I want to have at least a nice day out with the family today. I WILL expose whenever i get back home. It won't make any difference whether I expose now, or expose after I get home later. Odd thing is... she was on her facebook last night and never replied to his message. I don't know if she just didn't see that he wrote her or what...

And turtle i heard that by her looking at his pics etc it will just take longer to get through withdrawls. I cannot stop her from looking at pics of him etc... I can however block her internet access altogether.

Should I confront my WS about the contact? because as of now she has not contacted him back, it's not to say she won't and if she does I will probably block her internet access and tell her to keep the A out of our marital home.

This would be great BTW

You are just at the beginning of this and I hope you find enough strength to fight for your marriage before you D. Now it makes sense how shes acting way foggy/wayward.

We can help you thru it and MB can help you through it also. Thats what the vets are saying. You have to trust them and do the plans.
TTYL Jon

Its seems that you are starting to get it Jon. You sound like you are going to act according to her actions and not what she thinks, feels.

I would defer to other vets about what you should do if she contacts OM. I still beleive you should prepare yourself financially anyway.
Tell me, is it even possible to do colledge while she is acting this way? When homelife is messed up it effects most people. I had some good jobs and oportunity get messed up in my life from that stuff.

Stay in Plan A untill other get back to you on this. It might take untill monday for all to weigh in because its the weekend and things slow down on the forums.

Whatever you do, don't react, act. When you act its because you have a plan and when you react its out of emotions. You have nothing to fear if SHE acts stupid. Just keep records.

Hang loose Jon

Jon,

Take control of yourself and your life and STOP BEING AFRAID OF HER ANGER!

Block facebook through the router.

It's easy. Go into the router, write in the address for FB, and have it blocked in the security settings.

Done.

Stop being afraid of her. Piss her off and act like you could care less.

Remember, you're taking control of your life and the situation and you, as a man, will not allow her to disrespect you anymore in your own home.

If she wants to talk to him on FB, then she can find someplace else to do it.

ok guys, heres the latest.
I got brave today when she was in the shower and i got all worked up and couldn't help myself. I sent her a message that said "I am thinking about your wet naked body coming out of the shower and I can't help myself, I want to lay you down and *explicitness* I know I don't normally talk to you like this but I can't help myself right now."
she wrote back and said "Jon I'm sorry, but you know how i feel whether you want to believe it or not....I don't want to have this conversation via text but there is nothing there for me anymore and i can't make myself feel something i don't...I don't know how to make you see that....sorry." I wrote back and said "ok, I wast just thinking about you wet and naked and it got me all worked up :)"
The thing is guys, I don't care to do stuff like this anymore... I mean what am I going to lose? It took ALOT of nerve for me to send that text to her. I feel like the man right now
Anyways still no word on whether or not there has been contact from her to the OM yet.

I'm going to depart from the typical MB mantra of expose, but I have a specific reason for it, so hang with me for a minute before anybody gets their shorts in a wad.



I would challenge her about the pictures and stuff and make it clear that recovery can't happen as long as a third person is in your marriage, even in her dreams.

Do NOT go to her and tell her "We need to talk" and then go into some dissertation about how the LB$ works or about how she is wrong or about how unhappy you are and so she needs to change, yada-yada-yada...

Global exposure is a weapon against the affair. If the affair has ended, select people might need to be informed for future protection of the marriage, but global exposure would likely be seen as revenge and an act of retribution. Yeah, family will need to know so that you can get support as you begin working on problems that will show their heads in recovery and close friends might need to get brought up to speed. OM's wife or GF in any case should know about even a long dead affair, IMO, but I am not so certain an affair that is ended, even very recently and the wayward is still in withdrawal from OP needs global exposure.

There have been some who have gotten this kind of advice from SH and Jennifer, BTW, so I'm not traveling entirely new ground here. If in doubt, call the coaching center for advice which I still think is the best advice you could get over all. Getting it from the real experts cannot be replaced by situational ethics of anyone, even someone who has experienced the pain of infidelity and recovered from it.

I am 150% for exposure as a weapon, but in recovery we have to put down the weapons if we hope to ever reconcile. Peace talks require a truce.

