I never understand these discussions and they often keep me off of MB for days if not weeks which is a good thing sometimes. My DH went NC as soon as I confronted him. We told no one except our MC, our minister, our doctor and strangely our chiropractor because we had been in a very serious accident just months before D-Day and we had all spent alot of time together. DH left it up to me but we agreed on the decision. I know my family well and any support that I might have gained from them would have been destroyed by their inability to forgive DH or ever treat him fairly again. DH has been estranged from his family for years. Our children are grown and out of the house. If I were trying to break up the A I would not have hesitated to expose but NC was never a question.

Hurt is counseling with the Harleys does it not make sense to see first what they say about this?

God's Blessings,

Say

Your reputation can be rebuilt with a family if you are WH or WW. Many have fallen from grace and rebuilt themselves. It is difficult but it is a consequence of adulterous and immoral behavior. They dug the grave themselves and now have to fill it up.

Your marriage may not be salvageable. Your SANITY may not be salvageable, if the adulterous behavior is not exposed.

If some crazy b*&$% had been stalking my children, even for a DAY, I would make darn sure my children knew that they should not GO NEAR or EVER SPEAK to the dangerous woman again.

I would also make sure that any babysitter/nanny/daycare/family/friends that watch over my children would also be informed.

Anything less is neglegent IMO. Extraordinary times calls for extraordinary measures, and an affair and stalker OW IS extraordinary times.

I think it's in the best interest of the marriage for key exposure to take place. Yes, I realize some won't do it; but I'm still convinced they give their marriage a better chance when they do. I've read this from Dr. H's writings and have spoken with him about it.

But that is not the same issue as speaking to her children and childcare providers. Informing them is about the safety of her children.

You have three children ages 2 and under???

Or is your oldest a preschooler (3-4)?

I agree with Say, in that HBH should seek advice from the Harleys on this and go with it. They may well advise her to expose, as we are here. Or they may advise something different. I think we should just let it play out with the Harleys, just in case HBH is feeling a bit pressured here.

I'm not sure how my thread on dealing with my anger as a BS has been turned into bashing me for not wanting to expose and now has spiraled into my failure as a mother. Everytime I go back and read these posts, I say to myself "I will not respond" but here is my response.

1. For those of you that are lucky enough to have a close family that you can confide in and depend on, hats off. For those of us that struggle to get through Christmas dinner with people we talk to a few times a year, the idea of telling them the most hurtful and horrific thing that has ever happened to you might, not be so appealing.

2. I have read and re-read the Harleys' exposure information. A is over. NC is in place. Exposure to the people referenced here would have no effect (that I can see...and I am going to ask Steve Harley in about 2 hours) on the past A or any future A. Rest assured, I will post Harley's answer to this question as soon as I get off the phone. If I am wrong, get the noose ready.

As for my children:


Perhaps in the excitement, you missed where my kids were with me or WH 24/7 now...so there is no one "watching over my children" now....while we were in old hometown, babysitter/nanny/daycare were all informed. There was nothing in my thread to lead you to the assumption that they were not. All I ever spoke of in terms of not wanting to "expose" was family that lives hundreds of miles away (from both OW city and my new city) and social friends.

[quote=sexymamabear]Anything less is neglegent IMO.
So, just to be clear, I am negligent for NOT telling people that do not have contact with my children on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis??? Despite the fact that I moved our family a few hundred miles away from OW, into a secured/gated community, told OW that WH left me (to stop the continued harrassment...which worked), and stay with my children 24/7 now??? Wow, I am lucky that I have managed to keep them safe this long.

Here's my personal opinion on exposing to one's own family (parents, siblings, etc.)...and I believe there is a case or two here that supports this.

I think exposing to one's own family should depend upon how the BS feels about his/her family. If they will be a source of support then by all means, expose. If not, then don't. I also didn't expose to my family (other than one sister) for similar reasons.

However, exposing to your WH's family, if they have any influence over him, I think is key. And if your own family had any influence over him, I'd say the same, regardless of how you feel about your family.

Please let us know what Steve says. He is the professional and of course you should go with what he says.

{{{{hbh}}}}},

I'll be praying for your appt. today. I think you are doing the wise thing by getting counsel from Steve. Don't forget to ask hum about the weekend seminar....

Not2fun

HbH,

What's going on with your WH....... How is he doing this week with helping you get answers to your questions?

Are the questions you have new ones or are they the same ones that just keep cycling through your mind again and again until you are ready to explode?

Your anger.... Is it helping you work through the trauma or is it only causing you to explode "at" WH?

Please know that I'm treading lightly here with these questions and do not desire to trigger you in any way. {{{{{HbH}}}}}

Thanks not2fun

tst,

WH is doing a lot better...he hasn't gotten frustrated or angry with me at all since you have been working with him.

