I had a PA and an EA one year ago--both lasted about 2 months with the PA being a one-time thing. I did it mainly to hurt my husband for past treatment (21 yr M/5 yr dating. I didn't know at the time (because I hadn't read anything) that I needed to confront the OM with my H. I just sent emails and/or phone calls ending both A. I then deleted the email account but my husband wasn't with me when I did it--I didn't know he needed to be. I didn't realize that he needed to be a part of it. He tried to get me to call the OM (that I had the PA with) again after I'd broken it off to confront him with my H on the other line. I couldn't bring myself to do it. He said that I was still responsible to fix this confrontation issue even though he didn't know how I would do it. A few months later I once again sent NC letters/emails which he was involved in. I never received any return emails or letters from the OM. My H needs to know that the OM is out of the picture--I haven't had contact with the OM since I broke it off. There are computer and phone records to prove it. My H also thinks that I need to contact the OMW to let her know what happened. I am not the first person he has had an A with. However, I am a little afraid of retaliation from her because I was told that she has been in and out of a mental hospital. If she shows up on my doorstep I deserve what she does. My kids do not.

MC & IC are out of the question. I was told to not even bring up the word.
What can I do? Does anyone have any suggestions? I have told my H everything that I can remember about everything. The problem is that my memory is very bad--turns out I hit perimenopause right before all this started and my brain is misfiring and I can't remember a lot of details.

To make a long story short, I just need some steps to take to #1--somehow fix the confrontation issue, #2--prove to my husband that I am standing with him, #3--rebuild trust. Help please!

Welcome to MB. If anything can fix your M after adultery this is it. Read all of the information, order the books and follow the advice you are given here.

The short answer to what you can do...anything that your husband asks for as long as he asks. You have already betrayed him in the worst possible way and you are blessed to still be his wife. If he asks something tell him. If you honestly cannot remember which I have to tell you most WS(wayward spouse) claim not to remember, then offer to take a lie detector test or be hypnotized.
And you definately need to tell the OM(other man) wife and you need to apologize to her.

Weekends are a little slow around here but there will be others along soon to give you their advice. You will learn much here if you can take it. Expect to be grilled. We have heard every excuse that a wayward spouse has to offer.

God's Blessings,

Say

S&D,

Welcome to Marriage Builders...

Be sure you have read the Basic Concepts and I would suggest that you read the Q&A columns that relate to infidelity.

What I'm afraid you are going to find is that not a lot of people around here are going to accept much of what you say at face value. Around here we've pretty much seen it all and most of it a bunch of times.

You say you had the affair to hurt him for past treatment. This one I will challenge. That was probably the reason you gave yourself was that by having an affair you were evening the score but that was really only an attempt to justify what you were doing at the time.

As way of explanation as to why I say that, let me give you this. If your intent was to harm your husband in an effort to get even with him, you could have done so in a lot of different ways, most of them a lot less invasive to yourself than having an affair. The OM whose wife you say is mentally unstable and you would fear retribution from should prevent anyone from doing anything to anger such a person. So you weren't afraid of her when you slept with her husband, but now you are?

You say that you had the affair because of past treatment, but you don't say what that treatment was. I can assure you that NOTHING he ever did justifies the hurt that being cheated on causes a person. Some have likened it to the death of a child or to being raped. Some of those who have drawn these analogies BTW have experienced both, so it isn't a case of a man claiming he knows what it feels like to be raped. I was never raped, but I can tell you that finding out that my wife was having an affair was the most painful experience of my life. It was certainly more painful than the deaths of my parents.

You see, if a marriage is beyond repair, you can always decide to end it. If it is not so worthless that it requires dismantling, then you can fix it. Cheating did nothing to fix your marriage and if you wanted to end it you wouldn't be here now.

Cheating doesn't happen because of anything the betrayed spouse has done. You didn't cheat because of your husband, you cheated because you could. Your husband did not make you lie to him, hide a secret second life from him or sneak around to meet your lover. It wasn't your husband's fault that you fell in love with another man. You allowed another man to meet your emotional needs, maybe in part because your husband wasn't doing a good job of it at the time, but that does not make going to someone outside of the marriage to get them met the right thing to do.

So your cheating wasn't really in response to what your husband did or did not do but more likely due to the feelings created by your affair partner and your unwillingness to prevent those feelings from continuing. You did allow your feelings to develop to a point where you felt that they were overwhelming and then tried to find a reason to justify what you already realized was wrong.

And just so you realize that I am not just trying to beat you up, I'm the guy who is the one with the kid gloves. I have dealt with the demons of bitterness and my wife and I have a marriage today that is not just as good as it was when we married, it is in fact much better than it ever was...

And we've been married for almost 37 years.

So if you'd like to learn what to do to repair the damage to your marriage and the self inflicted wound to your self worth, read a few things; try reading a few threads that are active so that you get a feel for what an affair is like from the other side of the issue. Then put on your hard hat because your thinking will be tested and challenged, as well it should be.

