I am needing to understand more about Plan A which I guess is what I am in. When I have conversations with my w now what kinds of things are ok to say and what kind of things are not ? Can I tell her that I miss her and that I love her. Seems when I say it she gets mad. I want to spill my guts which is what has happened most of the times we have talked. I want to tell her I am sorry and that I understand what has happened to get us to this point. I am guilty of being a man who didn't know how to show affection. My wife told me she needed more from me and I didn't know what the heck that meant. I was deaf... I have so much to learn.<BR>How did I let this happen ??

Come on people I need some help on this one....

I'm not sure about your past w/ her. Were you unfaithful? My advice would be to be completely honest w/ her. If you want to tell her you love her then you should. Are you two going to counseling? If she won't go, then go by yourself. <P>Also, QUITE blaming yourself for everything!!! I remember that from a previous post. You are not the only one in the marriage! <P>If she doesn't want to hear I love you and I'm sorry then give her some time and space. My husband has known about my affair for a month and hasn't told me he loved me since he found out. I still tell him but it's getting tiring already. <P>Take care of yourself. I know you are going crazy tring to "make" things right but you can only control yourself.

Yup, I had an affair 11 years ago before we were married. My needs were'nt being met and I wanted out.While out I realized I was wrong.I guess the shoe is on the other foot now. I was the start of the problems, I believe she has tryed maybe not as much as she could but I beleive I have not as much and am the root of the problem.

You said you're needs weren't being met. I am so glad to at least hear that this woman isn't perfect and that it is not all you! It could NOT be ALL you. Everyone makes mistakes ..... everyone, even her. It's what you do now that matters. Sounds like you are trying to get your act together. You will. She sounds like she is running from her problems. Eventually she'll stop running. You need to get your head on straight and everything will fall into place. It might not be w/ her but you will live a happier life and will probably find someone else who will appreciate your good qualities and who will love you and lift you up instead of dragging you down. <P>I may be way off target here but that my perception of you and your situation. I think you have beat yourself up enough. Let's go forward instead of backwards. <P>Please try and find something you enjoy doing and if you're not getting counseling go do it. I'm not saying be selfish but you must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.<P>Has she forgiven you for your affair?

Absolutely not. Our relationship started with her being insecure and very distrustful. I don't think I did anything to help her though and even added fire by having a job where I travelled and was away from home alot. I had alot to learn and even more to go. I could write a book with the sh-t we have been thru. She has never forgiven me and I don't really think I ever did anything to earn her trust. As I found out - being here and loving someone are not enough.. I just hope it's not too late. It sure feels like it........

MMW, that was 11 years ago and she had plenty of time to work it through with you. If she was unable to, she should have not married you. Anyway, she will throw everything at you and she's not listening to you. Stop waisting your breath. She will come around in time but show her that it may be too late by getting on with life.<BR>If it was so bad with you, let her go and move on.

I have no choice at this point about letting her move on. She already has. as for letting her go - at this point my answer is - never. I do love her with all my heart and wan't this to end. I would take her back in a heartbeat and try my best to make it work. I only hope I get the opportunity.<BR>I need to gather strength somewhere to try and endure the torture I am apparently heading for. As if I don't feel bad enough all ready.