I haven't posted here in quite some time.
Long story short - XH cheated multiple times. Was verbally and physically abusive. Had lots of issues related to our kids - blended family - him 2, me 1. He accused me of EA w/man at church. I have to admit that I was attracted but never crossed a physical line but did flirt and know that was wrong.
I loved my H and still find him attractive. I am really torn b/c I still have many unresolved feelings and issues. I wish we could repair relationship but we could never talk and talk through anything. I have diagnosed myself as co-dependent and am a helper and fixer.
We had a business before the D and I still help him w/paperwork. He helps me w/projects around my house.
I am not talking to or dating anyone. I'm not sure about him. He gets many text messages when I'm around and he is often very evasive about who, etc. He does some of the same stuff that he did when cheating. I know it's none of my business now but, I still have feelings for him (love?) and am curious and mistrusting of him.
When I try to analyze why I continue to hold onto the R, such as it is, I don't know. I believe the biggest is b/c I don't want to be alone. We don't have a physical relationship but we do tell each other that we love each other - or did until last night.
I was helping w/tax paperwork and didn't finish until midnight. I stretched out on the couch beside him and we both fell asleep. I ended up staying the night and slept in same bed w/him but fully clothed - me. He started kissing me and I kissed him back. We both fell asleep. At some point he started touching me and I said "no" - but he assured me he wouldn't when we went to bed.
This morning he was distant and cold. After I left and got home, I got several text messages that we could be friends but he needed to make some changes in his life. We didn't have anything and what we had wasn't working for him. He said he wouldn't have done anything last night but was testing me. When I asked what the test was he wouldn't answer.
I am so confused. My DD hates him. I have no relationship w/his kids and don't really like them. There's no R w/my family b/c of the stuff he did. There is always an amazing amount of drama in his life and I don't want to deal w/any of that. He is in poor health and has no health insurance post D. He still has business we started that requires him to go to people's homes for renovations. That's where he met some of the women he had A's with.
It was always a big deal to him that I continued going to church where the guy was. So, I stopped even though that meant that I go to another church while my DD and family go to the one I left. He still has relationship with the daughter of last woman he had A with as well as w/her father.
So, can someone please tell me why I am still running after this man to keep him in my life? What good could come out of this?

There's an old saying, "Friends can become lovers but lovers can never become friends." It is very true. Even the MB concepts for breaking up affairs, plan B and recovering marriages align with this. You cannot be friends with your ex without the pain you are feeling now. Until you remove him from your life completely, you will continue to feel this way.

Tabby1, Thanks for the reply. I'm sure you are right. I don't want to be friends. I would like to repair what is a hopeless situation. My fear of never hearing "I love you" from someone other than family I think is a part of why I stay in contact.
When I look objectively at the situation I see nothing to build on but, the emotional thought of saying goodbye and walking away tears my heart out.
This is easily one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with and I've dealt with alot. This is my second marriage and my first D was an absolute breeze compared to this.

You're scared.


You are certainly not doing yourself any favors being around this man. He's divorced but still gets the benefits of being with YOU. Don't think he's stopped sleep around... if he did it while married, he's certainly not stopped because of the divorce.

You're also divorced, but you're still dealing with the person who caused you so much pain. And your helping that person advance in his life. I'd certainly be unhappy with that situation.

He's not alleviating your fears, but being with him gives you a false sense of security. False being the key word. You're hoping to hear ILY again, but he's not going to be the guy. And any decent guy will not get w/i 20 feet of you with the smell of XH all over you. You're probably not giving off alot of 'Hey, I'm fun and single' vibes, either.

I think you have to CLOSE that door, firmly, then move on. You've never closed that door.

My advice would be to start disconnecting yourself from this man now. It will take some time, but now is the time to start.

What have you been doing to develop your life? What do you want to do? How about rebuilding your relationship with your family? Hobbies, career, classes, friends, exercise, time with your DD?