But continued contact needs to be addressed and should be addressed directly and not covertly. Even incidental contact can be a set back but sitting looking at pictures all day is hardly incidental whether OM emails and she replies or not.

Maybe rather than an effort to make her understand, the answer lies in getting straight to the point of asking her point blank if she is still daydreaming about him. If she says she is not, then challenge why she is looking at his pictures, without malice and without DJs or AOs. Explain that languishing for him is not going to help her or you in the long run and that you'd like her to give the marriage a real try, understanding that there is always time to get a divorce if a plan of reconciliation cannot be found (you know it has already been found, but she doesn't have to know that yet) and that only a real effort at it is fair to either of you. If things don't work, you can always divorce but if you miss a chance to fix this and "save our family, we might both regret it later."

Now, it has to be in your words and has to be practiced and well considered before dropping a bomb on the whole day, but at this point you really only have two choices, the gentle approach or blow things up and see where the dust settles. I would rather err on the side of gentle persuasion before going for nuclear holocaust at this stage.

DURING the affair, blow it to pieces!

After the affair, go easy on global exposure, even if exposure didn't happen before the affair ended.

Selective exposure, done together for the purpose of seeking help to repair the damage probably needs to happen. Billboards beside the freeway...maybe not.

JMO and even I would suggest waiting for other opinions before pulling any triggers. Hard to get shots back and unlike most golf games, you don't get many Mulligans at this stuff.

Best bet of all would be to call Steve or Jennifer for an appointment and get the best advice money can buy. Sometimes you tend to get what you're paying for.

Mark

Early today you said you're:


Then later you say:

You know why you're in this up-and-down pattern? Because you lack a clearly defined plan. You'd be anticipating your WW's moves and have predetermined responses to her actions - not trying to react on the spot to her. Most of her moves are predictable so this is not as hard as you may think.

I encourage you to set your boundaries. Think about what you consider unacceptable behavior from your spouse and how far you are willing to go to protect yourself from it. Hint: when it comes to A related behavior "all bets are off"

So you post a brainstorm of specific action in the face of situations like:

- WW misuse of FB
- WW sulking and crying over OM
- WW mentioning D
- WW saying that there's nothing left between you
- OM contacting WW
- WW contacting OM
- WW going out with her friends leaving you to babysit

I think you said that you are a step-by-step kind of guy. It could be beneficial for you to have an instruction manual so you don't get flapped around by her actions. Pick the brain of the folks around here to make this plan. Then you just follow through with the set of defined instructions.

Thoughts?

--ElCamino72

Agree completely with hepthelostdads. Block FB. No muss, no fuss.

When she whines about it tell her that you won�t support her affair within your home. That FB can come back when the two of you can come to an agreement that her affair has ended and you�re going to work on the marriage.

ya, I am not going to tolerate ANY A related nonsense in our marital home. Today she came with us to the B-day party I mentioned and she hung out with my mom's side of the family, let me tell you the TENSION was HIGH.

It was very ackward for everyone to be around her because ALL my family knows what she done, but my WS was nice and helped out with the party. Then we had agreed to go to my dad's for the B-day party here. My WS had agreed to go, but as we were driving there (We drove seperate because at the last minute she had to work over an extra hour LOL...) She called me and said it was just way too ackward and she was not comfortable enough to go, I said "alright" and hung up the phone because I was furious and didn't want to say anything bad. so she kept calling me back over and over and I wouldn't answer, then she sent me a text that said
"look, I realize your angry and I'm sorry... I will keep the kids all day tomorrow and you can go do whatever you want". Then right after that she sent me a text saying she was going to go out to town to the bookstore etc... I didn't reply to either one.

Once again, I get home from the B-day party she is gone, so I put the kids to bed by myself...... I still haven't contacted her since I hung up on her.

El Camino, your right, I need a predetermained set of actions I need to perform for each of her Ws actions as you said.
- WW misuse of FB
- WW sulking and crying over OM
- WW mentioning D
- WW saying that there's nothing left between you
- OM contacting WW
- WW contacting OM
- WW going out with her friends leaving you to babysit

Guys help me come up with something for each of these.
She still has not read the message from the OM in her FB yet.
She responds to me more when she thinks I"m "angry" with her. If I don't pay attention to her, she tries her best to talk to me.

