I have a 6,100 word "first post", but I'm not sure of the best way to make the information available in a even reasonably chunked size for readability. Anyone have an opinion on what I should do? Or just bite the bullet and put the whole thing in one post?

just make sure it is broken in paragraphs - no more than 2-3 sentences in a paragraph

[It's broken into paragraphs, but many are not as short as requested. Not sure how to do more, so I'm just going to hit Submit with what I've got and hope someone(s) can wade through my rambling.]

I've been lurking on MB for 15 months through two different accounts (due to the crash). I spent most of my time in the MB101 forum and just reading and rereading the articles. Since my suspicions were confirmed late last year about WW having an A, I've been spending a lot of time the last few months reading threads in SAA.

Now that WW has been in her own place for a week, I am delurking to get targeted opinions and suggestions on how to best handle the mess that she and I have made. I'm not sure of whether I should do this since 1) a few other threads have gotten me thinking that I'm just going through the ending of an affairage, so these are my just desserts, 2) she's already moved out, and 3) while I have strong suspicions that the affair is still occurring, I have no proof, so I cannot complete the exposure that I began.

Lot of history to cover:

Me: 40
WW: 38
Married: Dec 1993, 16 years
DD 18, from her first marriage
DS 15
DD 14

We met in high school when I was a senior and she was a freshman. We did not date in high school, just good friends. We kept in touch by phone as I was in college and she continued in high school, tailing off as we both got older until we were down to one chat a month or so, especially during her senior year as she started dating her first husband. I did receive an invite and attended their wedding that was held on Valentine's Day, her senior year of high school. After her marriage, our phone calls to one another got further and further apart, as they should, and we probably only talked two or three times over the next year. Over two years later, I receive a phone call out of the blue from her. She had been separated for six months and was three weeks from the finalization of her divorce. We got to talking and I invited her up to Dallas (where I was working in an intern position while finishing up college) to go to Six Flags that upcoming weekend. She accepted and we had our first date weekend. There was no SF, but a lot of hand holding and kissing.

We dated long-distance throughout the summer. It wasn't every weekend, but we saw each other at least twice each month. I would either drive down to Austin or she would come up to Dallas. Sometimes with DD18, sometimes without. DD18's 2nd birthday was in September and, while I was unable to attend due to other commitments, my parents did attend. In August, her best friend said she was going on a cruise to celebrate college graduation. My WW had already told me that she enjoyed going on cruises (this was her family's way to vacation while growing up) and I wanted to do something impressive for her, so I asked her if she wanted to go along, too. Of course she said, "Yes", so I started making plans for the cruise, the week before Christmas. In October, I interviewed with the university's study abroad program and was accepted to attend the University of Melbourne in Australia beginning that upcoming February. Thanksgiving weekend, I proposed, she accepted and we decided to make the cruise our honeymoon. We got married, we went on the honeymoon, I left for Oz, she joined me in April, we conceived DS15, we came back from Oz, I got a job, DS15 was born, we bought our first house.

Much time passes where I did a bad job at meeting her ENs, leaving her feeling lonely, and not understanding what she was trying to say when she did communicate about what she was feeling. On her part, she did a good job at avoiding confrontation and hiding her feelings. When we did talk, I had DJs in the form of sarcastic comments or talking down to her.

The kids are older and not as needy and my WW, who has done nothing but take care of people (her brother after her mom died when she was 10, her grandparents, our kids, me), she finds herself unhappy and with more time on her hands. The job I had in town went belly-up and I had to start working on a project in Atlanta (May 2007). The IC that she had been seeing to figure out if there was something wrong with her (I did not know this is why she was seeing an IC) keeps pushing her to do two things - 1) tell me how she was feeling, 2) find things that make her happy. She starts taking karate with DD18 and DS15 and begin helping out with karate classes as a part-time instructor. The head instructor raises white-tail deer on a ranch outside of town and asks WW if she wants to see them. WW likes all kinds of animals, so she goes along. On the way out to his ranch, 45 out of town, she realizes that it's more-or-less near the ranch that her family owned while she was growing up...where she had the best times of her life, including owning her own horse. Somewhere in the following conversations, he mentions that he has plenty of room and if she ever had any animals she could run them at his place.

The "no more than 2-months" project in Atlanta kept getting extended further and further. During that time, we ended up with 5 horses, 2 llamas, 3 donkeys, a popup trailer, a horse trailer, a flatbed trailer, a 4-wheeler, a 3-wheeler and a partridge in a pear tree all at his ranch. As we got into the six-month range (Oct 2007), I started noticing that every time I came back to town, she left to go to the ranch. In my naive thinking, this seemed fair - it was now my turn to take care of the kids. She also started doing karate every day - either taking classes or teaching classes. This continues for a while until I realize she's pulling away. When I was out of town, she wouldn't call to let me know how the kids or her day was. When I called, I would get short answers and phone calls would end quickly. I finally got up the nerve on 25 May 2008 to ask her, "Are you mad at me or are you having an affair?" That's when she dropped the bomb, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." That she hasn't been happy for a while; that she didn't know how to tell me; that whenever she did talk to me, I would get defensive and retort with sarcastic comments.

