WH and I have been married 23 years and have 3 kids, ages 12, 10, & 7. I put him through grad school, entertained his colleagues, kept in touch with his family, and raised his kids - all while he worked 70+ hours a week.

I finally got a clue he was sneaking around in July 2008 when I read an "Is he being unfaithful?" article on a lark and was shocked to find my husband�s increasingly odd behavior fit nearly every point in the article. I checked the phone records and saw he was texting OW 20-30 times a day. He's a professor, she's a grad student in his lab, and the affair had been going on for over a year when I discovered it. I was shocked.

I told him to get rid of her. He told me he couldn�t, that she�d maxed out her lab rotations and had to stay with him a few more years until she graduated. I told him that was intolerable, that she had to go. She didn�t. He stopped texting and calling her from his cell phone, but of course, the affair continued. Lies, lies, and more lies.

I couldn�t handle it anymore. I reported it to the university because they have rules against these prof-student relationships. But guess what? The university decided to LOOK THE OTHER WAY and told him so! They wouldn�t even follow their own policy & procedures! And I ended up being the bad guy/crazy wife for reporting them!

He told me he was going to leave for embarrassing him (!), but he didn�t. He did start withholding affection, however, which had always been an important part of our relationship. Feb-Dec were horrible � I walked on eggshells the whole time. He continued to see her but also continued to try to hide it from me. Why bother, I wondered? I didn�t tell him I knew.

At Christmas time, it was like someone flipped a switch. I finally saw a glimpse of the man I married resurface - thoughtful, caring, funny, good with the kids. I thought it was finally over.

Turns out, OW was away for two weeks for the holidays. When she returned in early January, he told me he needed �a breather,� that he thought we should separate. WFT??? I don�t know what she said to him, but she�s got him jumping through hoops and looking like a fool. I talked him out of it, and during the course of the conversation, he FINALLY told me what he thought the real problem between us was: money (isn�t is always?)! I made an immediate change to the way we were handling things, and he seemed happy�for about 5 minutes. Things between us HAVE improved and I don�t feel like I�m walking on eggshells anymore, but he�s still withholding affection. He�ll hug and kiss the kids and the cat, but not me. I haven�t been kissed in almost a year.

Their relationship continues, albeit much more restrained. He thinks he�s being very clever about hiding it. I keep my mouth shut. Our kids know nothing of this discord between us, and I�d like to keep it that way. I see signs of the relationship abating. He�s wearing his wedding ring all the time now, and he�s starting to come home earlier than he used to. But I still see her dropping him off on the corner near our house every now and again, and when he works late (midnight) to prepare lectures, she�s frequently at his office with him. He gave me flowers for Valentine�s Day and then proceeded to work from 3-11 �at the office� with OW at his side (I drove by and saw her car there).

She�s supposed to finish her doctorate this May, but I get the impression he�s trying to keep her around for her post-doc, which will be another 2 years.

I want her gone. Yesterday. Last Year. A minute after I learned about them. He�s a completely different man when she�s not around, the carefree guy I fell in love with. I think we CAN mend our relationship, but she HAS to be gone. But my hands are tied since the university won�t even follow its own rules to keep them apart.

I�m SO tempted to hide and take a picture of her dropping him off and send it anonymously by email to everyone in their dept to embarrass the hell out of them. But that would also reflect badly on me and my kids and somehow, someway, he�d blame it on me.

So, what do I do?

How can I hasten this along? I realize she�s fulfilling some unmet emotional need, but he won�t tell me what it is so I can deal with it. Why is he stringing us both along? How much more patient am I supposed to be?

HOW CAN I GET RID OF HER?

Anyone have any ideas?

Expose, expose, expose.

1. Family
2. Children
3. The University (again)
4. Students, fellow professors
5. Friends


Think "nuclear bomb". It must be complete and total. Anything else and it's considerably less effective at killing As. And for heaven's sake, don't threaten or warn about it beforehand.

Who did you expose at the university?

Welcome to my world! Another academic involved with a doctoral candidate and a university environment that looks the other way!

All I can say is he can't have you both if you decide not to play....

As long as he knows you're waiting in the wings, he has nothing to lose.

uh huh!

In other words, you need to ask HIM to leave that job, and don't say he cannot; I know academic jobs are not ten-a-penny but your marriage won't survive their working together, as you have already shown.

If he will not leave (and she still does not), then you must either put up with having her in your marriage or go to Plan B.

Plan B involves your separation from your H, and complete non-contact with him, until the affair ends and he asks to reunite. You will need to see proof that the affair has ended - such as one of them having left the university.

Plan B needs planning; it is not something you can do from tomorrow. You need to make arrangements for him to see the children (what are their ages?) without ever seeing or speaking to you, and you need to have a secure source of income, such as a legal maintenance agreement. You need to have an intermediary who will pass urgent and important messages between you, but who knows not to enter into discussions or arguments.

What are you financial arrangements? DO you earn your own income? Do you think he would move out if asked, or do you have somewhere for you and the children to move to if he won't move? Who could you have as an intermediary?

