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No, I haven't told any of my friends... WH friends all know, but he just doesnt have contact with them anymore. No one in my family knows either. The A ended on D-day, before I found MB and heard of "exposing"...but in our case, I just think it would hurt my family to find out...
You sure seem distanced from your family.
WH had dinner planned last nite...friends called and invited us out, I just should have said no...one close friend is VERY suspicious of why I fired OW...all our friends and family knew OW very well because we brought her everywhere with us and I really depended on her alot, SO of course a lot of questions when I fire the person who I always said "made my life so much easier"
Unless they are as pathological as your H's friends.
You need a close support system.
Some of your anger comes from feeling like you must betray others to keep your WH's dirty secrets.
You must feel, deep down, that you are living a lie. And this makes you mad as hell.
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and keeps you there.
"Family/friend, I need your support.
WH had an affair with the nanny. It lasted X number of months. The affair ended the day it was discovered.
We are working with a marriage counselor, hoping to put our lives back together. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I may ask for your help in the future, please be there when I ask for it."You can leave out the gruesome details.
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I am not ready to talk to my parents and siblings about this...we live hundreds of miles away from them...I don't understand how telling them at this point (while WH and I are trying to figure it out) would do anything but hurt more people. Obviously if WH leaves, then that would be a different story...
My understanding of the concept of exposure was to end any opportunities for A to happen, not letting WH have any resources, etc...(i.e. if everyone knows about PA, it would be more difficult for WH to carry it on) But I am certain of NC...so what does exposure do at this point?
I did a quick search of the Harley's Q&A and couldn't find it...I will look thru the books after I get the little ones down for nap time.
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I am not ready to talk to my parents and siblings about this...we live hundreds of miles away from them...I don't understand how telling them at this point (while WH and I are trying to figure it out) would do anything but hurt more people. Obviously if WH leaves, then that would be a different story...
My understanding of the concept of exposure was to end any opportunities for A to happen, not letting WH have any resources, etc...(i.e. if everyone knows about PA, it would be more difficult for WH to carry it on) But I am certain of NC...so what does exposure do at this point?
I did a quick search of the Harley's Q&A and couldn't find it...I will look thru the books after I get the little ones down for nap time.
My H had to speak to my parents, himself. Without me. And apologize.
If he had not made this step, I would have lost all respect for him.
I could never respect a man who was counting on me to hide his secrets for him.
I could never remain married to a man I did not respect.
I'm just sayin' ....
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Exposure makes sure that your WH is influenced by people who can be sure that he is held accountable for his actions.
EXPOSE NOW! You are only hurting yourself and allowing your WH to spin the story to his/your family if you DON'T!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Pepper,
I haven't told any of my friends because I just don't want to talk about it. It would not be as simple as laying out the facts, there would be questions and everyone trying to put two and two together...AND what if our friends were discussing it, their kids overheard something and our kids found out...I don't know, it just seems like more than I can deal with right now and I want to keep it in my hands until I figure out what to do with it. I just don't want to think about it snowballing.
I haven't told my family because I don't see the point. It would hurt my parents terribly...they would want to talk to me and WH...it would just be more than I can deal with right now. If we lived near each other and I saw them every day, I think I would feel differently. But I live far away, and its just one less thing I have to deal with.
BUT, there is a part of me that is angry because he is still the "perfect husband" in our little circle, so you nailed that one. HOWEVER, what I struggle with, is this: short-term, there is a petty-side to me that would like our friends to take my side and be angry with him...but long-term I'm just not sure that I want everyone to know our personal business.
The fact that I am blabbing my personal life all over internet-land notwithstanding, I am a very, very private person.
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HBH,
I'm sorry about the awful night. Those triggers can be a B*&%#!!!! They will lessen over time. The key is to try and figure how to handle them when the DO occur. Steve will help you with this...
I really do think you should see your Dr. The ramifications of what you are dealing with will catch up with your physical help eventually. If you get a jump start on it NOW, you can lessen the impact that it will have on you.
YOu seem like a very confident, strong, and successful woman. You may "think" it is a failure not to be able to handle this, but its not. It is not a sign of weakness to get help. It is a sure sign of strength. You may not even need AD's. Many on here do not, but I would leave that up to YOU and your Dr. to decide. Even if you elect to not take them now (and probably your Dr. will help you with other ways to handle the stress first....), at least your Dr. will know what is going on and will better able to monitor what you may or may not need in the future.