I believe that in one of the discussions on DDay, I mentioned that I'd been looking at the cell phone bills and that it was obvious that talking to me (while I was out of town) was not a priority to her, but that talking to OM was. The number of minutes in comparison between him and I was about 3 to 1. Two days later, I was out of town but needed to check her email to get some information for the kids' upcoming summer camps. I stumbled across an email activating a pay-as-you-go phone. When I logged into that account, I noticed that the only calls were between her and him. I got sick to my stomach and immediately jumped on a plane home. When I confronted her, she told me that she'd gotten the phone for one of the other black belt instructors and that she'd given it to him. Something didn't feel right, so, the next morning while she was in the shower, I went out and checked her car, and found the phone. When she got in the car to drive the kids to school and then to her class, I walked outside and handed her the phone and told her, "I don't think you want to forget this." and walked back into the house. Twenty minutes later, she's walking back into the house crying. She told me that she was trying to save my feelings by using another phone to talk to the OM.

That afternoon, I spoke with my HR and the project director and stopped travelling out of town, so I could focus on my marriage.

She gets the name of a MC and we start in July 2008. The MC helps us start talking to each other, but really don't work on anything other than talking and listening. I started reading everything I could find on marriage and relationships. Around late Nov 2008, I stumbled onto MB. I found the EN stuff, especially the RC interesting, as one of the WW's complaints is that we never had anything in common and don't enjoy doing the same thing. I tried introducing her to the surveys and the information, but it was just one more thing I was forcing her to do. So, I resolved to just be the best husband I could be (in a Plan A sort of way). We attend MC until March 2009. We stopped going mainly because the conversations had devolved to just talking about daily household stuff - care of the children, how to pay bills, how to deal with the foreign exchange student living in our house who had started dating an alleged drug dealer, etc. The WW decided she was tired of going to counseling and said she was going to stop her IC, as well. That lasted three weeks and then she was back in IC, but MC was finished. At one point she mentioned, "I can see that you have changed and do more around the house for me and the kids, but I have changed too, and I don't know what I want."

In the middle of the months of counseling, there was another phone incident. On a Saturday night, the family was sitting in the living room watching TV. WW was on her computer doing class registrations at the kitchen table. The following day, we had a family outing to OM's ranch to ride horses or just hang out. Cell phones don't work all that well out there, the connections are sporadic. About mid-afternoon, the OM's phone went nuts while he was sitting on the porch and I was walking out of the door of the ranch house. I looked over his shoulder while he was scanning the ten or so text messages that had arrived and saw one from my wife time stamped from the prior night while she was sitting at the table with the rest of us were on the couch watching TV. The content of the message was, 'I love you.' I kept quiet about it until after the kids were in bed and I was in the hot tub, polishing off 1/4 bottle of amaretto. She came out to see what I was doing and I told her, "I don't think you should come out here." "Why?" "I'm getting drunk because my wife is in love with another man." "Huh?" She tried to explain it off as her way of saying thanks for something he did and that it was a joke. I didn't buy it and we went back and forth until she finally admitted (as much as she was going to) that she had made a bad decision and that it was wrong of her to send that message to another married man. This discussion takes multiple hours, during which I'm frequently ill due to the amount of alcohol that I drank and the heat from the hot tub.

It was around this timeframe that I began checking the text messages on her phone frequently/religiously. At some point, she caught me one too many times, so she started deleting any messages between her and him.

We went on our 15th wedding anniversary in Dec 2008 to a B&B and shopping in a small community nearby and had, what I thought was a good time, but the wife told the MC the following week that, while she had some fun, she just didn't feel any connection to me. Time passes and we are essentially in limbo, but the family stress does not lessen. I'm having trouble finding project work in town. Foreign exchange student runs away to live with her boyfriend. WW breaks bones in her foot and needs foot surgery to remove nerves. DD18 moves out to live with her other dad, because she feels we are too strict (something about the "no SF in the house" rule and my walking in on her and her boyfriend on three separate occasions). DD18's other dad lets the boyfriend move in. I have my 40th birthday. DD18 has stomach pains that result in her gall bladder and appendix being removed. A week later, she graduates from high school.

Something happens, potentially during her IC session, and the wife decides to get the name of another MC at the end of June. We go see him twice. He basically told me to continue listening and being the best husband I can be and avoiding DJs. He told the WW that she needs to spend more time with me, including going on dates, even if it feels uncomfortable and try to find things in common. She had no desire to hear any of that or try, so she again decided for us to stop going to MC. It was about this point that we more-or-less stopped spending any time alone, as well. Other than time spent driving to/from various places, we only had three official dates (time alone for 1+ hours) from July 2009 through Jan 2010.

During the summer, WW's back gives out from the combination of teaching 7 karate classes a week, plus training for her black belt. She makes plans for back surgery in December, after she takes her black belt test in October and the current teaching session end.

The first Friday of October, WW calls me at work and asks me to meet her for lunch. We get there and eat and she tells me she's been looking around and thinking about moving out because she needs her space and she's not comfortable in the house around me. We go around in circles on the topic with my saying that she can move out and the kids and I will stay at the home while she says she and the kids are moving out. She said she had not even considered the former idea as an option. We come to no agreement after multiple hours of talking.

