It is first time that I ever publish anything on the internet. I found this site is great, really thankful for having such a forum at this difficult time of my life.

So in brief, I have found out that my husband after recent trip just before Xmas to Asia, has met a massage girl while he is there. After he came back, he has started this emotional affair with this girl over emails and phone calls. I discovered it first while he was making the calls in the garage, then went into his email and found out everything, he has been promising to share house, car, money, etc, asking her to marry him, how sweet his love is, sang songs, etc. Anyway, all this in a short month of time!! I was totally shocked and broke down.

We have known each other for 12 years, and married for 7, have a 2 year old son. I can not believe any man will do such a thing to his wife. After I confronted to him, he said his mind is going crazy, has to go to see her in reality to sort it out so he can stop it completely. I believed him and allowed him to go ASAP last weekend (what a stupid thing to do after I found out this website and read all the articles). Then he came back from aboard last night said he could not do it, he has feeling for her, can not stop etc...

I told him what I have read here and ask him to stop the contact completely, otherwise it will only gets worse. Then he said he wanted to be back to me, he maybe able to stop the contact in a few weeks. He has already moved out last week before the confrontation, he is not thinking of moving back, I can not imagine to have him back either if he does not stop. So I can not really go ahead with the plan A, I wonder what should I do now?

So far I have managed to tell him I want him back all the time, so have not totally shut him out yet. The realy sad thing in the whole episode is that he only cares about her feelings, never a second thought how much he is hurting me and our son, he is not very apologetic either, always saying the marriage was empty in the last 3 years (again, typical thing a cheating H say in an A). Sometimes I wonder if it is worth me saving this marriage? Although for my son I will do whatever it takes.

EXPOSE THE AFFAIR ASAP.

Kristy, so sorry you have to be here, but this is a great place to help you recover your marriage.

To expound on what Zelmo said: It's IMPERATIVE that you expose your husband's affair to EVERYONE who has any influence with him.

Right now, you are the LAST person he is going to heed.

Expose the affair to relatives, work associates, bosses, ministers, friends -- anybody and everybody who might shake him up.

Yes, this feels like the wrong thing to do. Trust us, it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. Exposure is the #1 weapon against an affair.

Make a list and expose ALL AT ONCE.

And make sure you read and learn about Marriage Builder concepts and principles. To the right is a box, "Most Popular Links." Read about the Basic Concepts. Read about surviving infidelity, read how Dr. Harley learned to save marriages. Get as much information that you can.

You have now just enlisted a vast army to help you battle this affair and recover your marriage. You are now in a traumatic emotional state and are likely not thinking clearly. This is expected and understandable.

Therefore, let the "pros" here help you and guide you. This affair CAN and WILL be stopped. We'll help you and show you how.

Thanks for all the quick responses. This is really such a nice forum. I have read the exposure part and have done it, I have told his parents (while My H is not answering their calls even), a nice couple who are his friend and now mine, a friend of mine but my H does not know yet. I have told my H that I told his parents and the couple, have not told anybody else yet. He is trying to avoid talking to the people he knows know the A. One thing I forgot to mention is that We work in the same place, everybody knows him know me, the circle is small. He is actually moving to a new job (perhaps in November) about 2 hours drive away, he got the offer. I have the option to move with him, yet then I will be financially less secure, I have a tenured job at the moment. And I will not have friends there. So I am not planning to move with him yet, hopefully by then one way or the other I have sorted it out.

Come back to the point, if I expose him too much in the work place, he will loose the face in this small circle. Also I do not think the people at workplace will care too much for this sort of thing, will they have any influnce on him? won't he feel like he would just give up our marriage since everybody knows the A anyway? Perhaps I should just tell more friends?

Kristy, have you read about Plan A & Plan B? You need to start preparing Plan A RIGHT AWAY.

Plan A has two components: the carrot and the stick. Read these now!

Exposure should be "nuclear:" it should be done all at once to everyone. There should be no way your husband can get to an exposure target before you in order to "spin the story."

Do you work in the same office? Or just for the same company? You will need to expose to his boss. This may result in a revocation of the offer, but such are the consequences of going wayward, aren't they? Waywards must be made to face the consequences of their actions.

The hardest part for you now is to don your "wonderful, loving wife" persona and making your husband aware that YOU are the person he fell in love with, YOU are the person he vowed to "love, honor and protect," and that YOU are the mother of his child. This requires you to be 100% "Giver" and 0% "Taker."

