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Yeah, he is absorbing a lot of toxin.
We all have some dependency to a certain extent. And then .... there is that line that gets crossed ....
I've been around a long time, and been in many al-anon meetings.
Some people require their spouse to be "the bad guy".
Trust me, I know this because I lived in those shoes for awhile.
Dependency with a spouse who is making marriage-wrecking choices is self-victimization, a choice.
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Yeah, he has a high tolerance for abuse and a low entitlement thing going. I can relate.
Kids of alcoholics are different. No choices. Dad was a pretty scary/bad guy when he was drinking.
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My H didn't ask me to "pay" for my A. Probably the reason we recovered and not only recovered but recovered so happily.
All he wanted and wants from me is my love. He has it. I do not think a request for restitution interferes with the ability to reconcile. In fact, many "experts" on forgiveness seem to think restitution facilitates forgiveness. It dissipates resentment and approaches fairness. It also give the offender some relief in that the offender can do something concrete to make amends. The notion that requiring restitution is in some way less forgiving or less noble is incorrect IMO. I am surprised that more WSs are not insistent on it, in fact, for their own sake. Okay, I'm confused by this. How does the WS offer restitution to the BS if they stay in the M and R? I mean, monetarily really wouldn't work, since most of the time, in a M, all of the money earned is community property anyway. My H and I only have a joint banking account. Everything I have is already his and everything he has is mine. We don't have separate funds at all. The WS sacrifices some of the $$ that would normally go toward his or her recreational interests and donates the funds o the family to use at their discretion. I think the amount of $$ the Ws should be willing to donate/earn with a second job should be quantified, s we do in legal proceedings. I have suggested multiplying the cost of a hooker's services times the number of orgasms reached/encounters, throwing in the cost of meds and counseling and babysitting the kids while the WS got banged,;establishing a fund for future poygraphs, STD testing and private investigator services. Roll it up and you have the amount owed. Plus the other things Pariah and others have mentioned. All of it comes out of the WS;s pocket , not the family funds. Still wouldn't work for me, since, as I stated before, all my money is my H's and all of his money is mine. We don't have his and hers accounts. We have one account for all of our needs. Every dime I've ever earned in my married life has gone straight into this account. I never even saw my paychecks. I just signed my name to them and handed them right to him. And, I don't spend any money on recreational things that don't involve my H. When we do things for recreational purposes, we do them together. Such an attitude hardly seems productive if you're truly trying to recover the relationship and build a strong, solid marriage. It sounds more like revenge, and I don't think revenge has any place in a marriage.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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It's restitution, a time honored method of earning forgiveness.Dissipates resentmentand the feeling that the perpetrator "got over" on the victim. Helps the perp feel as if he or she has approached making things right, even if it is merely a symbol. It's a very good way of making things right(er).
I bet almost no Bs would take his or her Ws up on it, to the extent i described. But, there should be some overture, IMO.
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It's restitution, a time honored method of earning forgiveness.Dissipates resentmentand the feeling that the perpetrator "got over" on the victim. Helps the perp feel as if he or she has approached making things right, even if it is merely a symbol. It's a very good way of making things right(er).
I bet almost no Bs would take his or her Ws up on it, to the extent i described. But, there should be some overture, IMO. Well, I guess I'm covered, since my H has always had free access to every dime I've ever earned throughout our entire M.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Presumably, that access was in existence before your A. So, where is the restitution?
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Presumably, that access was in existence before your A. So, where is the restitution? That's why I said it doesn't work. He's always had access to whatever I earn, be it $1, $100, $1000, or $10,000. No matter what I earn, it is OUR money together. If I bring in any extra money, that still wouldn't be restitution, since it wasn't MY money to give him in the first place, but OUR money. I realize some married couples keep separate finances, but many do not, and for these recovered marriages, monetary restitution just isn't possible.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Could you sell off some assets? Or do extra work around the house. Get him a Harely or new golf clubs?
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I think writer's husband can decide what he requires from his wife.
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Could you sell off some assets? Or do extra work around the house. Get him a Harely or new golf clubs? See, we keep running around in the same circles. All of my assets are also my H's. Any money I earned from selling them would already be his. If I bought him something, since all of our money is in joint accounts, it would just be using money that was already his to make the purchase. Doing extra work around the house might work, except I already do most of the housework. This may be a moot point anyways, since my H's A lasted 10 years and mine only lasted 6 months. By your system, he would "owe" me far more than I "owe" him. Of course, in a recovered M, as you previously stated, it probably wouldn't occur to the BS to ask for restitution anyway. Having a happy, loving, secure marital relationship with your spouse IS the restitution, and it is priceless. It means more to me than any amount of money.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Yep, he owes you. 12 :1 ratio, there.
Last edited by Zelmo; 02/10/10 08:00 PM.
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Yep, he owes you. 12 :1 ratio, there. We're calling it even and moving on with our lives.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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That is good, writer. Good luck.
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