Hello - I am new here. My husband has recently gotten closer with a female co-worker. They've worked together for about 5 years now, but this is the first year that they've connected more as friends. There are 3 of them that work closely at work and at first, they talked a lot about a co-worker they do not get along with, and I know this. But I noticed a shift last fall and when I said something about a month ago, he told me I was crazy, he wasn't "that smart" to be anything other than friends and that he loved me. He assured me that he had just been enjoying having a friend at work to talk about things with, etc. And with every fiber of my being, I do believe him and know he is a man of character.

But - it was getting to me. I have to admit, I've read some of their e-mails back and forth and I do think a line is being crossed. My point in bringing things up was to say that I had felt like he was not being as open about things, but I think it caused him to close down even more. Saying things to her like "I heard Jane coming and deleted your e-mail without reading, even though it was innocent - my evening was much easier since she didn't see a note from you." That is glaring to me, but I can't tell him that becuase I violated his trust by even reading it and I know that and hate myself for it.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to keep bringing it up to him because I know he will talk to her about it. But I'm concerned....what should I do? I think I have every right to be concerned and I'm not sure where to go from here.

Hi jad, you're on the "Surviving an Affair" forum. Do you think your husband is having an EA (emotional affair)?

Have you read the articles on this site? Do you know about the "Love Bank," "Love Busters" and Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?

If you do not, I suggest you click on the links to the right in the box labeled "Most Popular Links" and get started.

If you suspect an affair, the best thing you can do right now is SNOOP. Find out. Do not let him know you suspect, but check his email, his cell phone, his credit card statements, his Facebook page -- whatever you think might give you information.

While you're snooping, try to figure out what his most important emotional needs are. If he's in an EA, the Other Woman (OW) is providing those -- perhaps better than you are. You need to correct that.

So the first thing you should do is get smart and get informed.

We can help you with both. What do you want to do?

Oh jad, I am so sorry you are here, but in saying that this is also the best place for you to be at this time.

There are some MAJOR that are SCREAMING at me. You need to do what Fred suggests and snoop.

Do not worry about breaking his trust, Dr Harley(the author of Surviving an Affair) has suggested that married men and women are in danger of committing adultery if there have loose boundaries and are friends with the opposite sex.

Have you read all of the Basic concepts on here? It will be easier for us to help you if you understand where we are coming from.

We will help you through this, listen to the vets, they know of what they speak.

So snoop.

We also need to know some things about your relationship as well.

How old are you and your H?
How long have you been married?
Do you have any children together?
Is this your first marriage?

My spouse had plenty of opposite gender work friends for years before he crossed the line with one.

I thought that was a work friendship, then an emotional affair for years due to respecting his privacy by trusting him and just about a year ago found out it was a physical affair the entire darn tootin' time.

I was floored and have been fighting for the marriage and family since.

I plan Ad and am now plan Bing and if you read up on all the marriage builder concepts and so on you will have a plan to do.

Whether indeed it IS an emotional affair or more.....you must

1. try to figure out which
2. have a plan to deal with it
3. patiently learn to tap on your inner strength and to put your Giver (ego) aside to do the hard work.


Welcome and sorry you are here.

jad - My husband did the same thing in the workplace for many years. Because I did trust him, I didn't catch on until it was far too late. He destroyed a 27-year marriage with this behaviour, because he preferred to move out and file for divorce rather than knock off his "innocent friendships" that meant "nothing".

The divorce was final a year ago. Please do something NOW before it's too late for you, too.

Sorry you are in this situation, you will get a ton of great information here. This sounds like how my WH was with a female from church. I brought it up and got the same as you, H was more closed off. That was two years ago, I let things slide, "trusted" him and thought it would end on it's own. I'm here today because I found out that the EA was ongoing.

Snoop as much as you can and read the articles on this site. The book Surviving an Affair is a great resource as well.

g

This is exactly how affairs begin. Your H is likely already having an emotional affair and is gettting ready to take it farther. He is playing chicken with your marriage and is getting ready to get hit. People who say it "can't happen to them" are always the very people who have affairs because they have boundaries. Your H has no boundaries.

Just the fact that this makes you uneasy [RIGHTFULLY SO] should be enough for him to stop. If he cares about your feelings at all, he will end contact today.

Ask him to end all contact with woman and to transfer out of her department. He is obviously attracted to her and this is going to only get worse. Sorry you are here.

Dr. Willard Harley:

"Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer."

Dr. Harley on how affairs start:

"When one intimate emotional need is met outside of marriage, the others are not far behind."

