Hello I have been married for a year now to a widower 49 yr old and his 3 children. Mom passed away 2 yrs ago;died of ovarian cancer. My new hubby seems very distant now, sex life is once a month and I do not think he really likes my persona now. I am not a quick witted person like his past wife and not that exciting to him now it seems. He is very quiet and seems like has no desire to get to know me anymore. I do keep a clean home, easy rules for children 7 yrs 14 yrs and 13 yrs,and hot cook meals on time and follow the budget.I have since learned she was the opposite of me; hoarder, HORRIBLE housekeeper but dearly loved as a person and by all friends. He still blogs about loving and missing her as the love of his life. Naturally it hurts but it is fact and I understand.

However, it seems that he refuses to cuddle with me and our marriage bed seems divided. I have stressed to him I need to be held and cuddled he does not do this .Do most men not like to be cuddled at all at nite? I saw pictures of him and deceased wife; they cuddled. Also I am sleeping in their old home and old bedroom; with new furniture. He never talks to me about to much of anything. And when we disagree he only responds in email to me.

Any suggestions to help me in this marriage. Also I tell him all the time I love him; he makes no comments anymore. Every once in awhile he will respond back with just a smile.

Last year we had a party for all his deceased wife's friends to look at her pictures and talk about her; I am refusing to do this grieving party this year. It was too strange last year; but I think he needed that time. However later that day it upset the older 14 yr old daughter which sadden me.

One more thing .....do you think he will ever love me like he loved her ? I am very nervous with my new husband cause he has used the divorce word 2 times with me already when we disagreed. Why did he use the word? I was upset about legal problems having and cried cause wanted to talk about my dilemmas; he rebuked me which I cried harder. Then I got upset cause he would not even talk or listen to me about my dilemmas. I thougth he was my friend and spouse while dating but I am learning he is not. Just for more info; my dilemma is I paid an attorney big bucks but he never got my wifely settlement and military retirement from ex spouse. I have the funds to do it; just wanted to talk. Hubby also told me to just forget the 6 figure wifely settlement; which is CRAZY!

The other time he told me I need to go to therapist; not talk to him about any problems I have such as this.

Any suggestions I would be very appreciative

Sad & Lonely Sable Venus 57

Hello Pepperband,

Thank you for responding. Let me set the record straight...my new hubby met me online a month after his wife had died at home from ovarian cancer. He had 3 kids pictures and huimself online dating site. He never cheated with me while his wife was alive; I did not even know him or his past wife even though we lived 20 miles away from each other. He really seems to be a clean upright and Christian man. The story gets more complex; he is a white 49 yrs old man, who legally adophted 2 black children of his deceased wife's first marriage and of course has his biracial 7 yr old daughter. I am black divorced female 52 yrs old with 2 biracial children 17 boy and 13 girl. The blended family children get along really pretty well. He and I seem to be the problem.I feel he can't fully connect to me. He is naturally quiet but his love style is different than mine. I feel I was fooled because now he rarely touches me; even though I am touchy with him. I hug, kiss, rub and massage his body. He refuses to cuddle in the bed; his wife that passed did not like to cuddle at all either I learned nor did she like sex. I am accepting this and do realize they are all (he and children)grieiving. The 7 yr old has been instructed to call me Miss____ not mom even though she wanted to. I leave that alone cause it might cause more grief. I read books on grief and etc; the family seems to be ok it is just new hubby and I.

He wanted to get married quickly because it be better for children to get back in a family routine and he thought he would lose me. Actually he was not the parenting kind; he was scared and alone being with the 3 children. I have helped him immensely and he and children have shown me love. He has kinda resented the changes made in the home but it was SO filthy and disorganized! He seems to like the home now. My major dilemma with him is; he never lets me in and I can tell he does not like certain things about my personality. A few things baout me he does nto care about....I wear makeup, extroverted, clean too much around the home, talk a bit much, worry too much, too easy going with the children, not quick witted and super smart as the ole wife was, read many books, like to dance, and think too much.

