Hi all, I posted on here last summer, but all the posts seem to have been deleted in the MB meltdown. Here's the cliff notes version:

3.5 years ago, H told me he was sick of me, I was annoying, etc., and he wanted a divorce. I was 27 and completely blindsided. Had no idea what was going on. Moved in with my parents and begged him to go to marriage counseling. He was adamant that he wanted out of the marriage. After three months, he suddenly said he wanted to work on things. "Working" on things essentially involved ME doing a whole lot of things to make him happy, and him doing very little.

In June 09, he went away for a 10-day conference. I came across cell phone bills, credit card receipts, plane tickets, hotel room receipts, and etc., from three years prior. Did some online searching and found some blog posts of his (previously unknown to me, of course) where he said he "loved" OW, where he described going to the other side of the country to meet her, etc. They seem to have broken up at the time he wanted to get back with me. Also found 10 years of credit card statements that showed heavy porn use ($200-$600 a month).

Confronted him when he got home. He turned it around on me and said that I was snooping, I was the one who always ruined things, etc., and he threatened to divorce me if I didn't drop it. We had a really bad six months, where he essentially gaslighted me the entire time, threatened me with divorce if I asked any questions, and did some very suspicious things with his cell phone (sleeping with it under the bed, getting a text message in a movie theater and going to the bathroom in order to answer it, etc.). I suspect this may have been a second OW, but have no evidence. I think it is over now, based on his behavior changes. (I can't successfully snoop anymore; he is a data security guy and thus the master of concealment.)

He threw an alarm clock against the wall several times to smash it in November, which scared me, because he said I didn't wake him up on time, and I said we should set a second alarm clock. He didn't like that suggestion and destroyed the second one on the spot.

He has a history of lying and concealment... he has lied about many things from the beginning of our relationship, and many of the things had nothing to do with the affair(s).

I left him in Jan. 2010, when he was away at another conference. Packed up the entire house and moved out. He came back and promised to change, finally agreed to do the MB program, and started us with counseling appointments with Jennifer.

We've had three sessions. The first session, he was furious with me for telling Jennifer that he'd had an affair and was using pornography. She told him that he needed to give me the passwords to the credit cards online and the phones. He claimed he wasn't going back, but then made another appointment.

He never gave me the information. At the second appointment, she called him on it. He told her that he would, once again, but I don't think he actually meant it. She had us each create a list of our top 5 emotional needs and specific things our spouse could do to fulfill them. My top emotional need--of course, after all this!--is openness and honesty. My list was him giving me the passwords to all bills and online accounts, him reviewing the credit card statements with me every month, and similar.

Before the third appointment, he gave me the passwords to the cell phone and VOIP accounts, but not to the credit cards or anything else. He said he won't give me electronic access, but he'll start getting paper statements again and I can see the paper statements when they come in. This obviously seems to me like he's unwilling to give me online access because it would show all previous statements; I think he wants to make sure the new statements are "clean" from pornography. (I don't believe he is involved in an active affair.)

At the third appointment, Jennifer called him on this again and privately told me that if he is unwilling to meet this need, I need to go to Plan B. She said we should review our list of ENs with each other, one need a day, and ask "how am I doing at meeting this emotional need?" and "how can I improve the quality or quantity of what I am doing to meet this need?"

We started reviewing the needs last night, but he wanted to skip my #1 (openness and honesty) and talk about my #2 (affection) instead, because he "needs time" to do #1. He claims he will do it, but he "needs time" in order to do it. I have been afraid to argue with him about this sort of stuff because it seems like an LB, but it is not okay for him to skip steps, and especially not this one. All I said last night was "okay," because I didn't know what else to say.

I still love him and don't want to end the marriage, but I am not willing to live like this endlessly either. My individual counselor told me today that I should draw the boundary and tell him that if he is not willing to meet my needs, then all of this is a waste of time and money, and he should call me when he is ready to meet my needs. (Essentially, it sounds like she is also suggesting Plan B.)

She said he is possibly interpreting this as a power struggle, whereas for me it's about intimacy and trust and a real relationship. I don't think it actually matters that much what's on the cards--I have a pretty good idea already--but it does matter that he's willing to tell me the truth for once.
Being told the truth, finally, would feel wonderful, no matter what that truth is. (It cannot be worse than what I already suspect.)

I know it is risky to move into Plan B. He is making small steps forward and trying to meet my other needs, but it all seems kind of like a facade without the O&H. It is like pruning back the weeds so that everything looks pretty, but without actually pulling up the roots.

I feel like I do not set clear enough boundaries... I say something once and don't repeat it because I don't want to nag or start a fight. I think he thinks he can get away with not doing it because every time he pushes, I give in a little. What can I do to push harder for O&H without going straight to Plan B?

No.

You cannot "make" him be open and honest.

All you can do is protect yourself because he is not.

It sounds like there are some pretty scary things he is fearful of being open and honest about. Things he is sure will be the kiss of death for the marriage.

Perhaps you could steel yourself up to tell him that whatever he has to say, you will take time to come to terms with and try to understand how they happened but it might be awful to deal with...keep that in mind.

He is a mess for sure. Only with all the info will you know whether it is worth working on or not.

IC said that I should not say that I have already seen (and xeroxed) 10 years of credit card records, etc., because all he will do is turn it around on me and focus on my "snooping" rather than on the actual problem. I think it's true that he will try to turn it around on me, and make me feel guilty or in the wrong, because that's what he always does.

But I have done the whole, "I know about the pornography and the affair already, I just want you to be honest" bit already. Not in a few months. But it was not successful the first two times.

I am trying to figure out what to say to him tonight. Not an AO or a DJ, but a clear boundary statement.

Thoughts on what I should do?

I would leave it on him.

If you say you know about everything already, he might come clean simply because he knows he�s busted. You want him to be open and honest because it�s the right thing to do, and because it�s important to you. NOT because he has nothing to lose.

Make him earn his right to stay married to you. Don�t let him off easy. This is his one big chance to step up to the plate and become the husband you want and need. Don�t rob him of the opportunity.