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I've noticed while surviving my wife's affair that there are basically two schools of thought out there with people I know in real life.
Their attitude is essentially one of these:
1. Kick her to the curb!
-or-
2. You need to love her extra special hard, so she stops having an affair. Also, make sure you love her super duper hard in the future, so she doesn't do it again.
When I explain plan A and B, or say things like "people have affairs because they lack boundaries" I get blank stares in return. Our therapist is the only one who gets these concepts, and that's only a couple hours a week.
Sometimes I feel very alone out here. I'm eternally grateful for this resource, and all the vets on this board, I'm just shocked that in my personal life, people don't seem to understand the MB principles.
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We, the BS, might have to work super hard in plan A and B, but after, MB does not recommend R with a WS who does not put 100% of effort in the R process.
I agree that some of us here, BS, do put too much effort in R when there is really no hope and that is truly hard and wasted work. But in general if you follow the MB and your WS is totally committed to R then the workload should shift more on the WS than on the BS.
blessing
atena
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The blank stares come from ignorance. Our culture is doing society a huge disservice by promoting the fairy tale stuff about unconditional love, blind trust, if your WS cheats something must be wrong with you, if you don't let your spouse go to strip clubs/watch porn...you're a prude, blah, blah, blah. This junk is thrown at us everywhere you look. Too many people are buying into the mantra of life is short so do whatever you have to do to make yourself happy...if you crush a few people along the way...oh well. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Dec 2009
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MB does not recommend R with a WS who does not put 100% of effort in the R process.
I agree that some of us here, BS, do put too much effort in R when there is really no hope and that is truly hard and wasted work. Hmm, this hit me... My WS is definitely not putting in anything close to 100%, and is still struggling with NC. We're coming up on the 6 month mark since Dday. Sometimes I feel like I'm pouring myself into a lost cause, but then I tell myself that it's just doubt. At what point am I just a sucker...
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2. You need to love her extra special hard, so she stops having an affair. Also, make sure you love her super duper hard in the future, so she doesn't do it again. That's not quite what MB or Plan A is about.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Yes, this is so true. And the WS does not really get bad treatment from anyone. We, the BS are looked upon as b*tch and all that and in the culture where I am in they also say...she was not able to keep her H, she was not able to keep him and he was a nice man...he left her for another because she was a handful.
blessing
atena
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Waffle, it is ultimately your choice...if you still have it in you to put energy in the M and you feel it is going to work at some point..then go for it.
If you feel deeply that this is becoming a lost cause...then move on with your life.
blessing
atena
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2. You need to love her extra special hard, so she stops having an affair. Also, make sure you love her super duper hard in the future, so she doesn't do it again. That's not quite what MB or Plan A is about. It's nothing like MB or Plan A. That's why it upsets me that people try to give me horrible "advice" like that.
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MB does not recommend R with a WS who does not put 100% of effort in the R process. I don't think this is accurate. MOST WS do not put in 100% in the R process AT FIRST. It takes awhile for them to defog but once they do, the real R can begin. So, just because a WS is not putting in 100% at first, doesn't mean someone should give up. It takes TIME for the recovery process and then it goes in stages.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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You just have to ignore real life "advice" and keep doing what you know works ~ MB.
When I was in Plan B I sent my closest family members the link to this website so they could see and read about what I was doing and why. I told them I would not defend myself or my actions any longer to them (they thought I was crazy for doing a few things...namely massive exposure and Plan B), if they wanted to support me, GREAT...and if not, then I could not be around them at the time ~I was in enough turmoil as it was and the last thing I needed was to have to defend myself to my family.
Once they read here and came to understand the logic and reasoning behind what I was doing, they were fully supportive. That made it much easier for me.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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MB does not recommend R with a WS who does not put 100% of effort in the R process. I don't think this is accurate. MOST WS do not put in 100% in the R process AT FIRST. It takes awhile for them to defog but once they do, the real R can begin. So, just because a WS is not putting in 100% at first, doesn't mean someone should give up. It takes TIME for the recovery process and then it goes in stages. ITA.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Too many people are buying into the mantra of life is short so do whatever you have to do to make yourself happy...if you crush a few people along the way...oh well So true. When I read arkhawk1's post on how movies like "The Notebook" is fueling that desire in our society, it really spoke to me. Nicholas Sparks isn't doing any of us any favors...
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