I'm not sure how one would 'resolve' this. He's a cheater and a bully, and he took advantage of you. You got divorced and he's still taking advantage of you.

Resolving this may mean moving on to the next step in your life. It certainly seems like you are stuck. That's got to be depressing. Doing things without him might help you get some confidence back.

It's a start, anyway.

He's an easy crutch for you. That may have been useful in the early days of the D, but no longer. As you see, he's getting the benefit of your current relationship. You're only getting more despondent.

Ditch the crutch... You can do better!

Everything Drucilla said is also true. Also, think about this particular statement for a moment:
(A) Your ex is never going to be the guy that says this and

(B) There's no room for anyone else to come along and be this for you as long as your ex is around.

It is scary to step out there on your own, but it's the only way you will ever heal completely. Until you heal completely, you cannot move on to these loftier goals.

My advice would be to start disconnecting yourself from this man now. It will take some time, but now is the time to start.

I have to agree with Drucilla. I think some couples who divorce are capable of still being friends and associates, but some can't. The connection you've kept seems as though it hasn't been an ideal arrangement for your personal growth.

Time to consider your own emotional health and detach. One step at a time though. Buy yourself a good do-it-yourself book and find someone else to help you with household problems. Shouldn't matter to him now who is in your house after 3 years.

Ask him to find someone else to help him with his books. Shouldn't need to be you.

I'm not sure why it would matter where you attend church at this point? Why didn't you go back to where you were going after the divorce? By staying where you're at, are you holding out false hope that it will appease your husband enough to take you back? After 3 years?

Do things for yourself. Find a hobby that will take you out of the house and meeting new people.

It still sounds as though you're running your life around the hope that there will be a reconciliation. (Not letting other men in your home to repair things, not switching back to your old church, not allowing another female to do his books...)

Looks like a possible pattern; what do you think?

Life2short.

First hugs. I know how difficult it can be. Second you are getting some excellent advice. Advice I plan to take to heart as well.

Your ex cheated and was abusive. Your child hates him. You have no children together. There is no reason you should still have contact with him. You need to cut ties or you won't ever move on or find any kind of closure. You are 3 yrs post divorce and you are not dating or doing anything to upset him because you are still holding on to the relationship. He was a cheater so you know that he is seeing other people for sure now. He is hanging around and preying on your emotions for him. You haven't resolved your feelings for him and I bet he knows it too. If he really cared for you he would let you move on with your life but he is not because he is the same selfish person he has always been.

Now I say this all with really alot of empathy because I too have been struggling with closure. I have been separated since Aug 08 and divorced since July 09. My ex has been similiar to yours in that he would hang around alot and since we have 2 children together that I have sole custody, I felt as a mom I should do all I could to have them spend time with their dad since he had no unsupervised visitation. But when he would come over he would spend more time with me and trying to get the relationship back then the kids. I try not to listen to the stuff he says but it gets really hard not to let things creep into the recesses of your brain and latch on. Just before Christmas he was saying things to me like, "Next Christmas I know we will be a family again and I will be buying you a new engagement ring." So although my head says no way, it stills pulls on the heart strings and really tears you up emotionally.

Fast forward to last week, when he lays the bomb on me that he has moved on and is living with a woman and her small child! It hurt horribly and I felt devastated all over again. But after alot of soul searching I have realised that I have no one but myself to blame because I allowed him to prey on my emotions. I kept myself from moving forward with my life because I was still holding on to some of my failed marriage. So I realised I have to set some strong boundaries. I have told him not to call me or talk to me about anything other than the kids. When he comes over to see the kids I plan to remove myself from the room and do chores around the house to limit my contact with him.

Life2short. Your name says it all. Life is too short to hold onto the past. You can move on and live a full life. It is time you started living it the way you want. Go back to your old church. Reconnect with family and friends. Do things for yourself that you didn't before and when you finally are content with your life and being on your own. Then you'll be ready to find someone new or maybe it will happen on it's own since you will no longer be giving off those, "I still love my ex vibes."

