And other than curbing...stopping the LB's altogether, how are you fulfilling her EN's?

Why would she WANT to come back?
What would she come back to?

And do not mistake ANY EN fulfillment as her TOP EN fulfillment. Meaning, just because it is important to you doesn't mean it is important to her...

My FWH used to say to me, "I work hard, bring home a paycheck, don't beat you, what more do you want..." Really?

As an example of how far we've come, I'm coming down with a cold, so last night after coming home from the girl scout meeting he had a bath waiting for me...

It appears that her biggest EN is RC. I meet this one as much as I can. I did not meet it adequately in the past (prior to 21 months ago). She says she's uncomfortable being around me, so she does not enjoy doing things with me. She did tell me last week to not get discouraged by her turning me down when I ask her to do things. She may eventually say, "Yes".

I do not know for sure that this is her top EN. A year ago I asked her if she would fill out the EN survey. She said, "Yes". I printed it out, gave it to her and it sat on her dresser until she moved two weeks ago.

She just totally dismissed the idea of talking to the MB coaches...and quite emphatically. As in "no way, no how". She says you have to read body language. Her sister has convinced her that the MB concepts are "hocus-pocus". That we need to talk to each other more than rebuilding anything. That only a local marriage counselor will work

I'm frustrated.

OMW just told me OM has decided to separate, possibly divorce, and go live "by himself" at his ranch. During their conversation, OM alluded to a 3rd affair in the past to which he thought OMW knew about.

I told OMW that she ought to check out MB.

WW all but asked me to go into Plan B. "Do not call me or text me while at work." "I moved out two weeks ago and I've seen you every day. I moved out to get away from you. I need space and time away from you."

gnirlos, I would strongly suggest you send her a short Plan B letter, change the locks and go into Plan B. Now is the best time to do this because the novelty will begin to wear off. Now the OMW knows about the affair so she will be pressuring her H from her end.

"Space".

I hate hearing that.

All it means is "space away from you so you won't interfere with my affair anymore."

I agree with ML. Send her a Plan B letter and go into Plan B. She thinks it's great to have you as a backup...you have to REMOVE that option from her mind.

Betrayed Spouse fog.

1. No plan.
2. If a plan, can't stick to it.
3. Gets good advice; ignores it.
4. Confused, long diatribes about feelings.
5. Wanting a reset button to push.
6. In a hurry.
7. Too quick to forgive.
8. Hasn't memorized all the stuff Harley has posted.
9. Hasn't read SAA.
10. Expects miracles.
11. Goes from one pillar to another post.

If several of the above rings a bell, you are in BS fog. Maybe others here can post indicators.

I feel for you man, been there done that. Once I started reading and listening and planning, it worked. In spite of you not following their advice, these people understand and continue to try to help you.

When are you gong to try to help yourself?

Larry

ooh, I love this list! The only thing I would expand on would be #4. They allow their FEELINGS to drive their plan, which leads to mass confusion. The ones that can't put aside their feelings can't follow a plan and don't make it.

[tj]
Congratulations on your recovery anniversary, ML!

[/tj]

Whatever happened to - I think - Ark's post on just found out that was so good a prepping new BS to what was going on and how to manage themselves?

It was good for me at the time.

I see new BS come on SAA and go all over the map. I probably would have too were it not for Ark's diatribe.

Larry

1. Nuclear exposure will occur today. Have drafted letters (with help to those of you in this thread) and harvested email addresses. I am still harvesting FB friends.

2. House locks being changed this afternoon.

3. OMW told her two DDs. OMW is in the process of moving all of OM's stuff out of her house. OMW told OM that she knows about the affair. His response, "Well, that makes it easier." OM is out of state today.

3. Drafting Plan B Letter Mark II. I understand this one must (AND WILL) be shorter. Do I reference the original attempt at Plan B at all?

1. Good for you!

2. Also good for you! Most BSs do not have the courage to do this so quickly.

4. No, that'll probably just make him think you're going to fail at this Plan B as I presume you did at the last one. Don't reference it.

Plan B Letter Mark II:

-----

Dear WW,

I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. The sixteen years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that my selfish attitude drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain that your relationship with OM has caused has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other until you are no longer involved with OM. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency regading our children, or any necessary financial matters, please contact MY BFF, and he will contact me. His phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx and his email is xxxxxxxx@xxxx.com. He has a limited text message limit, so please do not send him text messages. Once you have ended your relationship with OM completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. You are my best friend and I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,
BS

Good job!! I was starting to give up hope, and you rose to the challenge. Wonderful letter! I would change this sentence slightly:

Once you have ended your relationship affair with OM completely and are ready to commit to our marriage, contact me and we can discuss potential reconciliaton.

Additionally, all mentions of "relationship" should be changed to AFFAIR. A copy of the letter should be sent to the OM with this note:

pg 81, Surviving an Affair
I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.

Additionally, the typical WS will try every ploy in the book to test your Plan and will call, text, barge in the house, email, etc. So be sure and have a plan to prevent this. Tell your kids about your no contact and tell them not to hand you the phone or let her in the house.

When that doesn�t work, she will bully your IM about how your marriage can�t be saved if you won�t talk to her. When that happens, IT IS REAL IMPORTANT YOU DO NOT ALLOW HER TO CONTACT YOU UNTIL YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO US HERE. Let US be the screener. Please also refer your IM to this thread:
Intermediary Training School

The locksmith just left. House locks are changed.

I already sent the Training School link to my IM.

Changes made to the Letter. Thanks, ML.

Now waiting until she brings DD14 back home to give it to her.

I've harvested all of OM's friends from FB and created my own account. Question: Is there a limit to the number of friend requests I can send? How do I actually send the email text in the friend request? (Did I miss a FB101 thread somewhere?)

gnirlos, the trick will be to hand it to her and avoid all discussion. Just say something like, "please read this tonight when you are alone." You don't want to get into a discussion about the letter. That should be the last thing she hears from you.


Don't request them to be friends. Go to their fb page and right under their pic is a link that says "send Joe a message." Click on it and send the message. Then move onto the next friend.

p.s be sure and include your name and phone # and email address for any followup. [also say your wifes name] While you will get the typical "this is private business" blah, blah, blah, you will be surprised at the support and INTEL you get. We have had members who uncovered OTHER AFFAIRS this way.

Yeehaw! Way to go, gnirlos!

You learn quickly. You are quickly becoming the model for BHs here.