Last night was hard, because our assignment from Steve was to focus on the "why" and you already know how far apart WH and I are on that one. But, working through it is difficult, right? But I thought WH handled it great. And in general, he is just more supportive of my "state".

My questions are usually the same...what were you thinking???? The details of his PA are just vile and I think the how/why/when/where make a big difference, he does not.

I think my anger is slowly dissipating...although WH may not see it Two big things that have/are helping me are 1) his commitment to actually do MB and work on M and 2) his attitude has changed...he doesn't say things like "you want to live in the past" or "you have to let this go"...not once since you've been talking to him...

Thanks for the support

HBH, I understand what you are saying here.

But do you not have any IRL friends who can come along side of you for support?






Dr. H says that affairs (past or present) should be exposed because it makes it harder for the WS to engage in an affair, take one underground, or start one in the future when people know.

His quote has been linked on the board many times.






I know that SH's thoughts on exposing is at times different, so maybe you'll not need that noose.





No, I didn't miss that part. But considering you have used a nanny in the past, it seems logical for readers to think you will probably have some form of childcare set up again in the future.


If I misunderstood your intent to expose/not expose to those caring for your children, I apologize.







THAT is NOT what I said. I said not telling people who are in caregiver roles for your children would be neglegent.

I think you moving your family and staying with them 24/7 is wise.

I also think you have not read enough stories here to understand the lengths some OW's go to in order to destroy a BS.


I'm sorry that you have felt attacked on your thread. Sometimes it feels that way. BTDT.

If you really want help with your anger, I suggest you not delete your venting posts. They give us insight into your struggles and we can give you advice and support. If WH chooses to read them, that's his own choice.

I don't think that Harley recoomends exposing if the affair is over. It's a tool to stop the cheating. What purpose does it serve to expose if the cheating has stopped?

An excerpt from Dr. H's newsletter:

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable.

HbH,

My FWH's family sounds much like yours. Everybody shows up for the holiday, doesn't talk, they don't even sit together, and leave within half an hour. However, when the A happened, they were one of the greatest support systems that we had, to our great surprise. You never know.

On a different note. This is hard, but when your H does answer your questions, please remember to thank him for being honest. I know you want to scream and rant over what he's said, but you need to make him safe so that he'll continue to be honest with you about everything for your entire life.

drgnfly

I admit, I never once told tst "thank you for being honest". I would rather have spit in his face. So the fact that I DIDN'T spit, or hit, or kick, or rant...well, that just had to be enough.

And it was.

I think it is completely wacko for a BS to say "thank you" about affair details. I know....it's the MB way. But it seems more like sick and twisted to expect that of a BS.

I think considering the topic being revealed, a BS not losing it should be quite a statement in itself.

Call me a rebel.

I think I muttered a "thank you" to H once...when I was nearly drained to death. In my head it was followed by "you MF^%$#@$%^%$." Is that ok?

You talked about me to your WH???

Sorry, just had to say it... I'll be back with some helpful info later.

h_b_h ~

When I exposed to some family and friends I did it over email and I specifically asked them NOT to call me or ask me about it but to let ME bring it up if I needed to.

This took away the fear that I would be getting tons of phone calls/emails/knocks at the front door with people asking millions of questions about the what's, where's, why's, how's.

I sent out an email like this:

"Dear Friends and Family,

I am so sorry to be doing this over email but my life has just been torn apart and I desperately need your prayers and support. I've just found out that WH has been having an affair with our former nanny and I am a mess. We are working very hard at trying to repair this, but it is the hardest thing we have ever been through. We are in intensive MC and are getting a lot of support and help from professional counselors who "specialize" in saving marriages after adultery.

I am exhausted and would appreciate no phone calls or emails asking questions right now...I need to save my energy for repairing my marriage. I simply need support and prayers. If you are able to offer those, please do. Specifically we could use help with the children...one of our assignments from our MC is to spend a lot of time together alone.

Thank you all...

~MF"

If your parents (for example) do not read email regularly, ask a close relative to inform them for you and ask them to pass on that you just cannot talk about this right now but a phone call or email saying "we are thinking about and praying for you, please let us know if you need anything" would be most appreicated.

I would not have made it through this without the support of family and friends. It was crucial in the beginning.

Just finished my part of the counseling with Steve...

He said WH doesn't get "it" yet and that it is his job to work on WH,not mine...

I think I will have to purchase a muzzle, I can not keep my mouth shut.

OK, as promised...asked Steve about exposure. First, he said there is no "stock answer" for every individual's situation. Then he said exposure serves three purposes:
1) End Affair
2) Accountability
3) Emotional Support

In my sitch, 1&2 aren't an issue, and he said 3 is up to me. And he also said that while 3 might not seem viable to me now, in the future, I might feel differently.

It takes a long time for a FWS to "get it". I was told the same thing in early sessions with Steve.

BTW...isn't he the greatest??? It was incredibly validating to talk to him and get support and to know that you ARE NOT crazy, that WH is.