So it's been 2 years since I found out about my wife's emotional affair, the details are still blurry as it was a messy time in our lives. My original posts can be found in archives under "Wife asked for Divorce, reconciled now I want..". At the time I was just surprised with a divorce request, but months later (after trying my best to deal with it and getting ideas from this forum) I found out that she had started having an emotional affair. I found out and it rocked my world. We did counseling, I read books, she tried to read some, long talks,etc. We are seemingly in a good place right now, but I am very confused, my trust is completely gone and I don't even care about our relationship or our life anymore. I don't say or show any of these feelings to her, so at times I feel like the biggest hypocrite. Especially being a christian man, even my faith has been rocked (since the EA involved someone at church!). Here I am 2 years later, regreting everything I did to save the marriage, taking her abuse and lies, and now trying to live life as if nothing happened, when in reality I just want to scream at her and tell her what's in my heart and how much it hurts everyday. To her credit, she has apparently done a 180 on her behavior and honesty towards me, but I feel like it's another lie. I live my day to day waiting for another "relapse", but this time I am going straight to court and filing a divorce. It took this much pain to make me realize that I am a great man, a great husband and a great father. My mistake was that I cared too much about everyone else. Even now I feel like I am still in this marriage for my two kids, and that's the reason I tried to keep this marriage together. Yes, I feel like a coward sometimes, afraid of what would happen, even though I am not doing anything to let go of the pain and hurt. I just pray that the memories go away, but it's been 2+ years and the anger and resentment come back on a daily basis. I am growing colder in the relationship, even think about leaving her once the kids are grown, or having an affair, I even wish I could just find a woman I can trust again. (yes, I know all this goes again my beliefs and are wrong! but please don't turn it on me as I am trying to use the same excuse as she used on me- it's your fault, you didn't pay attention to me, etc) After all this rant, I do hope to make some points to men whose wives are having or have had an EA.

Go with your gut feelings!
Don't hope it to go away, or ignore it. Be a MAN!, deal with it right away!
Don't believe her lies, she lied to me for 3 months!!
Prepare for the worst.
If you have kids, think of them first, because she even stops being a mother once she is in an EA
Snoop if she's not open with you
Get a lawyer or legal advice
Write a journal, keep detailed notes
Rethink yourself, rebuilt yourself.

We are supposed to be the head of our households, and when things like these happen, it is the time to take control. I did not, I cried and begged, lowered myself, humiliated myself, hoping to get to her heart. All I got was verbal abuse, sarcasm and lies. The day I had enough and decided that I wasn't going to take anymore, I told her to leave the house, that is the day that she started to react. Unfortunately, it was probably too little, too late, because I felt that something had died inside of me, and the funniest thing of it all is that .....the phrase she used when she asked me for a divorce.."I love you, but I am not in love with you". Made sense!! Now I understand what she meant! Life works in funny ways sometimes. I still have hope and pray that this somehow will work some day, but I am living a miserable life right now. Don't let it happen to you, unfortunately we never know until it happens. Regardless of the reasons given for an EA, the full blame and responsibility is with the cheating partner, and there's no reason in the world (besides being a total wacko!!) that can be used as an excuse to cheat.

painlove...what have you done to recover the M? Have you done all the things suggested on this site?

Did she write a NC letter?
Is she in full NC...none whatsoever?
Are YOU in NC? Do you check up on the OM, or know anything
about what he is doing now? [This will stall your recovery if you are.]
Is she fully transparent?
Are you meeting ENs and avoiding LBers?
Are you spending your 15 hours UA together? [This is CRUCIAL for recovery.]

If you have not done these things then your recovery will continue to be hard. Some of the things you are feeling are normal 2 years out...if you are doing the things listed above however, it will get better.

PainLove I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable. Everyday that I am working Plan A I secretly wonder if I will end up feeling the same as you do years down the road.