Now this is silly. You most certainly did not "violate his trust" by reading his email. NO ONE has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. Your spouse does not have a right to secrecy. You have a right - and a RESPONSIBILITY - to know each and every word he utters because this is about YOUR LIFE TOO.

It is a "violation of trust" to sneak around behind your wife's back. It is NOT a violation of trust to catch him.

jad, look around on Amazon and see if you can find a book called *Not Just Friends*. I believe the author is Peggy Glass. You need this desperately and so does your husband.

Author was the late Shirley Glass.

Shirley's Website

The book is available on Amazon.

Not Just Friends

Her website has some "Quizzes" that can point to relationship vulnerabilities and can indicate when a "friendship" has crossed the line and become an affair.

Mark

Thank you Mark - that's what I get for postin' while workin'!

jad, please run-don't-walk to those links Mark provided.

Jad,

If nothing else, look at the quizzes on the Shirley Glass site. Compare the social vulnerabilities, individual vulnerabilities and relationship vulnerabilities with the Basic Concepts of DR Harley.

If he has not yet crossed the line to an emotional affair, he could be in danger of doing so.

By beginning to apply Dr Harley's concepts to your marriage you might be able to head off what does not have to be inevitable. I can tell you that once begun, even if one sided, an emotional affair rapidly becomes an addiction. One of Shirley's tenants was that when we are friends we don't feel a need to place the word "just" before it. "Just friends" is a catch phrase that nearly always means that we are trying to justify our relationship rather than examining it rationally.

Affairs typically happen when a person begins to meet one or more of our Emotional Needs. For men this can be as simple as showing admiration for a job well done, doing recreational things together or simply looking attractive when around each other. It isn't a conscious decision to cheat at this point, merely something that makes a person feel good and "happy."

What takes place is that these things sort of accumulate over time and since the man (or woman) begins to enjoy the time spent with this other person so much, eventually simply being near that person begins to trigger the same responses as if they actually do things that make us feel happy. At this point we begin to crave the feeling and desire more contact with the person and the feelings begin to feed upon themselves.

If there is an attraction and if it happens to be mutual, an affair is generally in the offing. Sometimes neither person acts on the feelings and nothing physical comes of it or even a very strong emotional attachment. However if either of them express the attraction a whole bunch of things begin to happen in the brain that can be very hard to overcome.

But even those who do not have a strong physical attraction can find themselves in an emotional affair (EA). The problems it can cause for a marriage can be just as disastrous as any physical affair and often might even be worse in some cases since the affair partners feel as if they have done nothing wrong. The trouble comes from the inevitable comparison of the affair partner to the spouse. Even if it remains only fantasy in the mind of one person it can cause serious implications for the marriage since it is very hard to compete with a fantasy.

Fortunately, if nothing has been expressed or better still actually acknowledge by your husband (and I don't mean to you but to himself) it is actually pretty easy to overcome at that point.

The solution is to begin to address each other's emotional needs, identify Love Busters as you interact with each other and make changes that will lead to improved compatibility and a stronger connection between you.

Actually, even if it has progressed to that point, it is the same solution though getting affair partners to separate is often one of the most difficult tasks in life.

The bottom line is that affairs happen when we don't take specific steps to prevent them from happening. The notion that we can be "just friends" with people to whom we are attracted and that by being strong enough to resist we can stop before we fall in love with them. The road to an affair isn't a destination but the road itself. It is that road that we must avoid to prevent having an affair.

Do you think your husband would be agreeable to reading a book with you and working on creating a better marriage? If so, I would suggest that you get Fall In Love Stay In Love which can be purchased on this website or from many other sources. By reading the book and applying what it will teach you you can both have a marriage that is not only satisfying but that becomes stronger with time and almost immune to an affair.

But unless the relationship with this friend is somehow short circuited, it very well could turn into your worst nightmare. At that point fixing things gets more complicated but it can still be done as testified to by many of us here who learned of an affair that nearly destroyed our marriage but today have stronger relationship in spite of it.

Be sure to read the basic concepts if you haven't already done so. Also read the Q&A columns, especially the ones related to how affairs begin under the heading of infidelity.

Check out Shirley Glass' quizzes as well and ask questions as you think of them. It will not solve the problem to wring your hands in grief and it will be what you do that can save your marriage from heading further down that road. Just like fixing a small leak in the roof of your house before it allows the water to cause rot and decay, the time to make repairs to the marriage is as soon as you know of a problem. Allowing things to go on unchanged will eventually result ion disaster.

