first I am a widow raising a 5 year old had to adopted my grand daughter..
Have boy friend of 10 years my grand daughter loves him he has been in her life since day one.
we had a lot of trouble with my daughter on drugs.. He moved out last Feb 2009. The same night he moved out there was a lady at his apartment a lady that worked where he worked.
he tried to say it was nothing he just needed someone to talk to.. Come to find out they got involved ( sex) he said that didn't happen till he left here... I felt like I had been shot when I found out.. well after 3 months he came back has been here since May 2009... And let his lease go on his apartment and will be moving the rest of his things in here this Sat..
I told him if he still wanted contact with this lady that I wanted him to leave here.. because I had found out he had emailed her.. He changed jobs so he doesn't work where she does any more. He says he loves me we really don't have sex he has a problem in that since his heart attack.. The doctor says it happens.. But I don't get it he says he loves us here has let his apartment go... But I know he still emails her .. Might just be jokes that are sent to him that he send on to her I don't know.. they both work for the Gov and can email from work I have no idea if that is going on
guess what I am asking here if he is moving back here and I have told him NO contact withthis lady..
Why would he do that...
and tell ne he wants me to trust him he brakes his neck to try and not upset me... it seems to bother him if he even thinks I am upset... if he is running 5 min late from work he calls me says he doesn't want me to think anything is going on... He emails me from work every day so I can see he is there and he calls me every day on his lunch... So if he does all of this why does he still email her??? they could be talking on the cell to I don't know... But do know he is here all the time... I am confused
What do you think or feel about this???

What do I think or feel about this???

First,, I wonder why he's still a boyfriend after 10 yrs? No plans to marry one another? Why??

You know Dr Harley's opinion on Living Together Before Marriage .

Not married and he moves out to be with OW,,,,and now wants to move back? While he's continuing contact with the OW??

I'd RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

We are not married because I am a widow and If I was to get married I would lose all that I get ... like ss my husbands retirement health insurance... and so on .. I own my own home..
And I am raising a 5 year old that I have to protect..I can not afford to give all that up... I will never marry ... That has not been an issue with us...
I am 54 my boyfriend is 50.... I was married for almost 30 years... And my husband was the only person I have ever been with till my boyfriend ...
He wants me to trust him but how can I knowing he has emailed her since being back here... he has been back here 9 months this month...
Says he loves me...
But I do know sex was an issue with him and this lady being he has a problem he might have been able to get it on hit and miss but wasn't a 100% percent thing...
Now I do wonder is that why he came back knowing I don't question him on this I understand the problem... Have even listened to the doctor talk to him about it...
He tries hard to keep me happy in every way out then being intament with me... He doesn't even try and that bothers me a great deal... I have even wondered if he has told her he wouldn't... He give me a kiss good night a kiss when he comes in from work and a kiss when he leaves for work that is about it...I miss being close a great deal but don't know what to do about it... But the fact remains he still emails her even if it is just jokes he is keeping contact with her they could be emailing form work I have no idea or talking on his cell .
Know when he is here he isn't talking to her at all other then the email... And he is always here ... He changed jobs he says to make me feel better... What I am asking is for some advice on why would he do all this and still keep contact with her at all... And risk me finding out and asking him to leave because like I said I told him if you want contact I want you to leave here...
A part of it could be he loves my grand daughter she looks at him as daddy and I am sure that played a role on him coming back here to... She had a very bad time when he moved out... He is moving all back here in the morning I am just hoping this is the right thing to do...
Has anyone here went back together and your husband or wife kept some kind of contact with the OP ????????????

He's with you and in contact with her because he wants everything both worlds offer him.

Plenty of people on here have dealt with their WS trying to 'cake-eat' - keeping the lover and the spouse both in the picture. It doesn't work, unless you agree to that. It sounds like you don't. So why not just tell him that a condition of living with you is that he is to send her a no-contact (NC) letter that you read, approve, and physically mail for him?

So has your boyfriend lived with you for the past 10 years? Why doesn't he have his own home? Has he ever been married before?

