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So my best friend is planning her wedding. It is no secret her fianc�e mom and dad who are divorced don't really get along. Her fianc�e sister aLao has issues with there dad. Well recently the father had the mother served with papers to take her to court to get her spousal support stopped. This made the sister very angry to where she wants nothing to do with the father. My friends fianc�e is upset because he just wants his family there for his wedding.
Unfortunately the sister has given an ultimadum that either the father doesn't come and she and her daughter(who is the flower girl) come or they don't come at all. My friend has already paid for the flower girls dress. How should I advise her? She was do upset last night and her fianc� is really stressed out. Anyone have some advice I can give them?

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This sort of thing doesn't really have a right answer.

If it was me, I would boot the dad out on his ear for being such a jerk, and keep the sister and flower girl.

Obviously the fiance feels differently. If it's that important to him that both his parents be there, which it seems to be, he should extend his regrets to his sister, making it clear that he understands why she is so upset, and he doesn't want her non-attendance to come between them.

More important than who actually goes to the wedding is that family ties are as intact as possible afterward.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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It is not the sister's place to make demands on someone else's wedding. I had that happen with one of H's family members for our wedding and it came down too...don't come if you are going to cause a scene. I can understand the sister's anger and loyalty to her mom but I think she is out of line.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I agree it is very selfish and inappropriate to be making such demands on her brother. Especially since the couple has already paid for the wedding. Meaning they have paid for them to be there. and that isn't including the money the my friend paid for her daughters flower girl dress.

I know there is drama between them but you would think they could put it aside for 1 day to support the couple on their big day.

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Fiance needs to tell his sister:
Quote
This wedding is not about Mom or Dad or You. Please consider the choice you are making to bring our parents' drama into MY WEDDING!


If you choose to not be there, I understand, but our relationship will NEVER be the same, because I only intend to get married once. You can set aside your rage about Dad like I must for the day. If you think you'd cause a scene, then I appreciate your grace in staying away and will accept that as the most loving gift you can offer for my day.

Personally I'd Plan B both of them in his place, writing a letter expressing his love, but that neither should show up to the wedding; his dad for what he's done to the family by taking another shot at his x wife and their mother - and his sister for the ultimatum.

Ask them BOTH to not come, until they set things right with each other and with the family - time is limited; the wedding will not be postponed and it will be a wonderful day that they can never make up to you if they don't resolve the situation.

That tells his dad that the petty money behavior is not acceptable, and tells his sister her using him to get at his dad is not acceptable.

Someone has to be the grownup.

Then cut off contact

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Originally Posted by Neak
If it was me, I would boot the dad out on his ear for being such a jerk.

Why the assumption that the dad is being a jerk because he wants to stop spousal support? There may be pretty good reasons why he wants to do so. Look at PSUBIKER's case, for example.

In any case, I agree with the "Plan B" idea.


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Tell her to elope. They can have a fabulous destination wedding for a fraction of the cost of a traditional wedding and avoid the inevitable family disputes.

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Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by Neak
If it was me, I would boot the dad out on his ear for being such a jerk.

Why the assumption that the dad is being a jerk because he wants to stop spousal support? There may be pretty good reasons why he wants to do so. Look at PSUBIKER's case, for example.

In any case, I agree with the "Plan B" idea.

Exactly MIM. Don't jump the gun on calling the guy a jerk for filing a reduction in spousal support. The fact that the daughter is upset smacks hard that the mother has done some alienation on her part against the father. There could be all sorts of legitimate reasons for a reduction in SS to the mother. Sorry, but the daughter is 100% dead wrong in causing trouble with her brother's wedding.

- mother could be cohabitating

- mother could have gotten a new job consumerate with her experience and education level earlier than when SS was supposed to run out. In many cases now SS is viewed by the courts as a "leg up" until you can gain education / experience to support yourself. It's not an entitlement or bonus. If mom got a new job with a lot better pay, and dad paid on time and in full up until that point, both parties did their part in securing their future.

- dad could have been laid off or had a reduction in salary. Times are very tough and the courts overall have been pretty sympathetic.


