever dreamed would be mine and one I hate. I joined another group when I found out about 6 months ago. I have to say, just knowing I wasn't alone with all this was a huge help, but it soon became evident that the site was very negative and never mentioned God and it was time for a change. So I went looking and found MB. Funny the book His Needs Her Needs has sat in my nightstand table since it was given to me in the 80's. I have read it several times, but never thought a web site from the author would be started.

My story. I have been married almost 11 years (2nd marriage for both of us), to the love of my life, I just adore him and he is my best friend as well as my husband. We have had a very difficult marriage due to many court battles over custody of his children. These battles put us in a huge hole financially and a strain on our marriage. My point is we had problems before the A, not just money, but other issues as well. We had been in and out of therapy for years. In October of 08, he reconnected with his old GF from high school (27 years ago) and what started out as innocent e-mails soon turned into an EA, then they met twice for a PA. In late June he basically started leaving clues everywhere for me and it was not until August that I actually found them. He knew the only way for this to stop was for me to find out. The minute I confronted him with what I found he admitted it and stopped all contact with her.

I on the other hand started e-mailing her. Looking back I am not sure why I did that but I was in shock and question so many things I did. I really was out of my mind. He trickle truth me until Oct of 09 when I contacted the Ow's husband and told him everything. She came clean with things my H had not told me. He had watched me go through all the crying and pain the first few months and by the time the fog had lifted from his mind he decided not to tell the rest because he was afraid of what it would do to me. I found out from the OW's H instead, then my H told me everything. Two months before I found out he had started really making an effort in out marriage and we had started rebuilding, things were good, then the bomb hit.

Let me explain a bit more before I ask my questions. We are both born again Christians and the minute he left here to go meet her the first time the guilt set in. He knew he was making a huge mistake. After the first time, he wanted out, but was so afraid she would tell me and he started trying to slow things down. She started insisting he visit her again (I read most of the e-mails between them). He made up so many excuses and finally planned another trip.

My H and I have always had an awesome sex life. Both have high sex drives and he has never had an issue with ED or staying hard. Gosh I hope this is not TMI. So they meet on two separate occasions, each of those times they attempt intercourse 3 times, so six all together and he can't do it. No matter what he tried or she tried, nothing. He said it was the most humiliating thing to ever happen to him. He made up all sorts of excuses as to why he was having issues. I found out from the OW because she asked me if he was on medication for his problem.

I have poured over these threads and found nothing on this subject. Instead of this making me feel better I still am hurt and crying over the lies, the kisses they shared, the e-mails, the phone calls. So I guess I have two questions, does this happen often where a man cannot perform? The other question is do BS really ever heal or do we just learn to hide the pain better so no one knows? My sister once said after the death of my BIL, "People say time heals the hurt, well it doesn't. Time just gives you the ability to hide how you feel". Is that what us BS do? Do we just hide the pain? How do I stop picturing my H hands on her body, his lips kissing hers and on and on? I hurt and want it to stop. Sorry, that was more then two questions.

It has only been six months since I found out and I have to say my H has been awesome, he has read this site with me, he has read other books with me, he has listen to me, held me when I cry, etc. In fact he said that when I have a "moment" as we call them I am to come to him and he drops what he is doing and we pray. That was his idea to do, hoping by praying that I could get rid of whatever is bothering me. Our marriage is stronger than ever and there are times when I am actual grateful for the A as it seems to have been the kick we needed to realize how much we love each other.

Thanks for any help or suggestions anyone can give me.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here, if you know what I mean.


Hang on to that one, it is the key.

Forgiveness does not mean you forget. Minds can go into a pain loop as a protection mechanism - don't get hurt again, you brain says. Time can and likely will, mitigate your thoughts, or it should. You might need professional guidance to help you with that process and certainly your husband is a serious key to helping you. Sounds as if he understands that is is trying.

It wasn't TMI. It was helpful. Guilt got him and that is a good thing. If you can find humor in that scene, by all means so do. It will help you.

Now it is that what he did was just not right. On the other hand, lemme tell you that anyone who allows their mate to go to a high school reunion is out of their cotton picking minds, which is Texan for crazy. What happens is that a long ago infatuation can rear up and temporarily bite them on the buttocks. And nobody is totally immune: read Harley.

But you didn't know that.

Now you do.

Larry

Morning,

Welcome to MB, as you have seen for awhile now, it's absolutely the best place you can be under the circumstances.