One thing to try is to tell him that this relationship with this "friend" makes you uncomfortable and that it hurts you. Ask him to spend more time with you, doing fun things that you can both enjoy together. Build upon any small success you may have and start trying to identify his top emotional needs.

Dr Harley says that couples should spend at least 15 hours per week together meeting meeting the 4 Intimate Emotional Needs of Recreational Companionship (usually a big one for the man), Affection and Conversation (usually a woman's top ENs) and Sexual Fulfillment (also normally near the top of a man's list of needs.) By spending time together, without kids or family or friends around all the time, you begin to make deposits into your accounts in each other's Love Bank and once a threshold is reached, you begin to want to spend even more time together meeting these ENs for each other. This is how feelings of romantic love can be built between you.

Above all else, don't give up hope.

Mark

Jad, Jad, Jad, LISTEN UP:
Your husband has BOTH feet out on a VERY slippery slope. Your instincts are absolutely correct.
Right now, you don't want to trust your instincts because you want, with every fiber of your being, to believe that "he is a man of character." But PLEASE trust your instincts!

I know what I'm talking about: For over 16 years of marriage, I was a man of outstanding character -- until suddenly I WASN'T. I had allowed myself to get into an emotional affair with an acquaintance -- actually a woman who sang with me on a church music team, if you can believe that. We were both married. I had never had any interest in her or any other woman besides my wonderful wife. One autumn, we started working on some songs together, and at first, we just e-mailed each other about music. But because the correspondence was unknown to our respective spouses, it allowed an intimacy to develop; and to make a long story short, I was hooked on her attentions by the time I acknowledged what was going on. And, BAM, there I was -- former upstanding man of character, sunk to being a willing participant in a full-fledged affair. And it didn't take years or months, it took only WEEKS.

Look: Guys who don't have stuff to hide, don't hide stuff. They don't delete e-mails when their wives come around. They don't even countenance receiving exclusive e-mails from women who aren't their spouses about anything that isn't 100% work-related. If they DO countenance this, then their boundaries are ALREADY GONE. I repeat: their boundaries are ALREADY GONE.

I'll leave you to MelodyLane & Mark'52 and other veterans who have seen a lot more of this stuff than I have - they know what they're talking about, trust their advice. As for me, my wife & I have lived some of the worst of it, because of the rotten choices I made, and only by God's grace has our marriage been saved & made better. I pray you can get through to your husband before he falls all the way to the bottom of that slope he's ventured out on. DON'T soft-pedal this one. Your instincts are correct: your marriage is in peril, your husband is possibly (I say, probably) too much in a wayward fog already to acknowledge what he's up to, and you must act resolutely to save your marriage.

GO,

Don't sell your advice short. You know more about this stuff than a lot of people who have been here for years.

AND you can speak from experience as well.

Mark

[/tj]

I say snoop, snoop, and snoop some more. Don't trust him. I found out a few years ago that my H had been cooresponding with old friends from school...women. I told him that it hurt me and I asked him to stop. He assured me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and that he would not coorespond with them any longer. I trusted him, HA!

Fast forward two years..My husband unexpectedly left and filed for D. I'm devastated. Here is an excerpt of the email I just received from OW which may illustrate to you why snooping is good. Had I snooped, I may still have my marriage...

"I know it's easy to blame me for all of this but, I never lured WH away from you. I have known WH since 5th grade. He and I were always close friends through school and we began corresponding years ago, long before Iraq, long before the wedding (the wedding that, by the way, I did not attend), and strictly as old friends. We were hiding nothing. I'm not sure if WH told you back then about talking to me but my ex-husband can confirm that I was very open about talking to WH again."

"WH filed for divorce from you, he and I have reconnected, and are seeing where this relationship takes us."

Please snoop...I wish I had!

First, to answer some questions about us:
Yes, I am suspecting an emotional affair.
How old are you and your H? I am 35, he is 36
How long have you been married? We have been married 12.5 years, but have been together since high school, so about 20 years total
Do you have any children together? We have 3 children (ages 4 and twins age 2). I would like to note that we lost our first pregnancy at 5 months - a son and daughter and worked through that together.
Is this your first marriage? Yes, this is our first marriage for both

And thanks everyone for the replies. I'm not sure I'm glad I came here or not. Seriously, though - I am just sick to my stomach over all of this and reading some of your replies I am more worried than ever.