The next weekend, WW and DS go with the OM to a national karate tournament in Minnesota. When they get back, I get a quick chance at her cell phone and find from her to OM, "It is soooooo nice out here....Wish u were with me" referring to the snow and cool weather. It was about here that I think the EA turned PA, but I'm not certain and she won't confirm. I do know that, thanks to the conversation from the week before, I was hypersensitive and I was able to start catching more of her lies. For instance, she had told me she and DS would be sleeping on the floor in the hotel room. She came home complaining about her back being sore from sleeping on the floor...although I'd already confirmed with DS that she'd slept in the same bed as OM.

She schedules her surgery for our anniversary...and tells my SIL, "I forgot to tell u they moved it to thursday...which is my annivesary...thats ok cause im not so excited to celebrate". After surgery (the Saturday night/Sunday following Christmas), we go out to the ranch to spend the evening. That morning, while she is out feeding horses with DD14 and he is feeding deer, I get ahold of his phone. I find a couple of text messages that solidify my suspicions - from the day before the surgery (he was driving cross-country): "Cant wait to see ya and be held tight in ur arms. Thats where i feel the safest. Im really getting scared about the surgery." "Did you get pic. BS with me now :(" "Yes thanks next to me with XXXXX in" from Christmas Eve: "Name a place ill be there asap. dont call text". Those are the ones that I saved. There were a couple of others prior to Christmas where she had told me she was going shopping, but she would meet up with him at a restaurant and do whatever. The "pic" text message confused me, so I logged into her online phone account and took a look at the images she had sent and received. There were naked images of her, (at least) one of which was definitely sent to him and he had replied with a picture of his genitalia. I downloaded and saved those pictures.

The next day, instead of working, I'm considering divorce, calling an attorney, calling the phone company and trying to get her text records (Sprint is useless in this regard). I head back to MB and start "living" virtually in the SAA forum. I change my mind on divorce, and draft a Plan B letter and try to determine the best time to give it to her. Between Christmas and Valentine's Day we had plans for - Christmas (multiple family events), New Years (party with friends), WW's birthday, national karate tournament in town for which my wife was the assistant director, my mom's birthday, DS14's birthday and V-Day. The next couple of days basically slowed to a crawl for me while I waffled back and forth. On 30 Dec, I come home from work and she says she's going to go stay with a friend whose dog had died and the two of them were going to go bury it on some family property the next morning. Something didn't smell right, so I gave her a 15 minute head start, and then drove over to her friend's house. Her vehicle wasn't there. Hoping that I was wrong and she had just gone to run an errand elsewhere, I start the hour long drive to OM's ranch. Half-way there, about the point she'd be before cell phone service becomes unreliable, I get a text from her that says her friend is quiet and not up to talking and she's falling asleep and wanted to tell me good night. So, now I'm thinking, "I'm halfway and this may be for nothing, but I'm going to check it out to be safe." 30 minutes later, I get to the ranch and find her truck parked next to his. I run back to my car, spend the next hour re-drafting my Plan B letter, then go down and leave it in her driver's seat, head back to the car and start the drive home. When I got back to cell phone range, I call the ranch phone and leave a message on the answering machine (which is next to their head), "WW, there is a letter for you in your truck. Good night." I then drafted and sent (at 1am) a 4-part text message to her family and friends (with the exception of my FIL), telling them that my wife is having an affair and I asked her to move out and she would need support and comfort from them. Driving home, her sister called and offered her support for me and helping to take care of the kids.

I get home at 2am, tell DS that he needs to go to bed and that mom and I had had a really big fight and I didn't think that I would be going to the planned New Year's Eve party the following day. I then go into the bedroom, lock the door and proceed to stare at the ceiling wondering what to do next, calm down my breathing and pulse rate. 30 minutes later, I hear things in sequence - the garage door goes up, DS wanders down the hall to his room and closes the door (he must have heard the garage door, too, since it's directly below the room he was playing computer games in), house alarm chirps as the door opens and closes, then WW comes up the stairs and tries the bedroom door. She knocks quietly. She's crying. She asks quietly to let her in. She pleads. I send her a text saying that I meant what I said in the letter. I hear her phone go off. She reads the message. Crying gets a little louder. After what seems like an eternity, but probably was only 4-5 minutes, I can't stand it any longer, plus I don't want her to wake up/scare DS, and let her into the room. Plan B busted in a little less than 90 minutes. She's crying, saying she's sorry. Somewhere in there she says she just went there to talk. "So, you and OM just talk?" "Yes." I turned the room light on, walked over to my desk, grabbed two pieces of paper and handed her the copy of the pictures she and he had exchanged. She just got quiet for a while. Then starts in how she's ashamed that she did that but that that's all that she did. I don't believe her, based on the text message from earlier in the month, but I don't say anything. We talk for a long while. Then she asks if I called her brother. I told her I had exposed her to a number of family and close friends, as well as her IC (I accidentally woke her IC up at 3am). She went fire hot. It's not called the "nuclear option" for nothing. I remained calm in the face of her ranting. Eventually we went to sleep as the sun was coming up and then, around 9am, she went to actually bury the dog with her friend. Her friend was among those in the exposure. I had sent her a specific message saying that WW had used her and her grief as an excuse to meet up with OM.