Stay strong!

L2S...

Thinking of you, remembering your time here...hope you'll come back and stay.

LA

Thanks everyone for the comments, advice, etc.
Has has asked me to come back and has asked me to work on our R. The sad thing is that every part of our relationship is marred with some issue, some bad memory, etc.
Maybe it's just the broken dreams or the unfulfilled dreams that we spoke of when we were first married.
I know I have some major issues that keep me entangled. A stronger person, an emotionally healthier person would have booted him out the door after the first affair. I never divulged it to anyone and just suffered in silence b/c I was so ashamed that that could happen during the first year of our marriage.
I want to walk away but I want to be loved. I know that this isn't healthy love and I know that no love at all is better than what I got from him for most of our marriage but I still have days when I long for what we had when it was good.
I don't want to grow old and alone but I can't make that break. I keep thinking what will it take and I don't know.
I want to be happy again but I am having a hard time moving forward.

L2S;

Hello. I read your post Man can I relate. I am not divorced, but I know what shame and fear are.

Why do you think shame and fear are so reoccuring in your life?

barbiecat,
I have some painful stuff in my past long before I met my XH. As I said on the original post I definitely have some issues of my own to deal with.
This thing with him is just gut wrenching. I second guess everything. One day I'm fine and know this is what I need to do (move on) and the next I am a mess, hoping he will call, wanting to call him.
We have been down this road so many times before and I know that one of these times will be the last and he will move on and the thought is devastating to me.
I am so afraid that he will finally meet someone and move on and I will be alone.
Geez, all this sounds so pathetic but, this is my reality.
I don't know why I am so attracted to someone that has treated me so poorly except to say that I have some baggage of my own.

I believe he had a date last night. It's just a hunch. Said he was having dinner with a guy friend and his girlfriend. The guy is separated and now seeing someone. He did not call later on although he said he would. He called me this morning and asked a gardening question. Then called back and asked if I wanted some breakfast from a local fast food place he stopped by. I said yes and he brought it over. Was dressed nicely and said was doing estimates for the company - maybe.
I'm sitting here thinking it would be so easy to just "say yes" and hop into bed but , what then? And what might I catch cause there's no way in h--l that he hasn't slept with someone in the last four years which is how long it's been since we have slept together.
I just feel so stupid and confused right now. Maybe if there was someone that was showing some interest in me I would not feel this way. And, how sad is that that I can't just be happy being alive, in good health, good job, good family, good church, good friends.
I am driving myself absolutely crazy over a man that has repeatedly cheated, has repeatedly lied, etc.
Grrrrr.

Not sure, but it seems that the repeated contacts with him is like picking a scab off an old wound. Each time you see him, you have to start healing all over again afterwards.

If you care about yourself, you may have to begin detaching by doing what I suggested before.

Have you been to counseling about this? Seems as though you haven't fully examined why you find someone like this attractive.

What would it take for you to gain some sort of closure?

Sooly,
I have been to more counselors than I care to remember. I have talked to family/friends till they are sick of the merry-go-round that comes out of my mouth!!!
I know what I need to do but, feel helpless in actually doing it. I met him when I was 38 years old and I am now 51. I have wasted a signficant amount of good years of my life and good years of my daughter's preteen and teen years messing with this man and yet I remain stuck.
I am well educated, financially secure, in good health, petite and in fairly good shape for 51, pretty - not beautiful but pretty or cute, have all my teeth!!!, am capable of taking care of myself and pretty handy in the house and yard, a field grade officer in the reserves, seem to be well liked by folks I work and associate with but...... when it comes to him I can't come in out of the rain!!
I don't know why I can't just say no and move on. I want to because I know deep down that we have both done things that we cannot forget or forgive or look past and there are things about him, and for him things about me, that irritate the crap out of each other. But, I imagine at some point all couples find those things that make us crazy whether it's capping the toothpaste or which way we put toilet paper on the roll.
I do know this: I don't want to be alone. Not that I can't be alone or that I can't take care of myself or pay for or ask for help with the things I'm incapable of doing around the house or with the vehicles but, I want someone to build a life with and spend the rest of my life with.
I am less than 10 years from retirement and my wish is to retire and travel. By then my daughter will have graduated from college and will be entrenched in living her life and I want to just hit the road and see anything I haven't seen before.

