Can anyone tell me if the phone couseling with Steve Harley is only for repairing a marriage? Would it be helpful to a BS trying to make some decisions?

Thanks in advance.

AMG,

I don't think the Harley's are going to support divorce except for serious continued abuse. I could be wrong about that, but considering the track record of the MB program and the way so many marriages have been brought back from the brink of divorce, I doubt much that they are going to counsel in that direction.

What the Harley's are so good at is convincing both spouses to meet the needs of the other and examining their own actions to deal with love busters. It is when we start to do these things for each other that we start to begin to be attracted to each other again and once we start to make progress we feel like doing even more and this starts to feed on itself until we find ourselves in love with our spouse and them in love with us.

When you were here before did you ever get to that place where you were meeting each other's ENs and both hopelessly in love with each other? Did you learn to spend enough time together actually meeting each other's needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment?

Resentment, even a tiny bit of it, can stand in the way of real intimacy and when that happens it is like a wall between you. Each day without real intimacy places another brick into the wall which gets so big it seems impossible to get past.

So now you find your H having another EA and wondering if you should just stop dealing with it. But I have to ask you because you are the one here and not him, what have you done to keep him in love with you? Do you meet his intimate emotional needs. Do you spend 15 hours per week together meeting the intimate ENs? Have you realized that a DJ that is not expressed can damage the relationship just as much as the AO that has been expressed?

I guess the bottom line is this, what are you willing to invest in order to get a MB marriage? I'm not talking about money here but time, honesty, protection and care...

Mark

Thanks for the response. We improved some things--many things even--over time. My H really held things together while I was "checked out" for quite some time after the last EA. It amazed me at times that he stayed. He is not very big on 'organized' relationship maintenance and feels sometimes says 'it shouldn't be that hard' and wonders if it's that hard for others. I'm more open to organized marriage maintenance, analysis, checkups but don't know the answer to the question as to whether or not it "should be that hard".

His need not met from me is SF and praise, showing attraction. My need not met by him is affection. We know this about each other. But I also think he has issues with himself outside of our marriage (though maybe negatively affected by our marriage) that he has to take care of himself. I can't be held responsible for this poor decisions, lack of self esteem (that only shows itself through the EAs) any longer.

I am seeing a counselor and have recently had some huge awakenings about myself (before latest D day) by reading a book called "Dance of Intimacy" and also now reading "You are the One You've Been Waiting For". I guess this was good timing b/c it has helped me handle latest D day much better.

I feel like we're both at a monumental point to fix things in ourselves that contribute negatively to the marriage. I'm further along in this than he is. He's mainly just depressed and distant and doesn't seem in a frame of mind to make decisions though that's improving. I asked him not to come home after latest D day 1.5 weeks ago but we have talked and met.

I don't know any more what I'm willing to invest. I guess that's what I need help figuring out. I know it will take time and am trying to be patient with myself and him.

Thanks again

1. Honestly not right now. I'm so freaked out trying to decide whether working on this marriage is the right thing to do, or leaving it. Maybe that's not the purpose of this site so that's kind of why I'm asking if the Harley phone sessions help with this.

2. Yes. Have and need to do more.

3.Yes I wish I could feel that was the case.

Thanks