After the burial, WW went to see her father and, supposedly, confess. I was not there. I did not stand my ground and say I should be there. I have no idea what she actually told him. I do know that, as a result of their meeting, he invited himself to her IC session the following week. She said that she finally got through to him on things she's been telling him for years that she was not happy.

WW does everything but full NC, but tells me she has told him she will only talk to him if it is karate-related. She backs out of most of her duties for the tournament. She starts looking for a part-time job to keep her occupied in the mornings. She starts looking for a replacement for her afterschool karate classes. (During this, I'm getting info on the MB Weekend and MB Online Seminar, exchanging emails with her and the MB staff. Unfortunately, MB Weekend is the same as the national karate tournament, so we'd have to go to the next one and it's not scheduled yet.)

This lasted a week.

I intercepted three emails between WW and OM on the same day, which she sent while driving back from a funeral with FIL and SIL. The first was asking about when her classes would start and who was teaching what. It ended with "miss ya". The second said, "open your facebook you can chat with me" and he replied "i'm on FB now". Later that night, she says she was teaching FIL how to use Facebook. Reading more on SAA about spying, I then purchased and installed eBlaster on both of her computers.

The following week she was hired for a part-time job and she started on 13 Jan. I sent flowers to the office for her first day of work. This made a big stir in the office and she got mad for my embarrassing her. She said, "This is just your way of controlling me and telling everyone that I'm married."

The following Monday (18 Jan), I intercepted an email she wrote to herself with an unknown address and phone number. Thanks to Google, I found out that the phone number corresponded to that of a realtor and the address to a rental property a couple of miles away from our house.

The next Monday (25 Jan), the day before her birthday, she asks to talk to me and then reads a letter that she wrote, "I have something i need to talk to you about and dont want to have a big discussion. After talking to BIL1, BIL2, SIL and FIL, i have to decided that moving and seperating for a while would be a good idea and good for me and my heealth. Dad is helping me find a place and is offering to help me out. After you sent out all those texts and emails, our marrige has become even more difficult and uncomfortable. You smuther me and accuse me. Im tired of it and it hurts. I cant talk to you, I dont feel safe. I dont feel safe in my own home. I need to take care of me this time and not others. I have always take care of others first. I do wnat to stay friends and try to keep talking, I just need some space and time to feel happy. You never know where life might take us..." [At this point, I don't remember how much of this letter was actually read out loud. I know some was and some was off the top of her head. This text is stolen from what eBlaster says was typed.] She then left the house and went to a friend's house. Checking phone records later, the first call she made was to OM. When I confronted her about it the next day, she said she was just checking on her trailer for hauling things to the upcoming tournament. I told her that it seems awfully coincidental and, given my lack of trust after New Year's, that I don't believe her.

That weekend was the national karate tournament. DD18 came in first in her sparring division. DS15 did well, but did not place in forms or sparring. I worked the tournament as the roving information booth. WW did her job as the assistant tournament director. As part of the tournament, OM got a pay-as-you-go phone and gave his phone to WW. Only people with a real need to know got the pay-phone's number. Everyone else went through my wife.

The Monday following the tournament, I notice a "minutes card" in her car, one used to add minutes to a pay-as-you-go phone. A little more spying and I determine that she has the phone now and has reloaded it. It has two phone numbers in it - OM's cell and OM's ranch number. She does not know that I know she has the phone. I guess I'm just supposed to think that the fact that the numerous phone calls between them each day just mysteriously ended because she's being "good" now.

On Wednesday (03 Feb), she told me that she wanted to warn me, in case I hear any messages on the answering machine that she'd put in her application for a house, but that she'd been denied. I told her I didn't know if I was happy or sad for her. Sad that she didn't get something she was hoping for, happy that she was staying home. Her response was, "I know."

On Thursday, thinking that I needed to protect my rights if she did move out, I made an appointment with an attorney.

During the day on Friday, while I am sitting with DD18 as she's going through another round of procedures for her stomach (colonoscopy this time), I see a number of phone calls between WW and the realtor. That evening, while she's teaching her evening karate class, I go through her truck and find a signed lease and stubs for, what I'm guessing, were deposits. When she got home that evening, I told her what I found and I was wondering when she was planning on moving. She said she didn't know, with DD14's birthday the coming week, she didn't want to disrupt things.

I take DS15 to his band performance on Saturday morning. She shows up at the site accusing me of taking her truck so she couldn't move. She drives DS15 home in one vehicle and I drive the other. On the way, since she'd already asked my BILs to help her move and she wasn't sure when they were going to be at the house, she decides to tell DS15 that she's moving. Apparently, that discussion did not go well, because when DS15 gets out of the truck, he has a blank face and she has tears streaming down her face. DD18 comes out of the house (she had been there to borrow a dress from her mother), sees us talking, sees WW crying and comes and asks what's going on. We tell her together that WW is moving to her own home. The three of us then go in and round up everyone and we have a family talk, with me doing the majority of the talking this time, which basically goes - WW and I have been having problems for a while. WW is not happy, does not feel safe in our home and feels she needs her own home so she can learn to be happy again. I do not agree with the decision, I do not think it is the correct decision, but I cannot stop her. This will remain our family's home. The other house is your mom's home. You can go to visit and/or stay at whichever home you want and we will work out arrangements. WW then takes them all to lunch. I'm sick to my stomach and stay home.

