BaT, I am incredibly envious of you. You have chosen to recover your marriage! There are many of us who wish we could be in your shoes.

There is a way to do this, and it exists on this site, in the books Dr. Harley has written, and in the counseling and weekends the Harleys conduct.

YOU made the decision to stray outside the marriage. It's now up to YOU to do what you can to repair the damage.

I understand your wife's anger perfectly. In my case, I would still be wondering if my WW's actions were a deal-killer. I would put it entirely on her shoulders to show me that she was in earnest about recovering the marriage, and not just going along for the ride until something better came along.

You say you started MB before. Are you familiar with the concepts? About the Four Rules? Have you read What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband? As others have already stated, she will know by your ACTIONS how serious you are.

And you won't convince her over night.

By A Thread ....

WELCOME TO Marriage Builders !!!

Once again, I thank all of you for your responses, guidance and helpul "finger pointing".

I have read many things including: Change, empathize, have compassion, deal with it, fix it and Man-up. While all very good ideas, and constructive in nature and meaning, I am finding no tangible advise. My W's entire world has been turned upside down, and i am responsible for turning it around and showing her that I can be a good H again.

I originally posted looking for help and answers to fix what I broke....I have posted many of the things that I/we have done thus far, and what we are currently doing and working towards.

I would find it beneficial and helpful to recovering my M, and keeping my W if I were given more specific examples, and help...Simply telling someone that they need to change and pointing out the way that they are responsible for the damage is a bit generic and broad, as I am FULLY aware that there is no-one to blame for the state of my family and our lives than me...mister selfish.

So, before I give up on seeking advise, I will try and be more specific...

What other actions can I take?
What sort of things can I do?
How do I "fix" it?
What can I "show" her?

Thank you...I will check back periodically to see if I can gain some useful and practical applications to everyone's advise.

PB, i know there is no quick fix...but there must be things I have not thought of or done to this point. I am not dense, nor am I uneducated...It kills me to ask strangers for help, and if I thought there was another way, or we were not on the verge of a D, I wouldn't be here. I am not working right now, as I should be, because I cannot think of ANYTHING more important than my W and K's.

I know that a BS hates to hear a WS say that, as I can already hear the masses telling me that I should have put them first last Summer. Again, I cannot change or undue the past, only seek to change my future. It is good to know that others have made it through a PA, and I look forward to ANY practical advise.

BaT, you're lucky. My FWH did get a few bruises from me. Not one of my prouder moments, but you'd have to been in a BS's boots to really understand the pain and rage. And yes, I got physical around the 6 month mark.

One thing you can't beg, borrow or steal - time. And unfortunately that's what you're going to have to have. Time for your BW to heal, time for YOU to heal, time to put back together what you tore apart. It's going to take time.

Read here and keep posting. It might be helpful for your BW to come on board here, as well.

pb can you confirm this??

Ive been seeking this since day one on this site and have posted as such on the technical forum. Ive have already done exactly what you've said but have NEVER recieved a single email???

Sorry for hi-jacking, just shocked to read this.....

Yes.

Got to "my stuff" tab (next to forum list)
Then, go to "edit preferences".

look at the choices

Say "yes" to

"By default should anything added to your Watch List be emailed to you?"

What happened to the car you bought for the OW? That's probably a sore-point with your BW as well. Getting it back and selling it, then using the proceeds towards something for your BW or your family might help.

Is complete and total No Contact (NC) in place with OW and any and all associates of OW? No Contact means no information at all from or about OW. This means if she died tomorrow YOU would and could never know!

Have you written a No Contact letter to OW?

Has all financial support of OW ended (Like a possible Car Payment)?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Does your Betrayed Wife (BW) know every detail of your affair?

Have you implemented Extreme Precautions to protect yourself and your wife from your boundary problems with the opposite sex?

Have you scheduled a session with Steve Harley?

Here is your tangible advice.

Figure out her most important needs. You should have them if you started the MB program. Now, meet them, and meet them the way she describes would deposit the most love units.

Now concentrate on the love busters. What are the biggest love busters you commit. You said you have trouble with your temper. You are going to have to focus at this love buster for a while and do not allow things to escalate when she lets her anger out on you. While not productive on her part, it is certainly understandable after what you put her through.

Continue to prove to your BW with ACTIONS that you are going to man-up and do the work necessary to recover your actions. If you keep meeting her ENs and avoid LBs, after a certain period of time, you will get past this phase. Dr. Harley himself says most affairs take AT LEAST two years to recover from. You aren't even 6 months into the process. Have patience, and focus on the MB program. Hopefully, you do not let things escalate if your wife shows anger towards you. Eventually, you will get past this stage.

On a side note, your BW is saying those things to push your buttons and hurt you because she's hurt and part of her wants to hurt you back. Here is a trick. The next time she says those hateful words, just ignore them. She's looking to get a rise out of you. If she says them and no longer gets a rise out of you, she'll have no reason to say them anymore.

BAT, you're asking for practical advice.

First, learn to be patient. Your wife has experienced a huge trauma that will take years for her to recover from. Do you understand that? You've done what you can to remove yourself from the scene of the crime. Now you wait for her massive injuries to heal.

What have you done to educate yourself on the emotions of a betrayed spouse? What have you learned about PTSD? Do you know why you didn't NOT have an affair (ie, what were the aspects of your character that did not choose to hold true to your marital vow, whatever the temptation?).

These are very early days. Her emotions will be volatile for months and years to come. You're lucky she hasn't lashed out physically; the intensity of emotion in this situation is indescribable. Do you understand that?

You can't get through this without going into those icky emotional places. Do you understand that, too?

TA

No, you made a huge, totally unforgivable error in judgment

See the difference?

Hmm!

Sounds like you need to loose a couple of unsupporting friends.

I would say, since you seem to still be able to spontaneously respirate, her anger is well within reason.

I'm gonna be honnest here BAT, I want you to save your M, but you come accross with an air of dismisivness about your affair, and general superiority about yourself. Your wife is probably also sensing this, can you humble yourself low enough to show genuine remorse?

When she's at her most angry and unhappy, try to get into a loving place. Hold her, tell her you're sorry, tell her you love her...tell her again and again. Do it the next time, and the next, and the next. There's no simple quick formula for fixing this, many more than there's an operation to repair a broken spine and have the person jogging the next day.

TA

Third, it's time to grow up.

An affair is not the action of a mature adult; it's the action of a child. An adult breaks his mother's precious ornament and knows that her anger is about the pain of losing something that had meaning; he wants to do all he can to comfort her and reduce the pain. A child breaks the object and experiences his mother's rage as punishment; he just wants her to stop being angry with him.

Read over what you've told us so far, and try to work out where you are on the adult/child scale.

TA

Hi BaT,

Welcome to MB

I came here a Broken Man in 2007 after an 8 month A that devistated my wife and my family. I was fortunate enought to have a wife that was willing to give recovery an attempt.

I didn't realize until much later that recovery would be just as excruciating for her as the A had been.

I'm so glad she gave me an opportunity to show her that I would fight for her and our family, with every ounce of strength I possessed, for as long as it would take.

Sounds like you may just have as amazing of a wife as I do.

Trust me when I say this..... Your wife's worth fighting for!