My husband of three years (and partner of 6 years) has just told me (two days ago) that he has been having an affair with a female co-worker for about 7 months.

This is my second marriage, my first marriage ended in its first year, after I discovered that he had been cheating on me with prostitutes.

I want to work through this, I do not want to leave him. I always thought my first divorce was the best thing ever to happen to me as it allowed me to eventually meet my current husband. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.

We are currently living in the UK (my husband is British) and all of my family and friends are back in North America. My husband has so many friends here, but all I have is my husband. I feel so utter alone in this. My husband is my only best-friend. I have no one to talk to (I am worried that I will drive him away from me even more by constantly talking about the affair), hence why I am posting this on an online forum.

When he told me about the affair I asked my husband to stop his sexual relationship with her, which he has said he would do. When I asked that he stop being friends with her and to not contact her anymore he got annoyed and said that she is his best-friend (he says I am also his best-friend and that he loves me). He eventually agreed to not contact her outside of work. I requested that we move so that he wouldn't be able to contact her at all, as is suggested in this website and elsewhere, and he said he can't - which is fair enough, he is in the military and we must go where he is posted.

Tonight we will work on the emotional needs questionnaire. In a way, I know that if we can get through this our marriage will be so much better - but it is the 'getting through' that has me worried.

I fear this is all lip-service. He has her on his facebook page and they have been chatting and posting photos on there for months now. And he has an all-singing all=dancing cell phone which he can use to keep contact with her. He has grudgingly agreed to delete her from both, but how can I be sure that he doesn't contact her via phone or email?

This summer he will be going away for two months with her on another military exercise. I feel like I have absolutely no control of this situation, and I really wonder about my husband's desire to end his affair. I fear that any headway we make will all be in vain once they get together again. As it is, he will be going away in three days for a week. Is there any hope?

This is so much worse than my first marriage's affair, since my current husband has an emotional attachment to this woman, it's not just sexual. My husband shares so little, emotionally with me and anyone else as it is, I can't bear the thought that he is sharing his feelings with someone else.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

I am sorry that you are here, but in saying so this is the best place you can find yourself in this sitch. I hope you have gone over the basic concepts and the other free articles you can read on this website.

You should try to get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair.

There are many people who are vets at handling sitch like yours, they will be able to help you. Don't get frustrated if people don't answer right away, they will come along.

Does the OW report to your Wayward Husband (WH)?
Does he report to her?

You do know who she is, right?

Larry

Yes, I know who she is. I haven't met her in person, but I have seen her in pictures that he has brought back of his exercises.

I am not entirely clear about their work relationship. My husband is superior to her, but I do not think they are in the same chain of command. She is not in the military, more of a civilian consultant, but her job is to be in contact with my husband. Unfortunately there is no where either of them could go without having to completely give up their careers...and my husband does not think he has any qualifications in civvy street.

Ok, next question.

Do you know if she is married?
Doe you know if she has children?

Do you have kids yet?

Larry

Oh, and do you know who she works for? I.E., the contractor.

Larry

Sez:

Trust me on this, I am going somewhere with all my questions. But I just want to know a bit more before I unload what I have learned from life's hard ride and what I have learned by reading the books and listening to people.

I will have some suggestions that might help after you reply.

Larry

I know who she works for. She isn't married, very single and very much into the nightlife, from what I gather from her facebook picts. No, I don't think she has kids, but my husband and I have a two year old.

Thanks Sez. ..

First of all, I dunno how it is in the British Military, but I do know that the US version has a ton of experience in these matters. The Brits probably do as well, but I dunno outcomes there as well as here. You might want to have a meeting with a Chaplin before you step up to the plate and start firing.

If this were the US military. . .

Expose: Exposure is the number one recommendation from Harley, the guy who owns this site and THE acknowledged expert on these matters.

First point of pressure is on the OW, and the company where she works. The twit might be trying to insure her success in assignment by bedding your husband. I would bet solid dollars that her employer would not be amused, nor would they agree.

If she is the party animal as you say, then chances are good she isn't exactly in love with your husband, just looking for a score or job security.

Don't take any guilt trips or put up with any controlling bull from hubby. You have yourself and your child to protect. And so does he when he emerges from his fog; fog being the adultery mental condition most fall into when they have an affair.

Follow your Chaplin's advice for military exposure. I doubt that your hubby's direct report will be amused that hubby is boffing a contractor he is working with.

Read all about Plan A here - Pep's carrot and stick and Harley's columns are great starting points. Get Surviving An Affair by Harley and read it, several times. I have bumped Pep's carrot and stick up so you can see it.

Mark1952 has some very nice advice. You can find him by looking at the thread that says Larry in the topic title.

The purpose of exposure is to STOP the affair. And it works.

Read Harley's diatribes on exposure.

Hokay, that is enough for now. Fire away with the questions.

Larry

US military expose this affair and the command will see to it that they no longer work together.

Should work that way in the UK.

Thanks for your help and support. I am, at the moment, not comfortable with exposing it. He can get into a lot of trouble, not to mention the embarrassment of the entire Regiment finding out. The Wives can be a vicious lot.
I like the idea about seeing a padre. We aren't religious, so we do not have any connection with a padre, but they are easy to find. The problem is my husband really doesn't like padres. So that will be a battle. But I think it would be good for him, as I suspect that he has PTSD from all his tours. His affair started when he got back from Afghanistan... before then he says everything was fine.
I have asked him to remove the OW from his facebook, but I noticed that she is still there as one of his friends.
I am trying to do that 'be the best wife that you can be' suggestion, but I am only getting more and more enraged, as I am the only one who seems to be trying. I'm not sure if I can take being so pathetic for so much longer. It is only making me like him less... am I doing this wrong?
We took the emotional needs test and I wrote the things that had been bothering me and he wrote his. No surprise we were almost opposites, and I have been trying my hardest to fill his needs but he doesn't seem to want to try.
I don't know what to do.