She moves out that afternoon/evening.

During the moving, she manages to lock herself out of her house. She asks if she and DS15 can come back and spend the night in our house. I tell her she is always welcome at our home.

On Superbowl Sunday, the older BIL manages to break into her home and she continues moving. Then we go to the younger BIL's house for the Superbowl. On the way home, I ask at which house she's planning on sleeping. She says she's really tired and asked if she could sleep at our home. I repeat the "always welcome" line.

Monday, the 8th, we try and figure out what to do for DD14's birthday on Tuesday and we take DD14 to the high school to work out what classes she's going to take the following year. We get back to our house around 9pm and WW makes dinner. After dinner, she says she's going to run over to her house and get some clothes for work the next day, and then be back. A cold front had hit during the day, taking temperatures down to almost freezing. She says that the gas wouldn't be turned on until Tuesday and that it was too cold to stay in her place. This time, she didn't ask, she just assumed. I know I opened the door.

Also on Monday, I went to the appointment with the attorney. When I made the appointment on Friday, I was just trying to find out what my options were to protect myself when my wife did eventually move out. I definitely didn't expect it to occur the next day. I told the attorney all this. Basically, she told me I need to set boundaries, but that I've done as much as I can do for now until WW files for divorce, with the exception of having discussions about bills, joint accounts, children visitation and access to the two houses.

On Tuesday, we went out to eat for a birthday dinner for DD14. WW's parents and my parents both showed up. Before we had even ordered food, WW remembered that she had forgotten to deliver something to one of the karate classes near our house. She and DD18 left to make the delivery, showing back up 30 minutes later. At home, I helped the kids do homework while WW cleaned up downstairs, including washing dishes and vacuuming the now-totally empty DD18's room. I asked her what she was doing. "Just helping out. I made this mess when I moved, so I should be the one to clean it up." I told her that she made her choice to move out and that, while this was our house, it was no longer her responsibility. That just made her sad. She slept on the couch.

Wednesday, she stayed at her house for the first time. DS15 stayed with her. I started keeping a log of WW and kids. From the point that she left, I did hear from her for 24 hours. When I did, it was because I was attending the adult karate class and she was finishing up teaching the kids class.

DD14 stayed with me all week. DS15 came over and stayed for the weekend. On Saturday, DD14 had a birthday party where I essentially took care of everything - cleaning, picking up kids, organizing the time for the movie, ordering the pizza and having it delivered when we got back from the movie, setting up the hot tub. WW left around 8pm. She wasn't feeling well. I stayed up with the 6 teenage girls until 1am. I think they finally went to bed around 4am. DD14 had asked WW to make pancakes in the morning. I woke the girls up at 8am, because one of them had to leave early for church. The others went back to sleep. I pick up some of the aftermath of the party and then the girls tell me they are hungry at 8:30am. I called WW and told her they were ready. Another of the girls left at 9:30. WW shows up at 9:45. After breakfast and watching TV with the girls, WW packs up some more of the kitchen stuff and leaves around 1:30. At some point in the packing, she asks me if I wanted to go out and eat dinner with her for Valentine's Day. I said, "Yes" semi-stunned that she asked. She comes back around 5:30 and we take the kids and drop them off at the restaurant where the ILs are eating. The ILs had asked to eat with us, but we told them we were going out, so they asked the kids if they wanted to join them. My kids know not to turn down a meal. WW and I went and waited for our table for 40 minutes. During this time, I'm trying to engage her in conversation. I notice that she has tears in her eyes. I ignore them and keep up the small talk. We have a pleasant time, then go and pick up the kids and take them to DD18's new job at a yogurt store for dessert. We got home around 9:30, then the kids both packed up and went to WW's house. This was DD14's first night in the house.

Yesterday was another school holiday, so I chose to work from home again. WW called me on her way in to work to confirm plans for the kids for the day. I asked her if she would tell me about the tears from the night before. She said, "You were talking about the kids and the things they do and said to you. They won't talk to me. They hate me." I told her that they didn't hate her, but that they're still trying to adjust to the situation and that it had only been a week. DD14 called and asked me to pick her up, so she could go to a friend's house prior to going to a band rehearsal. Then DS15 text'd me and asked me to pick him up, so he could get his backpack and homework. When he got to our house, he then started cleaning my car. We had talked over the weekend that I would pay him to do so, but he hadn't made any effort, so I didn't pressure him. Both kids spent the night at her house.

