Ive been married for 11 years together with my wife for 19 yrs.12 months ago i found out she was having an online affair and because of the way I found out she has said that i invaded her privacy. So of course she has fought me on the remorse subject. I decided to stay with her and try to work this out and 12 months later we are talking divorce again because she has had a facebook profile for 6 months and this started out as a class reunion profile but than turned into a personal profile. I was okay with this until guys that know me have said that they have been talking to my wife on facebook. I feel like she shouldn't be talking to men online. Not after what happened 12 months ago. That affair also started as a social thing that escalated into an online affair. My wife said that i am controlling and thats why I dont want her to have this facebook profile. She will not let me see it nor will she make me a friend if I build a profile either. Am I wrong? Do married people have these kinds of accounts and they be private from their spouses on purpose. Am I really controlling?

First clue that she is up to something: she wants to hide it from you.

She won't be your friend if you get a profile? OH boy, is that telling!

She is turning everything back around to blame you. Don't fall for it. Many posters on here have had their lives ruined by Facebook connections.

I never access my facebook without my husband around and he is free to look over my shoulder and even submit comments to other people's posts. He doesn't want a facebook of his own so we share mine. AND my husband is my best friend so why wouldn't I friend him on Facebook? Does she have a clue as to how weird that sounds?

She said that she doesn't want me asking her why she has this friend and that friend. She said that if anyone crosses the line she will correct them and no longer be their friend. She said that it's ok to be social and theirs nothing wrong with talking to males or females.

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.

A few questions:
Do you have kids? How many and how old?

Have you installed a keylogger? What proof do you have?

What do you know about OM? Is he married?

Did you expose the first online A?

Yes I have 2 boys. 17 and 4. Yes, that's how I got into her email account during the first affair. She does everything from her cell phone now. we have separate cell phone accounts. The guys she talk to thru facebook are all single and they are guys who like night clubs.

If she has a Blackberry or an iPhone you can download flexispy which is like a keylogger for the phone. This will be important so that you can info on exactly what is going on and who she is talking to.

I am guessing you didn't expose the first time around. There are other posters here who also didn't expose for the first A since their WS agreed to end contact, only to have the WS have another A.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about exposure, which I would strongly encourage you to read. When Should an Affair be Exposed?

You will also want to read this: Carrot/Stick of Plan A

Most of those phone keyloggers you need access to the phone. She keeps her phone with her at all times. She sleeps with it near her.

My wife is loving. But she wants me to leave her alone about facebook,cell phone,emails. She said we could live happily ever after if I just leave that stuff alone. Because of all the arguing about this stuff we have our need moments. Not as often as I would like. a couple times a month. Right now 1. She would say -1. Pleasant and happy when we are not arguing which is most of the time.

Frankly, I think you're being SERIOUSLY "gaslighted" by your WW, and a lot more is going on than just calls and e-mails. She's basically making it look like her addiction to inappropriate contact is not her problem, but YOUR problem. That is not going to end very nicely if it continues!

Exactly. She says every person should be allowed some privacy even tho they a married.

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There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. She is entitled to privacy (like going to the bathroom), but not secrecy. What she is doing online is not private, it is secret. Secrecy has no place in a healthy M.

I had a hard time differentiating between privacy and secrecy.


Privacy means you have the door closed (to go to the bathroom or similar) but your spouse KNOWS what you are doing.

Secrecy means your spouse does not know what you are doing.
Secrecy has no place in a strong and healthy marriage.
Secrecy destroys a marriage.
A marriage is where two are joined to become one.
Sounds like your wife wants the benefits of being "one" but doesn't want to act like she's "one" with you.

Snoop all you can, keep your findings to yourself.
When you find proof of infidelity or unfaithfulness, you should expose. Come here and make sure you know what you're doing before you expose. There are right ways and reasons to expose, and wrong ways and reasons. Exposure is your absolutely number one most powerful tool if done properly.

Recent thread about exposure:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2324896#Post2324896

Some notes about exposure:
--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

For right now:
DROP all relationship talk!!!
You will not talk her into wanting to work on the marriage.
You cannot control her.
You cannot educate or persuade her with words.
Every time you open your mouth to talk about "us" or "the marriage" or "her FB friends" you drive her farther away.

Stop. It. Now.

Read about Plan A.
Figure out her top three ENs and do backflips to meet them.
Read about LBs and work like the dickens to get rid of ALL of yours.
Links in my sig to Plan A, ENs, and LBs. Read them all. Again

You have to woo her into the marriage.
It's not fair - she's acting poorly and you get to do the work. It sucks, we've almost all of us been there, that's just the way it is. But the Harley methods WORK if you follow them.

So:
No relationship talk!
Meet her ENs!
Avoid LBs!

Read up on exposure and snoop.

Meanwhile woo her back into the marriage.
Don't have any expectations - do this for YOU, so that YOU can hone your marriage skills. Don't do this for HER. Focus on YOU and how well you are working your Plan A.

Don't judge the success of your efforts by her reaction. If you're hitting the mark she may warm right up to you and ditch FB on her own. She may become hateful and snarkey (because she is having a tough time convincing herself what a bad guy you are and how she "deserves" these extra-marital friendships). Who cares? Forget about her and her reaction for now. Focus on yourself and how well you're working your plan.

This will take some weeks (Plan A). So settle in and make a habit of it.