My boyfriend of 7 years admitted to me recently he had an physical affair for the last two. The day he admitted he called the women up and ended it. I listened in on the call and heard the whole thing. I believe him that its over with the other women.

I still want to be with him. When I decided to be with him 7 years ago I took that seriously and pledged to stick with him through good and bad. Now that we have hit bad I want to honor my pledge. I am afraid to talk to any friends/family about this because I suspect they would think me crazy for wanting to work it out. My bf is a great person who I love deeply. I want to spend my entire life with him.

On other chat sites angry victims of affairs have suggested I leave. They have told me I am blind and not seeing the whole picture. They have suggested my bf will and is continuing the affair. I understand where they are coming from but I do not feel that way. Yes I am hurt. Yes I am angry. But yes I still love him. And I believe him. I believe people are capable of change otherwise we would be living in a stagnant world.

More than anything I want him to marry me. It never had been something I even wanted before but now I feel it would protect me. We have lots invested together and I feel that by marrying if infidelity occurs again then when I decide to leave at least what I have invested in (i.e. cars, home, pets, etc.) will be more evenly distributed.

I feel I have no one to turn to for help but my bf. He is my best friend. I am deeply saddened and completely angry, but I am still in love. And my bf is clearly in a world of hurt as well. It couldn't have been easy for him to come forward and I greatly respect his decision and bravery in doing so. And I know he loves me. I believe him.

Where I feel conflicted is in the anger others have expressed. At moments I feel caught up in their anger and determined to leave. But on my own I know I should stay. What am I seeing that they don't and what do they see that I can't?

The way I see it is if I stay and try to work it out then either it will end in a successful relationship or a ruined relationship. If its a success then it probably will be stronger then it was. If its ruined then at least I tried and know the outcome and can move on. If I chose to leave now then I will always wonder whether our relationship could have survived and been a success. I will only know its failure without any effort to try for success.

This is not to say I have forgiven my bf. I have not. I am not to that point. And I so very much want to forgive and once again breath.

Is there anyone else out there who feels the same? Who has walked my path and seen positive results? I need a little hope in a gloomy world of nightmarish tales...

Actually, I think you need a little reality to intrude on your false hopes.

Sorry you're here, but I think you're being very foolish to continue your relationship with this individual, let alone hope for a marriage. And your reasons for wanting to marry:


are both mercenary and desperate.

pk

You want him to marry you, but he's already demonstrated that he doesn't want to marry you.

The people who'll be posting to you here believe in saving marriages.

Most of them are betrayed spouses. A few of us (like me) are people who did the cheating. Many of us are recovering our marriages. Sadly, some have not.

Yes, relationships can be saved. Betrayed spouses can forgive. Wayward spouses can change their bad boundaries & behavior. Both can re-learn to love one another better than before. But this takes huge commitment by both people.

The fellow who started this website (Willard Harley) has written a book called "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." I've never read it -- only heard others talk about it -- but it may benefit you to get some insight into the "renter's mentality" that can develop in a relationship where one or both parties don't demonstrate the commitment level necessary to marry. This may help open your eyes to a decision about him, or about yourself.

No, it won't protect you at all.
Learning about how to properly care for a marriage will protect you. Your and your boyfriend need to read "Surviving an Affair" and "Fall in Love, Stay in Love".

He must never ever have contact with the OW ever again in his life. Is he willing to do that?

Why did he confess the A?

Why did you guys not marry before?

Thank you GloveOil. I appreciate the constructive recommendation.

He confessed on his own. I never asked. I sat me down and told me he began the affair selfishly. The OW expressed interest in a romantic relationship and he said no. She pursued a physical one and he at first resisted then gave in. At first he justified it and more recently he realized he couldn't live a double life. He wanted me to know he had an affair, and had ended it, and hoped to only be with me.

He has pledged no contact with the OW. He has provided me with every password (both work and personal), every phone call log statement, and other gestures to show is intent to no contact with the OW. Its not fail proof but it is meaningful to me.

We never married because I never wanted to get married. He always did but I always resisted saying it was too old fashioned. My real reason for not wanting it was to be controversial in a very proper old fashioned family.

What the heck does this mean? You stayed single to impress others? To p'off your parents? Is this a guy you love, or is he a social statement, a banner you can take to the teach-in?

To piss of my parents. Because they pushed marriage so hard.

Sophie,

I am neither a betrayed spouse (although I have been betrayed) and I am not a spouse that has betrayed his spouse. I am also probably (actually I am certain) I am old enough to be your father. I want you to know where I am coming from when I dissect your post and offer you my advice.