...and that brings us more-or-less up-to-date...I'm currently waiting on the WW and kids to return from the weekly tumbling class. DD14 has asked WW for a specific dinner and asked that WW include me in the meal...

gnirlos, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

I am not trying to be rude, but would it be possible to do this in a 3-4 paragraph version? Truly, we don't need much than that to get the picture. You will probably get more responses if you can condense this down to 4 paragraphs. Thanks so much.

gnirlos, I concur with MelodyLane. Now that you've posted your story, could you also post the "digest version" for those of us with mild ADD?

[Let's see how well I can shrink it. I got it down from 6,100 words to 1,000.]

16 year marriage that started as dating in the final three weeks of WW's first marriage. DD18 (from first marriage), DS15, DD14

I failed to meet her ENs and didn't understand her when she tried to tell me. Frequently (always?) I would respond with DJs. She started bottling everything inside.

Soon after I started on a new consulting project out-of-town (Monday to Thursday in Atlanta), she started spending more time in her new hobby of karate, both taking classes and teaching them and acting as the administrative assistant for the owner/head instructor. DS15 has been taking karate in this instructor's school system (multiple classes all over town) since he was 7 or 8.

OM also owns a deer breeding business on a ranch about an hour outside of town. WW loves animals of all kinds. He asked if she wanted to see them, she said yes. On the first trip to the ranch, she realized it was near property where she grew up and she started getting nostalgic for her "happier life" of a pre-teen and teenager. OM says if she ever has animals that she needed a place for, he'd be more than happy to let her board them at his ranch.

Soon after, we ended up with horses and other critters. She also began spending more and more time taking care of them. I would fly back to town on Thursdays, she would leave for the ranch for Thursday night and sometimes Friday. The EA started here.

After 6 months of my noticing her getting more and more distant from me, I stop her one Sunday and ask her, "Are you mad at me or are you having an affair?" She says it's not an affair, but the standard, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." plus "We have nothing in common, have no common interests." and "You're controlling".

I begin working with my HR and management to get back to town on a permanent basis. I do so in July 2008 about the same time we started MC.

7 months of MC. We got better at talking to each other, but spent most of our sessions talking about "normal" household issues. She wanted to stop going to all counselors, our MC and her IC. So, we stopped. She went back to IC after three weeks.

In the middle of the MC, I found MB and read everything on the site plus all of the Harley books and probably every other relationship book out there. I essentially went into a Plan A, improving myself, taking over most of the household items, being a better father. I printed out the various surveys, filled out my parts, asked her to fill out hers. She felt that I was pushing too hard and forcing her to do things.

During this time were two incidents regarding phones and text messages that show the EA. I start monitoring her call logs and text messages. She catches me one too many times and starts deleting all texts between her and OM.

Time passes. Life happens. We try MC again with another counselor in July 2009. He makes suggestions about us finding common things to do together. He makes specific suggestions for WW to do. She has no desire to do any of the above. We only go to two sessions. I continue my best to follow MB concepts and show her the best side.

More time passes. In Sept, she tells me she's thinking about moving out. I'm spending more and more time reading MB101.

In Oct, I manage to catch a text message that shows the EA is even deeper before she deletes it. I become hyper-sensitive.

The weekend following Christmas, I am able to get access to his phone and see the texts that they exchanged. They had been meeting secretly at restaurants when she was supposedly Christmas shopping. I also find reference to pictures. I hack into her phone's online picture gallery and find naked pictures that they exchanged the day before our anniversary (the week prior to Christmas).

I'm going to Plan D at this point, but came back to MB and started reading the SAA forum. I convince myself to try Plan B first. I draft a letter and then sit on it trying to find the best time to deliver it.

On 30 Dec, when she was supposedly at her friend's house. I found her truck parked at OM's ranch at midnight (remember: 1 hour away). I rewrote my Plan B letter and left it in her truck. I sent text messages to her friends and family (with the exception of my FIL) explaining that I found WW in an affair and asked her to move out and that I would appreciate if they would help her through this troubling time.

I did not expose to OM's wife.

Plan B lasted 90 minutes. I couldn't handle her crying when she came home. She says it was not PA. I have no proof that there was more than pictures. I have a text message that implies there was...umm...personal gratification going on, but nothing that says it was mutual...just occurring in the same bed.

She supposedly exposed to FIL. She told him something, but I'm unsure exactly what. He did invite himself to her next IC. She says that he finally heard and understood what she was telling him about the past few years of being unhappy with me.

She said that she told OM not to contact her except for karate-related activities.

R lasted a week when I found an email from her to him, the end of which said "miss ya". With the exception of that email and the knowledge of a pay-as-you-go phone, I have no proof that anything is actually occurring between them. My stomach and brain say otherwise...so, based on other stuff that I've read here...something is definitely happening...

She moved out last week, claiming she needs to do this for herself. I'm too smothering and controlling and accusatory.

[Take 3. Bare Bones. 200 words]
16 year marriage. 3 kids - DD18 (from her first marriage), DS15, DD14

I did not meet her ENs for a long time. I did not know she was unhappy. We did not communicate well at all.

EA started with owner/head karate instructor where DD18, DS15 and WW were taking karate.

EA progressed to some form of PA in Fall 2009 (maybe earlier, she would not elaborate), but cannot confirm how far. I know there were naked pictures exchanged. I have a text message that implies some�umm�personal activity�that occurred while in the same bed�it�s unclear if the activity was mutual.

