first time poster,
I've been married for 22 years, not the best for the last 2. In Nov I found out my H was having an A with a woman he works with......found out from the other woman's husband.
At the time he told me he no longer loves me and wants out of the marriage, and that he has feelings for the OW..
devastated to say the least.
we did a separation agreement, I took care of the banking and he is now paying alimony and we are separated except for him moving out as the separation agreement states.
He now says he doesn't feel the same any more about us and wants to know if I could give him some time to try to get the feelings back for me.
I said I would give him until the end of April to think, I'm off to florida for the month of March, planned this when he first told me our marriage was over. He now would like to go with me for the first 10 days, my friends are coming down for the rest of the month....I said okay to that, he looks like he could just use some time to just destress.
so some of his actions tell me he is stalling for some reason, but he is distant and not discussing us or how he is feeling, he looks depressed and talks about how screwed up his life is now, he said he can't picture life without me but on the other hand can't picture us together either, he said he has not had contact with the other woman except for work(he is her boss) I don't know what to believe anymore...
I have tried not to put pressure on him to make a decision
My question is Can he fall back in love with me? What happens to his feeliings for the OW? Is there anything I can do to sway him? so far it hasn't seemed to have helped, other than the fact that he hasn't moved out and he now seems to want to go on a vacation with me, even though it's like roomates
anyone understand him and what is going on, how long do I give him and is it possible in a situation like this.....

As long as he's her boss and sees her daily at work, the mind games continue and the affair, even if emotional, probably still continues. I would believe none of this right now. He needs to have no contact at all with her. Its a conflict of interest for him to be her boss.

As long as he's her boss and sees her daily at work, the mind games continue and the affair, even if emotional, probably still continues. I would believe none of this right now. He needs to have no contact at all with her. Its a conflict of interest for him to be her boss.

Yes, I understand. He is trying to assess which of you two women are a better option. He is comparison shopping. Sounds very committed to you, eh?
He feels he holds all the cards. He gets to choose and expects you to abide by his choice. How do you feel about being an option he is weighing?

Well Zelmo,
when I first found out I told him I was finished with him, I did the separation agreement, and I went to the bank set up separate accounts and I made him email everyone and tell them we were separating.
I am finished with this marriage, he has asked me to re-consider my decision and to try to understand what my part in the marriage was and that I have and I have told him that I made many mistakes as did he but I never quit totally by going outside our marriage like he has done.....my husband is a lawyer so I've had to be really proactive with the agreement and the financial, he has been very generous and does not want to take care of the details of separating our cars, insurance policies, line of credit and so on.....I'm keeping our home and I have changed all the bills and I have set up a line of credit in my name and all my business is off limits to him now.....he has a few things to take care of and then we will be separate in every sense of the word, except he is to move out when he finds suitable housing.......
he tells me it's not about his choice between me and the OW that it is only about how he feels about me, he says he loves me but is not in love with me.
my question is can he re fall in love with me? He said if he wanted to be with the OW or if he just wanted to be free he would have already found a place and he would be gone..He is the one that booked his flights to go to Florida with me, this is after he has told everyone we are finished....
but the distance I feel with him, he can barely hug me when I ask, so 2 messages very confusing.....

Absolutely! You've come to the right place for that. But as stated above, NC with the OW is a non-negotiable requirement. When he sees OW, he is "triggered." That must end immediately if you have any chance of recovery. Without that, you might as well have him cancel the trip, since R without NC is impossible.

jt, there are others here that are more expert at this stuff than I . I can tell you that everything you describe is pretty much textbook in terms of what he is saying and how he is acting.
It is absolutely false that the affair plays no role in his current feelings.
You get to make the decison as to whether you want to attempt to firght for your marriage or divorce. Many people opt for the latter and do quite well.
But, if you decide you want to try to stay married(and you may not know just yet), the plans A and B, proposed by the author of this site, are said to be the most effective method to comabat infidelity and reconcile.
Again, this is coming from someone(me) whose WW never gave me the chance to recover our marriage. But, the first plan, Plan A, helps you bust up the affair and also makes the choice of remaining married to you more attractive to the cheater.
Right now, it seems like you are somewhat equivocal as to whether you want to stay married to your H. I think it is tough to know so early.
So, why not try to bust up the affair through exposure? Then, even if you decide you do not want to remain married to him, you have removed a woman from your kids lives who is not someone that should be around them.

not sure the no contact thing will be able to be solved, he is a lawyer she is his law clerk, it would cost him dearly to get rid of her.....
we have already lived through a bit of this already, his first wife was a lawyer as well and they continued to work together for some time without a problem and she was the one that ended that relationship.
he said if he could re do history he wouldn't had the affair and that he regrets, he told me he told the OW that he couldn't be in contact with her other than work and that he didn't want to leave his family........we have 2 grown sons they know the whole story, and the OW's husband has not kept his mouth shut about the affair, so the story is out there about him having a girlfriend while still married to me........

jt, I am a lawyer, as well. I do not do employment law, but I have a little knowledge in this area.
Your H has taken a very dangerous path in having an affair with an employee. If he is sincere about wanting to stop cheating with her, I imaging his unwillingness to discharge her stems more from his awareness that he has really opend himself up to some serious sexual harrassment liability. I doubt any man that seriously wanted to attempt saving his marriage would let the inconvenience of training a new clerk stand in the way.
Bet he is scared as hell about getting sued. He was very stupid in doing his clerk and , now, he is in a tough position.

