I'm new here...still reading and trying to understand what this is all about.

I am a stay at home mom (homeschooling too) to three kids who are 7, 6, and 21 months. I have been married almost 11 years and together with my husband almost 16years in all. Things have been wonderful-- lots of warmth and love and planning for the future. Then in November my dh met another woman and admitted to me that he was attracted to her. He asked me to have a threesome and I said no then he said he was just kidding anyway...Well, from that point he kept assuring me that he could be friends with her and not feel any more for her and kept telling me how much I meant to him and not to worry. My heart told me to forbid he have contact with her but I worried he would resent me acting like a mother and telling him what to do. So, I asked him to really watch himself and make sure he wasn't flirting or getting emotionally involved and asked him to disclose any and all contact that they had.
In mid January I finally broke down and for the first time in our relationship I looked at his cell phone records. I discovered that he was text messaging her 100 or more times a day and he tried to cover it up by giving her cell number an alias. In other words, on the cell bill it would say he called a number but it was the alias number and when I checked it out and found the real number it was hers. (so he lied and tried ot cover his lies)

So....I confronted him that night while he was out of town. He told me that he has a deep and strong connection to her. That he loves me but doesn't feel it. That he is confused because he was perfectly happy with our relationship until he met her. So there is nothing I've done wrong or could do differently. So I told him that he has to stop all contact if he wants to stay together and work on us. He came home and agreed to this-- but he didn't like it.

He spent the next 2 weeks sulking...then I thought things were getting better. But he broke no-contact and text messaged her again. I didn't notice on the cell bill so he got away with it and didn't tell me. Then two nights ago he texted her again...and I saw.

He just said it's so hard not to contact her and he loves her. However, he also said he wants to stay with me and wants to go to therapy and see if he can figure out why he feels this way for her.

So I'm here trying to meet his needs. I care for the family, cook meals, make love, etc. That's it? What am I missing?
So he has once again agreed to no-contact, we're starting marriage counseling.

Now I did contact the other woman-- who is also married with no kids. She apologized to me and said she is counseling with her husband and is moving away. (obviously I'm not sure is she is honest with me but that is what she said) She knew he was married.

He insists there was no physical contact and realizes this was an emotional affair (at first he denied that).

Thanks for listening and please just give me any type of feedback or direction.

Have you told the OW's husband about the affair?

oh, never mind! I see you condoned this affair.

Is this how I'm going to be treated here?

I didn't know it was that bad. I didn't know what to do. Thanks for making me feel like a piece of...forget it

Not every one here is that harsh, there is really good advice if you can ignore the unhelpful responses.

Any one who responds to you is just trying to help whether they do it by holding your hand or with a
You want feedback you have to be open to hearing what everyone has to say.

Sorry you find yourself here.
Have you read SAA or any of the basic concets here about the lies and deception to expect from a WH. The carrot and stick of Plan A ?

MB, if you can't see how your poor judgement contributed to this problem, there is not much we can do for you. People here are not inclined to mince words to make you feel better. The truth is that you contributed to this affair by endorsing the "friendship."

Hopefully, you can see your own hand in the current situation.


The only thing i can suggest is a) acceptance of that truth and b) get the book Surviving an Affair and c) put lokil on ignore, because she is an OW.

**edit**

moderators note: take this off this thread please

Mel is one of the best on here, and I agree she can be heavy handed. I have learned that when something feels especially hurtful it is almost always because it has the sting of unwelcome truth to it.

Mel was trying to point out that YES your gut feeling was on target, yet you kind of talked all around the issue. Talking around the issue never helps. It always hurts. For one thing, WH learns he can get away with his affair. For another thing, WH learns you will "nag" him and "fuss" so he learns to hide his affair even better.

Fighting an affair is NOT for the faint hearted. It is one of the hardest things you will do in your life. Recovery is even harder.

So, take a deep breath, re-read what you wrote, and try to see the sting of the truth that you had a lot of hope that the affair would not happen, yet you did very little to prevent it. I would have done the same in your shoes. You do not have MB training or tools (yet!). That can all change, but you have to be stronger than you ever thought you could be. Are you up to it? I mean, REALLY up to it?

