My divorce was final on 1/15/2010. I have good days and bad days -- today is a bad day. I haven't been on this site for so long. I felt hopeless about saving the marriage and just sort of made it through each day, the best I could.
My kids met his girlfriend (affair partner) and he is introducing her to his family this weekend. I struggle with how do I separate myself from all this. How do I move forward when it all still hurts so bad?

It just takes time, and lots of it. There are no magic pills unfortunately .

AGG

439,
You detach, he is not yours anymore, nor can you control the things that he does.

You hold your head high and be confident, you forgive and you let go!!!! What good does it do to hold on to something or someone that has hurt you!!!

I can see by your sig line that with the age of your children you will have contact with your x for many years. Remember they are watching you for their cues as to how to behave, so behave in a way that will make you proud of them!!!

This is coming from years of experience. I have been told that I am a good x wife. I have done and said nothing that will come back to bite me in the butt. My kids on their own have come to the conclusion that their dad did something wrong and hurtful, they aren't real crazy about the step mom either, but I allowed them to come to that on their own. I am proud of the way they handle everything!!!

Hang in there, it does get easier with time, and it is what you make it and allow it to be!!!

Have a pity party from time to time, they are good, just know when it is time to leave the party!!!!

Best wishes, keep coming here and posting, this place is awesome and I wouldn't be who or were I am without having been here!!!!

Dawn

Hi BF,

You're 1.5 years from dday, and only a month from your divorce? That is a LOT of trauma in a short amount of time.

I'm not sure what you mean by moving on, but I'd think it'd be premature to say the least! Very early to be past the shock and pain of the abandonment. Very early to have processed the divorce in your mind. Very early in the rebuilding stage.

First, I'd tell anyone who counts NOT TO TELL YOU about anything involving exH, or as little as you can get away with given the ages of your children. You need time to heal and rebuild your life.

Separate yourself from this physically, the best that you can.

And please give yourself a break... take care of yourself. This is all still so fresh.

What have you considered, so far? With three young kids, it's got to be difficult to plan anything fun for yourself. Are you getting out at all? Lunches/dinners with friends? Having friends/family over? Considered a divorce support group? Divorced parent group?

I am sorry for your pain. Just hang in there...

Try to plan something enjoyable for yourself when the kids are away visiting. It does hurt for a long time, it takes time to heal. I am analytical but have found there are no good answers as to WHY he did what he did when he had a wonderful wife at home, so it has helped me to quit trying to figure out the why and just accept what is and move forward. I may never understand it, but people are different. Try not to think about them, focus on you and your kids' lives now. Good luck!

Ive been exactly where you are standing right now. My first husband married the woman he had an affair with on and off for 5 years. At first I was so angry not only did she "steal" my husband but now my kids were involved. It was so hard for me not to say "how can you two like her? She is the reason your dad is gone!" but I knew that wasnt the right thing to say. I kept my mouth shut and tried to focus on my kids. It was hard when they would come home from weekend visits talking about MJ and daddy. The pangs of hurt and anger seemed to be reopened each visit. I decided to move on...which was a mistake as it resulted in another child and another failed marriage (lasted for 5 years). As time goes on it gets easier. But some things always hurt. She and I are friends now, we hang out go out to eat, take the kids shopping, etc. but she is amazing to my daughters and I thank god each day that atleast she is the type of stepmother I had wished for IF a breakup ever occured. I still can't do the whole girly talk with her though because its too weird. Its also bothersome if she brings up a time during which the affair happened. Time really will heal things. Just do not make the same mistake I did and jump into a relationship.

It does take time. One of the best pieces of advice I got when I went though my divorce was to "Not fight it. Let time heal you".

Another thing I found to be true is the old bromide "Living well is the best revenge". You are only 40! That is very young. Take it from a guy almost old enough to be your father. You have lots of time to heal and get on with enjoying life.

Bestfriend,

It's been a while for me in visiting this site too.

I agree with Erwin's quote,"Living well is the best revenge."

Right now, I suspect you are in a simultaneous piercing and numb pain and much more, as I was immediately after my divorce.

What I have come to realize myself, is that time doesn't heal this wound, YOU heal this wound. Pick up on any one constructive thing that makes you happy and follow it with vigor. It'll help you find yourself again and distract your mind, what little it can from the hurtful memories. You have to stop fidgeting with the stitches for it to heal and so it can do so with minimal scaring, you know?

The goal is to no longer stress as much as you have been. Time to ease the mind, heart, and body. Your divorce is equitable to a near death traffic accident. Trust me I know, I almost died once and strangely the way I felt driving past that area for years is exactly how I feel even now at times, when I ponder my forcibly forgone marriage. It feels like I'm crashing again and that fatal impact is about to happen once more. Find a way to divert your attention. The trauma fades as you realize that crash is not happening again, your alive, and able to continue trumpeting your survival.

Hell, focus on your kids. Get into what they love and participate in their lives and in their love, because that�s an easing salve I'd be envious of...

Anything new to report or is no news good news?