I've been married to my husband for just over a year and things are really not going well. I didn't think I would ever divorce someone for a reason besides cheating but I have to admit that I don't know how to fix what I've got and I know I can't live like this forever.

My husband has slowly evolved into someone who just doesn't care. He will pick a fight with me over just about anything, no matter how small, and will hold a grudge about it for days, giving me the silent treatment. He has no interest in avoiding an argument for the sake of peace and happiness between us. He gets mad at other people and takes it out on me, or is rude to me, or ignores me until I'm just as miserable as he is. When I reach the point where I get upset and confront him, he either laughs in my face or gets angry at me for crying and accuses me of crying on purpose to (unsuccessfully) gain sympathy from him.

I have tried to ask him to reflect on the importance of whatever he's angry about and ask himself if it's really worth messing up our marriage over, but there is no reasoning with him. I am constantly walking on eggshells around him, trying not to anger him, which doesn't seem to be that effective. I suggested we go to counseling and he laughed and said he would never let someone else tell him what to do in his own marriage. Then he said I needed instructions because I was too "immature" to deal with real life. I don't dare discuss any of this with my family or friends because he becomes ENRAGED when he finds out I talked to anyone about him.

When I tell him that I just want us to be happy, he says "All you care about is being happy and life isn't always happy"... So I ask myself, if he doesn't care about my happiness, then what am I in this for?

I feel alone, isolated, and sad. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life either.
I have threatened to leave him and things get better for a while... when things are good they are really great... but we always seem to end up back here.
I'm not sure what to do.

Hi Ejess, welcome to Marriage Builders. This is a great site with a lot of information that's free for the taking! Are you familiar with it?

If not, I suggest you go to the Articles tab at the top of the page and start reading. There's a lot of good stuff, but it's written well in an easy-to-read manner. You don't have to swallow it all in one gulp, either.

Dr. Willard Harley, the founder of this site, has written a number of books, among them "His Needs Her Needs," which is considered by many marriage and relationship counselors to be one of the best. It, and others, are available through the Bookstore tab, above, and might be found at your local bookstore and public library.

You didn't say how old you and your husband are, just that you've been married for "just over a year." Is this the first marriage for both of you? Do you have any children?

The "walking on eggshells" comment is worrisome to me, as I have just come out of a relationship with a woman who exhibits many of the traits of having a personality disorder. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is the title of a book about dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not suggesting your husband is afflicted but just that this comment has a special affect on ME.

My first suggestion would be to read up on Emotional Needs (here on the site, and in the book), perhaps do the EN Questionnaire (also in the box on the right labeled "Most Popular Links") and see if the problem might not just be that the two of you aren't meeting each others' most important emotional needs.

Unless you want to proceed with a divorce, you might at some point consider asking one of the moderators to move this thread to the "Marriage Builders 101" forum. You can do this by clicking the "Notify" button on the bottom right of the message window.

Again, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Hi,

Thanks for the reply. This is my first visit to the site. I will read the questionnaire and see what it says.

I am 29, he is 31, this is both of our first marriages and we don't have any children.

Hello Ejess,

Did something happen to him since the wedding? Any idea about why his attitude changed? Loss of job, death in family, illness, drugs, alcohol, etc?

When did his attitude change?

My first H was, what I later learned a 'Bait & Switch' type of spouse.

He was adoring, admiring, generous with money, time, and thought before the wedding, then back to his 'old self' after the wedding. I was young and it was less than a year from the time we met to the wedding.

But eventually he could not keep up the fake persona.

How long did you know him before the wedding?

What do his friends and family think about him? About his change in attitude? Are they worried? I'd think they would be if his personality has changed so drastically.

What are your thoughts at this point?

We got married after having known each other for 8 months, not because we didn't want to wait, but because we are citizens of different countries and we wanted to launch our immigration process to facilitate us to work in the same country. I don't regret that part, because I do feel in love with him still, I just don't understand why he is being such a jerk.

I don't know what his family would say, I am not very close to them yet because they don't live near us.

Sometimes we go a week or two without a single fight, then suddenly he just decides to be mad over NOTHING. He refuses to talk to me right now because yesterday afternoon at my mom's house I didn't respond when he told me to pass the guacamole... Seriously!

He didn't speak to me for the rest of the day, except to curse me out and tell me "eff you" repeatedly while we drove home. Today he is still not talking to me. This is just a classic example of how he never lets anything go and how he would rather pick a fight with me than just be happy.

I am sick inside knowing that my husband cursed at me over that. He clearly has no respect for me anymore... Maybe I should wake up. Maybe it was a mistake. I don't really know.

Oh and to answer the rest of your question Drucilla, he has admittedly been through a lot since our wedding. He moved to be with me, we bought a house to renovate, and he is performing the renovations while he awaits his working visa.

He talks to his friends and family frequently on the phone but he hasn't been able to see them for quite a while. I know he misses them, but it still doesn't explain the sabotage of our marriage in my mind.

My husband is Dominican-American and I'm Canadian. We're both Christians.
I definitely took a risk in marrying someone that soon, however, I never had a doubt about him. Some may call it an error in judgement. I only knew at that time that we needed to be together if we were going to last and it was a risk we were prepared to take.

Have you read any of the material @ this site?