I did create an account on eharmony and got some matches but they were all over the country and I'm not interested in a pen pal.

I don't know what to do to finish this. My last counselor told me that for my sake I needed to be the one to move on and shut the door as opposed to him doing it and I believe that he will be the one and not me.

Sorry for the rambling book but, I almost wish I could just go away for about six months and get him out of my system in some way. Sad that I don't have the ability to do it on my own.

life2short, I hope this doesn't sound hurtful or brutal, but maybe he's already shut the door? It sounds like it to me.

Speaking only for myself now, I was where you are now when I met and married my stbxWW. I had been without companionship for so long that when The Leopard came into my life it was a dream come true.

Now I'm older and once again 'on the outside looking in.' But you know what? I refuse to let myself be brought down by her betrayal, miserable behavior and hurtful words. Although not a religious man, I choose to believe that God didn't bring me this far just to drop me. I will come out of this stronger, healthier and wiser.

You can, too.

Fred_in_VA,
Not brutal at all. You may be right and, unfortunately, that may be what it takes. I would prefer it not be that way - me lonely and begging and him off with a new woman.

I have to say that I have had so many opportunities, including recent ones, to resume a relationship with him and, even now, I truly believe that it would not be too late to do that but, to what end?

That's the rub. I have no doubt that I could "get him back" but, what do I have if I succeed? Someone I don't trust, someone whose children I don't really like and someone whose life is filled with drama that I don't need.

So why do I keep on with this? That's the part that's the worst of all. I know deep down that I don't really want him in my life because I haven't put him back there but could if I wanted to.

Someone recently said that there won't be anyone else in my life until I shut the door and move on. My problem is shutting the door and keeping it shut.

life2short, in many ways you remind me of myself (except that I don't think I could "get her back" if I wanted to). There's nothing healthy in having her back; there is already too much baggage there without the additional trust and betrayal issues. The feelings I have are, I think, actually my brain trying to heal itself.

In a meeting a few weeks ago I said that I had been emotionally brutalized and psychologically battered. Just like physical injuries, time is needed to heal the wounds. I still wake up and the first thing on my mind is her. I don't know why -- I don't remember my dreams, so I can't figure out why she's still "renting space" in my head.

But every time I feel triggered, I get just a little stronger. "NO!" I say to myself (sometimes even aloud!) And I find myself thinking of things that I would not want back in my life: the massive debt, her inability to parent her children, and now the distrust and wondering: is she doing it again?

There are too many people telling me that I will survive, that I will get through this, and that better days are ahead for me to imagine that they are all wrong and that my happy days and life are over.

One day at a time, they say. Even when I hate it, there is no other way.

