Have been trying to cope with the A for 3 months. Before I found this site, I thought I was too demanding on my terms but I find them all in this forum as a means to fix the marriage.
Briefly about the A: am 52 yo, married 28 yrs; with problem concieving, early tests shows he has a problem, I passed my patency test. We have adopted daughter 22yo. H and daughter asked to come to try life in the States but he continued his profession and attended to family business back home. He would fly in regularly staying for 2 months and out for 1. A started in 2006, 1 year after we left our home country. ( who knows if it was before that) this is the year he admits to. H says he hoped to have his own offspring that's why he had A with his secretary. OW left place of work but H looked for her when told child was his and even offered her to work for family business while he was out of the country. All these time his communicating with her I thought was legit as per secretary duties not knowing it was more than that. He says it was one-night-stand and all communication was business after that. I dont believe that because he looked for her and of course it will entail more personal conversations and that is what I saw in the text messages which made me suspicious. I never checked text messages or emails before. Gave him full trust but now that is gone.
How can there be repair on the marriage if he continues to have OW work for him? How about OC? I agreed to financial support but all communication has to go through me but H refuses because to tell OW that will "cause them to go further away". I dont care if they go further away that's what I want but I guess he is still hooked on them. I even offered to adopt OC but he says OW will not agree. I wanted to meet with OW to make sure everyone is on the same page - but H says she refused and H didn't make any effort to let us meet when I went back to my home country
H tells me he loves me and never stopped loving me; never thought of leaving us- that his pride caused him to make a mistake and now he is paying for it. How? when he continues to connect with them? now he has put lock on his phone and changed his email password. H says he does this not to shut me out but because he doesn't want others to look over his shoulders...
I find this very frustrating and find myself wanting to leave but I do love him - if only he will leave that part of his life behind? Is that ever possible?
I want to believe him when he says it is over with OW and only concern is OC - yet I think he is still involved one way or the other. I asked him to sell the business to stay here permanently but nothing yet. I dont want to go back home because OW will be there and more accessible for him to see them?
Christmas and New Year was really bad and to top it all I would say he forgot our anniversary because he didn't bother to greet me and when I mentioned it he said he had plans - but by that time I was upset already with him...
since this A finances became difficult. I checked accounts and they seem to be intact but there is one account that's new and I cant acceess
I hope to get my marriage fixed - I hope someone out there can help?

He's changing his passwords because he doesn't want you seeing how he writes notes to the OW, etc.

You must tell him that you will require all passwords, etc, before you can trust him again.

Mandatory DNA test.

NC with OW.

Expose this affair.

WH can't live away from you any more.

((((Distanced))))

I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am in somewhat a similar situation as you EXCEPT my H is not emotionally attached to OW and it was just a drunken ONS. An OC was conceived in my sitch. We are currently NC with OW/OC and I hope it stays that way forever. Dr. Harley recommends complete NC with OW/OC although there are some BS's that make it work. I, for one, cannot. I did meet with OW soon after birth of OC. To date, she has not come after us for anything. We have not heard from her or OC since mid Oct. 09. We are, however, putting money aside in case she comes knocking.

I suspect my H and your H feel about the same way regarding OC. I would've adopted OC, but OW said no. H would prefer to have a R with OC, but I cannot allow this and stay in the M. It's way too painful (I am the reason we cannot conceive). He feels like he is abandoning OC. But it's really the best and the least nuclear fallout for all involved. The situation really, really sucks, but your H has to make a choice and decide what's best for all involved, knowing that there will be hurt no matter what he chooses.

Feel free to join us on the "pregnancy from A" board.

Dr.Harley has a book Surviving an Affair ....

Reading it will help you

Once you start reading it you won't be able to put it down and almost all the advice you get here follows Dr. Harley's plan in his book ....

It gave me hope after reading it because I could see how his plan might work in the disaster I was living in.....

You are in the right place I know you need people to lean on right now and they are right here......

tried often to make him see keeping password is keeping secrets and marriage has no room for secrets . Still not sinking in his head. Preparing another message for WH today with the same reminder NC, open password etc hoping for a change. I try not to put a deadline but I know I cant keep hoping forever, fearful that our being together is just for appearances

Initially WH refused DNA test when I asked but when asked by counsellor he agreed. Asked WH not to open results if ready till we are together - hoping for negative results since that will make recovery easier. working on exposure considering when school is up so as not to upset my daughter too much. last sem -that's just 2 months away I think I can survive another 60 days. I thought if results are negative no need to tell her?

Couple of things:


I don't understand how he can conceive a child. Was his sperm count minimal?

Second: Secret passwords equals secret life. Get and READ Surviving an Affair ASAP.

Larry

Thank you so much. I am thankful for finding this site, I guess my Guardian angel brought me here. Trying to find the right way to save the marriage even if I have to bear with my in-laws as I share house with them. When my daughter is done with school I will then have enough to pay my own rent.
WH says he is not emotionally involved with OW... But to say take care and see you soon -for me means there is more than just OC concerns.
WH was my best friend before A, now feels like just another person beside me? Hoping for WH to permanently stay beside me and not away....

yes, low sperm count, even had medications but no change and that's why I asked immediately for DNA which WH initially refused. waiting for results. was WH so lost he never thought that impossible? or am I just so cynical now? will get book today- I read through it at site and I really appreciate it

Distanced.........I ditto the DNA test. I have another friend who's H cheated and had low sperm count....guess what? You guessed it! OW conceived and delivered a healthy baby. The wife says the OW got the one lucky sperm. DNA confirmed it was the WH's. So, you never can be certain unless you get a DNA test.

so afraid that may be true and that lucky sperm went the wrong way. but still hoping for something better out of all these . thank you all for giving something better to do on valentines day and still hoping this distance will narrow down