Since this takes a heavy toll, here are two pieces of advice:

1) Put a time limit on how long you can "survive" in Plan A.
2) Start putting together Plan B.

Oh, and a third piece of advice:

Come here to vent, scream, cry and question rather than "love bust" your husband during Plan A. This is what we're here for.

Go get 'em Kristy!

Dear Fred,
My H is already not in the home now, he moved out last week and said he will not come back before he stop the contact since it is not fair for me. So how do I do plan A?

Thanks.

Best regards,

Kristy

Oh, you want him to save face while your M suffers? Hmm, that's logical, don't tell your parents either, gosh he might be embarrassed in front of them, don't want that.

Where's cat and Mel to give some tough love here?

Why do you think Friends will have a greater impact with eneding the A than the work place ?

I know exposure sounds hard and harsh but the reason exposure becomes poweful is becuase it brings the fantasy of the A into the reality of day.
The fact that he is avoiding contact with those who know means that he is unable to defend the reality of his A.

About exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Well, you could just do nothing at let WH explore his feelings with the OW. That won't help your marriage at all. I found that family and coworkers were much more influence than friends in my case. I think it's a lot easier for wayward to twist it with friends. I think you should expose to everyone; family, friends, coworkers, anyone you can think of that may have influence. I know it's hard, scary, embarrassing, but it brought me a feeling of strength. If you don't do anything and he leaves you for good for her, will you wish you'd have done all you could?

To Plan A while he is living somewhere else, you do the same as if he were living at home.

What are his top ENs?
If one is attractive spouse, make sure you look your best - this would be very easy because you work together.

If Domestic Support is high on his list, make sure the house is spotless, have fresh flowers out, candles burning, nice music playing. Make it inviting just in case he drops by. He does come by to visit your child, yes?

SF is a little more difficult but you can tell him little jokes, make remarks with innuendo, etc. Wear clothes that show off your bust and butt without being cheap and tacky.

Recreational Activity - plan some stuff to do that he would find very interesting and a lot of fun. Invite him. If he says no, go anyway, have fun, then say "Oh, it's such a shame you couldn't make it, you'd have loved it when....." Make him feel like you are tons of fun and he is missing out.

Admiration is easy, especially since you work together.

So, what are his top three ENs?

Thanks for all the replies. About plan A, yes, I will do all the suggestions, looks attractive (I am actually 17 years younger than H, not fair, isn't it?), behave friendly, not angry (this is the difficult part), tell little jokes, here is a joke for everyone(a person passes by a mental hospital, hearing someone on the other side of wall saying 13, 13, 13,.... he peeped through a hole on the wall and a finger poked at his eye, saying 14, 14, 14,.....)

About exposure, I am curious to know what effect it causes to expose at workplace, yes, I can tell the boss, higher boss, etc, all the people will start gossip around, so what? Will they discuss the A with my H? probably not, they wil feel embarrased to talk about it. Is it more like a psychological effect towards my H?

Also for us there is more potential damage to career since we are academic and reputation is important. Even when he goes to another university, people still know each other, etc. And I do need him to provide income for my son if we have to divorce. So there are consequences associated with it, that is why I am reluctant to do it. friends say do not shot yourself in the foot.
Having said that, if he divorces me, marry this massage girl, people will know then anyway, so perhaps an exposure is not a bad thing.

Kristy, exposure is to an affair like daylight is to a vampire.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, the excitement of the forbidden, the thrill of doing something "different."

They are not real. People in affairs do not have to deal with dirty diapers, the heating bill, sweeping the floor, and the rest of reality that comes with a marriage. It's a fantasy!

As long as your husband can conduct his affair in secrecy, he is being ENABLED. Exposing this affair makes it no longer a secret.

In some ways, it makes little difference whether people criticize him for it or clap him on the back. They now KNOW.

He is a cheat.

He is a liar.

He is unfaithful.

He is undependable.

He is untrustworthy.

These are all the things people will start knowing about him.

Those are the consequences of his behavior.



May I ask you a question? I get the feeling you or he (or both of you) are from an Asian background. Am I correct? Are there cultural issues that block you from working the MB principles to their fullest?

This is an extremely emotional time. There is another poster here in academia: LadyLongLegs. You should read her story. Academia is pitifully poor on ethics in "their own house."

Your husband NEEDS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES. You cannot live in fear that your son will not be taken care of. If your husband continues in his affair HE WILL LEAVE YOU AND YOUR SON WILL BE WITHOUT HIS FATHER. How can money make up for that?