Mark

"My H also thinks that I need to contact the OMW to let her know what happened. I am not the first person he has had an A with. However, I am a little afraid of retaliation from her because I was told that she has been in and out of a mental hospital."

How do you know this?

OM?

OM are known to tell lies about their BW's. Sell their OW a bill of goods to justify why they are going to cheat on their BW.

Hope you will send hubby to this site. We can really help him.

As for your question, you need to do whatever your husband needs you to do, including confessing to your affair partner's wife.

Nothing to add other than you have gotten spectacular advice already from some of the best on these boards. Listen to them. Twice.

Your H is right that the OMW, your other victim needs to know, but HE is the one who should notify her. You should not make that call because you might accidentally hook up with the OM. The OMW also won't appreciate hearing it from you since you did this to her.


Ways to rebuild trust would be to open up your life to him, ie: complete transparency in your life and accountability for all your time. End all opposite sex friendships and pledge to change the environment that led to your affair.

Have you answered all of your husbands questions truthfully and fully about the affair?

A good book that would benefit you both is Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.

Well, lessee, you posted at 6:31PM and four hours later, you got some of the best and real advice found anywhere.

And the silence is interesting.

Larry

#1 the reason I didn't reply back last night is that I limit the amount of time I am on the computer to keep myself transparent. My husband has access to everything. I don't work outside the home and he works from home so I am with him almost 24/7. I don't go anywhere by myself. I don't have male friends. I don't even contact former female friends. I have read countless books and spent tons of money on information. These things I have read do not deal with the confrontation issue. My H has owned up to the problems of the past but will not consider R until I fix this confrontation issue. There are more details that I am not at liberty to reveal to protect privacy. I have sought counseling as much as I am able but no one can tell me how to fix the confrontation issue. I have answered as many questions as I possibly can.

I have done everything I was asked to do except fix the confrontation issue and contact the OMW. I've redeemed as many things as I have been able to. I can't read his mind and he will not tell me what he needs most of the time. He will not visit any sites nor seek counseling. It is up to me. I have done everything I've found on every website and book. I just need to fix the confrontation issue. I don't need to be attacked nor drug through the mud. I have had enough of that already. I have offered to take a polygraph test but was told that they are not reliable. Hypnosis is not an option.

Yes, I have discovered that I am extremely gullible. I have a very high IQ but absolutely no common sense. I have read thousands of threads on countless websites and I try to know how the other side thinks. I also know that each situation is different and needs to be handled differently. What helps some doesn't help others. I just need ideas to fix the confrontation issue. I have called places for counseling and coaching but no one seems to be able to help me with this. Does anyone have ideas?

The devil is always in the details. I think what Pep has asked you is a key. Can you answer.

Larry

I know I am not special. I was thinking of it from my H point of view. That is what he says. I am respecting his privacy, not mine. I was deceived by the OM because of the situation I was in.

The confrontation was in the biblical sense and should have been taken care of back at the beginning. I thought a registered letter or email would suffice but it didn't. I just need to prove to my H that I am standing with him. Publicly humiliating the OM would be nice but would have repercussions that could affect my kids and I'm not willing to sacrifice them. I don't care about myself. If I don't get this fixed soon, my life is over anyway. The OM can rot in hell. I just need to fix my marriage. If it kills me, I want my H. I have repented and I ask for forgiveness every chance I get. I know I sinned and deserve what I get. I understand that. I don't need to be chastised anymore. I just need to fix my marriage. It doesn't matter what my H did to me, I just need to fix my part and prove to my H that I am standing with him. Please help. I'm desperate. My life is not worth living right now.

Why don't you send your BH here to figure out exactly what he wants and the best way to go about things moving forward because what he seems to be suggesting (the confrontation, not telling OMW) seems to be counterproductive. We can help him figure out the best way to move forward from this situation in a way that he is happy with.

You can help fix the confrontation issue, as you call it, by contacting the OMW and telling her about the horrible crime you have inflicted upon her. She deserves to know that she has been cruelly victimized by you and her WH. Whether or not he has been unfaithful to her before is not your problem.

I find it highly unlikely that she has been in and out of mental institutions. More likely that is something her WH has told you in order to convince you to enter into or continue an A with him.

Your kids definitely don't deserve this. But it's too late - you already had the A. All you can do now is own your sh*t and be a O&H and transparent as you can. And call the OMW - today. With your H there.

The confrontation is not for my benefit--it was requested by my H. For him that is the deal breaker. If I don't fix that issue, it's over.

How does your H want you to do that?

I am confused. Why can't your H call OMW with you there in the room and expose to OMW? Hopefully OM will be at home with OMW when the call is made so your H can talk to both of them. I am not sure what is so hard about this. It works REALLY REALLY well. It will scare OM away from you, get his W watching him, and give your H the "confrontation" he is asking for.