Our marriage is slowly turning into a roommate situation and it scares and makes me feel very insecure. Insecure that he may go out and commit adultrey; He does not seem that into me. He thinks I need to go to a therapist to talk; not talk to him. He is distant; we only talk of children and their events. When I talk of work he seems so bored. If talk of anything on news he gets bored look on his face. He says I think and read too much. He thinks I manage his children too much(they have weird habits; dye teeth green with food coloring, poor table manners, set fire to paper boats in sink and ruined it, did not bathe, cut all the hair off the dog,etc)

Then I had girlfriend discover he was a dating online site after our new marriage. I confront him tactfuly and he said yup he was; forgot to get rid of it. That was understandable. I recently found that he has a new found online honey. Also he leaves the house like 2 hours 4:30 am before work; to do whatever.

Anyway I am not worried about that now because I think the children need me and I need him. I am crazy about him! but I do see he will never think of me as his friend. I think his first wife was his best friend and let him do what ever he wanted. Also he has blogged online she is the love of his life. He promised her to take care of her kids; and that is why I am here; even though my new hubby says I am not but here for him.
Also he will not talk to me; if I try very calmly sometimes he gets upset and yells. I remain calm but he has a bit of a temper over the littlest things. I have told him I would never stay wiht him if he ever hit me. And I do not think that will happen, but I feel inhibited to talk to him these days and little thing let me know he is not into me at all. At the dating beginning he talked a lot to me; online, calls, texting; now nothing. So now it is living life with kids and working full time. However we went on mini honeymoon last month and did not even have sex. What a let down!!

The other little things that lets me know he is not into me are.....very sad in all our wedding pictures. At first I did not notice it,but looking back at the pictures; he was. Also saw his pictures of him and previous wife wedding video; he smiled continually. We have been offered to go to 2 Weekends To Remmember for christian martial couples; he refuses. On day of our wedding he took only 2 pictures of 2 females; a women who he had a crush on before me and his 14 step daughter...none of me.
I took a sex erotic picture of me (top only with tassels on)on the wedding day just for him and showed him . New hubby dryly replied This looks like porn. WOW! That hurt me, I explained I did that because he had taken nude pictures of his deceased wife and thought he liked that. She never posed he just took nude picture of her walking thru home; also he took a nude picture of his old girlfriend before first wife too. I am I feel as a nanny and not his wife. So I guess I will deal with my lot in life; but I have terrible insomina and look sad in my face. I still have from my move books and boxes in home that need help with; so I will do them alone since he has no interest in helping me put them in bookshelves. despite me asking for assitance.

I have went out a few times without him which is irritaitng me too. Met friends at 7pm for drinks and wings after work; about 3 girlfiend and spouses; he was too busy to come. Then another nite took my one girlfriend to dinner , movie, then play bingo,; out till 1am he never called me at all to see if I was ok. I told him to but he did not cause said he thought I would think I would not trust me. I am guessing I will have to be in a lonely marriage. I will have to develop my own agenda for things I want to do since my new hubby seems to busy for me and learning about my desires and companionship. He saw an ole friend on Facebook and told her she was his best friend. I was crushed because I had told him earlier I want to be his best friend.

One good thing I told him I was leaving him if he did not get me new floors and carpet in this home. He can afford it but wanted to wait 5 years. He felt the holes in the titles in the floor and filthy carpet was ok. I disageed!! I had paid to change the children's floors; it was the same nastiness.
Well I must admit he did get the floors replaced because his older step daughter agreed with me and I was serious about leaving.

Anyway thanks for listening:)

My ex husband and I were together 25 years but the last 5 yrs we were celibate and Ex acted like he hated me; refuse to talk, mean and rude all the time. I had no idea what was going on at the time but later realized he was figthing bisexuality and just wanted to do his own thing in our marriage. We divorced /split and share joint custody of 2 children but I sufferd from PAS-Parental Alientation Syndrome. Anyway as a divorced woman I was lonely and missed caring and being the mom and a spouse. That is when I went online and met my future husband the new widower and his 3 children.