I am sorry, but it might take me a while to sort out all those acronyms, but I'll try. To answer some of the questions:
I have done everything when she first asked me for a divorce, I suggested counseling, read HNHN, 5lovelanguages, etc, a total of 12 books. Practiced all the steps, did the questionnaire, tried to watch Fireproof with her, etc. I was the one trying everything, but all she did was laugh at me, answer with sarcasm, even made fun of my emotional state to my kids. Even after I found out about the EA and confronted her, I took it all, thinking it was me that somehow failed to pay attention to her, or maybe worked too hard, or took too much time tending to the kids and cleaning the house.
She is not the kind to read books and sign NC letters, and even if she did, I don't think it will matter much if she were to have a relapse. The EA was short lived, maybe 2 to 3 weeks, and only on the phone, but my lack of trust makes me think that there's was more. I talked to the OM and he said that he does not want anything with her, but then again, he is a coward and a fake, and I know that he has messed with others emotionally as well. Why would I want to know what he is up to? as far as I know he is divorced and lives a lie. Left kids and wife.
She is fully transparent and says she loves me, the relationship has improved a lot, but I could care less. In a way, I am willing and wishing that something would happen to trigger yet another "problem", but this time I am going to be aware and not be fooled, and I think that is part of my problem, I feel like I was taken advantage of and she did not hesitate to squeeze everything she could out of me, I don't want revenge, but I wish I could make her feel what I felt during that time. I am following and filling her emotional needs fully but find myself not caring as much lately, because I am not getting any needs back. We spend about 6 to 7 hours daily! but part of that time is watching TV, she loves TV and is not a talker. So that time might as well be spend separate. The rest of the time I spend cleaning the house, paying bills, working, taking care of the kids, school, after school, homework, weekend activities, breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc. I do it all, I wish we could be on those reality shows with cameras everywhere to show how much I do and what she does. I stopped asking her for help, because she never follows up, and that is probably part of my problem as well. My eyes were opened to what was really happening in my marriage, whereas before I loved her blindly and was willing to put up with all her shortcomings, I now see what my life is and will be, and don't like it. I want a partner and not another baby to take care of. I've been doing this all my married life, but after the EA, it has become apparent that it was not enough.
In her mind what happened, happened and we should move on, but that's easy to say when you are the one doing the cheating. I wonder what she would say if I was the one who cheated. The worst part of it is that she lied to me. As weird as it sounds, I could care less, if she had cheated, or even slept around with multiple men, to me the lying part is the worst. The trust has been broken, and I don't think I'll ever get it back because as soon as she is late one minute or I see her on the phone or the computer, all the thoughts come back again, no matter what she does, or reassurances she gives me. I've tried holding her and looking in her eyes to see if I could experience the love I used to have, but it's like looking at a casual friend and it hurts me.

painlove,

I have several thoughts for you to consider. You said Just not an honest man is what you are saying.

Given your feelings you should be in counseling with your W working on YOUR issues in this marriage. You already know you are a hypocrite as you said this yourself, but you are more you are lying to her just as she lied to you and for the same reason. You don't want to lose something but you want something else.

You also said

Your problem is that you are praying for the wrong thing. The worst thing that could happen is for you or your W to FORGET what happened. You cannot learn if you forget. What should be happening if you allowed yourself to be honest and actually work on your marriage is that the feelings associated with your memories will fade and disconnect. And while the feelings disconnect from the memories, the lessons you both learned would enhance your life and your marriage.

You are the one that is not letting this happen. Have you considered "forgiving" yourself for your failure to see these things and for the "messy time" in your life that seems to have precipatated her having this EA?

I think it is time for some real honesty on your part, both in looking at yourself and in seeking help for your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Plan A I am assuming is part of the not getting angry, not talk about the relationship, but focus on filling her needs while she is still in denial or emotionally detached. Been there, done that. If you know that you have been a good husband and father and never, ever cheated on her, then be ready for a painful ride, especially if she is just out of the relationship or still recovering. But remember to be a Man as well, I think one mistake I made was trying to fill her needs while at the same time showing weakness by being too needy emotionally. I tried to appeal to her emotional side without realizing that she wasn't there. Women forget everything and behave like complete monsters when they go through whatever makes them flip. I wish I had known then what I just recently learned, even finding out about the EA. Things would've been different. I was a hard working man, that provided for my family, she did not work, I gave her as much as I could possibly give her. I spoiled her even, so much so that I ended up going above my means to please her. Well with the economy going south, my income dropped, we went through a lot during the EA and now she works and we rent a small place. My life now is my kids. If you love your wife and are willing to fight for her, go for it, but if you are like me in terms of emotions, beliefs and trust, things are not going to be the same, something changes and it will never be the same. The question is are you willing to live with it and for how long? I've been tempted to just go out and have an affair myself to "even" things out, yeah I know 2 wrongs don't make right. As men, we go through a lot of emotional pain, but it is different because we try to deal and react to the pain to find a solution. One thing that I can say came out of this, is that I am more aware of what I need to do in my marriage in terms of emotional needs and taking care of her, paying more attention, etc. Yes it made me a better man, but why did it have to be this way? Be strong and understanding even though you may be upset and angry, but if you don't see any changes on her or get this nagging gut feeling, try to find out what is causing it. I prayed and I got the answers I needed, in a way it made me more religious and I thank G_d that I had religion ingrained in me otherwise, I would have done some crazy things. But now I have another nightmare to deal with, only this time it's in my own head and heart.