However, before that starts I would really like to encourage you to read the articles on this site about marriage, and how a marriage/relationship should be conducted. Start with Harley's four rules for a good marriage. Move to the policies of joint agreement and radical honesty. Read about the love bank and the issue of needs, idenifying them and meeting them.

You will gain a greater insight into your relationship with your BF.

Now let me discuss with you what you have said. IF you were my very own daughter this is what I would tell you about what you have said.

You said

There is part of me that wants to congratulate you on this thinking and part of me that says you don't have a clue. I like that you want to stick with your pledges. It shows character and honesty. I like that a lot.

But, here is my problem. You have made a pledge to yourself in a situation where no pledge was warrented or realistic. The fact that you two have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 7 years means nothing. I don't know your ages, but I am hoping that you are in your 20's and perhaps late 20's. If you are younger then I will be telling you something else.

The difference between marriage and BF/GF is far more profound that most think. You make a public/legal commitment to the other and you promise many things, including to love someone through "sickness and health"..."till death do us part." Oddly, the love you promise is NOT a feeling. You do not promise to feel in love with your spouse. You promise to act in a loving manner. This you can control as they are your actions and they are not feelings which change with many of life's situations. This is a major difference between marriage and BF/GF. However, the vows work both ways and once one of the two breaks the vow the other is allowed even to the most devote religious folks to divorce.

You cannot divorce a man you have never married. Again I don't know your ages, but if you are in your 20's then you should really consider why you would want to be with a man that has had another woman in his life for two years and lied to you about it. It doesn't show much love, devotion or understanding of the word commitment. Please think about this.

The issue isn't that you still love him. The issue is why do you believe him now? What has he done to earn your trust? What has he done to make amends for two years of deceit? You are right people are capable of change, but they themselves must want to change and that takes a plan. NOt my diet plan (I'm going to lose 20 lb's this year), but a real plan with milestones, evaluation points, changes in behavior, setting of good boundaries and a real change in perspective. You have mentioned none of those things.

The folks that have responded to you are trying to tell you something that you don't want to hear but need to hear. He hasn't ask you to marry him, he cheated on you for two years and he is sorry he got caught as he wanted his cake and eat it two. This is a bad way to have a relationship and strongly suggest he is not mature enough to handle one. Since you are not married and not legally entangled and presumably there are no children, a smart person would and will tell you to move on and find a man capable of commitment. His track record is not good.

SophieF, marriage protects NOTHING. People have to learn to protect the marriage. Your solution to now want to marry him suggests strong desperation, and strong denial about what marriage really means. I do not mean to offend you, but marriage is not the solution to this problem. Marriage is a result of committed people wanting to share their lives and as the Bible says "become one." You may want that now, but only because you FEAR losing him.

One should never marry out of fear. He has not wanted to marry you before partially, I am sure, because he had another woman in his life. Perhaps he is afraid of commitment or not yet mature enough to handle it. You cannot chain him down with marriage, you cannot build a fence around you and him with marriage. You cannot make yourself happy with marriage. That is not the purpose of marriage.



I like this sentiment alot. However, you cannot do what you say unless you can seriously consider leaving him, and to date you have not entertained that idea. My father used to say, You seem to have part of this right but you don't have the willingness to walk away down right now. Until you can do that you cannot properly evaluate all you need to in order to make a good decision.

My recommendation: read the articles here. Have your BF read all of the articles here and then buy Surviving an Affair by Harley and both of you read it and discuss it. I think you will learn alot about your BF and his level of commitment based on how he handles the information in the book and on this site.

I hope that something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I now see that he wanted to marry and you did not. Your reasons for changing your mind are not sound and your reasons for avoiding marriage were not sound although they may have saved you from a very quick divorce. If you share things financially, then get contracts and documents written and signed so that if you split it has already been decided who gets what. Marriage is not a good way to protect assets. Legal documents are. Don't marry to protect what you share, get legal documents to do that and then don't marry until you really are ready.

I can't say anything else to you that other's have not said better, but I would like to comment on the highlighted part from very personal experience.

My WH did not confess, I found out, but he too made a phone call to his OW, in front of me, and I truly and deeply believed it was over. It wasn't.

My WH had spoken to the girl long before the phone call was made, telling her not to believe what he said on the phone and that he didn't mean any of it.

Cheaters lie. No matter how much we love them, no matter how much of our 'best friend' they are, no matter how much we desperately want to believe in them, this is the basic straight out fact. Cheaters lie. Protect yourself and do not extend trust he has not earned in any way right now.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.