I think you should consider getting out. He has already cheated on you and is not treating you lovingly. You sound plenty smart to me. So, don't put yourself down in that area.

No way does this man love you and you deserve to be loved.

Dear Everyone
Thank you so much for replying. Well I love him so much but he does not touch me at nite in the bed when alone, gives me Grandma dry kisses does not talk to me hardly, and we have been celibate for 2 months...we just got married 13 months ago. I am heartbroken but he has no real desires for me other than helping with children. Well found 2 online dating site he is at. I am going to try and move out because I realize he does not love me. Also his online site said looking for right woman and guess who is not the one...me.
Sable Venus

Hi all
Things have not improved overtime.I am still here but plan on moving out this spring. I could try MC but feel it will not work. He is back to old online site but his 3 kids seem to dislike me and remain distant for some reason. I have offered to take them here and there but no reaction. Also my kids hate being here now; run to their Dad's every chance they get. No unity among us even when I try to have this happen. Alos he does not support me emotionally at all.

Sable Venus

Sable, I think you're right to move out and proceed with divorce. I was reading your posts and kept thinking that maybe you could encourage your H to come here to learn how to build a healthy marriage. But if he is still on dating sites I doubt that he would be interested. It's like Pepperband told you last year - you know the role he prefers for you.

The main reason I think you should go is because of your children's reactions. Initially they were happy to be there and got along well. Now they don't want to be there at all. This tells me that the situation not only isn't getting better, but is disintegrating. Don't damage your children by staying there.

Sable, to me, this bit of information would have been a huge red flag. Why would a husband who lost his wife a month before be on a dating site this quick? Moreover, why would you date, much less marry a man who would do this?

Please think and pray about these things. I think Pep is exactly right. This man was looking for a nanny with benefits.

Hello All
I have made some BIG mistakes in my life. My new hubby told me last week he wants me to move out. I was shocked! I asked why and he said get this..I cleaned too much and I am very uptight. WHAT!!?? It hurt me bad and cried like a big baby. I do love this man but he no longer loves me. I guess I never fit in his opinion tha is why he is troling online. We have only had 3 agruments in 2 years so I was shocked.

The wife before me was a hoarder and horrible housekeeper but he loved her so much he dealt wht it. Well here I come a cleaning and a cooking plus working full time outside the home but this irritate him and the 3 step children now. Ahh this hurts me so much! He said the filthy did not bother him that much from ole wife but I bug the heck out of him. So now I am miserable in this nasty home and he does not love me.

I won't mention how his stepkids treat me; mostly ignore, gave my dog codeine medicine which made her very ill, burned my sunglasses, cut a hole in my dress, told me and my bio daughter they hate us, and if I have disagreement with them hubby said he is not involved. The oldest 15 yr girl has I feel talked hubby into disliking me so she can run free this summer in and out the home and stay out late at nite.

I did ask from hubby clearification on cleaning too much.Kids complaint cause if do not complete a good job in kitchen cleaning then I tactful guide them to do it right. I have created a guide of proper way to clean the kitchen. And I am uptight because little 9 yr old was going to mall with hair full of knots cause not combed, peed jeans and dirt smudges on her face. I just suggested calmly to her to clean up before leaving. Hubby got a bit irritated with me, so I said take her like that I was just trying to help. He did take her and all the 3 children to the mall.

Other nite he did imply I could be replaced easily..which I am sure I can.

I made a big mistake marrying him so early. I fell in love and wanted to fit in and help with the childen. I did not know him before at all when his wife was alive. Many people thought that when we got married.

Anyway gearing up to find a solution. I asked for us to go back to marriage counsling and he declined. I had asked to attend Weekend to Remmeber marital retreat about 2 times about 6 months ago; he declined that too.

Boy am I dumb! On top fo that I got tricked so badly.

SableVenus

Sable, this is basically the same info you posted last week, so my advice, and I suspect that of the other posters, will be pretty much the same as we posted to you originally.

How can we help you?

Sable, I have been away from the forums for a few months and was suprised to see an update because I had been wondering what ever happened to you.

You say you made a mistake. Now how will you move forward?

DTC