That is the POINT. Exposure will make it UNCOMFORTABLE for him to continue his A or having any further contact with the OW.

Right know he's apparently comfortable with continued contact, even though he knows you know about it.

Exposure is a very effective tool to obtain NC!

Hi sez, I'm sorry you have to be here. But here you will find help, support, answers and advice.

Please read this article, by Dr. Willard Harley, the founder of this site and author of the most popular and useful books on healthy, strong marriages:

Click here for the article

This is how he finds exposure the #1 best tool for killing an affair.

And until the affair is killed, no recovery of the marriage is possible.

You need to expose. Without warning, all at once.
He'll be furious. He'll get over his fury.
Your marriage won't "Get over" his affair. His affair will kill your marriage.

About exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Thank you for your suggestions. I'll give it a try, although I am not sure how much pressure/support/help his family will be able to provide.
Also, I am concerned that he has PTSD. He has said that he has a numbing of emotions and just can't 'feel' anything anymore. His patience is also very thin, all signs of PTSD (he has been in a lot of conflict zones with the military). I am worried that this whole ordeal is because of the suspected PTSD (he denies that he may have it). I want to really help him, and I am just concerned that the exposure will affect a man who already has limited trust do to this potential condition...
The article, by the way, was very good. Thank you for recommending it. If I do expose it, it will be to his family, and maybe my family... I'll avoid his work, as he could get charged.

And it is so unbelievably hard to do Plan A when I feel so utter betrayed and alone. I am really trying, but as the days go by we seem to be getting further and further apart.
This forum is a life-saver!

When you start feeling alone, I want you to look in the corner of whatever room you're in and imagine all of us sitting there, supporting you and rooting you on! (Scoot over, GloveOil, you're in my seat )

Again, thank you for all your support. And 'MaritalBliss' thank you for your kind comment above.
Last night we had our first nice evening together since he told me about OW. I messed up Plan A atrociously the night before and I spent yesterday morning and afternoon stressed that he may have ran to OWs arms. As it is, he came home 40 min late (but I checked the traffic report and it backed up his claim of a major traffic jam).
I told him that I had messed up the previous night and I didn't want to be like that (I was being a crazy ranting scorned woman, and it only made him mad). I asked if we could start over. He agreed.
I realised that I hadn't been meeting his emotional needs in two areas: recreational companionship and domestic duties. I am sort of prevented from being able to do either easily, as I have a very hectic life (completing my PhD, looking after our child, and working). We both love outdoors activities like mountain climbing, so we are going to go climbing next weekend - something we have never really been able to do, due to our busy lives and our child. It will just be the two of us. Really looking forward to it.
Climbing and paddling is something that his OW has been able to fill in for him in the past, as I have been stuck at home looking after our child. My plan is to exhaust him!
fingers crossed.
If he doesn't tell me we are moving to a new posting next week I will expose it to his family first, then his boss at the beginning of the following week (don't want to mess up this upcoming weekend trip).
Plan A HAS to work, as I cannot afford to live on my own with our child, nor do I have anyone that I can move in with... and I can't afford a plane ticket to N.America at the moment to be with my family.

Uh Sez, I hate to break it to you, but you cannot live in your own head in this situation you have found for yourself, through no fault of your own, period.

You are smart, going for your PHD. Harley IS the PHD on the subject of infidelity and recovery. He literally wrote the book on recovery.

First of all, your husband is an alien. This is the mental state of an infidel who is engaged in an affair. PTSD is baloney, he is just muddled up from doing what he is doing with the skank he is boffing on the side. Sorry, that is reality. He will lie to you, try to make it your fault, and all the rest of the tired old path that waywards take. It is as if there is a script they follow. I have seen it over and over and over. They say the same things, believe in the same baloney, etc. And your husband is following the script quite nicely (or sordidly).

When you expose, not if, the first place you go is the skank OW (Other woman) place of employment. You are hesitant because of your financial situation. Well, that is a good way to destroy a marriage for not taking the right steps.

READ all that Harley has to say in his posted articles. Do it now and do it often. Harley has the roadmap that works. Trying to a modification of the plan because of your fears makes it almost certain that your fears will come true.

Go see a "Padre{ by yourself and ask him for guidance, especially concerning exposure. Trust me on this, if every wayward military guy got kicked out because of an affair, there wouldn't be anyone left to staff. It is common as dirt in the military and the military has procedures for taking care of the problem.

Until you expose, you are violating the basics of getting an education, which is: find the expert, learn and follow the plan. Harley is the expert and if you haven't read every word you can find on his basic concepts, you are NOT getting the education you need from the expert. My ONLY caveat on exposure is if the Brit military does an immediate discharge as a matter of course and you can find that out from a Chaplain.

If that is the case, then you need to get sneaky. I have some ideas I will save for posting should your Chaplain tell you that will be the case.

Again Sez, Harley is the expert. Read his stuff and get an education that is NOT derived from your intuitive responses, which may or may not be valid since by definition, you are not an expert. Nor would you want to be, but you have to be and you now have a known expert to learn from; Harley

You have a child. Fight for your kid, if nothing else.

Larry