Granted, its only been just under 6 months since Dday, however I reeeeeeally wonder if trust will ever come back, fully, unconditionally, as before Dday?

I used to trust my FWW anywhere, doing anything, not so anymore. I wonder what it would take for her to cross that line again, as it seems to me once you cross it, 5 times in my case, its gotta be easy to do it again.

They say people that commit murder say the first one is the hardest, after that its a piece of cake.

I was talking to one of her close friends yesterday and we kinda were hitting on our sitch. She knows only bits and pieces of what happened in the past, but she says my wife loves me dearly, talks about me all the time when they are together....! All she wants is for me to love her and reeeeeeally wants me to trust her again.

I know my wife hates me not trusting her, and I of course want to trust her, I have to if our marriage is to continue. I just wonder even though I may trust her one day will it always be a tainted trust, or a trust with one eye open? Is that real trust?

Well, you shouldn't trust each other. Trusting too much is how affairs happen. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

Your marriage will be more secure if you don't trust, and you implement extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair. Extraordinary precautions will make you feel better about your marriage, not blind trust.

How do you expect to 'trust' her again when she continues to behaving in distrusting ways? Receiving text messages in Tagalog from a friend telling her that a guy wants her to call him?!?! No wonder you feel you can't trust her.... Sounds like she still has boundary issues and as long as she has boundeary issues, you will always be uneasy....

The simple answer is no. You will never trust your WW again. The blind, loving, foolish trust that your marriage vows give you is gone forever. You may get to the point that you will not question her every move after enough time passes and she shows by her actions and her self imposed precautions that she is worthy of even a small amount of your trust,

I would personally question the fact that someone who has again and again proven herself to be unworthy of your trust should make an issue of it. My DH has not one time in our nearly three years since D-day expected me to trust him. He knows that train has left the station.

God's Blessings,

Say

What is she doing to EARN your trust? She can alleviate your distrust immensely by implementing EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS. That means never have any opposite sex friendships, going out alone, etc. That means giving you complete access to her phone and computer with passwords, etc.

That is how you can trust her more. if she resists doing those things, you should TRUST HER LESS, because that will be a red flag that she has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Do you have a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone? If I were in your shoes, I would watch her like a HAWK. I smell a rat with your wife.

'ML', I have been reading and learning on here about not trusting unconditionally, as it leads to where I am today...but I am a trusting person, it's hard to break that habit, even though I've been burned by being like that.

'MS', I hear you. In fact the person I was talking to yesterday was the lady who texted my FWW. She said its not what I was thinking at all, as the guy also said to have, 'so and so' call as him as well. She said she does text my wife fully in Tagalog, (I must have missed those as I don't ck every single text of hers), but she knows my wife and knows she would never do anything like that. She did not know my wife back when the A's happened. She said my wife is trying hard to earn my trust back and she hopes she can earn it back one day.

Again, we didn't get into the A's, we kind of jabbed around the edges, however I got the feeling she knew some of the details. I didn't want to open up that can of worms, at that time. I wanted to tell her its difficult to trust someone when they had 5 affairs. She didn't understand my reaction to her original text. That's why I don't know how much of the past she actually knows, (obviously only what my wife has chosen told her).

1. flexispy on the phone

2. GPS on her car

3. voice activated recorder in her car

4. a Private Investigator

That might make you feel more trust for her as long as you can independently verify her trustworthy behavior.

Well, like my minister told me when I told him I was in the habit of skipping church: "no time like the present to break bad habits!"

'ML', she never gets on the computer, that is not a worry...its not because of any reason other than she has never gotten on the computer.

I do have access to her phone and other things. She knows she will never go out clubbing with her g/f's again, unless I am there. The opposite sex friendship is something that is a concern for me. She has always been buddy buddy with guys, mostly filipino guys, but other guys as well. She knows my feelings on this and I've asked her to realize she can't do that any longer. Thats what happened about the text. In the past I would not have thought much of it all...now its a huge problem.

'SNM', sadly that is what I was thinking...it will never be the same trust. I think the innocence of a trusting marriage is gone. Maybe its not the smartest thing to do, fully trusting, but people who use their heart a lot are like that, (me). I know I have boundary issues.

Thank you Mel. As usual, you took the words out of my mouth.

Check your shoe. I'm missing my gum.

Yep, that is just an invitation to an affair. I would ask her to stop it. That is how affairs start and it should make you very uneasy. Just tell her how it makes you feel and ask her to stop it.

Did you see the snooping suggestions I laid out? I would add BLOOD HOUND to that list.

Why would you trust a human?

I only trust one human, and I only trust her not to DELIBERATELY hurt me. I only trust her because I have 33yrs of consistent data saying I can trust her that far, and she gave birth to me.

His momma.

Codtej, you will never be able to return to the level of trust you had for your W, and you must see that that is ok, as well as helping your W see that that is ok.

I blindly trusted my DH for 23 years through a long distance relationship, many nights apart because of our jobs, and occasional travel. He destroyed that by having one A.

Now when I work nightshift, I wonder what he's doing. When he's at work, I wonder who he's talking to. When he works late, I wonder if he is really working late, because I know that is when he saw her during the A. And this is after he has spent the last 15 months doing everything he can to recover our M, including implementing EPs. I will say that this isn't a constant obsession by me. I don't spend every hour of every day worrying about this. But it does indicate that things have changed and blind trust is gone.

Your W needs to accept that she can't be who she was before. She needs to change the way she relates to people, especially other men. She can't be buddy-buddy with them for your sake. I am sure that this is something she would be willing to do if she fully understood the long term ramifications of her actions.

codjec, another way to put it is like this: it is not a lack of TRUST that is the problem, but a lack of BOUNDARIES. Trusting too much is what leads to affairs.

'ML', yes I did see what you suggested and I will ck into all of them, thanks.

It's seems maybe a bit unnatural for me to not fully trust my wife. I guess thats why I am so messed up and have boundary issues, but something inside of me says I was right to trust her fully and it was her that did wrong, not me by trusting her.

I guess that doesn't make sense to you guys. I am learning that trusting someone fully can come back to bite you however. Will I learn?

I feel like what you said....yes I do.

Look at it like this: yes, you were right to trust her - in a perfect world. Sadly, we're aren't in a perfect world. I think it is somewhat self-preservation that teaches us to trust: we are taught to trust our parents to take care of us (doesn't always happen) we are taught to accept our teacher's teachings (and some of them shouldn't be in the teaching business at all!) we are taught to trust our clergy, etc. NONE of them should be trusted. Or it should be a matter of 'trust, but verify'. We see over and over that these people are human. But we still feel the need to trust the people in our lives.

So yes, it certainly seems unnatural to not trust your WW. But once you embrace the concept that 'trust, but verify' should apply to anyone in your life, it becomes natural to understand. I think it should apply most strongly to the person who is in the best position to harm you. And that is your spouse.

No, you were wrong to trust her fully. That gave her the ability to cheat, codtej. Do you see that now? She was wrong to cheat, you were wrong to blindly trust. You did not CAUSE her to cheat, but you gave her the rope to hang herself. We are saying you need to stop doing that.


And I understand that not trusting does not feel natural for you, but that is the way with most bad habits. No time like the present to break bad habits!