The funny thing is she knows, he told her how cold I am, etc. I do not want to involve with her, she obviously has an agenda. The problem is my H, his crazy head!

Kristy, if you want out of your marriage that's entirely up to you. No one here will blame you or fault you.

But this is Marriage Builders. We're here to help people RECOVER their marriages.

If you do not want this, we have little to offer you.

yes, it is easy said than done. When my son cries for Daddy, and says I love you before bed, I just have to do whatever it takes to get my H back. You are right, I will work on these issues and see what happenes.

Kristy, I'm so sad for you. Can you tell me what country we are talking about here? I have lived in Asia and may be able to help if I know where we are talking about.

THis girl is from Bangkok.

From now on, Kristy, please take this point of view:

Your husband has been taken over by an alien from outer space. His brain has been "frozen" and is not working any more.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is from an alien. Here at Marriage Builders (MB) we call it "fog babble" (or as a single word, "fogbabble"). Nothing he says is true. Nothing he believes is true. He is operating under the influence of brain chemicals that are like drugs.

He is an addict in active addiction. The AFFAIR is his "drug."

As long as the affair continues, he is addicted. Even when it ends (and it WILL END -- the data confirms this; it just might take some time) he will go through a period of withdrawal.

There is a person posting here (maritalbliss?) who has a saying in her signature block: Recovery is not for wimps. How true that is.

If you want to recover your marriage you must be strong. You ARE strong. You will have to work hard, and at times you will wonder if it's all worth it. Look at your son. Is he worth it?

Let us help you. We are the "invisible army" that has been recruited to help you. We will help you. But you must do the work. If you say you want this, and are willing to do the work, then LET'S GET STARTED.

Advice: Read everything you can on this site. The articles are all free, as is the advice we give you.

Advice: Get a copy of the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. You might find it in your library. It may be in your local bookstore. It's available here on the web site. You can also get an electronic version from Amazon.

Advice: Get whatever you need to snoop effectively: put a GPS on his car. Install a keylogger on his computer. Get a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and place it where he might be making telephone calls to OW. If he uses a Blackberry and you can get hold of it for ten minutes, install flexispy on it. If you have the money, hire a Private Investigator (PI) to follow him and find out what he's up to.

Advice: Get a PLAN. You cannot recover your marriage without a PLAN. What I have just mentioned above are the beginning steps to creating a PLAN. This is what we can help you do.

I know exactly how to collect evidence, she is in Bangkok, so there is no issue of seeing or meeting her at the moment, just emails, phone calls, which I can access if I want to (do not forget I am clever, I have found out his A in 10 days it happened). Now I do not really want to know any more, because there is no point to know more, I have to find a way to get him stop the contact. He does not want to stop at this stage, say he can not just do it like that. So I can not really help him to recover from the A. I do not know if I expose him at workplace, will he stop?

In general, the plan should be: Expose, plan A to work on ENs, then plan B?

Plan A is both exposure AND work on EN.

Read about The Carrot & The Stick of Plan A.

Plan A only works in about 15% of the time. Because it requires you to avoid any "love busters" while meeting his emotional needs, it can take quite an emotional toll on you (which is why we suggest you come here to scream, cry, shout, get angry, etc.). This is why you only do Plan A for a set period of time.

Before your Love Bank becomes completely emptied and you lose all love for your husband, you then go into Plan B.

Simply put, Plan B is separation (you're already separated, so that's not a problem) with COMPLETE NO CONTACT. Since you work together, this can be a problem. We can help with that, too.

It's too early to talk about Plan B now, so read about the carrot and stick and start working the BEST PLAN A in the world!

Thanks all for the help. I will be taking all the advices, working through the website and books. I guess I roughly know the all the concepts now, just need to focus on some issues. This is really a great website.

"Knowledge is power."

Read everything you can on this site. If you have time, read some of the others' stories. You can learn a lot from other peoples' experiences.

Kristy, have you gotten your exposure ducks lined in a row?

