Sad to be here...
2.5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an EA (maybe physical too but certainly EA)

I don't have the emotional energy to tell my story right this minute...I'm sorry. When I discovered he was out of town and I told him my boundary was either he cut off all contact or we were split. So he cut off contact...we didn't know of this site yet so it was something he did on his own not something I saw. But anyway, I believe contact has been cut b/c 1) I look at the phone records and 2) he is depressed and missing her.

Now his attitude has improved of the 2.5 weeks. He is back to interacting with out three children. But he doesn't seem responsive to me-- but he still wants bedroom affection. But he is emotionally distant, not talking, etc. He said he isn't ready.

Okay...please help me. Please give me some sense of what to expect from him. When do we get to start figuring this out and talking about E Needs and spending time together to rebuild. Right now he is not really in any mood to engage in this with me...but he is here and he is keeping no contact so that is something.

Welcome and glad you are here. It would be best for him to send the OW a no contact letter, approved and mailed by you. It should say something along the lines that the affair was a huge mistake, he loves you and wants no contact with her for any reason, ever.

Also I would assume a PA and not have unprotected sex with him until the two of you get tested for STD's.

He is acting like they all do while in withdrawal, but that will change. The most important thing is being certain that there is no contact.

Well I've already had sex with him...I was just so sad and yet so much wanted to be close to him.

Isn't asking him to send a letter, asking him to break the no-contact already established just to say there should be no-contact?

As far as I can tell there has been no contact. He misses her--it is obvious and he has said so. It is hard to see him mope around.
I'm getting really sick of this. He should be BEGGING me to stay with him. I mean really...he was the one who went and had this EA.

Am I suppose to just keep on cooking dinner, cleaning the house, caring for our kids, and try to be friendly and available to talk, and sexually available to him....???? until he decides if he can work this out. He doesn't seem committed. His words are "we will give it a try" but he doesn't think people should have to "work" at a connection. By the way he admits that in the 15 years we've been together (married almost 11yrs) this is the first time he ever had doubts. He says he was happy here with me but maybe he would be even happier with her. He says with her he feels such a profound connection that he never knew was possible. He cannot name (or hasn't yet) one thing I do wrong or that bothers him.

I'm trying to talk to him about emotional needs but it is hard right now when he is just so emotionally "unavailable." He seems angry that I've "forbidden" him to talk to someone who is "so special" to him. (his words) I said no, I set my boundary and you chose to stay.

Anyway...please I need help navigating this. I'm not seeing articles that really speak about what it is like while you wait for the fog to lift.

Polygraph re the PA. STD testing asap.
If he does not show remorse after a while, you need to Plan B him, IMO.
I'd tell his family and the kids, too. Then, there will be more folks watching him.

Just because he said he isn't having contact with her doesn't make it so. My wife was the most honest, innocent person I'd ever met, but she became the biggest liar ever during her affair.

She would promise me she wasn't talking to the OM but she was. Once she found out I was checking the phone records, she went deep underground, calling from work and other people's houses and emailing him from work and from new email accounts she set up.

If he is depressed, then that means he really misses her and MAY give into calling or seeing her. She may feel the same and initiate the contact.

Now is a very critical phase - my wife broke contact for almost 3 months (once she swore on my 2 kids' lives that she hadn't talked to him - although I heard the conversation through a voice recorder). That prolonged my agony.

However, once no contact was in place for a while (several weeks), the fog lifted and she actually admitted that she was lost during that time. The no contact thing works.

I have made a lot of mistakes in dealing with my wife's affair. I hope you learn from my mistakes. I wish you the best.

Well, waiting for the fog to lift is a terrible time.
Your spouse will not speak in rational or logical ways.
They have a very distorted way of thinking - one that defies logic and makes you want to bang your head on the wall because it is so frustrating.

They will continue to view the other person as "perfect", their soulmate, etc. (I heard the part about the profound connection and I shouldn't have to work at it, it should just be there, too).

Meanwhile, they magnify all of the problems/shortcomings in the marriage - kind of a defense mechanism that justifies their actions.