When my H left me I was completely destroyed and could NEVER imagine being normal or getting over it. My AA sponsor told me that time takes time.

I often wondered during the A if it would have been better for WH to be dead instead of left me because then he wasn't out there hurting me. And then we got back together like you have it seems.

You have pointed out that your M is better than ever and in some ways this has maybe you both take stock on how much you love each other. That is the same for me. My M is better, but I AM a BETTER person. I am a woman of G-d who has the most amazing relationship with my G-d.

From my own set of circumstances and point of view, I believe the pain does dissapated and eventually go away. I still have moments of triggers, sadness at the whole situation, but then I get to remember for me, that G-d needed something very drastic in my life to change me. This is what worked.

In the life of recovery, you are really just at the beginning and just like there are timelines to an A, I have found there are timelines to recovery.

You mentioned your sister's grief. My mom NEVER got over the death of my father, from the day he died she wanted to be in the ground with him. Things are never the same, it's like a new normal takes place. How long has it been since he died and how is your sister doing today?

They actually reconnected on Classmates. He wasn't looking for her (at least that is what he says) and once he saw her on there she contacted him. When I found out, I broke into his e-mail account and read the beginning e-mails and then the ones towards the end. I read how she came on to him and because I had allow his love bank to become empty he was prime for an affair. I knew this. I told my best friend (in 2008) that if he was not already having an affair he probably would before long. Then I read how right after the last time he saw her how he was trying to discourage her from moving here. She was willing to leave her husband and her children to be with my H or at least be closer to him. He kept saying that she could not leave her children, they needed her. She was demanding he come visit her again. Her letters had a threatening tone, an almost "come see me or I will tell". My H panic and set up another fake business trip and was going again. That is when he started really leaving the clues for me to find out. He could not tell me himself, but knew if I found out he would have the excuse to end it all.

I did find a bit of humor to his "problem", especially when the OW wrote me asking about him being on medication. I asked her for what and she explained what happened. I was in shock and told her not only did he not have a problem but was a very healthy man in that department. She wrote me back and said "Do you think it was me, that maybe he was not attracted to my body". I asked her if she forgot who she was writing to.

Thank you Larry for answering me. I also want to say that this site is so much better than the other site as it seems more about saving marriages than just getting through affairs.

Reyna

QueeniesAdventures,

You bring up many great points and one more thing I want to share. In January of 09, I started having a thirst for the Bible like no other time in my Christian walk. I read and read and learned so much. I became a stronger person in my faith. Now I realize it was because God knew I would be needing every bit of strength and faith I had when I found out what my H had done. He was right, without having spent 8 months growing and learning I would never had made it through what I did with the attitude I did. There was never a question of whether we would divorce or not, I knew we would fight for our marriage. It has not been an easy road, in fact it has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through, but I am a better person because of it. I just worry that the pain will never really heal. Like a wound it won't scar over, but always bleed. I will just keep it covered from the world with a band-aide. No one will see it, but I will feel the pain always.

When you say I am at the beginning, is there anywhere on this site that gives some sort of time line as to when I might start feeling like the pain will go away. I love my husband and he is doing so much to help me heal/us heal, I just want the pain to go away. Or is everyone different and I will heal when I heal?

As for my sister it has been almost 7 years and she still hurts, but in public you would never know.

Reyna

I'm so glad that your H is doing everything to help you heal.

When is in G-ds time, not mine. Yep, you heal when you heal, some it's quicker rather than others and I don't know what the formula is. I just know it happens.

I could NEVER imagine one day that the A would almost be non existent. It doesnt' define me, its just there. Somedays little more pronounced and still I get sad over so much loss, but what I have today is so much better.

I'm not that good at knowing the timelines. Hopefully someone will come along that has more knowledge than me. Keep reading, or put in timelines in the search and see what comes up.

I'm sorry that your sister is still hurting after so many years. Does she have a support system?

Hi Reyna

This is Sure1. It has been a year for us and I can tell you that time does heal; whether it heals it entirely, only time will tell me that. Amongst the happy, hopeful days there is the odd day of insecurity and pain but those lapses are much further apart. Fortunately for me, like your husband, my FWH is extremely remorseful and committed to helping me/us fully recover. I still wonder if the pain will ever go away entirely and I sure hope it does. The advice and encouragement I have been reading on this site keep me grounded; make me realize that I am going through the process others have gone through and help me recognize the hurdles I am creating and the attitudes/beliefs that I need to work on. Hang in there!!