If not, you can file for D or live with an adulterous husband.

If so, tighten your seat belt, put on your game face, and get ready.

1) Do NOT talk relationship talk with your WH right now. He is not receptive and you don't yet know how to approach all of this.

2) Read about ENs and LBs (links in my sig). Try and figure out what your WH's top 3 ENs are and meet them. Bust your tail meeting them. Pull out all the stops. Eliminate all LBs. ALL of them. They will undo all your good hard work in no time flat. A marriage does not have room for LBs in it. Ever.

3) Read about plan A.

4) EXPOSE his affair. This is counter-intuitive and most BS are afraid of making the WS angry. Mel will come along and post some links to what Harley says about exposure. In the meantime, here is a crash-course:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

MBJG,

Would you and your H be open to counseling/coaching with The Harley's?

They are wonderful and they helped save our marriage.

Hindsight is 20/20. I believed his lies that he was just saying she was an attractive person and he was not feeling more.
I come here hurting and asking for help. Not to be told, "nevermind..." as if I'm not even worth responding to because I didn't know what to do or how to respond when this situation started.
I never said I couldn't see how I contributed.

I'm not sure this is going to be a supportive place.

Thanks turtlehead..your post is really helpful.

I'm working on reading through everything.

Of course you did. Betrayed spouses always believe their WS. That's what we DO. We trust our spouses. So don't kick yourself for that.

You weren't told "nevermind". You were slapped upside the head and asked to look at your own contributions to the situation. Because what you *were* doing is not working. It has to change. And before you'll bother changing, you have to first see what you were doing and that it wasn't working. You weren't told nevermind. You were asked to take a hard look at yourself.

That's one thing you'll learn here at MB. Nobody can teach you how to make your H leave the OW. Nobody here can tell you how to make him come back, how to make him be faithful, or how to make him be honest. Because you cannot control another person.

What you CAN do is change yourself. And that starts with learning to look at yourself honestly.

This is true. However, in fairness, neither did you say you were even willing to consider that notion. You simply shut down. At least that's what happened as far as anyone reading the boards can tell. I think you didn't shut down, because you are still posting and obviously thinking things over.

It's not going to be a kiss your fanny place. It's going to be a tough place filled with growth and hard work, if you choose to stick around. You don't have to. It's your choice. MB is not the easiest path, not by a long shot. But it is the most rewarding and the most successful.

Ask your husband to write a letter to the OW telling her that he will not contact her again, EVER.

You must expose this affair to the OW's husband - because he needs to be working at his own end in order to prevent contact. This won't work if her husband has no idea, and she perpetuates this fantasy. Also, the secrecy factor works in the favor of the affair, of the fantasy, and AGAINST YOUR MARRIAGE.

CALL OW'S HUSBAND NOW. Do not warn your husband you are going to do this, and know this in advance: Your husband will be angry. Know also: your marriage can survive his anger - it cannot survive the OW's intrusion into your lives.

Your H's reaction to exposure will likely be anger with you for "hurting" the OW, making her life a mess, yadda-yadda. Your response should be: "I love you, and our family comes first. OW's family problems are not my concern - our marriage is. Our marriage can survive your anger, it cannot survive your desire for having her inside our marriage. I love you, and your affair cannot continue."

Stand strong.

SB

Hi MBJG,

Can I give you my thoughts on this forum?

There are a lot of people on here who give their time to help others. They have experience and words of wisdom that you would pay good money for. You may not like what you read but you know it will be the non-sugar coated truthful opinion of the poster.

I have found that MBer's compassion draws them to people with children because they want to know that the children are safe. They also like to see people being pro-active rather than re-active and see that you take on board what advice they give.

Please don't disregard a poster's comments because they come across as harsh. We all know the pain that you are going through. In order to win the war, however, I think that we need to keep our emotions in check because it is only then that we can think things through more clearly.

Good luck.
TM