So my H and I are doing pretty well recovering from his past affairs. He is working to make our life better and relatively open to hearing my concerns. He very much wants to put all in the past.

I do too, but have identified his pattern of finding 'enabling friends' as I call them. They're the friends who for example when he wants to quit smoking say "oh, come on one more won't hurt." In my mind they are not the type of people that promote healthy choices - not a good match for my H's past.

When he's stressed or traveling he surrounds himself, usually with a friend he feels very close to. From the outside I see these people as being not only unhealthy for him right now, but also people who would help my H justify a future affair. For example, one of his current enabling friends is the person that knew when my H was IN his affair - and told him "an affair is good for the marriage." (?)

As you can imagine, my H sees these friends as very good friends who 'really understand him.' When I explain my concerns he ALWAYS defends the friendship and sees me as nothing but needlessly controlling and jealous.

Please can someone give advice for how to best communicate my concern? Its important because I now feel this current friend is encouraging my H to spend more time away from home. My H feels I should be ok with this because he's a 'mutual' friend of us both. But in truth I couldn't feel worse about it.

His response to my 'light' mentions is that I have nothing to worry about since he's committed to our relationship (in regard to future affairs).

I know about the 'rule' of not spending time apart, please don't bring me back to that. I'm working on that the best I can (very complicated). This friend problem has been as close as next door in the past. This is what I need help with.

How can I communicate this in a way that might make sense to him?

I would explain to him that his friendship with this loser makes you very unhappy. Becuase of that, you would prefer he never speak to the loser again. Just the fact that he makes you unhappy is reason enough for your H to dump him.

If he won't dump him, that is a clear sign that your feelings don't matter to him and you have bigger problems than this loser friend.

"your friendship with him makes me unhappy." That will make perfect sense to him.

Rule of thumb when dealing with those who are dense by choice, and your husband certainly acts that way.

Keep it simple.

Mel gave you simple.

Do it that way.

Larry

DBC - Dense By Choice - you NAILED it! LOL.

Too bad they have to work together too. But yes, you are both right. Straight up and simple, and at least I can work to minimize the social part of their friendship. Keep it as much biz as possible.

Thanks guys.

Is there a section of the Love Busters reading I can direct him/us to so he sees that this is not just a "ME" issue - but that its common and many others opt to give up the bad seeds for their spouse? That seems to resonate with him.
Thanks!

Friends don't help friends destroy their lives and families.

It used to be that a "friend" would hand you the keys to your car even if you were falling-down drunk. Now, a Friend will take your keys away and call you a cab, even if that makes you mad.

Elvis and Michael Jackson were both surrounded by "friends" who would do anything they wanted. Both of them ended up dead far too soon, dead from the drugs their "friends" willingly gave them.

I think your husband is one of those who doesn't know the difference between a Friend and a sycophant (tell him to look it up if he doesn't know that word.)

He probably doesn't know the difference between Respect and sucking up, either.

He doesn't have friends. He has sycophants and suck-ups, and he's choosing them over people who really do care about him. But that's what addicts do. Very sad.

Hmmm...my WH now has a lot of friends like this; most all of them don't know me at all and are only giving advice from what WH has told them...mostly lies and exaggerations. The friends of his that know me don't believe the crap; except for one, and he works with him too.

My H has worked with this "friend" several times. Every time we would relocate and he was no longer working with him, we would become very close. Then he'd miss his old job; it was easy, and would return. Their desks were always right next to each other and the "friend" was always urging my H to cheat or to leave me. Whenever he worked there our marriage became stressed. If my H was ever upset with me, he'd confide in the "friend" and the "friend" would use my H upsetness (usually over something very small) and blow it into something huge.

Just from personal experience, I'd say to have your H find another job far away and be sure that you know all his friends and that they know you.

Well heck, I will give it a try.

See, it goes like this: "Few things in life really pi$$ me off and one of them is when my husband hangs around and takes advice from a loser. It makes me most unhappy.

"While watching a TV show the other day, I saw a great comedian put forth words of wisdom: He said, 'If your wife ain't happy, you ain't happy. And if she is unhappy long enough, you are gonna be unhappy with half your stuff.'"

Jeff Foxworthy knows a few things about being married.

L a r r y

You might be a rend neck if you love Jeff Foxworthy - just kidding!!!

I had one "bad friend" during my A. Oddly enough, when the fog completely went away, my friend backed way off too. I think I made her uncomfortable. I almost think that one of the signs of your WH's 100% change and commitment would be that these "friends" aren't as taken with him. I like ML's advice. Keep it simple and abundantly clear.

Marriage should ALWAYS trump friends - always.

Oh yes he is...

Sycophant = a self-seeking, servile flatterer; fawning parasite. (aka psycho fan!) And this 'friend' is just as addictive a person as my H.

And yes, this is what all addictive things are really aren't they? My H is a very addictive personality. What can be done? How does one un-addict themselves to any sycophants? Or is it just a matter of finding the 'good' things to be addicted to?