Fred_in_VA,
You are apparently much more emotionally healthy than I am. I imagine my comment about being able to get my XH back if I wanted to came across as bragging and I didn't mean for it to. I just meant that we have had multiple conversations over the last 4 years about getting back together and the last one was just a few weeks ago.
I'm not at all happy with where I am because I'm not really anywhere. I'm legally divorced but not emotionally divorced. I'm not married yet very emotionally tied to my XH.
I don't go to my old church so as not to hurt or anger him (yet he talks to OW's daughter). I have some thoughts that there may be something going on w/one of his clients right now. Just things that don't add up and she always is brought up in just about every conversation we have.
I don't trust him sitting two feet away from me and I don't know how I could trust him out of my sight. I know deep down that our marriage would never really work and that apart for us is best but there are times (like this morning) that I have real meltdowns and miss him so much.
I shared so much of myself with him that I have never shared w/anyone. Of course he strategically used that to his advantage during fights!!
I want a healthy relationship, only I'm not healthy myself and would probably not attract someone who is.
I wish there was a pill or a magic solution that would instantaneously "heal" me but there isn't.
I should be so much farther down the road of healing than what I am and I am the only one that can take me down that road.
I feel like I've wasted so much of my life that I will never get back. I just knew that he was the one. I was in church, living as I should and his cousin (who was dating my niece) introduced us. There was an instantaneous ease where him being around my DD was concerned b/c of the connection. We liked so much of the same things, same weird foods, same ideas about money, etc. (or so I thought).
There's just such a deep ache in my heart for what might have been but can never be.
I've heard it said before that death is so much easier than divorce and I understand that now. A friend at work lost her fiance unexpectedly about a month before Christmas. Her pain is so real but, she doesn't have to see him or wonder where he is or who he is with. She doesn't have to pass him on the road or want to be with him but can't b/c of all that has happened. Death is final and there's no going back. With divorce, you live with the would've/could've/should'ves.

Life2short, I wish I had a magic potion or spell that could "cure" you and make you whole again. I do not. All I have are words of encouragement and hope.

In a way it's ironic. You are where I was seven years ago. Age-wise, and emotionally. At 52 I thought I was never going to find "someone." I had spent the previous 12 years single, getting my life and career together, and working on being the best person I could be. I frequently wondered why I saw others pair up but never me. I never seemed to attract women I was attracted to, and vice versa.

Just when I thought I'd had the one shot in life, along came the woman with whom I would fall in love, who loved me, and we became in her words, "each others' best champions." Not seven years later she broke my heart and here I am.

What's different now is that I have learned I *wasn't* the bad guy. It wasn't my fault she lowered her boundaries and standards. I'm still the person I was before she ripped my heart out. But she only wounded me, she did not kill me.

I am damn well determined to pick up and live my life again. One of the things I managed to do in the 12 year "drought" I lived was to make a pretty good life for myself. I gave up the deadly vices (drinking, smoking), became healthy, focused on my career, became responsible, and did a lot of things to enrich my life. I did it once and I can do it again.

The one thing I came very close to doing is losing myself in someone else. Is that where you are? I allowed myself to not only ignore the warning signs that were right in front of me, but I also put aside my own emotional needs and became a "vehicle" for her pursuits and desires. If that's co-dependency, then I became the poster child for it!

I didn't want it to work out this way. Oh, how I cried. I lost weight on the "infidelity diet." I still don't sleep as well as I used to (I named my story very appropriately). But I'm alive. And already I'm finding that life doesn't care whether I'm happy or not, whether I participate or not. It's going to go on one way or the other.

My life is still good. I'm very healthy for my age (the back problem is my only concern) - I'm ramping up to run my eighth marathon this year - My bills are paid and everything on the outside hasn't changed. I refuse to let this ruin my inside.

OK, I'm rambling. I apologize. My point was that happiness is an inside job. If someone has the power over me to make me happy or sad then I GAVE THEM THAT POWER. On another thread today I wrote one of the affirmations I use to remind myself of the after-effects of this disaster:

She gave up more to be with him than I lost.

She and I both have to live that.

L2S,
I think you've already answered your own questions. I wonder why it is so easy to see in others what is hard to see when you're in it? Maybe it's denial. You are wanting something that you know isn't good for you. I'm sorry you've been to so many counselors and it hasn't helped you but you haven't outgrown the need for help, please get some. If not for yourself, for your daughter...she needs to see a healthy strong mom who makes positive choices, not one that is destroying herself...and you are. I empathize with you, but empathy isn't what you need...a swift boot in the right direction is.
Believe in yourself and make only choices that are GOOD for you, starting today.
Kay