While my wife was in this phase, I couldn't have a decent conversation with her. I tried to better myself and be the best husband and father I could be. I tried meeting her emotional needs, but she was in withdrawal and my efforts were useless.

Until no contact was in place for a while and the fog started to lift, all I could do was to avoid love busters and wait it out.

Hope it helps.

How long must I wait?

I know there is no way for you to know. But I need to know. If you say give him 6weeks I can put my mind to it. But 6 months...I don't have it in me to live like this that long.

I am a stay at home mom...3 young kids and I know I've been good to him. Surely not perfect but come on....

Well, my uncle had previously went through a 5-month separation.
When this started for me, I looked at his situation and said that there was no way I could go on that long.

My situation is unfortunately different, but I found that I could go on for much longer than I thought.

Dr Harley says that a good rule of thumb is to continue Plan A for about 6 months. Going on longer than that will cause you to be mentally and emotionally drained. Moving to Plan B at this point will save you from that and also save any love that you may have for him. But, it really depends on you as to how long you can go.

You want to do Plan A long enough to let him know that you can meet his needs and leave him with a favorable impression in case you move to Plan B.

Every situation is different. In my case, I found out about my wife's affair in February but she broke no contact until late April. This kept her in a fog. Once no contact was in place, she was in withdrawal (sad, angry, depressed) until mid-June. So it took her about 7-8 weeks to get through withdrawal.

Even though she said she was committed to the marriage in May, she didn't really start showing any real effort until withdrawal was over. That is when you can really start trying to meet his emotional needs.

The keys are ensuring that there is no contact, doing a good Plan A, avoid all love busters (especially during the withdrawal phase), then you can start rebuilding. You should know, though, that recovering from an affair can take 2 years. It is not easy, but it can be worth it.

If you are unfamiliar with any of these terms, please ask. We're all here to help and we do know what you are going through.

Good luck.

Glad you found the site, sorry you are here.

My quick advice is to be honest with yourself ASAP as to the gravity of the situation. You may be tempted to skip steps or wallow in your pain. You have to come to terms with the fact that your marriage is in a SERIOUS crises, and you need to bring everything you can ASAP. It will be difficult, but it gets much easier as you take pro-active and positive steps.

You can do it!

Hubby needs to write a no contact letter - it is for your benefit and to really end the affair. He needs to tell the OW that he loves YOU and wants nothing to do with her.

If he refuses to do it, then there is a problem, but please ask him.

As far as Plan A, you only need to do it for 6 weeks. After that, we have another plan.

You need to insist on STD testing. Please see your doctor.

MBJG

arthawk1 is dead on..... great advice

I think what Dr H says is that you plan-A as long as you can stand it.... For guys that's about 6 months for you girls it's usually less time......

Plan-A is your best chance to show him what he will be giving up if he walks away form his family and you.... The longer you can hold out the greater your chances are that

1 He'll get over the OW

2 He'll see the potential of his marriage with you

Get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. H and read it...you won't be able to put down once you start reading it!!!!! It's the bible to getting thru this H--- your in

Hang in there

Ok Thank you. I will get the book.

He says he was happy with me and our marriage until he met her and then he suddenly felt things he never knew possible. He says it is NOT just "new relationship" excitement. He insists it is something unique and special. So I said if he is so sure about that why is he here with me? His response was b/c he cares about me, the kids, the house, and the dog. Yes, he said he couldn't leave the dog.

I don't want to be his second choice. I love him deeply and he has been a good, honest man for 15 years. Now there is a sudden flip. Lies, withdrawn...

He insists he didn't act on his feelings sexually. He said he would take a lie detector test and he knows my close friend is a police officer.But admitting to having sex with this person could result in him being sued. Seriously. He broke boundaries beyond our marriage. (Think professional/client, student/teacher, Doctor/patient type situation) OW is married with no kids. Her husband could sue and it could seriously hurt my partners career. But again, he insists he did NOT sleep with her or have any sexual relationship.

So he apologized to me with sincerity and has no-contact but he also is missing her and he said he doesn't love me the way a man should love his wife.
He is also saying what is love anyway? How do I know if I love someone?
Even with the kids he said, I think I love them but how do I know?