I caught WW at OM�s place on New Year�s Eve's Eve (30 Dec). I redrafted a Plan B letter and left it in her truck. She came home an hour later and I could not keep Plan B in place. I did expose to close friends and her family, with the exception of FIL. I did not expose to OM�s wife.

R lasted a week. She refused to go full NC. I�m mostly certain that it�s back to just an EA now, but I don�t trust a word out of her mouth�especially when she says she hasn�t talked to him and her cell phone call log shows differently. I have no proof that anything is actually occurring.

She moved out ten days ago�into a 3 bedroom house for the DS15 and DD14 when they chose to stay there.

I gasther that you've been reading the materials on this site for a long time, but haven't actually implemented much more than an attempt at Plan A.

The problem with your Plan A attempt is that you allowed her affair to go on without really attempting to put a stop to it. By delaying any eral action, you have allowed this affair to become entrenched.

If you are financing her house, stop. Do not finance any part of her affair. Move all the stuff you paid for that is at OM's farm/ranch to another location, IF you can prove ownership. I would probably sell what I could.

Tell your kids the TRUTH about why she moved out...that she is committing adultery and wants the freedom to do so.

Oh, and here's a 2x4 for you: WHY in the world did you allow your DS15 to go on a trip with his mother and her adultery partner? The fact that she slept with the OM in the presence of your son is disgusting!

Expose to everybody associated with karate. Are you taking karate classes from the OM? WHY???

Expose to the OM's family and friends, too. Talk to your FiL yourself and tell him that you want to save your marriage and that his helping his daughter do a wrong thing is not being supportive or helpful to her or his grandchildren.

Remove yourself and your children from any exposure to the OM.
Finad another karate school. If your DS protests, remind him that the OM is the reason his mother left.

Read a post called "The Carrot and the Stick" of Plan A.

That said, I do understand that your WW was only a short time from finalizing her divorce from her 1st H when she called you, but you really shouuld have waited out that time before getting involved with her. Married is married until the divorce papers are signed by the judge, or one of the spouses kicks the bucket.

Your exposure was ineffective for the most part because you didn't complete it. These persons should have been on the list:

1. The OM's wife (OMW)
2. Your children
3. The Karate team
4. Anyone else involved in your WW and OM's life than can help to bring an end to the A.

I agree with Lady Clueless' comments. Now is not the time to play "nice" in hopes that things will get better. You allowed DS to travel with WW and OM? Good grief...

All this time on MB and you never exposed OMW, WW parents and siblings and your kids.

Then you allow your kids to be around the OM.

Unbelieveable.

Time to remove OM from kids life and expose.

Next cut off your money to WW. Do not pay to enable her affair.

Thank you so much! I have the gist now. My suggestion would be to expose the affair. Although the affair has become very entrenched, exposure still gives you the best chance. Everyone should know.

And I would not allow your kids around the OM. They should be told this is an adulterous affair and given moral guidance. Have you read Dr Harleys newsletter on exposure over on the newsletter forum?

You were dating her before her divorce became final? Ummm, .

@L_C
2x4 needed and appreciated. That's why I posted. I need help. What I've been doing is wrong in so many (every?) ways. While I've read and appreciate the MB tenets, actually putting them in practice (correctly) does not come naturally to me. I won't say I know the best way to proceed with everything, but my goal is start doing the right thing.

Financing: I am not paying for her rental home or any of the associated bills. My FiL is helping her financially. From her own words, "Dad is helping some". I know that she could not have put down the deposits for the rental home without his help. She has also purchased a new refrigerator ($800) and a bed ($300) in the last week, but only the bed shows up as a credit card transaction. She has royalty checks + part-time income from one job + part-time income from teaching karate (only paid every 3 months). The largest amount is the royalty checks. Based on the last few deposits and my guessing at what her new utility bills will be, if she is frugal, she should be able to meet her financial committments.

Stuff I Paid For: For the most part, the livestock and ranch equipment were paid for by her royalty checks and the checks/funds came out of the trust account in which the royalty checks are deposited. I have paid for some feed from our joint account, but those are few and far between. Based on my understanding of divorce law and from sitting through some of the trust account restructuring meetings, the funds that come from the royalty/trust are hers and I have no claim to them and items purchased with those funds are also hers.

Exposure: Okay, so the list of people to expose to is - FiL, OMW, DD18, DS15, DS14. I'm not sure how to expose to the karate association in the best manner. I did tell two of the closest people to her in karate that night I told everyone else that she was having an affair, but I did not name OM's name. Some others know that I sent messages regarding my wife and an affair, but do not know the content. How do I approach the conversations with the DD's and DS? How do I approach the conversation with OMW, since I have no actual proof. At this point, seeing that she has moved out, it seems to me like people would view it as "sour grapes" and something I made up to get back at my WW for moving out.

Karate: OM is the owner/head instructor, but no longer teaches classes himself. Classes are not held in one location, they are at schools and recreation centers all over town (30 of them). The instructors come from the ranks of the black and brown belts. Since there are so many choices, it is easy to

Dating pre-1st Divorce: Yes, it was wrong. I know that now. I did not know that then. I can't take it back now.


