Lately I have noticed that people use the FWS abreviation and in particular the FWW abreviation a lot in this forum. In my opinion the F should be earned. There are many FWS posting here who have earned the F by taking ownership and responsibility for the recovery and for the hurt they caused. These people should be highly respected. They are an integral part of what makes these forums a resource for marriage building.

But when you read for instance that "My FWS are still unwilling to tell me the name of the OP", then IMO the F is not yet earned. There is a certain "BS fog" around that makes many posters use this term almost in a feverish or frantic way when it is obvious to the readers that their S still has a wayward mind.

So, what should be required for a WS to earn the "F" ? Any suggestion for a check list? Contributions from FWS posters particularly welcome!

I know one when I see one. Being wayward has much more to do with a state of mind than with an active affair. The example you gave is a perfect example of a wayward mind. Any wayward who is still practicing dishonesy, blameshifting, or any other myriad of weasel actions is still a weasel wayward.

I am a WW. It's interesting that you put this post out because I realized that I replied to someone's post recently and referred to my self as a "FWW" then regreted it afterwards becasue I felt I should earn the title from the vets here before applying the F.

I would think the F would come with:
1. exposure
2. apology to BS,family, OMW
3. recognition of unprecendented pain and damage I have caused 4. NC permanently
5. recognition that i have to do whatever it takes to become a better person and do away with the lack of morals that led me to be so selfish and betray my loved ones
6. never again attempt to justify the A
7. lose hope for the M that I destroyed but have hope for the happiness my BS will have one day

What have I missed on my list.

The "F" means they have learned to protect the marriage above all else.

Frank

Hello my friend! I was in Oslo last week; I thought of you !

[/threadjack]

Some days I'm ready to revoke my H's F or issue a 1/2 F.

I agree Frank...if a WS has only stopped the A but it still not willing to be transparent the F is not there.

u2,

You are forgetting that:

8. You have ruined the M, BS can at anytime pull the plug and end the M, and you are resolved to do everything in your power to not let this happen and acknowledge you were responsible for this, and that you understand that there may not ever be trust for you again.

I'm no expert, but I know that transparency needs to be in that list, somewhere.

themud,

"8" was already included in "5 & 7" but the point is so important that it is worth re-iterating.

1. exposure
2. apology to BS,family, OMW
3. recognition of unprecendented pain and damage I have caused 4. NC permanently
5. recognition that i have to do whatever it takes to become a better person and do away with the lack of morals that led me to be so selfish and betray my loved ones
6. never again attempt to justify the A
7. lose hope for the M that I destroyed but have hope for the happiness my BS will have one day
8. I have ruined the M, BS can (and has) at anytime pull the plug and end the M, and I am resolved to do everything in my power to not let this happen and acknowledge I were responsible for this, and that I understand that there may not ever be trust for me again.
9. Complete transparency both in physical actions and electronic (e-mail, IM, cell, internet) actions


How about this too? 10. Be willing to meet EN's when allowed by BS or rejoice in the fact that BS's EN's are being met by someone or something other than me.

The Mud!

U2 wrote a perfectly valid and relevant post. Please follow her example and stay on the topic of the thread.

U2, thank you for your contribution. Your list seems extensive.

You know how I tell if a WS is recovered or not? If they get defensive about deragatory commments made about waywards. If they get defensive, they are probably still wayward. A recovered WS won't have anything TO defend because they don't have a dog in that fight anymore. Only the ones who still have a dog in that fight get defensive. The recovered ones accept and admit that adultery is deragatory, which is why they are recovered. Accepting the truth about adultery is the first step towards real recovery.

Thank you Bob!

I don't get #10. The FWS should be making the effort to meet the BS's ENs no matter what...a plan A of sorts. The latter part can lead to more marital strife.

I actually dropped the "FWH", and now refer to my H as just H again. He earned that - he followed the plan, and one of the things he has done is LIVED the life of a FORMER WAYWARD, to the point where he has changed himself to the core.

You can see his changes, and how he has reshaped himself from the ground up. The man I married is back, improved, and more solid than before. This isn't a totally new man, but the man I knew him to be - with the protections, openness, security against all outsiders, honesty, and the plan we need to make our marriage strong. When we face problems or even questions now, we are able to walk right towards them, together, and solve them without fear. We always had good skills, but now they are much better, and we have great plans in place and we follow them.

This man has EARNED the right not to have the affair hang over his head every single day.

And, in a way, so have I.

SB