How is your appetite?.....Are you losing weight??? If your not, I would be surprised. Around here, we call this the "Affair Diet".
Anyway, I hope the rest of your weekend is some what peaceful. I would suggest staying away from all affair, marriage, and relationship talk until your appt. with Steve. Rehashing at this point is rather detrimental anyway.
Oh, and talk to Steve about possibly attending the weekend. Maybe he can bring it up to WH and then you won't have to.....
not2fun
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If he had not made this step, I would have lost all respect for him. That ship has sailed...  But, WH would "come clean" so to speak, if I would allow it...I am adamantly against it. He suggested it again last nite after dinner. When I do talk to my family, the PA is never mentioned...its actually a relief to NOT have to talk about it, or how I'm doing, or how WE are doing...I don't know...maybe I am just wired differently. I can honestly say that I wish NO ONE knew. It is humiliating.
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Exposure is number one for ending any chance at rekindling the affair. You are setting yourself up for failure if you DO NOT expose!
It would be humiliating for OW too if you exposed and then everyone would know what a tramp she was for sleeping with a MM!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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You may "think" it is a failure not to be able to handle this, but its not. not2fun I actually said to WH a couple of days ago "this (marriage) is the only thing I've ever failed". Of course, WH says he failed, not me. But it was a joint venture... Thanks for the support  Looking forward to a drama-free weekend....
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If he had not made this step, I would have lost all respect for him. That ship has sailed... But, WH would "come clean" so to speak, if I would allow it...I am adamantly against it. He suggested it again last nite after dinner.
Interesting ......
..... and not in a good way.
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I actually said to WH a couple of days ago "this (marriage) is the only thing I've ever failed". Of course, WH says he failed, not me. He is quite right ya know.......THIS is NOT your failure. No matter WHAT you did or didn't do in the marriage, this is 100% on him. You are not doing him or yourself any favors by taking any of the blame. It lies solely on him.......do not assign blame where it does not belong.... not2fun ps.....I'm refraining on speaking my opinion on the telling others at this time, but I did want to ask you..... since, you are not comfortable talking to others about this, and even feel that being on here is out of the norm for you, how DOES talking about it on here make you feel? Just curious
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Yes, Pepper, I guess I am  Which doesn't seem to be a good thing from the posts I am reading...I will talk to Steve about it Monday in our session. I just REALLY do not want to answer questions right now and I can't see how telling aging parents helps anything. Aren't spouses supposed to be each other's confidants? If its something very private and hurtful to me, why is it not ok that I don't want to share it with friends and family? I do understand what Karma is saying...BUT those people (OWH and family, and friends and co-workers from old home town) already know because we did expose to them. The people who do not know lives hundreds of miles from OW and will never see her again or have contact with her, since I wont be bringing her "home for christmas".
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Yes, Pepper, I guess I am
Or, is that too frightening a thought?
I'm beginning to sense you need your anger as some sort of protection against the risk of increased intimacy.
Or,I could be full'a'crap. Wouldn't be the first time.
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[quote=hurt_but_hopeful]
since, you are not comfortable talking to others about this, and even feel that being on here is out of the norm for you, how DOES talking about it on here make you feel? Just curious I thank God for MB and this forum....I say it very often when I post...THANK YOU TO STRANGERS WHO LISTEN...
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Went to dinner tonite with friends...TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER
I am seriously considering hynoptism....has anyone out there tried this???? I just simply do not want to think about this PA 24/7...I can't even carry on a normal conversation... I went to a hypnotherapist about 2 years after D Day. It made an enormous difference to my obsessing and sleeping badly. I highly recommend it. I live in London, so I cannot recommend my therapist to you, though! Make sure you go to someone who is a member of a recognised professional body in your state.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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HBH, I recognise you're very reluctant to expose your private business publicly.
Have you asked yourself - deeply and honestly - why you don't want people to know?
How important is it to you to maintain the public image of being a perfect success? Would the break-up of the marriage knock that image? If so, how much is that affecting your decision-making?