Zelmo,
I hear what you are saying and I also have doubts about the affair and what he says about the role it plays.....
I think he truly wishes he was still in love with me, he told me it took a lot for him to get to a place where he could make it okay for him to even have an affair.....he is a good catholic boy after all.
He is truly embarrassed by his actions with his professional peers and his family and our kids....
He says he can't imagine life without me but that doesn't change how he feels right now.
I think I have been already doing the Plan 1 thing, I'm creating a place without any pressure of turmoil for him, a safe place he seems to want to be in now.....he doesn't go out anymore except for work, he is spending time just watching tv, eating meals together and actually talking a bit about his work and his family....
I have been very understanding always acknowledging his feelings and I always say that I still love him and because of that want him to be happy even if that is not with me......
he does say that he feels differently about me and our relationship but doesn't really say more than that.....
I guess I'm willing to give him some time to explore what he wants, 22 years is a lot of time invested, well actually 26 altogether......I told him that this will give both of us some time to really figure out if this is something we want to work out......
I have an appointment with my own lawyer today to make sure nothing I do at this point will screw up my separation agreement and I intend to live my life like I was separated all the while being respectful to him......while we at least live in the same house.
I'll continue to look good, smell good, cook a few meals and just be the happy go lucky girl I've always been.
It's so hard to watch him mope around and sigh non stop and he always tells me how much he has screwed up his life and how at 55 he now is thinking freedom 85 now.....he truly is feeling very sorry for himself and sometimes even seems angry at me.......

Take care of yourself. The ball is in his court. You cannot control how he feels or acts. These folks that get to the point of cheating are just a mess, IMO, very unstable and irrational.
Tough as it is, you need to think of yourself first, here. I am glad you have legal counsel. He needs to get help for himself. The consequences you have helped put in place, the embarrassment etc. are decent motivators.

Your marriage absolutely CANNOT be saved as long as he is in contact w/ the OW. If he doesn't want a divorce yet and wants time to think things through, he needs to establish NC w/ OW FIRST. Otherwise, I would move forward with the divorce and plan B him. Maybe that would be enough to get him to get rid of OW from work.

I just want you to know there is no chance for you to recover while he is still in contact w/ OW. That is a deal-breaker.

There is no way this will EVER work with him still being in C with the OW. NO WAY. You are wasting your time if you think this is even a remote possibility.

I would allow him to meet you in FL and Plan A the heck out of him. Stay in Plan A as long as you can (probably not more than a few weeks)...then let him know if this is going to work he ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WORK WITH HER. He'll need to fire her/whatever and that can be a condition for recovery.

Do not tell him this up front however...Plan A him first. Let him see what he will be missing if he chooses to not change working with her.

I have a bad feeling about this trip, jt. My first thought is "Why in the world would you take off for a month and leave him solely with OW??" Absolutely get him down to FL with you. It's too bad you can't have him there the whole time you're there. If you're not around, OW will be able to continue meeting his EN's PLUS the ones you're not around to fill.

Zelmo,
thanks for responding, we have had that very discussion about getting rid of the OW, he went to his partners and they just said this is your problem, now mine I suppose...
I'm not sure what I will do I think I now need to look into the 90 day clause thing about cohabitation, this will be up on April 11th....and then the agreement is void, do you think I should try to add some kind of extension on that part of the agreement since he is not moving out. We are eating meals together, spending time at home.....could this be misconstrud as working on a marriage/cohabitating? The Florida trip?
I live in Canada and here you can still live together and still be separated...
don't want to screw up the agreement by missing a time line
After my hubby leaves me in Florida he is back home only for a week and then off on another golf trip with the boys and then we are both back home around the same time in April.......

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JT, The thing that jumps out to me is a question. Its one we all must ask ourselves. Do we want to remain in the M?
If your answer to this is "yes" then in your situation I would quit playing cat and mouse. Dr Harley's program can work wonders. I would immediately schedule a session with the Harley's. A Marriage counselor that specializes in recovering a M after an Affair. This can be done via phone conference. May be something your WH (wayward husband) will gladly do as its also convenient and can be done at home in the evenings.
Surviving an Affair from the bookstore is a must read as is Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs.
My question is Can he fall back in love with me? Yes can you?
What happens to his feeliings for the OW? Is there anything I can do to sway him? Yes he can be swayed.
anyone understand him and what is going on, how long do I give him and is it possible in a situation like this..... Yes YES YES Under DR Harleys program. Everything he is babbling is straight from the Waywards handbook. Classic case really.
There are 2 conditions you must set. This OW (Other Woman) has to go. NOW! Dont care GOT TO GO NOW! 1)NO CONTACT FOR LIFE! 2) Agree to engage in a plan of Marital recovery that restores romantic love.
Plan A advice for you if you want to try, 30 days. Plan No contact for him ASAP!
Also one last thing "Exposure". It must be done. Everyone you know should be told in one fail swoop? Who all know now? Children? Family? The first task at hand is to kill the affair and separate them from the OW. Without that your husband will continue having his needs met by BOTH of you while slowly killing your M.

O_o

Necro!

Very old and out of date to Jessi's situation. Please read her story by clicking on her name, going back and reading ALL her threads that she started to get a more accurate picture of where she is here in May of 2011.

What does Necro mean?