It sounds like your greatest struggle right now is accepting what has happened. You have some regrets...don't we all, but you can't turn back the clock. If you are a better man today, then that alone should give you much pride. The fallout of infidelity is not fair and nothing will make it more fair...ever.

What I am going to say probably isn't going to be wildly popular with you, but here goes anyways...

painlove...as I said earlier, some of what you are feeling 2 years out is normal...however, some of it is your fault.

<I'll wait for you to pick yourself up off the floor.>

It sounds like you have some boundary issues...why are you doing all of this with nothing in return? Of course you are going to be resentful and not have loving feelings towards your W if you do all of this with NOTHING in return.

You see...of COURSE she is happy with this situation...you do all the work, meet her needs and she does...NOTHING. There is nothing motivating her to change!

You need to figure out where SHE ends and where YOU begin. You can only control YOU. You cannot make her meet your needs and have a good marriage with you...you can only state to her what YOU will do when YOU do not see change.

Are you with me so far?

Thank you for your reply, but I need to ask. I know I am not being honest with her which probably puts a dent on my great husband, father, etc. The problem is that I am not sure of what I want, I am confused and I am using this forum to release some of my confussion. If I knew what I needed to do, I would honestly talk to her and deal with the consequences. Right now I am just struggling with the aftershocks of what happened to our marriage. I am lying to her but not for the same reason, she lied to me and I don't know the reasons why and she won't talk about it, she blames it on stress, mid-life crisis, chemical imbalance, etc. I don't buy it, she did what she did because she felt like it and made a conscious decision to do it, there's no excuse. It pains me to say this, but sometimes when I am feeling down, I feel like I wouldn't care if she had an EA again, it would actually help me make a decision. It's hard to explain how I can see myself type this, when I loved this person so much until the EA.
I feel that the worst thing that can happen is that I forget the EA as well, because it seems to me that she has already forgotten and has moved on, but did not learn anything from it. I guess that's why I am holding back, I don't want ti to happen again, and don't want to feel the pain again. I guess I am protecting myself. Hard to understand and explain, it can only be understood when it happens to our personal lives.
I forgave her, I guess I can't really understand why I should forgive myself. I've tried to figure out how I could have prevented this, or see it coming. Even during the counseling sessions, I found out that there was nothing I could have done to avoid this. I did everything a husband/father was supposed to do, I made sure I took care of all her emotional, physical, sexual needs. I bent backwards to please her in every way. I went out of my way to do things that she wanted to do, etc.
How much more honest can I be? She knows about this forum and read it when I first found out about the EA, she even acknowledged that she didn't realize how much she had hurt me. But the problem is I am having a hard time believing anything she say.

It's ok and understandable to be confused...VERY normal for a BS at this stage.

Lying about it is only hurting you...and is unfair to her. Why are you doing this?

So I read the HNHN book for nothing? It takes two to make a relationship work. Please explain the boundary issues in more detail, you know how men can be thick sometimes. I am not trying to control her, but I wish she cared enough to meet some of my needs, just as I've been doing it for her all my married life, and even more so lately. I do get the "you can only state to her what YOU will do when YOU do not see change". and I have done that, that is why I am ending up doing everything. I have asked her to help with the house, help with the kids, help with chores, etc. Only to end up having to do it myself after she failed to take the kids to the doctor or clean the kitchen, etc. Not only had the work doubled, now I have to play catch up. It's hard to understand what I am going through without seeing it first hand, and believe me I am trying my best, but with the EA and all, my patience is running low. I've heard it all, love is not a feeling, you have to work hard at it, stay for the kids, divorce is not the way, etc. But what if all the work feels like it's one sided? I am willing to take full responsibility for whatever I did to cause her to have an EA, but please tell me what it was? Sometimes there are no reasons (I am not trying to make myself a saint/marthyr here), but I've always put her first on anything I did, I gave myself up for her, over and over. Even the counselors have asked her what I did wrong, and she said nothing, that it was her wrong decision and that she did not handle it well, and that I did not deserve it. Then why? is the question I ask myself. I guess I just have to understand that sometimes things happen for no reason. And yes, I did get the "it'll make your marriage stronger", "testing your faith", etc.

