hi all from a very nervous 1st time poster.

i discovered my husband of 10 years was having an emotional affair with a co worker at christmas, he left our home and went to live with his brother - he returned home a week later and said it was over etc etc, then after 2 weeks i got the love you but not in love with you speech and that he had restarted the affair with her, he moved out again and has since started a physical affair with her - he has cancelled all bank and financial affects but has agreed to pay half of our mortgage (no children of our own) but he still contacts me every day except weekends when he stays at her house, i have tried not to answer but he uses other phones and gets upset and cries alot, he has said he will never come back because he is so in love with her etc - i am devasted and so confused , please help me

i am 50, he is 47

It is all according to a movie script. Affairees all say the same thing and have the same emotions. They will lie at the drop of a hat. I encourage you to read everything you get to here and to buy the book Surviving an Affair by Harley.

It is gonna be a long bumpy road.

Larry

thank you larry, i will get the book now
i know its going to be a long haul, but i hope with help from people going through the same i wont feel so alone.

I am so sorry, wherenext. Do you know who the OW is? Is she married? Do they work together?

Many of us here have saved our marriages from affairs and the most potent weapon in that war was exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so exposing them is the equivalent of bringing in a crowd of onlookers into the crack house. Its no fun to get high when everyone one is looking! While exposure may not kill the affair right away, it will certainly hasten its death.

Some great exposure targets are parents of both affairees, close family, friends. An especially effective exposure for the OW is to expose the affair to her facebook friends and her parents. That will kill any future prospects of the relationship because she will be embarassed to introduce your H to her family if they know he is a married man.

Another great exposure is to the workplace if they work together. We have a template letter developed by one of our members who is a corporate attorney that has been real helpful.

I would strongly suggest you get the book Surviving an Affair, but in the meantime, check out these links:

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Exposing an Affair

How to Survive Infidelity

WN,

""having an emotional affair with a co worker""

Your first duty is to break up the A and the best way to do this is to expose this A to all people that matter to your H, who may persuade him to stop contact with her.

C0-Workers means expose to Human Resources at work. Hopefully the company they work for has rules about this kind of thing.

And, saying that, hopefully they enforce the rules too.

""other phones and gets upset and cries alot""

HE gets upset and cries alot?? Then tells you how much he loves the skank? (Skank would be any woman that pursues a married man)

No wonder you are confused.

When you say he cancelled all bank and financial accounts, do you mean he cancelled and took the cash$$$?? THAT's not good!

EXPOSE TO HIS WORKPLACE.

Sorry that you find yourself here. But it is the best place to be to vent, ask questions, get advice from people who have been exactly in your shoes.

You must get a plan going and get pro-active to break up the A.

Why only week-ends I wonder. Does the skank have kids that she unloads on her X on the weekends?

the affair is already out in the open at their workplace,and to their familys, she is unmarried and has a son of 20, he has already met him.
he had our joint bank account made over into my sole name the day after our monthly bills had been paid, and just left an order for half the mortgage to be paid into the account from his new account.

on the phone he asks if i am ok, he worries about my money situation, am i coping with house stuff, he dont want the house sold because its always been my home and he would never try and take it away ?

Who told them about the affair? Did you tell them yourself?

apparently it was suspected but after he left they just brazened it out and told everyone they were now a couple

Yes, they lied about it. The story was told by liars. That is why this needs to be exposed by YOU. Here is how it goes:

Exposure by liars: "Mother, I met a new man and we are so in love!! He is leaving a very unhappy marriage with a bitter, mean, hateful woman who has mistreated him for years and is getting divorced! I am so excited he finally has a chance at happiness!"

Exposure by truthtellers: "Joe left his wife, wherenext, for an adulterous affair with his coworker, Skankyhola."

I assure you that skanky and your H did not tell the story in a truthful manner.

wherenext, in your case, I would do a NUCLEAR exposure, and then when your husband complains tell him you were just spreading the good news! How could they possibly complain?

even our local shop and pharmacy etc, he just said that he left because it didnt work out or had come to an end

he is always saying, i will come and do this and come and do that etc, but i thought i should try and be strong and not ask.

thank you all so much for replying to me, i really did think i was totally alone

thanks everyone i shall do exactly as you suggest in the morning, its now getting late in the uk, so i am going to try and sleep

goodnight, wherenext!

Wherenext, the one thing I can tell you with 100% positive assurance is that

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

morning everyone

I have had a read through all the material and because my brain is so fuddled i am having a hard time trying to build a plan in my head.

I cant use the workplace exposure plan as here in the uk it would be harrassment and could leave me in a victimisation case.
all his family know that he left because of the affair but he still claims we just didnt work out.

so he continues to live at his brothers monday to thursday and stay at her house which is about a 45 minute journey fri night to sunday night.
i have discovered that sunday he arrived back at his brothers around mid afternoon, he said there was a family dinner arranged for 7pm but he decided not to go because it would have been rude to leave at 9.30 to get his train and it would cause embarrassment - this party turned out to be her sons engagement dinner.

wherenext

i am sorry you are here but since you are already touched by infidelity welcome to the best place no one wants to be (MB) ........

It is kind of early for most right now but if you want to save your marriage listen to the vets here they know their stuff.

Exposure & Plan A is your best course of action right now, read up on these.

Again sorry you are here but you are in good hands if you follow the advice.