So I demand tonight that she stops all contact with OM? This is day three of PLAN A for me.

It's not that I don't demand things. I do. In strong words. This is the first time I'm not demanding anything. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I know our marriage has been broken for a long time. There was no PLAN A last time. I just kept on reminding her of the affair and the damage she did. I wasn't there for her at all. Now I want to be.

I'm getting a little confused. I thought PLAN A was about satisfying your WS's EAs for a little while, and then telling them they need to leave if they don't stop all contact. Not demanding they leave before you could prove that you're being a good husband.

Her affairs started three years ago. That coincides with two different things in my life. One, I became addicted to pain killers because of a chronic pain issue. Two, I began to work, all the time, eighteen hour days (I'm a screenwriter in Hollywood and to succeed you just need to be really obsessive and work long hours).

Anyway, I stopped paying attention to my wife almost completely. We stopped having sex. She'd pepper me with questions like "Why don't you look at me anymore? Why don't you like to touch me?" She cried herself to sleep. She cried in the bathroom. She begged me to get off the pills. In MC, she said her ex came to her when she was the most vulnerable and knew which buttons to push. And that she didn't want to leave me, but it was like I wasn't in the marriage anymore.

So, for at least three years, I wasn't fulfilling almost any of her EAs. I'm not blaming myself for her affair, but I will blame myself if we get a divorce.

And it's for those reasons I'm still here. And because I love her.

So I demand tonight that she stops all contact with OM? This is day three of PLAN A for me.

Tell her this is IT, or she needs to make plans to move. But you also need to expose the affair and get some support from others.

I truly don't believe your wife will end her affair. She has been trained in your marriage to have affairs as a way of life and really has no reason to change.

Melody, I hear you. But I haven't been in PLAN A for months. I've totally neglected her. Granted, she's neglected me...and betrayed me.

Anyway, it turns out that all this happened last week. And, although she's been disappearing a lot, at least it wasn't to him. I think she's just dealing with a lost relationship within a relationship. How tragically....strange?

And when she was thinking of leaving the relationship, it was because of the relationship and not him (so much).

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

Weird question. What do I do next? The guy is out of the picture so an ultimatum seems silly although getting that no-contact letter is important...as I know it's not really over until she sends something as he can enter her life whenever he wants to and our marriage will never be truly safe until it comes from her...and I will explain this to her, although she'll probably say, "But I've already written him two and now he doesn't even want to talk to me...so what would that accomplish?"

and it seems like there's been a lot of time spent at our church and in the parking lot of our church.

She is religious and she feels like what she did is a sin against me and a sin against God (from her mom). And she can't believe she let it happen (or jumped into it) twice (from mom again).

As for transparency, she gave me all the pass codes to everything six months ago when I first found out...and I went insane with it. I checked everything all the time. I grilled her about every number that I didn't know. Every contact I didn't know. I went a little crazy I think. And it didn't make a damn difference, because after about two months, she just opened a new email account at work and contacted the guy again. Transparency only works if the person wants to be transparent.