You CAN do this. You MUST do this.

Kristy,

Let me offer you some advice that has not been mentioned to date:

1. Make sure your H has been tested for STD's before you renew relations with him

2. Make sure you have been tested for STD's if you have had relations with him since his contact with the massage girl.

3. Realize that a massage girl is not going to fit well in his/your academic environment, so unless he is going to leave his profession, this will not work. It will not work even if she is fluent in english, fluent in the ways of our country, and even if she has a clue on how to take care of children.

My point, he has gone over the edge into a fantasy that will not work for him or for her, although he surely offers a better life than the one she has now as a massage girl. Consider him taking up with a massage girl from the US, it would be difficult for him, now add someone from a different culture.

The odds of an affair leading to a marriage are small. The odds of the marriage working are even smaller. Add to this the stress of the cultural mismatch and education, and I would say the odds are very small.

So why am I telling you this? One, if you work the plans here you have a good chance of recovering your marriage...IF YOU WANT IT BACK. And that leads to my second point. Please read up on plan A and plan B. Harley recommends that women stay in plan A for a shorter time than men. I am not sure why. I do know that if you stay in plan A until your love for your H is gone, then recovery is next to impossible.

So read up on the articles, get his book and read it Surviving an Affair, and prepare for plan B. I'm thinking this fantasy will come to an end.

God Bless,

JL

You miss the point of ENs.

What if attractive spouse is not one of his top ENs?
"Behave Friendly" - what EN does that meet?

The point of ENs is to figure out what his top three are, and put all your energies into meeting them. If Attractive Spouse is not one of his top ENs, but conversation is, you could look like a million bucks, stop traffic on the street, and OW could still win him over by having interesting conversations with him and listening well.

Or maybe he doesn't care about conversation, maybe admiration really lights him up and she admires him, makes him feel good about himself.

The thing is, you have to figure out what is important TO HIM and do those things. The rest is just wasted energy. Please read about
The Love Bank
and
The Most Important Emotional Needs

I have tears when I read Fred's reply. Yes, you said exactly what I want to shout to the world!! Just I have not said it yet. I am Chinese, he is white, yes. you are right. I can not imagine he will actually marry this girl anyway, but somehow, he is totally mad in love, head to toe, say the same words in his emails he said to me a decade ago, sang the same songs, etc. It just broke my heart when I discovered the emails. No matter how mad it looks, at the moment, he will not stop the contact and come back to me, although I said as long as you stop the contact, I will work with you to go through it. Still he does not have the determination to do it. last night he said that the love is real, it probably will take him 20 years to forget it, etc. [censored], he forgot our love in a few years, and I am sure I should have better connected with him than a massage girl. I have been to GU unit to have those tests done already, thanks for the concerns.

Kristy, please pay attention to my next words.

You need to recover yourself.

Before you can recover your marriage, you must be without fear, worry, dependence or subservience.

You must be strong. Worthy. Admirable.

You are these things. You just may have forgotten.

In forgetting you have become less than a massage girl to your husband.

You are NOT less than a massage girl. Your husband needs to see that.

What are his key emotional needs? My guess is his top emotional need is Admiration. He needs to feel like a king. His massage girl is subservient, docile and meek. She makes him feel powerful and mighty.

What other emotional needs does he have? You say you are 17 years younger. Does he need Domestic Support? Conversation? Have you checked the Most Important Emotional Needs list? Find out what his are, and be better at them than she is.

Meanwhile, snoop, snoop and expose. KILL THE AFFAIR.

NOW.

I don't know if you are from the same region as the OW, but is there any way to get in touch with this woman's family? A lot of times family pressure on the AP is what kills the affair. Shoot, for all you know, she might not know he's married.

Can I just kick him out? This is what I really want at the moment!! Really if without my son, I would have done exactly what you said, kick him hard, expose him, hit him on the face, show how urgly he is to everyone in the world!!

I am thinking to take a hard line from now on, I have started to contact a lawyer and would get the seperation agreement drawn. I do not think being nice to him is what he needs at the moment, he really needs a hit on the head. I can not pretent to admire him, he got nothing for me to admire on, I can do whatever he can do, and even better. Today when I told him I am going to see a lawyer, he started being nice, so maybe this is what I should do. He is also sort of sensitive (gentle in his own words), in a way he is repeating himself the fatansy world he is in in his emails to himself, with a kind of echo from this girl. Do you see what I mean?