I'm mostly writing this to dispell my shock but I am curious as to the general MB consensus on what I should do, if anything. I received an email today from an old friend that I see once every few years or so. He mentioned that another mutual friend was getting a divorce. I replied stating that I was sad to hear about it but that she had told me 3 years ago that she was having marital problems. He wrote back and told me that she'd left with a restraining order and that her STBX was into drugs, alcohol and getting abusive. I thought "wow" since he didn't seem the type to me - then I continued reading.

He wrote that she "also" happen to leave so she could be with some other guy. He has met this other guy and he's "nice". However, he is also married but - are you ready for this MB - direct quote from the email coming: "he has been estranged from his wife and they haven't slept in the same room for several years." He continues to say that this new "relationship" has motivated him to leave his wife too.

I wanna be sick.

Ok, first off, this info about a friend through another friend. Neither are close friends. Both live far, far away and I virtually never see them. I could easily never see them again - either one of them. However, I so want to hit the reply button and give my one friend a blast - but that would be stupid as he is just the messenger. OTOH, he should know better than to be compliant with this. I can't even bring myself to contact the woman. Especially since the last time I saw her was shortly after my own d-day when we were discussing marital issues. I told her then that regardless of how bad her H was, if she wanted to leave to just leave. I was very specific - do not find someone else first.

In any event, should I respond to this in any way? Should I attempt to at least educate my one friend, the one who gave me the information? Should I let it go? Should I send an email to the WW with my opinion or should I just stop contacting her altogether? I haven't heard from her in any capacity in months. She's on my FB but she's hardly ever active. I could easily unfriend her. Should I attempt to contact her BH? That is probably easier said than done since I only knew him as her H, not really as a friend of my own (well, not as an enemy either but I think you know what I mean).

What would you do???

This part sounds so much like my WW. I also wouldn't be surprised if nothing she said about her H were true: the RO, the drugs, the alcohol, etc.

From what I've learned and experienced here, I couldn't possibly let this go. I certainly wouldn't shoot the messenger, but I'd be perfectly clear on what my feelings are.

Are you sure this woman isn't my WW?

Sounds pretty gossipy to me.
I'd do nothing, except pray for them.

I'd forward the email to the woman's BH. The story about drugs, alcohol, and abusive behavior may just be what she's saying about him. Too many WS claim that the BS is abusive, especially when the BS is upset about the WS' affair.

I would tell the friend who wrote you that any MM who would cheat on his wife with another man's wife is NOT a nice person, nd that you hope he is not considering starting an affair because his wife does NOT deserve it.

Then, I would unfriend the woman on FB.

My response would be something like:

"A cheater will lie and demonize her spouse so she can justify her adulterous behavior. God bless."

I initially wanted to cut and paste the whole email here and simply change the name. However, it occured to me that this very well could be any one of several MBer's (psycho) WWs. As it was most definitely gossipy to begin with, I thought it better to paraphrase.

And I totally agree - my first thought is that the whole RO and accusations probably happened because the BH found out and confronted her. Or exposed. Or something of that nature - not because of an actual abuse/alcohol/drug problem. But I really don't know - I haven't talked to either one of them, nor to anyone who lives with or around them to witness the daily events (even my friend that wrote lives in a different state).

I haven't written my friend back yet - I'm trying to cool off first so that at bare minimum, whatever I write doesn't sound like a rant. I do want to ask him how he doesn't find it odd that a man he met only once found it appropriate to divulge his sleeping arrangements with his wife. Honestly, who does that? (I know the answer, but try to imagine from the perspective of someone who has never been affected by adultery). I'm sorry but I have never met anyone and, within the introductions had a conversation that resembled the following:

Hi, I'm Tabby. I don't sleep with my H anymore as he moved out.
Hi, I'm OM. I still sleep in the same house as my wife but in separate bedrooms.
Hi, I'm Someone Else. I still sleep with my wife but we only have SF Tuesday, Thursday and every second Sunday.

Yep, happens all the time NOT!!!!!!

I should ask my friend if he told the OM about his sex life and sleeping arrangements. Come to think of it, I don't even think I know about his sleeping arrangements. I feel left out!!!!!

I was semi-serious. I read this and my reaction to reading it was visceral.

The situation with WW and OM so mirrors my current status that it wasn't a far cry for me to imagine her saying things like that. At least to anyone who doesn't know me (as the "abusive, drug-using alcoholic husband"). I haven't seen OM in more than six months -- just about the time the A began, by my calculations -- and while I don't think he gives a flip whether we had a good marriage or not, I know she's not above saying disparaging things to "justify" leaving me and going with him.

Anyway, it was a bit of a "trigger reaction" when I read it. Posting this reply has helped soothe things a bit.

Sorry about that Fred. The sad thing is, the BH in question might very well be here. I feel as sort of loyalty to my fellow MB-BS's. Short of posting actual names, I don't know that there would be a way to tell and I wouldn't do that to anyone.

In any event, I believe my imagined version (psycho WW) vs what I was told (abusive BS) even though the friend who told me is not a liar and has no reason to lie. It's simply what he was told, by a wayward, and it matches everything from the Wayward Handbook.

I understand, Tabby. I wasn't asking for more information. I was just struck by the congruence (now there's a word for you!) of comments and circumstances.

A WW running off to be with a MM, who has been "separated" for years and now has decided to marry the WW is not unique to my situation. It would be the height of ego to think it was.

And I want to add that every single BS should know that this is EXACTLY how a wayward describes the situation. Whether they are psycho, as I expect this one to be, or relatively tame, if you don't expose first, this is the spin-doctor version of an affair. My friend (the one who wrote me, not the WW) is a reasonable and intelligent man. He doesn't sniff the cow excrement because they've spun it so well.

I think I might add in a few lines of "she's making a terrible mistake" and "if he cheats with you he'll cheat on you" in my reply. As I said, he's a reasonable man and might see this. Then he can advise her (or the BH who he knows far better than me) and I can simply unfriend her from FB and be done with her.

It has nothing to do with ego. Such things as this are so extremely horrible, how can one possibly know that they happen all the time.

Didn't you know? Every woman who cheated on her husband has a raging lunatic of a husband who does drugs and abuses alcohol.