Whether you call it immaturity or a PD, it manifests itself in very destructive, hurtful behavior.

In normal situations this is often true, and can bring healing to a couple.

In a situation where BPD is involved, this is not usually the case because they cannot take responsibilty for their actions, or be humble. Large doses or "reality" like separation or divorce do no good, usually.

I was ripped apart by my H's confessions. While I grieved and cried uncontrollably in early days after d-day, my husband was uneffected outwardly. He PLAYED VIDEO GAMES while I suffered the worst pain of my life.

What you describe, Mopey, is what I think distinguishes these folks from the typical WS, as hurtful as their behavior may be, is this lack of empathy.

Many WS don't care in the early days after Dday (and some never do.) They are still lying to themselves that they really are acting like scummy people and don't want to face the ugly truth.

If the WS keeps showing such a lack of care for the BS in the long run, they should go no matter what they are inflicted with.

VERY IMPORTANT INFO HERE .... I'm jes sayin'

I KNOW this was the case for me. My husband wore a mask that took d-year and polygraph to uncover. My children suffered from this as well. I was shocked that he could be so dishonest and not who I thought he was. He took my naivete and ran with it.



I believe there is truth in this. I ignored a few red flags before marriage I believe because of this very thing. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I am really starting to think either my wife or I have some type of personality disorder.

How does one get someone showing these symptoms to accept healp?

A good author on this is Shari Schreiber. It seems a good number of men find themselves married after their girlfriends "accidentally" become pregnant. She claims BPD women use this technique a fair amount.

Agreed. Which makes it nearly impossible to recover from the pain of infidelity with someone with BPD.

Agreed.

Which is a childish reaction/BPD type reaction, for the ones that never do.

I think mopey makes a good point. There is a distinction between immaturity and naivete(sp?).
I know in my case, I was very much less sophisticated in the romance area and I was way too trusting. I overlooked many red flags.
But, as far as maturity goes, I suspect i was pretty average. I'd worked myself through college and law school, had excellent credit and job history and acted responsibly , for the most part.

Agreed. That's why I no longer blame my unhappiness on my H. I blame myself instead.

Your right of course Pep. It's hard for me though to accept the fact that I ignored those red flags years ago. There were 3 of them, and I let him spin those because I wanted to believe him. I don't think I would have settled for believing anything other than what I felt in my heart back then about those red flags, had I not had the upbringing that I did. Me being abused was my life from an early age. I accepted that from my H back then.

My recovery over the last 3 years has been all about convincing myself that I deserve better treatment. It has been heartwrenching for me. This is such a hard topic for me. It brings me so much pain. I haven't cried in awhile now, and I'm crying now.

I use to consider myself a strong person. I don't feel that way now. I pray everyday for strength.

Me, too, mopey. I wonder all the time how I let this happen to myself. I should have known better.
But, one thing I have learned about my naivete and low sense of entitlement is that these are fixable. They are not due to selfishness or some malevolent motivation. Thye stem form my homelife as a kid, something I had no choice in.
My therapist, a good guy, tells me all the time that he is amazed at what I was able to overcome.

This is how I know I have bipolar disorder:

I respond to treatment
3 doctors/psychiatrists have confirmed the diagnosis

To Tabby and others, if you think you may have a disorder, go to AT LEAST two trained and slicenced professionals, have extensive screening done, and then allow them to give you a diagnosis. Do not read your diagnosis on the internet, ask your best friend, or get on a bipolar discussion board and let them analyze you. You would not let a banker diagnose you with cancer. Don't let one diagnose you with BPD, bipolar, etc.

These labels, treatments, and medications have life-long implications. Don't enter enter them lightly just because four things on a list sound like you.

Okay, Mr. W., I'll bite.

-AND- I will admit to a large measure of emotional immaturity!

I married early, at age 22, while I was still in college. As a result, I was a "married man" at the time of life when many men are establishing themselves in careers, "sowing their wild oats" and what have you. I will even admit to emotional immaturity back then, as I have come to realize that growing up, emotions were largely frowned upon or ignored in family.

When I met The Leopard, I had been single again for over eleven years. I had spent most of those years achieving sobriety from alcohol, creating a career, and "growing up" in many ways.

The Leopard appealed to me BECAUSE of my emotional immaturity. She was attractive, playful, and seemed to be everything I wanted in a partner and wife. And I admit my emotional immaturity contributed to my ignoring the facts of her upbringing and past. I have never disagreed with this.

I think the only part that I take some exception to is your statement that most Borderlines eventually grow out of it. This seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom. At least from what I've read. SOME can be treated, but doing so is a long, arduous task and can take its toll on the therapist as well as on the patient.

I am currently reading "Borderline Personality Disorder: Struggling, Understanding, Succeeding" by Colleen E. Warner, Psy.D. Geared to the therapist, this is a book that attempts to shed some light on the difficulty of treating such people.

In the long run, I termed my stbxw "The Leopard" strictly because she is consistent with her past behaviors and, approaching 50, has nothing to show for her adulthood except for three children. Three children by two former husbands that she left --abandoned-- creating the groundwork in them that she herself exhibits.

Yesterday I was spending time with my daughter, celebrating her 28th birthday. I remarked to her that at least I have a retirement plan, meager as it may be at this time. I own a house, my car is paid for, and I have money in the bank. It's not a matter of wealth, but The Leopard has none of those things. I'm not even sure she has medical coverage at this point. She has no credit rating, and has an apartment only because she inherited a small sum of money that she will burn through in no time.

No, The Leopard hunts prey who will take care of her. As I did, even though she made it seem as though I wasn't (another ability of the BPD). It remains to be seen if her married OM will be able to do the same thing, or if she'll abandon him when she finds a more likely prospect.

In the mean time, my recovery is contingent upon achieving a more greater level of emotional maturity.

No, it's not hard for you to accept the fact.
It's hard for you to turn the facts into lessons sans emotional reaction. You will, eventually.



Most BS have the same or similar experience with hindsight.
That too is a fact.
So, with facts comes reasoned choices.



Yes. I can see that acceptance as something needing to be unlearned.


I am certain .... I will remove myself from abuse, once I recognize it.

My advice? Forget any sentence that starts with "I deserve .... " It's a stronger statement to begin with "I am certain ....".


With wisdom comes strength.
With fear comes weakness.