Hmm, did nanny get exposed to her peers or family.

I'm sure that my wife would NOT like to hire her.

Pepper...I don't really have a plan if OW contacts...here is the deal...WH changed his cell and made it where I am cc'd on all his emails (plus gave me passwords, etc). Plus, he is just more than transparent...he won't even delete junk mail from his email accounts now... OW still contacts me from time to time...even after I moved, she would text my cell. When that didn't get a "rise" out of me, she started giving my cell number out as a reference for nanny positions. So, I had all these wives/mothers calling me, asking me to give a reference for OW as a nanny..ick ick ick. That was after I uprooted my kids and moved across the state. MC told us that OW was a sociopath at our next session and basically said OW liked to cause me pain.

So, in order to get OW to leave me alone, I told OW's husband that WH left me and moved back to our home town. This was long before I found MB and I don't even know if that's the "correct" approach, but for us, it really helped. I guess OW thinks she's won, so she pretty much leaves me alone.

I can't "hide" from her...due to my business, I am a public figure and she can always get my contact info. Ignorning her actually seems to work though...its been three weeks since she contacted me---she made a check-up appointment for one of my kids with doctor (4 months after D-Day)--really it is that weird in my life...

Thanks for all the encourgement Mel...I can honestly say that today was the best day I've had since this all started...WH is a little nervous...he asked earlier what was going on with me (I hadn't screamed or been ugly all day) LOL I just told him that I am trying to let go of my anger...It is the full-program with the Coach I think it will be very helpful...because the IC that I have now that tells me to journal and move toward forgiveness just doesn't understand me...

I realize the harm I do to my marriage...frankly, most of the time, I just don't care...but I know that I will care in the future when this hurt eases...and I also know that regardless of what the future holds, we have three perfect children together, so we will always be in each other's lives. WH beats himself up more than I ever could...and you would think that would be enough for me...but I'm just ugly right now...I don't even like me...but that's a-changin' thanks to MB

Imagine...I honestly don't know about OW peers and family...I know that several of her peers know, because they've contacted me to say how sorry they were (but keep in mind, these are 20ish y/o girls...most are college-aged and single) and I do know that OW husband and his family all know. We were very close to them. I never "exposed" because it was over once I found out and we had already moved far away before I found MB and knew what steps I should have taken.

Then you can join me in the Hall of Shame for Betrayed Spouses. I injured myself on D-Day (drank two bottles of wine with no food, passed out onto the side of my dresser. WH had to call 911, blood everywhere, kids scared to death, getting carted out of the house on a stretcher...beauty, eh? Six stitches later, I've got a scar on my temple to add to the one on my heart. Long/short, I got drunk and fell apart. Not a pretty sight.

Fast forward: on more than one occasion, I pounded H with fists, elbows, knees, feet. I stopped short of using a weapon to attack him (ala Elin's 5 iron.) But I did give H a black eye and probably 50-60 bruises on his torso and arms. I am humiliated to have the image in my head of the night I stood over him, kicking him as he sobbed and I screamed at him. I can only thank God OW wasn't there. She would have gone out on a stretcher.

I don't feel the need to lash out physically anymore, thank God. That was a part of me I didn't know existed. It's so much better now. Time, O&H, transparency - they've all helped. The biggest thing has been time. But please, if you can, try to get past this part as quickly as you can. It's not productive. And you have to live with the memory of your actions. That's a hard thing for me, to relive in my mind my savage actions.

So here I am again...wanting to scream! I cancelled two VERY important meetings today because my life/marriage is in shambles. I own the company. This contstant drama will not work. I absolutely have to get my life back on track. My WH says the business is more of a priority than he is...we are a one-income family. No business = my family is not provided for...not to mention all my employees....

Ok, that was venting, here is today's issue: WH is SO angry with me anytime I get upset...doesn't matter whether or I am crying or yelling...he says "you just want to live in the past" " you want there to be drama" "you want to pick fights with me"...

Why is WH so dismissive??? He acts like this PA was such a minor thing...and has said one more than one occasion that I am the "one holding our marriage back". He feels like saying sorry should cover everything he's done...I think he's sorry he got caught, but I really doubt he is truly remorseful about his actions.

He has told me so many times that he did it because it was fun and that if I hadn't caught them, it would still be going on.

I have to remind myself every second of every day that we have kids that need thier dad...just to get through this. If I kicked WH out today, he would be back with a 20-something, if not OW, trying to re-capture his youth, drinking, partying, etc...not the kind of dad I want for my kids.

Our last MC said that "staying together for the kids" rarely worked. Why else would I stay married to him? My WH didn't get drunk one night and make a "mistake"...he did this day after day after day...sex in our kids room, in their bathroom, in our bed (made me sleep in their sex sheets, nice touch), sex in my house while i was upstairs asleep..i could keep going...but the list would never stop.

I just have no use for him as a human being anymore. He planned my birthday party with OW and invited her..made me go to dinner with her a million times, knowing he'd been with her all day, and told her every secret I've ever had. Aren't there two or three things in the world that everyone has that they have only shared with thier spouse??? I don't have "skeletons" but I had secrets...just two or three BIG things to me..and now this crazy 20-something girl and probably everyone in FB-land now knows...

And the WORST part is...he won't even tell me the truth!!! I find out from OW what he has told her...then he lies and says "Oh, i didn't tell her, I told OWH"...First of all, that doesnt make it any better and second of all, Lies!!!

I can't even begin to talk about what happened to my kids as a result of their PA...not today...I'm already too angry.

I want to run away...

Your WH doesn't get it "yet".

Let's see if we can help him........ Let "us" point out the error of his ways, that way you won't be Love Busting him.... OK?

