Okay, my stomach hurts as I type this because it's so personal, but here goes. Just last night I found myself pretending to be the OW during SF....what is that all about? I mean...it's been years! And it definitely doesn't speak to intimacy. It's so degrading. I'm not good enough, so I have to pretend I'm someone else?

I'm so humiliated. Why did I do that to myself?

*I've done this off and on since 2003. That's a long time to mistreat myself...

I don't understand what you mean.
In what way where you pretending to be OW?

My stomach hurts for you too. You don't want to be that woman. When you say you are pretending...is this mentally going on in your head or is this something you are doing in your appearance or with H knowing this and act it out?

In my mind...I imagine that I am one of them and that is what he wants.

Awful, isn't it. I'm so humiliated and embarrassed to admit it.

Ugh...kinda wishing I hadn't admitted it now.

Yuck.

So he does not know your doing this.

Does this stimulate you during the act itself?

No he does not know, and...

Oh so gross..yes it does stimulate me.

What is wrong with me??

*head in hands*

No worries Anoited. I understand. That said, it is not a healthy mindset. It sounds like you still think OW was the special ingredient vs just being an available warm body or your H is still not fully engaged in R.

I'm in tears because I don't know that I've ever really admitted it to myself. I don't believe it is anything on my husband's part because he actively engages me in the relationship.

I guess I've never truly felt like I was enough.

We had a baby several months ago, and my body has not been in it's normal shape obviously. The first affair happened when I looked like this, so I guess it is a trigger of sorts.

You were always enough. H was a broken man. Do not see your worth in his brokeness. A BS's self esteem/confidence takes a brutal hit but there is NOTHING wrong with you. H was the one lacking. Given the recent birth of a baby and the trigger, it is understandable why you feel this way.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Hugs to you Anoited.

Why do you think that is?

Honestly, if these thoughts and your body's reaction to them bothers you..I think you might need to seek IC.

Probably so...I've been meaning to with FWS anyway and just haven't since things were going so "well."

This is true, and my head knows it. Apparently my heart is still on the fence.

I think it's akin to suddenly craving SF with a wayward after D-Day (the hysterical bonding). Seems illogical, but so common that it has a name, right? I think you're placing yourself in the role of OW to reestablish your territory ("OW...ME!And I'm the one who's here!")Does that make sense?

Anyway, I don't think you're weird in any way by mentally doing a little role playing during SF, IF (note the bold emphasis) IF it is helping you. But you sound like it's reached a point where it isn't helping you and it has become an unnecessary habit that is bothering you. If that is the case, practice telling yourself "I'm going to be ME this time" each time you engage in SF. Repeat throughout the act, if necessary.

If that still doesn't work for you, and you are uncomfortable with your feelings during SF, consider talking to an IC who can help you break the habit you've formed.
Don't think you're weird, though.

Annointed,

Don't go overboard and start to think there is something wrong with you. This is completely normal.

I know how you feel, I don't like to admit this either, but if will make you feel any better I will say it here.

It took me about 5 minutes of deep breaths and stuttering during which time she (my IC)was very patient for me to admit....

That I had had fantasies abt my WW and the OM. I immediately said, "I know, I am sick! Right?! I can't believe I even just said that?? Aweful, I must be deranged!"

She talked to me for about 10 minutes about how these fantasies were not only very normal, but very typical and that many people have them and it's good that I spoke up to her about it. Totally normal, and transitory. Mine vanished over a brief time and went back to disgust, then not caring anymore.

I know I felt much better after asking about it and finding I was not some freak...or worse.

Pat yourself on the back for having the guts to ask about it.

Totally normal.

SWW

Perfectly normal female expression. Probably most won't admit it - good for you. I went through the same thing and thought it was rather sick. But it is just like any other crazy fantasy - you wouldn't really want it to come true.

I think Pep has great ideas too - dressing up/role playing can be lots of fun.

Thanks so much everyone...it was so nice to know that I'm not crazy!! I've been shaken and in tears since posting and wasn't sure what I'd find when I came back. I appreciate your encouragement everyone!

Did I say Thank you??

I will work on my thoughts and try new things....I especially like the idea of claiming MY territory. Never thought about it that way!! I'm not so weird after all.

Believer, I appreciate you sharing that with me...you know, the truth does set us free. I've been fighting it for so long, but now that it has been brought to light it doesn't feel as heavy anymore.

Thanks so much for the light hearted response, Pepperband. I needed it!

Maritalbliss--Oh thanks so much for this perspective! And I appreciate the caring way you responded.