Is this normal foggy thinking?

Absolutely foggy.

It is like deja vu for me to hear you say those things.

My wife told me that she doesn't love me the way a wife should love her husband (a variant of I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you)

She also pondered the thoughts of "what is love" and "how do you define love".

My wife was a good honest, happy person that turned into a depressed liar. A big liar.

I think I need to tell you though. She also told me that it was only an emotional affair. Her best friend told me otherwise. Even then, she told me her friend was lying. Finally, she admitted the truth (?). In short, I don't believe she ever would have told me the truth had I not found out on my own. Prepare yourself for the worst. We all hope it isn't the case.

Listen, there is hope for you. Your husband really doesn't seem too far gone from you. My wife was ready for divorce and came back. Don't get too discouraged. But, you have lots of work to do if really want to save your marriage. Unfortunately, you are going to have to compete for your husband. It's not right, but that's the way it is. The key is NO CONTACT and do a great Plan A.

There are a lot of good articles on this website. Read as many as possible.
Good luck and keep posting.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you're here, if you know what I mean.

I think you should have him take the lie detector. It's the only way you'll know for sure, and he might think it's a good way to make you believe him, without actually having to do it because you'll be afraid he could be sued.

As for being sued, if he did have a PA, then that possibility is the natural consequence of his behavior. Also, the OWH has the right to know, and your WH probably shouldn't continue in the career anyway, if it will continue to put him in contact with OW. Shielding him from the consequences and not exposing him enables him to continue the behavior... your marriage is more important than his career.

Oh my...he would never ever give up his career. That is his life passion and his way of supporting us.
He doesn't have to have contact with her in his work and isn't.

I am not more important to him than work- certainly not right now and maybe ever.

Do you guys ever think that by doing my best to meet his emotional need and be a loving, attentive wife I am just making myself a doormat for him to walk over? How will he respect me if I do this? My heart just wants him and I want to do this-- but I worry that I'm setting a standard for the future as well. One that says, my wife isn't going anywhere even if I lie and carry on with another woman as long as I cut of off when she finds out.

Good question about being a doormat. I will let someone else who is smarter than me answer that one. I know I felt like one myself. All I will say is that sometimes you do what you can to save your marriage. Once your husband is in love with you again, then he will appreciate what you did and so will you. I know it isn't profound - that's why someone else should probably weigh in.

A lot of your friends will probably tell you, if they cheat then they should come begging for you to take them back, and if they don't, then give them the boot. Those are people who don't really understand the anatomy of an affair and meeting emotional needs. I know I never understood it until it happened to me and I had to live it. Well-meaning friends sometimes give poor advice. If you want your husband back, then there is some solid, proven (but not guaranteed) techniques available on this web site.

There is a fine line between being a doormat, and fighting for your marriage. As you get more experience, and more fully embrace the concepts here, you will be able to tell the difference clearly.

Be careful about being drawn into what other people say or think (except here). They all have their own biases and neuroses, and they certainly have much less information and motivation than you do.

So, take friends and family advice with a large grain of salt, and throw yourself into better understanding your own feelings and actions, and challenging / evolving them. That is the way to come out of this healthily.

I feel for you, and yes sometimes I feel like a doormat as well.
I have been doing the Plan A thing since Nov, this is when I found out about hubby's A. My husband is connecting on an emotional level but doesn't want the physical part, that rejection is hard to take, he says our connection in bed isn't the problem it's the way he feels about me that is the problem.....he says he wished he could just flip the switch and be in love with me again......I'm thinking of a no contact kind of thing, that way he will be forced to feel life without me, he really isn't mine right now anyway......he needs to resolve his feelings what ever they are....and I need to move on and heal the best I can...I have to prepare myself for the end of a long marriage...
It's to difficult trying to get someone to love you who just doesn't anymore.....
I'm all for saving a marriage and doing everything one can, but I can't do it alone....
I think your husband is getting back to where you want him to be, hang in there and I think you will see it will all work out for your family......if he wanted to be gone he would be, be grateful he wants to work things out, it isn't that way with everyone that has stepped outside of a marriage..

MBJG,
Just checking in to see how you are doing.