@MiM
It was not just the three of them (OM, WW, DS15) on the karate trip. There were two other blackbelts along and all in the same hotel room. I would have gone along, except that DD14 had a volleyball tournament that weekend. I believed WW when she had said previously that nothing physical had ever occurred between them. I believed WW when she said she would be sleeping on the floor with DS15. This was prior to my coming to SAA and realizing "how to tell when a WW is lying: their mouth is moving".


@TheRoad
I am not paying for anything in her life on her own. I am still paying the bills for our marital home and the bills we created together prior to last week.


@ML
Yes, I've read the newsletter in the past and I just reread it now. My uncertainty is how to best approach the conversations. Putting the exposure back in action is one thing. Doing it in the right way with the right words is another.


@Fred
Yes, I did. I provided that information to the MB community because I don't want to hide anything about the past 16 years. Everything is relevant and the community shouldn't be left guessing. Although I know that I slanted everything in my 6000 and 1000 word posts towards the wife. I know that I have my own faults and I haven't listed all of them. I realize that I left out the biggest one that my wife commented on in one of our MC sessions that I had not known about myself until she'd mentioned it - I have had more friends of the opposite sex than I have had of the same sex and that I had no compunctions about telling anyone (male or female) anything about me, my family, my life. Since she mentioned it and how much it bothered her in the MC sessions, I have taken measures to not be any friendlier to females than I am to males. I tell her when one of my coworkers asks me out to lunch and ask her if it's okay. I tell her when I receive a non-work-related email. I don't share anything about my life other than the highest level/superficial with other people, except my closest (male) friend. However, I did not take these precautions early in the marriage. In that way, I know that I am guilty of EAs, too. I apologized and stopped.

gnirlos, the were not just about you dating a woman who was still married, but that a woman who was still married was dating you.

Do you see the ?

Yes, I see it. Before it was a bad thing. Now it's a pattern.

Is there a mailing list from the karate club that would enable you to send an email to the other members reporting this affair and alerting the other members to the risks of being associated with the OM? He is not fit to be around children because he is a danger to families and marriages.

I would also take your children out of karate. They should never be exposed to him again. He is their enemy and they need to know it and be protected from him.

If I were you, I would expose this affair in a strategic and methodical way to get the maximum effect. Doing it all on the same day is the most effective way because it has a tsunami effect and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you and spinning the story. The story they will tell will be something like: solring is abusive so I left him and am ending the marriage. I have been unhappy for years. In the meantime, MrKarate has been a real friend to me and is helping me recover from the pain my H [satan incarnate] has inflicted on me. Satan is jealous and vindictive over this. <------------this is how she will spin it. And some will believe it, but that is ok.

I would first gather up all the phone #s of your exposure targets and make up a list. I would top the list with the OMW and your children and proceed from there. You would want to call or meet with the OMW and give her your evidence of the affair. Sit your children down and tell them about the affair. Tell them they are not to be around MrKarate and their membership there is done.

From there, I would call her parents, close friends, close siblings, etc.. Give them the facts about the affair, tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. And [very important!!] ask for their advice. Doing this motivates them to take up your cause.

If you can get the info, expose to the OM�s parents. If not, ask the OMW to do this exposure and tell her that exposure will kill this affair faster than anything.

Oddly, some exposure targets say �ok, I will keep this a secret!!� NONONONO!! That will defeat the purpose. Tell them, oh no!! please don�t do that, because affairs thrive on secrecy.

Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out a mass email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this [change to suit your situation]:

When you do expose, you should be prepared for your WW to flip out. They always FLIP out and make all manner of threats, "I am was going to work on the marriage, now I am going to file!!" blah, blah, blah, yip and yap. Just understand what has really happened here is the equivalence of bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. They are furious because you ruined their high!

So, don't let this scare you in any way. In fact, the madder she is, the more effective your exposure was. Just don't fight with her or allow her to drag you into a fight. Don't try and reason with her either; you can't reason with someone who is high.

I would also shoot off a complaint to the Better Business Bureau. [3 paragraphs or less!!] This may very well have happened before.

"Is there a mailing list from the karate club that would enable you to send an email to the other members reporting this affair and alerting the other members to the risks of being associated with the OM?"

Great idea to expose in addition to the other's already mentioned.

No reason to wait. Get exposing now.

Dear friends and families from JoeScum School of Karate,

It is with great hesitation that I write this letter to you all, but I felt you had a right to know the truth about Mr Scum, the owner of Karate Club so the same thing does not happen to your family.

Mr Scum is having an adulterous affair with my wife, Sally, of 15 years which is destroying our marriage and our children's family. The affair started last August and has led to our recent separation 1 week ago. My wife has moved out to pursue her affair. We have 3 wonderful sons who also play karate. They are heartbroken over the breakup of our family.

I am alerting you so that the same thing does not happen to your family. Mr Scum is no friend to families and every member should know this so they can protect themselves.

Please pray for my family and please pray that Mr Scum leaves us in peace and ends his affair with my wife.

Best regards,

Solring