Me BH 35 WW 36
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D Day 1 7/28/08
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I know From what my friend told me the father retired a few months back. He has been working on his land which was ravaged by the 2008 nor cal fires. He didn't loose his house but he is clearing the land per fire regulations. Maybe that has something todo with it. I know what he did sucks but I don't know enough to judge him. Now the mother I know is taking her son on a cruise to Alaska just before the wedding. We were helping with planning in regards to the co-Ed bridal shower stuff and had to get it scheduled after he returned. If she can afford a cruise for 2 I don't think she is too bad off.

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Originally Posted by SIHW
I know From what my friend told me the father retired a few months back. He has been working on his land which was ravaged by the 2008 nor cal fires. He didn't loose his house but he is clearing the land per fire regulations. Maybe that has something todo with it. I know what he did sucks but I don't know enough to judge him. Now the mother I know is taking her son on a cruise to Alaska just before the wedding. We were helping with planning in regards to the co-Ed bridal shower stuff and had to get it scheduled after he returned. If she can afford a cruise for 2 I don't think she is too bad off.

Sounds like a pretty complex situation with the SS. Either way, I'm of the opinion the sister needs to swallow her tongue if her brother wants DAD to come to HIS wedding. It's not her wedding.


Me BH 35 WW 36
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I agree who should talk to the sister about the issue. My friend is so upset I am not sure she should even approach the subject with the sister because she might go off on her. Her frustration level is at an all time high.

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We'll I guess my last post doesn't matter as the sister directly messaged my friend on face book. I ended up writing a response for my friend as she didn't think she could be nice she did read over my shoulder as I wrote tho.....how did I do (names have been taken out and replaced):

You don't need to apologize to me. I am no stranger to not getting along with my own father. There are some days I truly cannot stand the man and wish I was adopted. Unfortunatly we are both too much alike and that clashes between us constantly.

But honestly if I can speak frankly I feel bad for Fiancee because it's like he is having to choose between his family members. Our wedding is not about the issues of the past. I wish for one day everyone could be there to support Fiancee. He really wants his family there. Even if people have to sit in different sections.

I understand where your coming from. I at times have almost thought I did not want my dad to come to the wedding. But they are my family without them I would not be here.

We will still be sending invitations out to all the family members who we had on the list. We very much want you guys to be there to share the day with us. The invitation extended to you guys will remain open should you change your mind. We really hope you will reconsider it would be so wonderful to see you guys again.




Last edited by SIHW; 02/19/10 12:32 AM.
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Ok as if things couldn't get any worse....now the mother isn't going to her own sons wedding because the sister won't be there with her..... I am seriously thinking of telling my friends to just elope. I mean why pay all that money if no one is coming to the wedding.

Did all the adults suddenly revert to being back in high school again....I have NEVER seen a family act like this. Even my ex H's mother and father who had a divorce 10x worse than these peoples manages to suck it up and go to our wedding. ????

My poor friend is on the verge of a nervous break down. The wedding has been all paid for and the stress it is putting on her fiance is so intense. WTF is wrong with these people?

Last edited by SIHW; 02/21/10 11:16 PM.
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**edit**

Last edited by Revera; 02/23/10 06:29 PM. Reason: TOS -call out post to moderator - removing mod's edit
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SIHW, I understand how hard it is to come to acceptance on this, but getting upset about this isn't helping anyone, including your friend. You can empathize and validate her without getting upset, too. These things happen. A wedding is about two folks celebrating their life together with their community as support. If the mom, sister, niece aren't there in person, only in spirit, it will still be a beautiful celebration. POJA reminds us that folks get to choose what they are willing to participate in. So your friend may be out some money, it's okay, it's not like it's their grocery money or something. Is there something fun you two can do to help refocus?


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I see your point but almost everyday last week (when all this was written mind you)I had my best friend in tears or upset at my house. A woman who is family to me. She is not upset about them not coming as much as the ultimatum they were giving her and her fianc� which was very unfair.

To make demands upon someone elses wedding in my book is wrong. To watch people I love suffer because of someone elses selfish and immoral actions upsets me greatly. To see the pain inflicted on both my friend and her fianc� by his own family no less is horrible. It make me wonder what is wrong with the people of this world sometimes.


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