You come here to vent in a safe place as ML said earlier.
We can handle ALL vents.

He says he's going to do MB online...discussion forum...but I swear, its to get validation that I am a crazy BS...not to see what he "doesnt get". WH really thinks he's different than other WS...and that I am over-reacting.

He told me earlier in the week that I had totally lost my mind. You think?????

I just contacted Dr. Harley's office to see if he can do phone counseling tomorrow instead of Friday....Friday seems like an eternity

Sorry for your pain...I can feel your anger. Is WH still withholding A info, failing to be O&H now, or both?

Raven,

He just drew a line in the sand and said no more...it was a couple of months ago while we were in MC...he absolutely can not tell the same story twice and I would point out discrepancies in his story and he finally just stopped. He will not admit to anything more than what he already told me, will not clear up and of the things that don't make sense...MC told him to do it, he just will not. He said it hurt more than it helped and he refuses.

My honest opinion is this: He has told so many lies (remember OW was our nanny and was in our lives every day) that he truly can't remember what he's said. Before affair, WH had terrible memory while I never forget a thing...SO I am willing to accept that some of this "unwillingness" on his part is really that he doesn't remember....BUT I am not naive...If he's told me 10 things, he knows 100.

And this is exactly why Betrayed Spouses ask the same questions over and over and over again - it's an effort to get a consistent story. As long as the stories don't add up, the BS can only conclude that they're still being lied to.

And - somewhere you said he was only posting here because he thought we'd tell him how crazy you are and that you're just overreacting?

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

hbh ~

I am so sorry you are here. Most of us here have been exactly where you are right now.

Now...I MUST say this and you really MUST understand how important this is ~ I just read on your H's thread that you are still in indirect contact with the OW, through her niece/s who is now your nanny??? (forgive me if I am a little bit off on that) and that you are getting lots of information on her this way?

Listen to me and listen good:

THIS MUST STOP. THIS IS MAKING YOU MUCH CRAZIER and MORE ANGRY than you need to be.

Do you understand me? This is keeping you at d-day. THIS IS NOT HELPING YOU. I know it makes you feel a little bit safer but it is DESTROYING YOUR RECOVERY EFFORTS.

[I am not minimizing what your H has/has not done that hasn't helped...not at all. Let him clean up his side of the "fence" and you clean up yours...do YOUR part, ok?]

hbh...I know this becuase I did this too. It made things MUCH WORSE. You need to find someone to be accountable to so that you STOP getting info on OW.

Fire her nieces today. You do not need an hourly reminder of the A and keeping OW so intimately involved in your life (even indirectly) is KILLING you emotionally.

There's no way for a BS to no every little thing but a 90% deficient is not acceptable and is one of the reasons you will stay angry.

I think that right is right and wrong is wrong. Before PA, so did WH.

I think in terms of black and white. Before PA, so did WH.

Now he wants me to see Grey areas...and that maybe someone could be in the middle of right and wrong.

I can not change my belief system to make this easier on him. He has to spin this PA or he can not deal with it. He wants to dress it up with romantics and flowers and tell me that he loved her and wasn't thinking about the consequences.

Love her? Ok, fine...what is her favorite restuarant, color, song? What kind of movies does she like? Books to read? Sports? Nothing, nada...in fact, it is shocking to me how little he actually knows about OW since we were so close for 2 1/2 years....

Mulan,

I don't know that to be true...maybe he is here seeking genuine help...I don't want to read his posts...I can't believe that they would be much different that what he says to me...which are half-truths and spin....

Married,

Ok here is the situation...I only have contact with OW when she contacts me directly...I don't know if you've read my earlier posts, but I am somewhat of a public figure and she can always get access to me...its just the way it is. She is nothing more than a sociopath and wants drama...So, I told her that WH and I split up and now I just ignore her...she rarely bothers me now (It's been almost a month).

As for her neice:

Neice (actually OWH's neice) was an employee before,during and after PA...and WH tells me all the time that I should fire her...does that seem fair? That someone else has to suffer for WH acts? WH doesn't like it that I catch him in lies because Neice tells me things...and that is the bottom line. He wants this all "swept under the rug". He knows that I would never find out anything if OW family had no contact with me.

Pepper...

I can't even answer you without saying I hate him 100 times over. My kids were there...right there, being neglected and mistreated. About two weeks before D-Day, OW left her husband and because WH wouldnt leave me, OW was terrible, just terrible. And WH was just as bad....I talked to them both...my babies diapers wouldn't get changed, they would be spanked for no reason, not fed properly...

And all she had to do was bat her eyes and say HBH is being mean to me....

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Nor should you!

You may however, need to change the way you are responding to WH's stupidity if you want to recover this marriage.

Hope you will keep spilling out all the awful things HERE and not to hubby right now. We understand. I have lots of hope for your marriage, especially once you talk to the Harleys.

And stay off hubby's thread. The folks here will take care of him.

Hang in there, things will get better soon.

Hurt,
I'm about to drop some 2x4s on your husband, hopefully for his benefit & the benefit of your marriage, and by "virtue" of my standing as a former cheater, I'm usually pretty ginger in saying anything critical to a betrayed spouse; and so I say this with all due respect & humility, but: I don�t see how keeping OWH's neice on as a nanny can be good for your marriage, or thus, good for your family. The connection with OW's family is automatically a constant trigger for you. You're in business, so you know plenty well that there are lots of folks looking for work these days. If you need a nanny and can afford one, then there are better choices out there. No, perhaps it wouldn't be "fair" for the neice for her to be let go on account of auntie's misconduct, but it sounds like you can afford some severance to ease her transition. You need to do what's fair for your family & most of all yourself. Your husband may need to do a better job with coming-clean, but IMHO, you need to sever this tie, forthwith.