This quote from Mark1952 struck me "One thing to try is to tell him that this relationship with this "friend" makes you uncomfortable and that it hurts you. Ask him to spend more time with you, doing fun things that you can both enjoy together. Build upon any small success you may have and start trying to identify his top emotional needs." and concerned me because I have mentioned this and that is the conversation where he told me "no, are you crazy? we're just friends. If anything, it's just nice to have someone at work to talk to. I'm not that smart...blah blah"

I'm just not sure how to take things from here. I'm worried that if I don't say more, things will continue to spiral out of control. But I'm worried if I so say something, it will push him to her even more. I just hate what I've read - knowing he has shared my insecurities with her.

I'm scared that I'm already too late. And yet I don't feel like I am - I'm just not sure which way to go. What I do know is that he has broken my trust - I don't feel as safe as I used to. And I'm not sure how to get it back. I am constantly thinking about this, feel sick to my stomach and even in our good moments - where we are connecting by talking, just being, intimitely - it's there. It's like I want him to slip up big time so I can call him on it and say "see, I was right." But I don't want to be right. I don't want to be right...

I'm just scared and sad. Thanks for letting me vent. I will look at resources here and quizzes that were suggested and figure out my next steps. I think what breaks my heart even more is I feel like we had been making some steps to reconnect in our marriage - but it's too little too late. The damage that he can't even see - or chooses not to see - is already done.

I'm not used to being in thsi place with him. As you can see from above, we've been together a long time. I know him well and I think he forgets that as well as he knows me, I know him just as well and can sense that things have been off. And he's not giving me enough credit with that. He's always worked with women and I've never felt this way. Ever.

Thank you for letting me vent. I appreciate all the advice.

jad

JAD, you have the nutshell of GloveOil's and my story, so I won't go into that, but I want you to know I was you. GO and I met in high school and dated for 6 1/2 years and were married for almost 17 years before this happened.

I know what you mean when you say you feel like things are off in your relationship. There were subtle things that I didn't like in our relationship (primarily lack of significant one on one time) but because I knew him so well and we had such a history, I figured we had time to get back to where things should have been. I was unsettled during the time GO was having his A (although I didn't identify it at the time) and even made a weak attempt at snooping, but I hit a password on his email and just gave up. Don't do the same. Snoop like a PI. Get a keylogger for your husband's computer so you can see what he is saying in the emails you haven't read, get a voice activated recorder to hide in his car, and check his cellphone logs. After the A was revealed, I searched GO's cellphone records online. There was blatant evidence of the A right there: September no calls to her number, October a handful, November and December multiple long calls to and from her number. I wished I had snooped!

Other folks on here can give you detailed information about how to go about collecting evidence. Don't tell your husband you are doing it, but do it. This isn't about trust; it's about saving your marriage.

jad, your gut is trying to tell you something. Listen to it! There is a chance that you have caught this while it's still in the early stages. Don't wait for it to progress.

SNOOP. This is your best tool. Collect as much intel as you can without your H knowing it.

There is a link for spying tools on here. Check it out.

You can install a keylogger on your H's computer that will track his every keystroke. You can get a program that will email reports to you about your H's computer activities. It is worth every penny. It takes just a few minutes to install.

In the very unlikely chance that your gut is wrong, badgering your H about the woman isn't going to help you. It WILL drive him underground if there is an EA going on. So be careful about talking too much about it. Instead, put your energy into snooping.

The only thing I'd like to add to the exceptional advice you've already received is... no matter what your snooping reveals, DO NOT confront your H with it UNTIL you have posted here and waited a day or two.

Many BS (betrayed spouses) find an email and immediately print it out and take it to their WS (wayward spouse) saying "I was right!" or "This must stop!" and in doing so they give up a huge source of information. The WS agrees that all communication will stop... and then they open a hotmail email account, get a secret pre-paid cellphone, etc. Basically they take the "friendship" (affair) underground so it's almost impossible for the BS to know what they are fighting against.

So yes, snoop.
But DO NOT reveal what you find.

I know that sick feeling very well. But you must be strong, and brave. Now is the time to fight for your marriage. Try hard not to talk about relationship stuff. That will make your H feel like you are nagging, needy, whiny -- not at all attractive. By comparison OW will seem like "all that and a bag of chips". Read about ENs (Emotional Needs) and meet your H's top three. Read about LBs (Love Busters) and eliminate ALL of them. You can't afford any LBs; no marriage can but especially not a M in trouble.

Welcome to MB. It is a lot to take in. For now:
Breathe.
Eat.
Exercise.
Sleep.

Snoop (but don't tell)
Read about Plan A


You are in a great position to save your marriage if you are ready to roll up your sleeves and do some serious work.