WFW,

You should read the thread by LadyLongLegs.

You are allowing him to cake-eat and he will continue to do it as long as you allow it. Eventually, he will lose respect for you if you remain a doormat.

Have your read Surviving an Affair? Get it. Read it. Immediately.

The provost and the dept chair. They supposedly reassigned her to another advisor, but it was a token gesture.

There are others other there in my position? Wow! What a revelation! What have you done/are you doing to resolve issue?

Your best bet would be to take it to everyone at the University, the provost (again), the department chair (again), and then further up the chain until someone does something, the president, board of directors, etc. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. If that doesn't work, you can always tip off the school newspaper. Shame is a strong deterrent.

And you need to up the heat on OW as well. Contact her FAMILY. Let them know she is a homewrecker and a married man's ****-toy.

I would also tell your childern as well. They probably have some idea things are going on. By sweeping this under the rug and ignoring it, you are sending a very poor message about marriage and relationships to them, especially the 12-year-old. Do you want them fooling around on their future spouses, or just allowing their future spouses to run around on them because they think it is normal and acceptable?

Sorry you are here, Worse.

Many of us were in the same situation as you find yourself in. The most potent weapon you have against the affair is EXPOSURE. Affairs thrive on secrecy and when the affair is exposed the affairees are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others. Sometimes it will end the affair the day it is exposed, other times it hastens its death. But it is the powerful weapon against the affair.

Secondly, this has been going on so long now that your husband is cakeating. He has no motivation to give up his OW because he is getting his needs met in TWO PLACES. There have been no consequences so on and on it goes.

What Marriage Builders recommends for women is Plan A and Plan B. For women, Plan A is a short plan lasting 3-4 weeks where you show him your best side and express your willingness to meet his needs and build a happy marriage in the future if he ends his affair. Plan B is a dark-as-night separation where you end all contact with him. You are at that point right now.

Plan B is the best hope for the future of your marriage because it would remove you from the abuse. It also often has the side benefit of pulling the WS off the fence when the OW fails to meet his needs. Most affairs crumble quite quickly after Plan B because the WS quickly realizes the OP cannot meet of his needs. And when you go into plan B, the expectations of the OW go way up, which causes conflict in the affair.

You have been dealing with this for a long time, Worse, and this kind of torment tears people down mentally and physically. I would strongly consider going into Plan B sooner rather than later. I will post some must reads in the next post that might be helpful.

I believe LadyLonglegs is ending her marriage. The suggestions we are giving are for saving your marriage. But yes, most of us here are in marriages that suffered from affairs. And many are now in recovered marriages using these steps.

Just read ladylonglegs post and am still a little wobbly. I'm a writer and have been working from home for the last 10 years raising our kids, doing 95% of the parenting. I am not financially independent and would be in trouble without his check, which he knows.

OW and I did have a long talk last year. She's 29, claimed there was really nothing between them, and that she would never date someone who wasn't available. LIAR! This is the 2nd marriage she's run aground since she's been here. It's like a game to her, stringing these middle-age profs along. She supposedly broke it off with WH after she and I talked, but it wasn't long before they were back at it again.

I get the sense that she's using him to advance her career and that she really doesn't want him per se. She doesn't want any scandal attached to her name. Like WH, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Exposure would bring it all to light, of course, but it could also throw him out of work.

I'm working on getting my finances in order so I have the option of walking. He apparently needs that wake up call...

Exposure

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

How to Survive Infidelity

Worse, since you already have exposed him at work, maybe you could focus now on exposing to family and friends? A very effective exposure has been to facebook friends. I wonder how the OW's family and friends would feel if tey knew she was having an affair with a married man and wrecking your kids' family? How would your husbands family feel about that?

Worse, I would not move out if I were you. I would ask HIM to move out and continue to pay the bills. In your situation, I would expose the affair and then ask him to leave. [and then change the locks] He will still be legally obligated to pay all your bills. You might even get a legal separation that ensures he continues paying all your bills.

Then attach one to her name so she stays away from your WH.

LOL! Yes, sometimes the simplest solutions are best. I'll see what I can do --

Affair was exposed by someone ELSE at his work, he's mad as hell, blaming me, and told me he wouldn't be home tonight, that he'd make "other arrangement." Told kids daddy & I had a fight & said that he wouldn't be home, that we needed a "time out" from each other.

"What happened?" asked DD 10 year old

"Will he be back?" asked DS 7 year old

DD 12 year old chuckled & said, "Mommy laying down the law. Yeah!"

You're right - they REALLY do learn from our examples

You should tell your children the truth. That Daddy has a girlfriend and that you are hurting inside because married people aren't supposed to have other romantic partners. Tell them that you want Daddy to leave the OW alone and be only your husband again.

Tell them who the OW is, too, so they won't think she is a "friend" if they should ever meet up with her.

Do not bash your WH, but tell your children that Daddy is doing some wrong things and needs their prayers.