Joan,

We are now 15 months past D-day, and things are going quite well. And I can tell you that I've finally accepted that I'll never understand the "why". Ever.

As for your H's attitude, I can give insight -- from both sides of the equation.

20 years ago, I got drunk and committed the unforgivable and had an ONS. My W was out of town, in the middle of a three-week stretch where we were apart, which enabled my stupidity. The next morning, I felt self-loathing that took over a decade to even BEGIN to subside, and that only happened because I kept my promise to myself to never let it happen again. I would take a Roman Bath before I would ever allow myself to commit that kind of atrocity again.

I kept it secret until my W confessed to her A. I told her the next day, and even given her actions (a PA that lasted a year and a half) the shame I felt was unabated.

We went through all kinds of hell dealing with the aftermath of her A, and I feel safe in saying that there won't be a repeat.

Yes, we're meeting ENs, we're trying not to LB, there's plenty of UA time and all the rest of what's recommended. But that's not why I feel confident that neither of us will ever do anything even remotely like this ever again.

It has nothing to do with our love for each other, which was always strong and is what allowed us to begin and proceed with R at record pace, considering.

It has to do with our image of ourselves. Neither one of us can believe that we committed the sins that we did. And the worst part of it was that we committed those sins against OURSELVES. We allowed ourselves to act in ways we always despised.

I will never be "that kind of guy" ever again. And she feels the same way about herself. The pain of what happened will never be forgotten. The wounds will heal, and the scars will fade, but the memories will help keep us on the straight and narrow.

I WILL NOT LOWER MYSELF TO THAT LEVEL EVER AGAIN.

EVER. I REFUSE. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

And that is the best insurance policy there is when it comes to affair-proofing a marriage.

If you consider that the first betrayal in the chain is the betrayal of one's self - the act of betraying other people seems less difficult in terms of how all of the dominoes fall when it comes to any sin.

First, you have to convince yourself that it is okay to do it - which is the first betrayal, the betrayal of yourself, your own morals, the person inside of yourself.

We start at a single moment in time - a snap of a second, when we say inside "this isn't the right thing to do", but we want it anyway. We just want that "thing" so badly, that we are willing to betray that voice that says "NO", and at that one snap moment...

We betray ourselves. And then, we begin to justify to ourselves the many "reasons" why it is OKAY to do whatever it is that we know is wrong to do.

From there on, we have set our course. The rest of the betrayals aren't so hard. We've already decided, and begun the blame game - we've already begun justifying and blaming, in order to get what we want. Sure, we know it is wrong, but that moment is now gone.

We are dead set on the wrong path, and it won't make any difference now.



Anyone who has had an affair, or committed a crime, or done something knowingly to hurt another person knows this point - this moment.

And they know the blaming.


That's what the remorse is about. Because they KNOW that moment, when they could have listened to the voice, they could have turned back from this path. And they chose to run full steam ahead, everyone else be dam&*ed.

That's the remorse.


Some of us learn from the mistake.

Others do not ever admit the betrayal - of the self, of the spouse, of anyone. These people repeat the offense, and end up losing it all, or they end up never recovering the marriage.


Look deeply at your H. Ask him about that "moment". If he doesn't recognize it - get him this book:

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the box (by The Arbinger Institute)

If he doesn't recognize the moment after reading the book, you will know your future.

Schoolbus

AheadOfTheCurve,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I am beginning to believe that I will probably never have an answer to why.
Your feelings sound very similar to what my H has told me. He is so sure it will never happen again. I am hopeful that he is right.

Schoolbus,
Thank you for your thoughts and the suggestion for the book.

bump

I totally understand how you feel. You sound exactly like me, I've felt and sometimes still do, feel the same way. Please know that it is normal to have those feelings, I think some of it is pride that you would accept someone back who's done something like that to you. It's going to take some time for sure. You're gonna have some good days and some bad, and this will go on for awhile, unfotunately. But, remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you can make it and with time and will get better.

Yes it is "hell dealing with the aftermath". Make sure that the both of you are ready for the bumpy ride. Get out If he's not ready or you are not ready for the decision that you've both made to make your marriage work. Marriage is just that WORK. It's work when there is no A, but with an A, the work load seem to be 100 times more.

If you have decided to stay with your H and work it out, don't let your mind play tricks on you by telling you that you are stupid, because you are not. You are doing what you feel is best for you as well as your family. Hold your head up, stay posting and talking on this site, and there are people here that will guide you through your day to day journey until you are able to go at it alone.

We are all here for you! Peace!