You are right Black Raven. I am struggling to accept what happened, because I was the last person in the world that I'd ever thought would be going through this. But yet here I am. Does that make me bad, and how can I fight myself. Thank you for saying that it is not fair, this helps.

PL,

You are lying to her because she probably does not know what you are thinking and feeling. She does not know that you are really not in this marriage any longer and are just there for the kids. She probably doesn't know that you feel you wish she would have an EA so that you would have an EXCUSE to get out of this marriage, instead of telling her you want out now.

In short, she does not know where you are. Your feelings are normal, your resentment for your OWN decisions will eat you up. There is a famous saying that goes That is what you are doing when you almost wish she had another EA. Waiting for the other person to die.

You could ask her, if you were actually honest with her and yourself, what she has learned from this affair. You might ask yourself the same thing?

You admit you are lying to her and I would argue the reasons are pretty much the same: to protect yourself, to hold on to things until something better comes along, to avoid making hard decisions. Those are YOUR reasons. want to make a bet that they are her's as well? Actually, there is one other reason she probably did it and you may be doing it as well. "She did not want to hurt you." AND "You don't want to hurt her."

Your feelings are normal, your actions are going to make your own life miserable. You need to become honest with yourself and then with her. I strongly suggest a good promarriage counselor. You two may have addressed her affair, but clearly you two have not addressed the damage done to you by her affair.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Don't clean the kitchen when she doesn't do it.

Don't take the kids to the doctor for her (unless it's life threatening, I hope I don't need to say that!).

I never said you did ANYTHING to cause her to have an A. That is ALL ON HER. Not one thing did you do that caused her to have an A. NOT ONE.

I am talking about recovery...have you told her that it is a huge LBer and you have fallen out of love with her because she refuses to meet any of your needs?

THIS is the part that is on you...she cannot read your mind. You need to tell her that her behavior is repulsive to you and you will not be in love with her as long as she continues to act like a big baby.

This:


Then:

No spouse is perfect but those two statements contradict one another. Even if you were the perfect H, your W still could have cheated.


Why are you punishing yourself?

What is your definition of forgiveness?



Your feelings are normal. You need to stop carrying your W's burden. The A is all on her.

Two questions, what acronym is BS used for?
And what do you suggest? Should I confront her with my confussion? As a man, I want to figure this out and confront her with my clear thoughts as opposed to just sharing information hoping to be heard (again this goes back to one of the books, where man work on solutions VS women just needing someone to vent). You are right, why am I doing to myself? I don't know either, it's just out of my control, the feelings and memories come like a jolt and I don't know how to control it. In my mind, the only way out is to end it all. Just tell her that I've been hurt beyond what I could handle and that we should consider the D word. But then the pain that I'll cause on my kids stops me and I tell myself that this the life I have to live and I should try my best to live it, even if it feels like a lie. Do I need to be a Man, like I've been writing about and confront her with my feelings? at the risk of crushing my kids lives?

PL,

just one thing before I head for a meeting. YOu cannot prevent someone from having an affair. That is what they are supposed to do. WHile meeting needs reduces the chances of someone looking outside of a marriage, eventually it comes down to their decision to have the affair. That is why I have asked you what your wife has learned from having this affair.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

BS = Betrayed Spouse

I don't understand all of this "be a man" talk...IMO it doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, you are doing no one any favors by lying about how you are feeling.

Yes, you need to sit her down and say this "honey...I am not sure where to begin. I am not ok. This is not the M I want. We have never healed from your EA and I cannot go on like this any longer. I am thinking more and more about D and this scares me. I want to fix this but cannot do it alone. I want to be in love with you and I want to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are in love with me. Here is what I would like to see happen....".

Then you show her the MB stuff...ENQ, LBQ...maybe even do the online MB course.

Can you do this?

BS = betrayed spouse

Thank you for your reply, it was very clear and to the point. We are scheduled to attend some couples counseling that's way overdue. I guess I am afraid that she is feeling the same way and I do not want this marriage to end yet do nothing about it.