I am stil wondering about it. I have to confess I have not done it yet at workplace. I thought of thinking it is a good idea, but not quite sure the effect. Since we both work in the same place, and the girl is thousands miles away, it is me feel embarassed. I have discussed with my good friend this is what she said:

I just googled. There are so many articles suggesting exposure, and I am still not convinced. Am I too stubborn?
You thought his parents would help, see how they have been reacting. not much help. Your colleagues are going to be worse. Imagine, one of your colleague is at the same situation as you. She expose the affair to all of your coworkers. How are you going to feel and react? I don't think you are going to do anything for her expect showing her some sympathy, and maybe do a little gossip with others. You will not confront the husband, will not blame him, not even in your mind, because you know, they are they, not your business, You don't really care. The colleagues only care when something or somebody affect themselves in workplace. Maybe, his boss and some coworkers are interested if they can get something good from this, then, you not only destroy his reputation also hurt his employment. I don't understand, your friend and his parents already know it, and do little help, how will others help?

I understand the Vampire see Daylight effect. Still how will it affect his thinking? Psychologically? MAybe it is my culture. In China if the wife goes public about the affair and make husband loose face, this marriage then becomes very difficult to maintain. Also Do I still want him after he becomes such bad reputated man in the public eye? Worse than Clinton.

Kristy, you say you both work in the same place. What kind of place is it? Do you share an office, work in the same building, or work on the same campus? Do you sit or work near him, or do you have separate jobs in different areas?

I'd stick to the fmily and friends that may influence him. telling co-workers would do no good, IMO. I think your instincts are right.

I think the decision should be based on presumed impact.

If there is someone at work who has great influence over your husband, that person should be informed. It doesn't have to be a notice posted on the bulletin board.

This is why a list of exposure targets is suggested. Make your list and check off the people who have the greatest influence.

His bar buddies or work associates might not think any worse of him if they know. That makes them poor targets.

It sounds like the work he does enables/enabled him to travel to Bangkok. Does it require this often? If so, it might be wise to consider changing jobs.

But please don't dismiss an exposure target simply because you think it will embarrass you. If it comes down to it, which is more important: Saving face or saving your marriage?

Kristy, you say you both work in the same place. What kind of place is it? Do you share an office, work in the same building, or work on the same campus? Do you sit or work near him, or do you have separate jobs in different areas?

We work in the same university, same department. Different offices, if I can avoid, I do not have to see him at all.

At the moment, I do not think anyone can have big influence on him. I can stop him going to Bangkok if I want to because I have some evidence could get him fired, he is afraid of it I guess.

But in terms of influence, I do not think he will listen to anybody at the moment. All he does is to avoid contacting them. I have told his parents and one of his best friend used to be our CEO type of boss now retired, all my H does is to avoid contacting them or talking about the issue now. I have told his brother and an aunt and uncle, hopefully they can have a word with him. He will just feel embarrased I think, not influenced.
He does not even think what he does is wrong, so far he told me he has not have physical contact with this gril, who will believe that? He said it is all in his head, so not wrong. It is like talking to an alien, you are right.

You think shame or embarrassment is not an influencing factor in how we conduct ourselves? Why don't you walk naked down the center of main street? Why don't you go to the food court in the mall and stand on a table and yell curse words just for the fun of it? Shame and embarrassment are extremely powerful influencing forces over our behavior.

He DOES think what he is doing with this girl is wrong. If he did not think it was wrong he wouldn't hide it or care who knew. Do not listen to his words, watch his actions. Words lie and deceive. Actions, not so much.

From what our conversation, he does not want me to tell people she is a massage girl (did not even mention prostitution). He is quite happy if I tell people he is having an affair. I said I did not imply anything, she is doing massage. He think it implies other things. He does worry about the consequences if I tell people who she is. But he think she does not do sex, all that. Maybe I should hire a private detective to get some evidence. he probably won't even believe the evidence if I show him it. But this is not the point, I just feel he is in this Cucu land and will not wake up.