I get the sense that you're conflicted between 1)the repair of the marriage - which would mean being vulnerable, and having the courage to let the marriage be something other than you planned, and 2) having to maintain a successful front at all costs - which would make it almost impossible to rebuild the emotional core of the marriage.
What do you think?
TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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HBH,
Please re-read Pep's posts to you. It is my opinion that the only way that you will really get through (notice I didn't say past) this is if you are open and honest with your loved ones. Keeping your WH's dirty little secret will eat away at you and the uncomfortableness you feel around friends and family will turn to resentment at WH for putting you in this position. The best way forward is the the truth. Just because you tell these folks doesn't mean that you have to talk about it ad nauseum.
I'll bet dollars to donuts that they already know or strongly suspect anyway. Look at it objectively. You fired a long-time 'trusted' nanny and picked-up and suddenly moved away from a community where you had a thriving business. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to put two and two together on that one. What did you tell your family about moving? Surely they asked? Whatever you told them was undoutedly a lie or a severe bending of the truth and once again, you will deeply resent WH for putting you in the position of lying to friends and family to hide his dirty little secret.
Please think about what I'm saying and Pep as well. You don't need to decide this minute. If you decide to recover with WH lying and secrecy will severely hamper your efforts in my opinion. I realize it's hard. Telling my friends and family about my WW was very difficult as well because I am a very private person just like you. But, I did it and I look back now and know it was the right thing to do.
Mindshare
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HBH, I recognise you're very reluctant to expose your private business publicly.
Have you asked yourself - deeply and honestly - why you don't want people to know? 1) Because I'm humiliated...I absolutely HATE it that my office staff knows our personal business...my family and friends do not and I (absent triggers from dinner last nite) enjoy talking to them. My sister called tonite, there was no talk of drama...just sister talk and I enjoyed it. Friend from dinner called just now, there was no talk of drama...and I enjoyed it 2) Because I don't know how this is going to play out a. if WH leaves, then obiviously I will tell the ugly truth b. if WH stays, then I have to decide how to handle it long-term (I'm not saying I will NEVER tell...its just that once it is out there, you cant unring that bell) 3) Because I am very private...I havent told one "girlfriend" about this...the ONLY people that know are people that OWH and WH exposed to...I don't like talking about personal things with anyone other than WH....its not just the PA...I have never once called a girlfriend, sister or mom to say "had a bad day ,needed to talk"...just not me How important is it to you to maintain the public image of being a perfect success? Would the break-up of the marriage knock that image? If so, how much is that affecting your decision-making? It is VERY important to me...not the "image" but being the real deal. I am by no means perfect, but I have led a goal-oriented life and I am proud of the person I am, decisions I've made and life I've lived. Of course, a divorce definitely doesnt fit into the plan I had for my life. BUT, that's not what my decision is based on...because for me, the damage is already done. My decision is based on my children...they are all under 5. If WH and I can pull this together, I feel that would be the best for the kids. If we had no children, I would not choose this marriage. Its just that simple. MC told me that marriages "for the kids" rarely work. I'm not buying that. Everything I had read here shows that M can be repaired if the work is done. I'm just saying I wouldn't do the work if there were not kids involved. But there are, so I am.
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What did you tell your family about moving? ...that I am starting a new business in new city, which we did... Please think about what I'm saying and Pep as well. You don't need to decide this minute. Believe me when I say that I take everything I read on MB to heart..I go back and re-read these posts...the decisions I make regarding this M are the most critical decisions I will ever make in my life because they will shape my childrens' lives forever. I am just VERY CAUTIOUS about doing anything that I can't "take back" until I see how this unfolds. Thanks again for the advice and support.
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No, I haven't told any of my friends...WH friends all know, but he just doesnt have contact with them anymore. No one in my family knows either. The A ended on D-day, before I found MB and heard of "exposing"...but in our case, I just think it would hurt my family to find out...only a few male members (high-fivers  know) of his family know... WH had dinner planned last nite...friends called and invited us out, I just should have said no...one close friend is VERY suspicious of why I fired OW...all our friends and family knew OW very well because we brought her everywhere with us and I really depended on her alot, SO of course a lot of questions when I fire the person who I always said "made my life so much easier" ICK ICK ICK Tell them what the skank did to you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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