First posting.... Help me please!<BR>I have been married for 7 years and found out my h was getting emotionally involved with a female at his work. As I was digging for this, I discovered a sexual affair that had been going on for a long time and was really not over, but they were pulling away from each other.So my h who I had complete and total trust for betrayed me. People even tried to tell me and I defended him, even asked him and told him of my conversations and gave him every opportunity to tell me the truth. I finally discovered for myself and of course was devastated. I went through every thing imaginable from withdrawal to alcohol to telling him it was okay to sleep around as long as I was the one he loved, to finally putting my foot down and saying enough is enough. I told the two women of each other and of course they were furious.(long story).. So we have been working at our marriage for about 1 month now. My fear is ... the affairs are over because it all finally blew up in his face, not because he chose to be with me. He won't apologize. He says we wouldn't be where we were, (trying to work out our problems), if it hadn't happened, so how can he be sorry for it. Yes I have faults to. I had gotten very cold to him, because he refused to be a part of our family decision making. Everything dealing with the home and kids and finances was left up to me and I worked a full time job. So now I am not cold, we are very affectionate and seem to be happy, even after only a month. But I still have issue with the apology thing. I have apologized so much for pushing him away, but he refuses to see what his part in this was. I feel like he won't apologize because it admits fault and he won't admit fault. Which leads to me feeling his love is conditional and if for some reason he is ever unhappy with me, it will happen again. Also not admitting his part in it, he can't meet a need I have. So I am meeting his needs at this point, and he is more committed to me than he ever has been, but it's like, I feel like he thinks ... You won, you got me, they didn't and you should just be happy with that .... <BR>Footnote, he won't sever complete ties. One women he works with and one (the affair) still sends him emails. They've known each other for over 4 years and started as being friends. <BR>My point is, am I beng wrong to want a sincere apology for lying to me, for cheating on me, for making me look like a fool, for leaving every responsibility up to me, then turning to other women because I withdrew? or should I take his " we wouldn't be where we are if it hadn't happened" as his way of apologizing?<BR>We have 3 kids also, he didn't want a big family and I did. But he failed to reveal that to me until after we were married. <BR>Help me please!

Hi,<BR>What a Mess! I know you feel sooo bad! <BR>I think that he doesn't FEEL sorry, because he doesn't have that deep feeling for your marriage that should be there. BUT, he is with you and that shows and tells you ALOT. That is the start you need. You will have to do all the work at first even though you hate him as much as you love him. You both will build a new marriage by going through different stages together. It is alot of hard work, alot of bad feelings, alot of pain and resentment. It will take a while till you both start being happy with each other. The main thing, I think, is him getting deep feelings about you, the love and remorse will come, he is only thinking of himself right now. He will see how you are trying, he will see how he is helping you to get through what he has done to you. His actions, his show of wanting to work on this, will let you make your home a place he will never want to leave again, he should then be sorry, see what he has caused, he could have communicated with you and you with him, now you have to learn how to do that. Go to counselling together, such a help, such a commitment to your recovery. You both need to fead on each others need to make it work. Don't point a finger at what he has done all the time. That makes it worse. You both know it is there. It takes time, it won't happen over night. <BR>Almost Happy<P>---------<BR>TIME <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited October 22, 1999).]

Been there!<P>So now you bleed, vent sputter and cry here when you feel the need and win that man back!<P>I agree with A H once he's "back" he'll be sorry and ready to apologize...<P>your only one month into recovery, and you've found the right support group!!! Soo hang tight and gleen from all the great people here on this forum!!!<P>cozy

This is only a tiny response to your post, but "being made a fool of thing". I think it's at the core of being betrayed in any thing. In this case, if we're worried abou some elses perception of the situation, would it stand to reason that the betrayer would face the brunt of the critisism? I think they actually do. I don't think many folks look at these things and say "what a sucker, what a fool". Maybe it's something we say to ourselves at first. Maybe getting past thinking that we are fools is the beginning of getting stronger.<P>Eric32

Mater - Welcome. At least be happy you found this mb for support (and some good advice) to help you on your journey to rebuild your marriage. Be glad the affairs are over. Be glad your H is still at home with you. Its only been one month so it will take more time for your H to get beyond only saying "without his affair there would not have been the catalyst to try to rebuild your marriage". That was as far as my H was able to go at the beginning. I believe it was the first step toward a sincere apology, so try not to be too angry and disappointed that is all your h is saying now. With a bit more time and lots of counseling my h was able to express true remorse for the pain he caused and regret for what he did. I think your h will too.<BR> Simone

Thank you all so much! It feels better just to know others go through the same things. I haven't vented these frustrations on him, just hold them in and hope like you say time will help.<BR>Unfortunately he won't got to counseling. Says he doesn't need a counselor to tell him what he already knows. He is a preachers son, grew up knowing right from wrong and he knows what it takes to build a marriage. Just waiting for some return for me for once.<BR>Thanks again<BR>Mater

Mater - I was disappointed to read your H won't go to counseling. It is so important - it will be so much harder for you two to do it on your own. Perhaps he is afraid he will only have the affair thrown in his face if he goes to counseling. Maybe you can ask him to go for you, your kids, your marriage - just to learn how to make it better and promise him you won't focus on the affair in the counseling - that you only want to go so your marriage has the best chance of recovering and being the best it can be.<BR> Simone

Hi all, i m pretty new to the posts. I know what you are going thru, but in time, he will soften his heart again. It is so hard to hear that your spouse cant give up the other woman, when it seemed so easy to give up the sacred marriage that we once had. I am hangin in there. I hope i can post on here when i get down. YOu should do the same. Read the bible when you feel despair. That is truly helping me alot.