Reyna

Your central question is how long to heal/forget. Well, a long time, depending;

1. Depending on you and your world view.
2. Depending on how much you obsess.
3. Depending on your support group to include your WS and church.
4. Depending on lifestyle diversions.
5. Depending on the amount and quality of therapy.

Ahhhhh, number 5. Some therapists aren't worth a bucket of
warm spit. Others, like the Harley's geterdone.

Larry

Sure,
I know that even in the 6 months since this journey began I have changed. I went from thinking about it 24/7, knowing I was suffering from PTSD (long story, but went through it after 9/11 as we were closely involved that day, so I knew the signs), horrible nightmares where I would wake up screaming and the list goes on like many others on here. Now I no longer have nightmares and many of the other symptoms are gone. So I know time does help, but the pain seems to just hang on. Yesterday was very hard, I cried off and on all day. The anniversaries of when things happened seem tough for me. Like the day they started e-mailing, the day they first attempted to be together, the day he bought a phone and other things that will come up. I can't remember dates worth a darn, yet these dates are burned into my brain.

I just want this all to go away and yet I know it won't. I don't want to live a life with this pain buried deep in my heart as I put a smile on my face and pretend I am OK.

Thanks for answering me.

Reyna

Queenie,
No my sister never went to seek help. She is a breast cancer survivor and it seems everything she goes through that she needs to reach out for help she does the opposite. Sad way to live, but I can't change her, just try and be there for her when she does want to talk.

Larry,

We went to several therapist prior to the A happening and yet my H still had an A, so I am not real thrilled with the idea of seeing another. Right now we are trying to work through this together and by reading on this site and then talking about what we read. So far it is working for us.

Thanks for your list!

Reyna

Reyna, my story is very similar to yours except that it never went PA. Not for lack of effort on the OWs part. And she also pursued him from before our wedding (during our engagement) all through our marriage and then at a HS reunion, 4 years ago, when our marriage was at a very low point, and his lovebank was in the red, and I wasn't there (Larry has excellent advice re: HS reunions!), well, she saw her opportunity.

I've learned that some people have no morals (she was married the ENTIRE time she pursued him and we had been married almost 20 years by the time the EA started). And that every WS follows the same script. If I had known about marriage builders back then, I think I would have picked up on it a lot sooner...everything my husband said to me sounded as though it came from a script right out of central casting. Thankfully, my instincts were good on insisting on NC, a letter to that effect, exposure, etc.

But like a wound, it heals and becomes a scar and things are never ever the same. That's the sad part. The happy part as you attested, is that it is often the wake-up call and the path back to a happy marriage.

Keep following the MB principles: Make sure you both have EPs in place, are practicing O&H and POJA, spending time together and filling each other's lovebanks.

Reyna:

And for a few more possibilities. . .

6. Help others here. Amazing how helping others helps the healing process.
7. Take a vacation from the obsession; go somewhere new for a couple of weeks or whatever you can afford, then get back to it.
8. See the post I did on how people learn. I don't have that many current posts, so easy to find.
9. Reflect on how many successes there are: affairs infest roughly 60-80% of marriages where one or both will cheat in roughly 50% women, 50% male ratios. And adultery accounts for a very high percentage of divorce. My guess is that 50% divorce, 50% stay together in a more or less marriage.
10. Take a long hard look at hubby. Is he a keeper?

As others have said, such as ourhouse, nothing is ever the same, but that doesn't mean BAD, just different. You have to find new reasons to stay together and like each other, and yes, to trust each other.

Larry

OurHouse...thanks for sharing with me. You are right it will never be the same...but things were not really good for the last few years.

Larry in all you wrote #10 stood out like a blinking light. I sat here and thought long and hard regarding that question and without a doubt he is a keeper. Every morning I wake up roll over and kiss him (I get up very early and he likes to sleep a little later) and I honestly say a quick thank you to God that he is there and that the opposite is not my life and that is that I roll over and he is gone.

I will keep reading and try and post more to help others if nothing more to let them know someone is out there and reading. I know that helps me just to know someone is taking the time to write.

Reyna

Reyna:

So long as you are NOT doing it for pride and ego, then he is a keeper and you be keepin` him. *grin*

All the best.

Larry