Yes he was married... Twice... first to a German lady that didn't like it here and went back to Germany... Then his second wife got involved with some guy while he was in Korea for a year... He is retired Army...
He did own a home at that time when I met him he had an apartment... And yes we have lived together for a little over 10 years now..
After we met I worked with him for 5 years with our job
traveled did some gov work... Then we had to quit being I had to take my grand daughter he got a job here another gov job that is where he met this lady..
We were having a lot of trouble with my daughter at the time.
I found out he had been talking to this lady about a year at work before he moved out...
And after he moved out he would come to my house 2 to 3 times a week to see us and my grand daughter and he would have us come to his place..once or twice a week..
I don't know how this lady works what days or shift she is a nurse..
I did a check on her there isn't much I don't know about her...
I found out by talking to him on a web site him thinking I was someone else.
that he never expected it to go where it did with her it happened after he left here And he said to me as someone else that it was a short fling at best..
that she came to his place 2 to 3 times a week would sometimes spent sat with him... And on Wed... Had to be in the evening because he was here most sat... After he moved back here he changed jobs he got another gov job about 2 months after moving back he hasn't worked where she works for about 6 months now... I know he seen her once after moving back here but I don't think so since that once... I had him tailed... He was at her sisters for 1 hour 15 min... He said he has promised her niece he would go to her birthday party... But he didn't tell me about it I let him know the next day and how I knew... All hell broke loss here that is when I told him if it happened again he was out of here for good... And then there would be no more contact with me or my grand daughter..
I am almost sure he hasn't seen her since...
I don't know when he could I can account for his time...
He does help pay the bills here .. wanted you to know that he isn't living off of me for free...
yes it saves him money being my home is paid for but he isn't that way he is free with his money with me even thought I don't need it... But with him helping it allows me to save more money... So he is not free loading here
he will even get upset if I won't take money from him if I feel he has paid enough for the month...

I would do that in a heart beat if he would
but can tell you right now he wouldn't
He has this military thing going on he doesn't like being bossed around.
He is an retired officer..
so how do I deal with that???

Then he needs to get out. You own your life, not him. YOU get to dictate this one.

sunshine, you are old and wise enough to know a bad deal when you see it. Dump this guy and move on. Raise your standards in the future and you are likely to fare better.

Like my momma always told me, "don't put out for free." When you put out for free, you reduce your worth accordingly. You can do much better than this.

"He has this military thing going on he doesn't like being bossed around."

You let him know YOU have this "decent,respectable woman-thing going on" and you don't like being disrespected and used.

Really sunshine, you don't HAVE to "boss him around".
Don't DEMAND what he HAS to do to return.
You let him know what YOU NEED, what YOU REQUIRE to feel safe with him.

And if he's not willing to make you feel safe with him,,that should give you an answer.

Sunshine,

Just a thought. You are not married, so really you don't have an call on his time and he does not on yours.

However, I would like you to reflect on the question that Dear Abby once asked and has been repeated many times.

Would you be better off with him or without him?

You need to make that assessment. Neither of you need the other. You will NOT be getting married and I understand your reasoning.

So the real question reduces to the one you just said. I am sure the drama with your daughter was hard on him as he is NOT that woman's father. He had to sit and listen to the goings on and be able to do NOTHING. Most men and surely military men NEED to FIX THE PROBLEM. He could not and I am sure that put a lot of pressure on your relationship. You have stated that this is no longer the case, hence he has come back, but he does have a "female" friend. I have no idea what the depth of that relationship was. But YOU have to decide about what you can live with.

Maybe I am being naive, but I don't see any bad guys in this. I just see some hard things that drove you apart and now he wants to be back together but you are not certain. Fair enough. You make the decision about what you can live with. If you canont live with the snooping, then either back off and quit that or leave the relationship.

Just thoughts I hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your advice...
I do understand what you are saying here
And I have given that a lot of thought here in the past 2 months
I have made a list and the list of the good is longer then the bad...
He is so good with my grand daughter..
He does try to keep me happy that is why I don't get the contact how ever little it may be
I know he is not seeing her I am sure of that...
Even the 3 months that he was not here not living here
I could count on him to be here at any time if I needed him without ever complaining
And I do tell myself being he is trying so hard that I need to give this some time and see where it goes...
I think I owe myself and my grand daughter that..
He says he feels this is a commited relationship he told me that after moving back here and I feel the same even though we are not married... It is just if there is contact with the OW still how can this work out ... in the end game... if he is still emotionally tied to her... And I want a good relationship .. I have been working hard to try and get this relationship back to where it should be... I walk up to him all the time give him a hug .. Tell him I love him every day..
we joke we laugh... we hardly ever fight...And most of the time all seems good...like today he went to the store came back with a lemon thing I like.. He said I seen that thought of you and got it... He does stuff like that...
I guess it is a trust thing hoping it is not all smoke and mirrors .. Thank you again for your thoughts