I found out last week that my wife of 20 years was having an affair. She told me that they only had sex once but I know it was more than that. I also found an email to a freind about when she told me about it. She talks about how I handled it( not good) and that she loves this other man and how he treats her. She has denied that she had any emotion for this guy and said that she has cut off all contact (I hope). I love her but am finding it very difficult. I am still in shock yet and have not told that I found this letter. Should I confront her with it?

KB,

Can we get a little more info?

Do you have kids, ages etc. ?

Do you know who the other man is?

Is he married?

How do they know each other? Work?

How did you discover her adultery?

What has been the duration of the adultery?


Don't confront until you have a plan to back it.

I am sure more will pile in soon.

Sorry you are here.

King,

You should assume the affair is still ongoing.

She is not lying to her friend, my friend.

Do not confront yet. Snoop, look at phone bills, on line. Get a voice activated recorder to hide in her car. Get a GPS to track her movements.

""they only had sex once but I know it was more than that.""

How do you know this?

You are snooping already..good for you.

Stay calm and calculating for now.

Stay strong, you are on the high road here.

IMHO

kirk

He is single and lives in another town about 25 miles away. He does have a car. He took to one of her relatives to get some stuff. It's an hour there and an hour back. They were gone for more than 5 hours. I was stuck at work.
We have on kid at home he is 17.

I had a gut feeling about her and she finally told me about it. I think he got what he wanted and may have dumped her. I had found and email were her freind talks about some very nasty comments he made to her.

She say she wants to improve things and make them better. I think she just wants me to make beleive it never happened.

I beleive this has gone on for 2 to 4 weeks but not entirely sure.

Speaking from experience, expect the worse because waywards lie so bad that it would make your head spin. Most of them always say it only happened once and all of them usually say it was just sex. Usually there is a lot more to the story than the wayward liar is telling you. Expose her A immediately. A lot of ppl don't recommend talking to the OP but if I had not called my FWH XOW I would have never known that they had S more than once because that is what FWH told me. He also told me that they met in an airport and went back to a hotel and had sex which was a total lie. I know it's hard to think that your once honest W could lie to you but waywards become another person when they are having an A and they are capable of doing just about anything. I would have never believed that my FWH would have had an A because I thought he had more integrity and character than that but ha, boy was I fooled.

I know there is more to the story. She is trying to really nice to me now. I really think he dumped because a mutual friend told him I was an ex seal (Im not) and it may have scared him. Also from what I know of this guy is that he just short of trailer trash and no job. Maybe he found that my wife didn't make enough money.

kingnblue, do the work together? Where did they meet? How do you know he is single? More often than not, affairees who say they are single are not really.

So where did they meet and is there a chance they will see each other again?

No they do not. But my wife is an insurance agent. Perfect cover aye? I am not sure were they met. She told me and a mutual friend and that he is going thru a divorce. All I know is what I am told. Something else I was married before and that wife majorly f-ing around on me. My current wife gave her the nickname "sleezo"
I must have a sign on my head that says f around on me.

Oh yah one more thing. She is now worried I am going to go out and get revenge sex to get back at her. She also admitted she was worried I would leave her too. For right now I won't do either but if she does it again all deals are off the table.

"Going through a divorce" means MARRIED. MARRIED, kingblue. Please inform his wife of this affair. You might discover that the affair has gone on longer than you think. That will provide protection for both your marriages with 2 ppl watching on both ends.

Sounds like a good idea. If I can figure who & where she is. I don't even know his last name.

What do you think about the statement before about her being worried about me getting revenge sex?

I would ask her! Don't tell her why, but tell her you need to know the full name of the enemy. He knows your name, after all!


I really don't have any thoughts on it.

thanks MelodyLane. I'll see what I can get out of her. I do have a mutual friend who may know his name.

KB,

You need to determine if the affair is ongoing. YOu definitely need to expose to OM's W as she may or may NOT be in the middle of a divorce.

You also need your W to go get tested for STD's and you probably should as well.

You need to read the articles on this site. They will help you very much in handling this in a way that maximizes your chances of saving this marriage.

You also need to gather as much data as you can. People have already told you how to do this. If you need more info, just ask as there is a lot to tell you.

As for her concerns about you, don't worry about it. She is transfering her thoughts and fears to you. She is the one that cheated, not you. Therefore, you are not the one with low morals. She is the one that has lied to you, you are the one being honest with her.

Just calm down, gather the data, and do some serious reading of Harley's articles on this site. Why? If you want to save this marriage both of you need to really evaluate your marriage and what you expect from it. The information here will help you a great deal.

God Bless,

JL

I am working on your suggestions. Thank you.

I am not sure if this is sincere but she broke down crying saying she never meant to hurt me and that she felt like she was set up. I am guessing some he said and didn't come true. I have found out he has left for another state far away. I also found an email from her freind saying that he had said something bad about her and who the heck does he think he is. I think it may mean he got his and now it's time to move on.

This "friend" knows about the affair and is in contact with the OM? That is a problem right there. If she has a friend who knew of the affair, who is in touch with the OM and did not tell you, then she is an enemy of your marriage. I would be having a discussion about this person.

I suspect this guy may be married and travels around having affairs. Please get his name and expose to his wife.

You and she also need to get tested for STDs.

The friend knows him thru her husband's freind not directly. And everytime I talk to her she goes straight to my w and tells her. As for the name I am going to ask today. I do know his 1st name.

Sounds great. And it is ok if this "friend" goes to your wife. What I am suggesting is that once you track down the OM's wife and expose to her, that you ask your wife to lose this loser friend. Does this "friends" husband know about the affair? And that his wife is facilitating an affair between the OM and your wife?

The OM's wife has been seperated for 2 years. They don't have much contact. He has a long list of domestic abuse. As for std's I went to the doc yesterday. Nothing as of yet. My w admitted to me that he used protection.
We had a long talk and she told me about everything but I think there is more to the story. I know during the time period when she was seeing him that she was crying allot and on the edge of a nervous break down. She uses the phrase " I don't know who I am any more" when talking about and crys allot. The OM left for california after someone told him that I was an ex navy seal and was looking for him. I was in the army back in the mid 70s.And yes I have his name and address.