Hello...
While I have never posted before I have been around the boards/site for the last year or so (which began at the advice from my marriage counselor). I've always hoped I could work out issues in my relationship without public advice..until now.
I'll try and stick to the basics as to keep this as short as possible. Let me know if I've lost anyone. Where do I even begin?
Well, for starters I am not married (hope that offends no one), however, Chris (using a disguised names here) and I have lived and shared our lives together for 8+ years We own a home, raise my young daughter and live for the most part very much the same as a married couple would. When our relationship began, as most do, things were perfect..but for the last 3 years things have gone down hill quite considerably. We have tried counseling, all the books, all the advice here etc.. Somehow we manage to come right back to this dark place.
I can only speak for myself and how I feel about things. I believe we do truly love each other. When things are good, they are great. I say that b/c I do not want to take that away from him/us. What I've struggled with most is trust and communication. A few years back I suspected strange things/happenings in our relationship that I originally wrote off as nothing more than my gut being wrong. As time went on more and more little untruths were revealed to me as I found out things...these were silly things, things there was no need not to be honest about. Chris denied anything and everything. Then one day I called his cell phone but was unable to reach him for a few hours, which was not usual. Finally my phone rang..it was him. Yet it was the classic "butt call". His phone dialed the last incoming call accidently while in his pocket. He had no idea I was there listening as he sat in the car with a woman, giggling, laughing and obviously having a great time to the loud music that was playing. I was told he was at his mothers at the time. When confronted I was told it was the car dealer taking him for a spin in a new potential car. Something in my gut knew something was NOT right. This along with other little untruths really had me stressed. He denied, denied, denied. Eventually we went to counselor #1. He claimed she was ganging up on him and so that was that. Then a year later came counselor #2. While the counselor agreed things were shady with him he could not get Chris to communicate enough of his feelings to really determine the issues. Eventually the counselor asked Chris if he thought I was being to controlling. Chris hesitated and finally uttered "yes!"..only later to tell me he was coached into saying that. That hurt because I had never felt controlling. Counselor #2 gone. Since then it's been tougher and tougher. Last month I came across an email of his from AshleyMadison.com. This was purely innocent (coming across this info). At that point I was way to upset after looking into the site. To my surprise and for those of you that dont know about this place their motto is "life is short, have an affair". I was able to get his login name/password reset (I know, wrong..but I had to know since he refused to tell me anything or be honest) and when I found out he actually had an account there, well then there was no more denying. The truth came out about many things. There was never an addmittance of cheating in any instance, although the woman in the car was an ex he ran into. He apologized and I accepted his apology. That being said several weeks have gone by and I still feel something is wrong. I dont feel things are getting better. Were past that Ashley Madison thing but now I feel suspect of everything. I try so hard not to but just feel something is very wrong. I have always been faithful and honest with him and this all just felt like a kick in the gut!
Yes, I have tried to epress my feelings to him. We don't talk by his own need not to. It's not allowed..and anytime I do try he loses it. I cannot communicate with him. Everything that has happened in this relationship has been by his own choice. He makes the decisions. Only his needs seem important. I feel like I'm sinking lower and lower everyday with these feelings and do not know what to do at this point. Things are so tense and I'm trying to hold myself together. The control he has over everything makes me feel very unappreciated, unwanted and unworthy. He controls the bank accounts, the bills, the money, the decisions..everything. He seems to have lost any ability to communicate his feelings. I'm scared to death of losing him but know we cannot go on like this..miserable everyday. I feel no purpose and know he will never go to counseling again. I wanted to marry this man but that was never even an option for him and he refused to say why, although he was married before...not that marriage is even a priority at this point. Fixing things is. So what do I do if I cant work things out? If I cannot discuss things with him or so much as hold a conversation how do I begin to fix a thing?
I apologize for the long post. My head is spinning with things in my heart and things I'd like to say. There is simply too much. Any advice or direction would be so greatly appreciated. My saddness at the moment is so overwhelming and really..I'm lost.