She apologizes constantly. I fully realize I don't NEED her, and thats the attitude I have now and I think she is starting to see that. Today is my day to "go out" but it's V-day and most of my friends already have plans plus I am sick now. Me and the WS have been playing with the kids all day and they are all taking a nap right now, including my WS.

Jon,


What you need is a set of actions you can preform no matter what she does or says.

That's how a game plan works. It is what YOU do, not in response to what she does, just simply what you are going to do to accomplish preset goals.

Everything you do has to point to your goal.

The process has to support the goal.

If you react to her and what she is doing, you are not doing things for the purpose of achieving the goal but to counter what she is doing. It takes your focus off the goal.

Mark

Jon,

Goodness. The similarities in our behavior are uncanny.

I too did the suggestive messages and things.

I look back in shame at those things. Why?

Because I deserved better.

Seriously.....get to a point where you literally don't care what she does with your life. Carry on with yours.

You are on Plan Doormat. I was there. I did that plan. Got me nowhere.

Show some testosterone because that is EXACTLY what you will wish you had done once the BS fog lifts.

This woman doesn't deserve an ounce of your attention. SHE is the one who is lucky you haven't kicked her out. SHE is the one that is lucky to have you in her life. SHE is the one who should be seeking your forgiveness and attention.

She wants to go clubbing? By all means. Tell her that if she does she will come home and her stuff will be on the porch. YOU will not be disrespected and YOU WILL NOT be a babysitting service for her to act like a single woman. Certainly not while you are her husband.

Man up. Quit sulking, weeping, and seeking her attention. Act aloof and cool as ice. Think James Bond, Bruce Lee, or Mr. Spock.

Those were all men who kept their cool, took action only when necessary, and certainly weren't going to be the ones chasing after an uncaring, cheating woman who didn't give two cents about them.

Take ownership of your manhood. It's sorely gone. I know because i was there.

A bit off-topic, but I doubt Mr. Spock would go after anyone romantically in the first place.

I agree with everything else you said though.

Unfortunatly women do not like un-cool and winy men.
You seem to be a very caring and loving person and very patient but these qualities are wasted on your WW. You need to protect yourself from her abuse. She is taking advantage.
blessing

What do you mean the suggestive messages and things? Should i just ignore her and move on with my life? because it's when I ignore her that she is the nicest to me and craves my attention the most. I am to the point where I really don't care what she does as long as it's not disrespectful towards me or the kids.

I still don't know how she will react to him sending that message, I know she still hasn't seen it. To be honest I really don't care how she reacts, and she doesn't do anything disrespectful towards me, when she is looking at his pics on FB etc.. she stays in her room where I can't see her.

The sooner she files the sooner I can go to plan B, I really think it's going to take her losing me to realize how good I really was. I do still love her, but I don't NEED her. She stayed home with the kids today and I slept in, when I woke up me and the WS played with the kids together for awhile then I told both of the kids bye and didn't even say bye to her. She sent me a pic of the kids and normally I would have sent her a text back but I am still ignoring her.

Her and the kids made a card for her mamaw today and I told her that was really thoughtful and she was really creative in the way she made the card.

Also, I'm not taking up for her, but she doesn't go out clubbing. She doesn't drink etc.. when she goes out she goes with her 2 best friends that are all for saving our M. She goes to the movies, or out shopping etc... and most the time she goes out the kids are already in bed asleep so I don't have to actually watch them, but sometimes I am the one that puts them to bed etc.

Maybe if these "friends" were so supportive of saving your marriage, they'd not keep pulling her away from it so often.

last night while she was out and she knew i wasn't talking to her after she bailed on me she sent me a text that said
"just so you know... I've been driving around for awhile trying to clear my head, went to the mall and a couple of book stores etc... I'm sure you are still angry but I have been so stressed out lately I can barely function... I am at "friends" now.. I may stay but I will be home early so you can go wherever you want" I called the "friend" and it turns out she really was there, but I had to talk to her anyway so it didn't look like I was calling just to verify if my WS was there.